DH got drunk and smashed things

[VioletG]

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home.
This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late.

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.
There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I.

Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now?
I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person.
Please help, I can't think straight.

You need to make sure he gets professional help op. Him saying he "wont do this or that anymore" shouldnt and cant be enough for you. Anyone can go back on it or not keep a promise. There is no way he can restrain from alcohol completely his whole life. He cant garuantee his word.

But he can show change through actions. Please get him to speak to someone about his drinking or anger. Dont bring a baby into this unpredictable situation. Because there will be a next time otherwise op. And next time you'll be on here saying he was throwing stuff around your child. And next time it will be ten times worse and harder for you to leave

Trust me

@ArabellaScott and @HailAdrian I agree wholeheartedly with you both.

@DerbyshireMama

Reading through these comments it's very apparent who has been through similar.

The posters blaming it on spiking or sleepwalking or a one-off are the lucky ones.

I have been through similar. That doesn't mean I can say with complete authority that someone else's experience would be the same as mine was. One of my DD's friends (a boy) had his drink spiked. He was also very drunk. His behaviour on that one occasion - and only that one occasion was different (I don't want to say what he did in case his mum is on MN, but the final thing was trying to smash the front door down to get outside). His parents were absolutely terrified - he was 20 or so and not a child who could be physically restrained. They eventually called an ambulance, and it turned out that his drink had indeed been spiked. He had no idea who did it or why. He was with his friends, who are all decent people. It was presumably just a random shitty person who thought it would be funny.

I still think the best advice is for the OP to talk to the people who support her in real life, and work out what to do from there.

I hope you haven't cleaned up his mess? He needs to be confronted by it. If he's not utterly ashamed and regretful, you have some thinking to do x

okay people, yes, sloppy language here, but I think the point is clear--selfish men are even more likely to murder women when they are pregnant, which is a time when one might have reason to think that they would be especially protective toward them. It is frightening how vulnerable women can be to the men with whom they share their most intimate relationships.

@HoardingSamphireSaurus @Queenie6655@newnamefor2021

My point was 1 specific alcohol made her total out of character. It does happen to some people as other posters have said .

Maybe the case or may not here , just my experience and point of view. When OP is gather opinions and asking advice to try and make sense of what happened

@QueeniesCroft
I thank you for your eloquent constructive reply

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

My dad used to do this if he'd had a lot to drink. Ot aimed at us, just smashing things.

I'm now in my 30s and have severe anxiety, burst into tears if someone shouts or is aggressive towards me, even at work. I've never had a real relationship as I can't handle even minor arguments. They terrify me.

If you stay with this man, you will destroy your baby, emotionally.

If you stay with him you are actively participating in abusing your child.

My mum left when I was 6. It was too late for me, I was already scarred for life and I will never forgive her for staying so long. You're pregnant. You're a mother now. Put your child first.

Sorry but this is messed up. Calling OP an abuser? Also, what happens if she 'leaves NOW' and baby's dad wants unsupervised access and maybe eventually shared residence?

Some of you are deluded if you think leaving an abusive partner means a child is no longer at risk, btw.

@VioletG

He says he had no idea why the TV was broken until I told him what happened. He did seem genuinely shocked and remorseful. But still, I think need some time to myself, so I have asked him to leave for a few days and he's agreed. He's also said he'll never drink again.

“I’ll never do it again” is often a hollow promise which can apply to anything from taking drugs to gambling to smashing the house up to hitting you, so you need to be absolutely crystal clear on this. There CANNOT be a repeat. There CANNOT be a lucky escape where he drinks but fortunately doesn’t smash the house up. It must a cast-iron agreement between you: he will never drink alcohol again and put you at a risk of a repeat. If he does, then he values a drinking session more than your relationship so you need to be clear in your head that you will kick him out. He also needs to be clear about this.

He’s about to be a father. His behaviour needs to be responsible and not terrifying and violent.

@Lizzy1980

I'm sorry OP but this will happen again. These are never isolated incidents. Please leave, you have a responsibility to your unborn child........and please take your poor dog. Don't underestimate just how traumatizing incidents like this are to dogs. You have a responsibility to him too. I really hope you're ok. What a horrible shock you've had

I agree they often start when you are pregnant.

This is not isolated neither does it sound like a spiked drink

Photograph the glass etc

Next time op he will kill you, your child or the dog - don’t take that chance

Next time op he will kill you, your child or the dog - don’t take that chance

Don't be ridiculous. That's pure fear mongering and your being actively cruel in frightening OP on that way. You have nothing to go on with that accusation, and OP had already said that he was not aggressive to her.

It was a terrifying situation for her, but there is absolutely no excuse for you to further scare her.

Here you go. 😃

So I was right. It doesn’t “typically” start in pregnancy. It “can” start in pregnancy and does in around 30% of cases. That’s an entirely different situation. And I point out again, in DV cases, most reports say there are red flags and warning signs beforehand. And there is also likely a timeline correlation which can’t be ignored.

If you stay with this man, you will destroy your baby, emotionally.

Or, if you leave this man, despite there being no previous red flags for abuse in 7 years, on the basis of one really out of character episode, you are also damaging your child’s relationship with their father for absolutely no good reason.

When did people stop being able to see and understand the whole picture in a situation?

OP is doing the right thing in taking time and being careful, but can we stop with the knee jerk, over the top LTB stuff. It is unnecessary and unhelpful where people haven’t considered the whole situation.

There is no way he can restrain from alcohol completely his whole life.

I haven’t had a drink in nearly 15 years. It is entirely possible to decide to stop drinking.

