DH got drunk and smashed things

[VioletG]

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home.
This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late.

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.
There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I.

Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now?
I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person.
Please help, I can't think straight.

@DappyApple

So far the op has been told to leave or kick him out, that it “will” happen again, that this “is” the start of domestic abuse/violence. She’s been asked if she will now keep the baby, she’s been asked where will she live. She’s been told to stop all contact with him and not let him attend any scans or midwife appointments. Her Dh has been called a Thug, a liar (as some are refusing to believe he could have genuinely blacked out!) he’s been accused of having a drink problem.

Some of you are not willing to accept an alternative situation.
Those who have come on with suggestions of drink spiking, blackouts and sleepwalking are trying to help the op see that it’s not automatically DA. They are also not trying to minimise what has happened and of course it “could” be the start of something. We don’t know either way, but jumping to conclusions doesn’t help anyone, Right now!

The op knows her Dh, she has stated this is completely and utterly out of character for him. She is newly pregnant and also confused.

She needs to work with her Dh to figure out if there’s a way forward for both of them.
She needs support right now, she doesn’t need knee jerk reactions, being told that there’s no way back and that she’ll have no choice but to go it alone from now.

I also agree I don’t think the op will be back.

I agree. I'm genuinely surprised that so many posters haven't seen how some drink can make some people aggressive but not abusers in the making.

You get happy drunks, sad drunks, mean drunks, aggressive drunks. I've known and witnessed many people in the last category, men and women. For some of them it was any booze at all, for most it was a particular type. The vast majority sorted themselves out after one or two incidents with the help of their friends and cut that alcohol (or sometimes all alcohol) out of their lives. And they did not go on to become abusers, as far as I know!

@gannett if I were being a bit cynical I could think they accept that women could react to drink and/or spiking but men must be abusers…

@DappyApple

So far the op has been told to leave or kick him out, that it “will” happen again, that this “is” the start of domestic abuse/violence. She’s been asked if she will now keep the baby, she’s been asked where will she live. She’s been told to stop all contact with him and not let him attend any scans or midwife appointments. Her Dh has been called a Thug, a liar (as some are refusing to believe he could have genuinely blacked out!) he’s been accused of having a drink problem.

Some of you are not willing to accept an alternative situation.
Those who have come on with suggestions of drink spiking, blackouts and sleepwalking are trying to help the op see that it’s not automatically DA. They are also not trying to minimise what has happened and of course it “could” be the start of something. We don’t know either way, but jumping to conclusions doesn’t help anyone, Right now!

The op knows her Dh, she has stated this is completely and utterly out of character for him. She is newly pregnant and also confused.

She needs to work with her Dh to figure out if there’s a way forward for both of them.
She needs support right now, she doesn’t need knee jerk reactions, being told that there’s no way back and that she’ll have no choice but to go it alone from now.

I also agree I don’t think the op will be back.

Couldn't agree more. This is one of the reasons mumsnet infuriates me. Clearly a bunch of strangers who read one post know her DH way more than she does. He WILL do this, he IS this. Blah blah.

This happened to my dh once. We had been at a friends house at a party , we left and he was aggressive, anxious and out of sorts. He was very cocky and loud very unlike the man he normally is, yeah it frightened me a bit (he wasn’t violent) however we have an inclining that his drink was spiked.

He has never acted like that again .

All this leave him , men turn violent and controlling when their partners become pregnant is all OTT. OP you know your dh better than anyone here, trust your gut and make your own decisions.

@rwalker

Wife went on a full on agressive rampage after gin and punched me

🤣🤣😆😆

@Lizzy1980

I'm sorry OP but this will happen again. These are never isolated incidents. Please leave, you have a responsibility to your unborn child........and please take your poor dog. Don't underestimate just how traumatizing incidents like this are to dogs. You have a responsibility to him too. I really hope you're ok. What a horrible shock you've had

Oh shush

Gosh I think there's two extremes here actually. The one extreme is "leave him, he's going to murder you" and the other is, "don't listen to pp, he was just drunk."

No one of us knows exactly what's gone on here, but it's quite clear that this was very frightening and traumatic and OP is right to be concerned about what happens next. She's asked him to give her some space while she considers her next move.

The vast majority of posters have supported that and said, please talk to someone in real life about this.

The people trying to turn this into a battle about how some posters are too ready to call abuse - you are really not helping, either. OP is the one who has to work this out, and telling her that it's all fine because some posters on here are wrong in your opinion doesn't help her to do that. You're just using her situation as a way of trying to have a go at posters you don't agree with.

