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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH got drunk and smashed things

399 replies

VioletG · 09/12/2021 08:06

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home.
This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late.

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.
There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I.

Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now?
I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person.
Please help, I can't think straight.

OP posts:
PurpleNebula84 · 09/12/2021 09:23

@Lockheart

I have no idea why posters think the police would arrest someone and remove them from their home for smashing up their own possessions. OP has been clear the anger and violence was not directed at her.

His reaction to the aftermath will tell you a lot OP. In the meantime I would really consider going to stay with your mum to get some space from him whilst you figure it out. I know you've said she's an hour away but would it really be completely impractical?

By smashing up the items there is a breach of the peace as a minimum for which he can be arrested for causing or in order to prevent a further breach of the peace occurring. If the items are joint property, then it is criminal damage on the half that isn't his. Even though it wasn't directed at her, she was scared, she said the glass nearly hit her - you can assault someone by being reckless as well.
VirusgonnaVirus · 09/12/2021 09:23

I don't agree with LTB/he is an abuser it will escalate .

It's very odd that he woke up so angry, you hadn't upset him (so no need to modify your behaviour in futureand the anger wasn't directed at you. You need to talk,and he needs to agree not to drink again around you, he can't ever come home after a night out, he needs to realise how terrifying the situation was.
His behaviour now matters more than anything, if he genuinely is remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes and doesn't gaslight you then I think , if you want to, you should work with him.

silverbubbles · 09/12/2021 09:24

I think you need to see how he responds when you see him later in the day. Could his drink have been spiked?

If he brushes it all off and minimises what he has done then you have a problem on your hands.

Sounds like he needs to give up alcohol as a starter,

3scape · 09/12/2021 09:25

Pack a bag now. Get yourself somewhere safe. His reaction will probably follow the classic abuser (minimise his action by blaming other things, expect sympathy from you, cajole and sweet talk you home). You need to detatch so you can properly consider what he says and does objectively. Discuss with people in RL (I know you feel you need to be loyal to him, but you don't). If he claims to need help does he seek it? If he wants to 'tru again' what is his plan to change his behaviours?

He's the problem, the risk to you and your child. You can of course support him if you genuinely feel it's some sort of breakdown over other factors BUT your safety needs to be the priority.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 09/12/2021 09:25

@VioletG

He's not awake yet. We've been together for a very long time. He's never done this before.

I feel like I can't just leave over this. I'm newly pregnant too. I'm so confused and hurt. And angry.

Seconding every poster who says pregnancy is a well known trigger for a new onset of violence: it doesn't disappear.
DappyApple · 09/12/2021 09:30

I’m going to go against the grain here and say not to immediately make any rash decisions.
My initial thought was drugs or having his drink spiked. If this is the first time it’s happened then I’d be inclined to think something else is going on. Especially as he’d been asleep (or passed out) then woke back up confused.
Go about your business today op. And speak to him later when he’s sobered up.
Yes Dv can and does start in pregnancy but this may not actually be the case and the aggression wasn’t aimed at you.

You can gage his reaction when you talk to him and go from there.

NewlyGranny · 09/12/2021 09:30

This reply has been deleted

This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

bubblebath62636 · 09/12/2021 09:31

I'm so sorry OP.

First of all, seven years isn't a very long time, get yourself out.

Secondly, get yourself support. Where will you live? Are you continuing the pregnancy?

But please don't stay with this arsehole. He knows your pregnant and vulnerable, he either gets off on scaring you or doesn't care.

LouiseLaChain · 09/12/2021 09:33

If he has never done anything like this before, and getting that drunk is out of character, I would worry about spiking or similar. A friend was spiked, and it caused very similar behaviour - all over the place, passed out for a short time, and woke up really violent.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/12/2021 09:33

Whatever you do, you must absolutely be open and honest about it. Tell your mum, tell your midwife. The way abuse starts and escalates is bringing you in on a “secret” that you can’t share.

Remember that te reaction of others is the “true” reaction with the correct context applied - the one in the relationship has the skewed perspective of love and wanting things to work out, not the outsiders “taking it out of context”.

I would also go to your mums and put some space between you both.

VirusgonnaVirus · 09/12/2021 09:34

NewlyGranny I've reported your post. It is not at all comparable and distasteful to imply it is.

theremustonlybeone · 09/12/2021 09:34

I would have called the police last night, get out of the house, go and see your mum. You need to stop trying to understand why he did it, 'HE DID IT', he was violent and smashed things. He needs to understand why 'he' did it. You should be in a home where he feel safe and secure not terrified. You have a baby coming and what you do now will dictate your future. If you spend your time hand ringing and looking for excuses it will just escalate. You need to ask him to leave, he needs to understand this is totally unacceptable and if you want to continue in this relationship he needs to show he is willing to seek help before allowing him back

ArabellaScott · 09/12/2021 09:35

I'm so sorry, OP. That's a really terrifying thing to happen. I recognise that kind of story, too. My ex would sometimes pass out drunk and then wake up in a weird kind of altered state.