@BoredZelda thats great for you.

But that usually isnt the case if you have a legitmate drinking problem. He clearly didnt have any self control over his intake. He needs help. Im sure you dont turn into a violent person that nearly harms their vunerable partner. There isnt exactly the same risk factor here so it doesnt make it comparable. Op has alot on the line including the saftey of a baby, so her partner taking precautionary measures isnt a bad idea and the least he can do

[quote Tiredancranky]@BoredZelda thats great for you.

But that usually isnt the case if you have a legitmate drinking problem. He clearly didnt have any self control over his intake. He needs help. Im sure you dont turn into a violent person that nearly harms their vunerable partner. There isnt exactly the same risk factor here so it doesnt make it comparable. Op has alot on the line including the saftey of a baby, so her partner taking precautionary measures isnt a bad idea and the least he can do[/quote]
Did you read a different OP or have you just decided to make up your own story for fun?

But that usually isnt the case if you have a legitmate drinking problem.

Nothing to suggest he does.

He clearly didnt have any self control over his intake.

He won’t be the only person who had a night out where the wheels came off. Surely most people have been there at some point.

He needs help. Im sure you dont turn into a violent person that nearly harms their vunerable partner.

Which isn’t what happened. As I said earlier, a similar thing happened once to my husband about 18 months in to our relationship. 22 years together and nothing remotely similar has happened since.

Speaking as a drunk, I think some people might be quite surprised what they would do in a black out. Thankfully most people don't have to find out because they either don't drink enough to black out in the first place or they fall asleep before that can happen. In blackout the part of your brain that usually keeps your decisions more or less aligned with your moral values is pretty much scrambled. That's why getting totally shit-canned can cause you to do things that are the complete opposite of what you normally would. You can also sleepwalk like a motherfucker when you're that pissed. I think it sounds more like him was paraletic and having some mad dream.

I'm not excusing it btw but I don't necessarily think this incident suggests he will turn abusive while sober. However it is his responsibility to choose what happens next. If he won't commit to not drinking id be out of there. You can't be expected to live knowing that could happen again if one drink turns into twelve, even if it's once in a blue moon. You'll be a wreck every time he goes out!

I’ve also shared that I once did something similar. There wasn't even any alcohol involved in mine, just some kind of sleep disturbance.
It had never happened before and has never happened since.

It’ll be the whisky.

Whisky fucks you up. I know a few people who steer clear of it for that reason.

i know someone like this who is aggressive after beer.

Fine on wine.

Not beer.

I doubt the OP will come back to the thread now after some of these comments. Whilst it's possible this is the start of an abusive relationship, it's also possible this was an awful one off incident fuelled by mixing drinks and a blackout. As others have posted, including myself earlier, certain drinks can have a negative affect and some people have had similar situations, never to be repeated again. The important thing now is whether the OP can be certain this was an isolated incident - impossible I suppose to know but the OP will know her DH more than any of us. What is also important is that the DH actively makes steps for this to never happen again if the OP decides to stay and only she knows that. I'm certainly not minimising what he did, it was truly awful and I honestly don't know how I would react in the same situation. It does however, on the surface and snap shot of her posts, seem to be extremely out of character. Only she can decide whether she's willing to risk it never happening again or walk away now.

So far the op has been told to leave or kick him out, that it “will” happen again, that this “is” the start of domestic abuse/violence. She’s been asked if she will now keep the baby, she’s been asked where will she live. She’s been told to stop all contact with him and not let him attend any scans or midwife appointments.
Her Dh has been called a Thug, a liar (as some are refusing to believe he could have genuinely blacked out!) he’s been accused of having a drink problem.

Some of you are not willing to accept an alternative situation.
Those who have come on with suggestions of drink spiking, blackouts and sleepwalking are trying to help the op see that it’s not automatically DA. They are also not trying to minimise what has happened and of course it “could” be the start of something. We don’t know either way, but jumping to conclusions doesn’t help anyone, Right now!

The op knows her Dh, she has stated this is completely and utterly out of character for him. She is newly pregnant and also confused.

She needs to work with her Dh to figure out if there’s a way forward for both of them.
She needs support right now, she doesn’t need knee jerk reactions, being told that there’s no way back and that she’ll have no choice but to go it alone from now.

I also agree I don’t think the op will be back.

Next time op he will kill you, your child or the dog - don’t take that chance

Fuck me I missed this little gem!
Now he’s a potential murderer, I’ve heard it all now!

@DappyApple

So far the op has been told to leave or kick him out, that it “will” happen again, that this “is” the start of domestic abuse/violence. She’s been asked if she will now keep the baby, she’s been asked where will she live. She’s been told to stop all contact with him and not let him attend any scans or midwife appointments. Her Dh has been called a Thug, a liar (as some are refusing to believe he could have genuinely blacked out!) he’s been accused of having a drink problem.

Some of you are not willing to accept an alternative situation.
Those who have come on with suggestions of drink spiking, blackouts and sleepwalking are trying to help the op see that it’s not automatically DA. They are also not trying to minimise what has happened and of course it “could” be the start of something. We don’t know either way, but jumping to conclusions doesn’t help anyone, Right now!

The op knows her Dh, she has stated this is completely and utterly out of character for him. She is newly pregnant and also confused.

She needs to work with her Dh to figure out if there’s a way forward for both of them.
She needs support right now, she doesn’t need knee jerk reactions, being told that there’s no way back and that she’ll have no choice but to go it alone from now.

I also agree I don’t think the op will be back.

This is spot on Many many projections going on, and posters jumping to conclusions or making up narratives.