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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

601 replies

hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:38

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 11/12/2021 09:31

Agree this is an interesting thread!

I do wonder, if you had a 3 day period, whether you would want sex with your husband more. Tbh it sounds like his attitude to sex is something you've always had to 'work on' and 'get past' and that sounds grim. I don't actually think he's wrong to think about sex when you're not thinking about it and to ask in tbh a fairly jokey and non-pressuring way, without invading your space. But given the sulking and your reaction, this is part of a huge ongoing story - as most LTR sex lives are. I'd agree that in fact couples counselling really might be worth a go for you.

Completely agree that having a boundary of no oral is fine. Not that it's what you have; it sounds like it's a very occasional ?treat? you do for him? What makes you decide to do that, if you hate it? The sulking? Or being turned on yourself? Or as a reward for something else? What would happen if you did actually say 'I'm never doing that again, don't ask'?

SueSaid · 11/12/2021 09:31

'Some husbands get married for sex and bjs on tap with a bit of housework thrown in thats why. Some of them still believe that is the meaning of marriage, and that is where the entitlement comes from.'

Well reading some of the threads on mn they certainly aren't getting 'sex on tap'.

I'll say it again, intimacy is an important part of a loving relationship. There is nothing grubby or seedy about it. If people don't fancy each other anymore of they have physical problems fine but if you're in a relationship it is not disgusting to want intimacy.

How that is communicated clearly varies but I don't get the outrage on this thread tbh. A 10 day period with no sexual contact every month?!

melissasummerfield · 11/12/2021 09:31

Christ, the cool wives club is out in force this morning!

Men do not need to be serviced, if your husband feels so strongly about his needs he can sort himself out!

Some of the replies on here are absolutely depressing and like going back in time to the 50’s.

It must be absolutely shit to have a 10 day period, without the added pressure of a sulky man baby pestering for a blow job.

I would love to know what these women who think this is okay do in this situation - do you give a blow job then get up and walk off and carry on with what you were doing? Absolutely bizarre!

PoleFairy · 11/12/2021 09:32

I think its okay to ask once and accept no as an answer. you say you dont like giving oral sex, do you never give it? I think that would be a problem if he likes it and you dont

Sprostongreen21 · 11/12/2021 09:32

Why do people actually feel sorry for him?? FFS she’s his wife not a sex robot. He has a hand if he is that desperate when it ops period. It’s not her purpose in life to do things sexually she doesn’t like. The sulking makes it all worse. He is probably very aware of her dislike but pushes it anyway and by the sounds of it he is hardly great in bed.

trickyex · 11/12/2021 09:33

He sounds selfish and sulky, not a great combo.
But 10 days every month is a long time....
I had problems with long, heavy periods and had an endometrial ablation, no periods after that.
There was a thread on her yesterday, have a look OP.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 09:33

How that is communicated clearly varies but I don't get the outrage on this thread tbh. A 10 day period with no sexual contact every month?!

Although it's fine that it's not what the OP wants but I can't get outraged as that wouldn't work for me.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 09:36

I would love to know what these women who think this is okay do in this situation - do you give a blow job then get up and walk off and carry on with what you were doing? Absolutely bizarre!

That's not what the OP says happens though

hygtt · 11/12/2021 09:37

Completely agree that having a boundary of no oral is fine. Not that it's what you have; it sounds like it's a very occasional ?treat? you do for him? What makes you decide to do that, if you hate it? The sulking? Or being turned on yourself? Or as a reward for something else? What would happen if you did actually say 'I'm never doing that again, don't ask'?

Yes has the OP said this?

User135644 · 11/12/2021 09:37

@smileyotter

There’s nothing wrong with him asking but he shouldn’t be pestering you. I’d also find that really unattractive, especially as he knows you’re not keen. I don’t think anyone should do anything sexual that they don’t want to do… would he even enjoy it knowing you had to be persuaded and didn’t really want to? Just saying no once should be enough and he needs to get over it instead of sulking.
Sex/sexual acts are pointless to me if the desire isn't there on both sides.
MrsLarry · 11/12/2021 09:38

Believe it or not, some women actually enjoy sex (including oral). They do it because they they want to, not because their husband pressurises them, or they feel obliged to do it. They don't use it as a "reward" or a "treat"......they actually like the intimacy with their partner and they get a lot of enjoyment from it.

You wouldn't think so from reading mumsnet though. Jeez!

hygtt · 11/12/2021 09:40

@MrsLarry & nothing to do with being a cool wife.

BlondeDogLady · 11/12/2021 09:40

ComtesseDeSpair Sat 11-Dec-21 08:19:24

I think the likelihood of your marriage surviving long term, for all kinds of reasons evident from your posts, is pretty close to zero tbh

My thoughts exactly. This is how I would have felt about my first husband once the spark was gone. With my now DH, well, it's a completely different story.