He also would destroy things.

Yes, inevitably, he was abusive and eventually violent.

As others have pointed out, abuse is about power. Abusive men are often triggered by their partner's pregnancy - because they feel that they are unable to control the situation.

I want to reassure you that whatever you choose to do, there is support available.

Women's Aid are always there and a great source of advice, support and info.

Your midwives will be very aware of this type of situation - sadly it's not uncommon. You may find they are a good source of support, too.

And Mumsnet can be great for a sounding board and support.

Take care, OP.

Flowers
Happy1982ish · 09/12/2021 09:36

In 7 years he has never ever ever done anything even remotely like this before?

GoodnightGrandma · 09/12/2021 09:36

You need to leave now, it will get worse.
Report it to the police, you may need it in the future.

AngelonTopoftheTree · 09/12/2021 09:37

Turn your phone off for a while, or at least don't answer his calls or texts. Have your coffee, go to your appointment, and take some time out. When you get home later then assess the situation, is he genuinely horrified by his behaviour? Will he give up drinking? If this is a first offence, and you know your DH best, consider giving him the benefit of the doubt. But don't be afraid to kick him out!

BaconMassive · 09/12/2021 09:38

Could have been sleepwalking / sleep drunkenness?

Have a read: www.healthline.com/health/sleep/sleep-drunkenness

I would find it hard to take drastic action over something that could have just been beyond their control. Apart from the drinking bit obviously but if it's never happened before then they would just be expecting to go to sleep and not wake up and be in a state of confusion.

newnamefor2021 · 09/12/2021 09:38

He may not have physically hurt you but that emotional abuse. Secondly, he very realistically could have hurt (or worse) you and you might not be here debating your options.

You say if he did this with the baby here you would leave but you are carrying the baby and he could have hurt you both.

Get out. Speak to your midwife later. Don't make excuses for him.

EerieSilence · 09/12/2021 09:38

Please move with your Mum, at least for now and think about your future.
Things could get much worse, if this is the first sign. A newborn baby can mean lots of stress and changes in lifestyle of people, is he going to cope well or with violence?

Cbtb · 09/12/2021 09:41

Sending very many hugs. Please do tell your midwife and your mum.

If you weren’t pregnant and my friend in real life I would say it depends on how he is when he wakes up. I do believe that people can be very different when drunk/on drugs, but that doesn't let them off the hook and knowing that they then need to take responsibility to never get that intoxicated again. If he is full of remorse and never gets that drunk again I would consider a second chance. But just one. Next time means it’s not a one off and you need to leave.

But you are pregnant and as pps have said that makes it more likely this isn’t a one off, pregnancy often is the trigger for DV. In your case I think I would be packing a bag and moving to my mums for a bit. Maybe if he realises it’s his fault and he’s dangerous , shows he can stay sober, replaces the damaged from his money and never ever shows a hint of this again I would consider letting him back in my life but I would be very cautious- had he shoved you or hit you you could have lost baby. Baby has to come first now. I would also say that a decent man who had had an out of character aggressive incident around his pregnant partner when drunk would wake up, realise he had nearly harmed his baby and partner and be offering to move out until he had sorted him self out and swearing off drink for if not ever until the kid is much much older - their graduation maybe!.

Cryalot2 · 09/12/2021 09:41

So sorry op . You must have been terrified and in shock.

To say being v drunk or he couldn't remember are no excuses. He could so easily have harmed you and your baby.

I agree with the others. You and your baby are not safe with him. Tell your midwife and your mum. The poor dog as well.

You must be brave and put your lovely baby and yourself first, and that means staying safe away from him.

I know 7 years is a long time but when he behaved the way he did he had no regard for you, your baby or relationship.

Violence never goes away, once started it gets worse. He will possibly say it was not his fault or even blame you.

Take your dog and get help and as far away from him as possible.

Good wishes, stay strong Flowers

QueeniesCroft · 09/12/2021 09:41

@VioletG

I'm going to go out for coffee and leave him to it. I have a midwife appointment at half 12 too.

Thank you for your help. If I had a friend in the same situation, I know I'd tell her to leave. It's just hard applying that to yourself. Especially when it's a one off.

But pp is right, if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

Tell your midwife. Sadly, she will have experience in this and be able to help you.
Hadalifeonce · 09/12/2021 09:41

I think you need to find out what he was drinking and if he took something else.
If my ex drank scotch, not even to great excess, he would get very very angry. If it was gin, he got very friendly and emotional. I would stop him drinking scotch!

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 09/12/2021 09:42

I'd 100% be leaving and letting him wake up by himself.

Defo need to get to the bottom of why he behaved like this as its not acceptable and not when you are pregnant.

I wouldn't leave him over it necessarily but I'd make it clear its a one - two beer agreement from now on if he can't be trusted to drink more than that.

ArabellaScott · 09/12/2021 09:42

archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati00banc_0/page/n7/mode/2up

Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?' - you can 'borrow' free from that site.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/support/domestic-abuse-in-pregnancy/

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