MasterBeth · 11/12/2021 09:41

I would get mad if my partner said “can I get a blow job?”

It’s “can I have a blow job?”

BlondeDogLady · 11/12/2021 09:42

MrsLarry Sat 11-Dec-21 09:38:35
Believe it or not, some women actually enjoy sex (including oral). They do it because they they want to, not because their husband pressurises them, or they feel obliged to do it. They don't use it as a "reward" or a "treat"......they actually like the intimacy with their partner and they get a lot of enjoyment from it

I agree with this. I think a lot of people are staying in relationships where the spark has gone.

FrancescaContini · 11/12/2021 09:43

Yuck.

Also yuck for the use of “get” in this context - bloody rude.

Just10moreminutesplease · 11/12/2021 09:48

Some of the attitudes on here are shocking. No sexual act should be one sided like this (unless that’s your kink, or you really like doing for no gratification of your own).

In my house blow jobs happen when we’re are both in the mood. And it is an absolute given that I’ll be having an orgasm too.

I can’t think of anything less attractive than a man who expects to be ‘serviced’ if his partner isn’t in the mood Envy.

Outlyingtrout · 11/12/2021 09:49

What a wild leap to make – yes, I hate women and think the medical profession should fob them off. hmm Orrrrrrrr I thought the focus of the thread should be OP’s sexually childish husband instead of a derailment. She’s consulting MN, not the medical profession, and asking about the BJ issue, not her periods – Mumsnet responses focussing on the BJs is about as far from “the medical profession fobbing women off” as her husband is from getting one.

Nice try @hotmeatymilk but that was not the gist of your comment at all. You accused the women who picked up on OP’s potential medical issue of trying to make her sexually available to her husband Hmm Nothing at all to do with “derailing the thread”. And whilst you may prefer to ignore details in the thread that indicate OP may have a medical issue, one that she says she has already been brushed off by professionals about, some of us know what it’s like to live with and are motivated to help another woman get help as well. You actively tried to silence women on the thread who were offering this help with your offensive accusations, which is what led me to the belief that you also are disinterested in women having equal access to healthcare. It's no wild leap. OP has actually said she’s thankful for this information and intends to try again with the GP.

JustLikeSugar · 11/12/2021 09:50

I hope the OP can get good support on the medical side. It must have a big impact on her whole life, beyond anything to do with DH.

The sulking approach is awful. Asking for something is fine, getting a NO is a clear answer, with supporting details of exactly why, that should be the end of story!

I assume a lot of people will think this is awful, but in my happy marriage there are elements of a transactional nature. In the broader sense I do things for DH that would not be on my list of priorities, in return I know he'll do certain things for me. It's not a formal list, rather something that evolved as part of the relationship.

With respect to sex, a lot of the norms and expectations are set during the early stage of a relationship. Finding out what you both like, dislike, etc. I assume that OP told her DH she does not want/like giving oral, it's crazy that her DH is now asking for something that was never on the menu.

RainbowDrops91 · 11/12/2021 09:50

Me and my partner discussed this stuff and agreed we'd rather ask each other for things rather than sneaking off to watch porn when he thinks you can't hear (unless you're happy for him to freely watch it) or feeling unsatisfied. Though I agree, he shouldn't have asked whilst your child's around. Everyone's different but I see no problem in him asking, it's healthy to be more open rather than stay quiet and never ask at all.

Ragruggers · 11/12/2021 09:50

Are you actually happy in this relationship?Maybe ask yourself this.How wouldhe cope if you were very ill and unable to have sex for months would he be kind and loving or sulk.It sounds it is all about him.Take care.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 11/12/2021 09:51

If he can’t manage to live without blowjobs he’s free to walk out the door and find a woman who loves giving them. If he doesn’t want to do that he needs to shut up about it and stop harassing you for something he knows you don’t like to do.

hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 09:53

@Outlyingtrout Not remotely trying to “silence women”, but I do accept that OP found it helpful – good. Really all the outcome I need from a thread tbh.

Uninterested · 11/12/2021 09:55

OP, I'd be really pissed off at your husband too. I've been with my husband for years and years and we can be quite transactional with booking in sex but it makes us laugh and it works well for us. Obviously we do spontaneous sex too.
I think it's unpleasant that he even asked you as he knows that you don't like BJs - that's not ok. The fact he bugged you again d then sulked is massively not ok.
I would write him a message and spell out what he did and why it is not ok.

Otherwise he will keep behaving like this
He needs to be firmly told that he can't ask and he can't sulk about it.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 09:55

I agree with this. I think a lot of people are staying in relationships where the spark has gone.

Yes, it's quite sad really. I'm still incredibly attracted to my DH

In my house blow jobs happen when we’re are both in the mood. And it is an absolute given that I’ll be having an orgasm too.

Both in the mood before all the time? I've often not thought I was remotely in the mood but a partner has kissed me or done something attractive & Im then in the mood. Or kids have interrupted the mood!

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