Can we all accept that we don't know what's beneath this, but we want OP and her baby to be safe. She's doing the right thing by taking some space, and she should talk to trusted friends and family about the situation. And OP, if you would find it useful to talk more on MN, can I suggest posting on relationships, as you will tend to get more thoughtful comments there.

I've not read the whole thread but wanted to say that until I fell pregnant I'd never experienced any violence from my ex, nor had he given me any reason to suspect he was capable of such behaviour.

It started with him smashing his fist through doors. He smashed things in our home. I dismissed it as stress, then made other excuses. I arranged for the damage to be fixed... By the time I was 4 months pregnant he had turned on me. He also harmed our family pet. While I can't know if his repeated assaults caused this, our child was born premature and very unwell. We separated when our child was 2 after he almost killed me through strangulation. I still struggle to reconcile the man I married with the monster he turned into.

I bitterly regret not leaving the first very time he exhibited violent behavior. While it felt out of character at the time, it was a warning I ignored and I will never forgive myself for what I put our child through as a result. She and I have lived with consequences ever since, which include the fact I will be in pain for the rest of my life from the injuries he inflicted on me. I've watched our daughter struggle for well over a decade and have had to face the reality that abuse impacts unborn babies and those to young to remember. Social services told me this when I left, and I desperately wanted to believe they were wrong. Our child continues to require counselling for all the issues she has had - all of which linked to her extremely traumatic early years. I will be ashamed for the rest of my days.

Pregnancy is a common trigger. I can assure you it does not improve and your child is at risk now as are you. Please do not make the same mistake I did.

People love to dole out a LTB bit this sounds very odd and more like he was having a waking nightmare. Trying to get out of the house, angry at something etc,

The people trying to turn this into a battle about how some posters are too ready to call abuse - you are really not helping, either. OP is the one who has to work this out, and telling her that it's all fine because some posters on here are wrong in your opinion doesn't help her to do that. You're just using her situation as a way of trying to have a go at posters you don't agree with

Not sure if this was directed at me or not, so I’ll apologise in advance if not!
I really didn’t say that it was all fine. I just wanted to point out that we don’t know either way what this situation is, none of us can truly know this.

I’m certainly not using ops situation to have a go at posters I don’t agree with. What I have issue with is the ones who are projecting and won’t even consider any other possibility or alternative situation than domestic abuse/violence.

Everyone needs to keep an open mind and see the picture as a whole. There’s a lot of scaremongering going on here and I really don’t think it’s necessary. Yes point out possible scenarios but don’t throw it at the op as gospel. She’s confused enough as it is.

But I totally agree with everything else you’ve said.

@Pinkyxx
How long has you been with him before becoming pregnant?

@BoredZelda

If you stay with this man, you will destroy your baby, emotionally.

Or, if you leave this man, despite there being no previous red flags for abuse in 7 years, on the basis of one really out of character episode, you are also damaging your child’s relationship with their father for absolutely no good reason.

When did people stop being able to see and understand the whole picture in a situation?

OP is doing the right thing in taking time and being careful, but can we stop with the knee jerk, over the top LTB stuff. It is unnecessary and unhelpful where people haven’t considered the whole situation.

I agree

rwalker
Wife went on a full on agressive rampage after gin and punched me
🤣🤣😆😆

Laugh all you like but it literally happened to me. Just the once

@Pinkyxx I hope you and your DD are managing to find most times happy ones now!

It's stories like yours that inform all safeguarding regulations. Not iwll all pople but will some, one even, behave like this in this situation and what can we do to ameleriorate it, prevent it ad best support the victims.

So yes. OP will be ebing told that thid is the start and she needs to protect herself and her unborn child. If she does that and her OH is sincere, this is a one off, an accident of drink and he takes all teps to prevent it form happening, supports OP in her decisions to put space between them because he has been violent, he was destructive and she had every right to be scared, she can decide what to do based on that.

Also if he blames her, denys it all, acts as though she is the one with a problem she can make her best decision.

What he did happened. Why it happened is down to him.

OP isn't obliged to accept it, forgive it or stay with it. She is entirely entitled to remove herself and unborn child whilst she thinks about it.

Trying to convince her otherwise, to explain away his actions, are not in her best interest.

I don't know anything more than what op said. I'm not denying that this could be a start ofa cycle of intense physical abuse.

However, when reading this for me what jumped out was that he was asleep and woke up aggressive trying to get out. I once stayed over at a friends house and in the middle of the night I notice she had taken all her clothes off and was trying to open the door to the balcony. She looked wide awake and I forced her back to bed while she was swearing at me. She had no recollection in the morning about this.

Before divorce layers and custody battles. I recommend talking to go, councilor, trace back steps of the night etc. If he truly is sorry he will agree to it.

*Gosh I think there's two extremes here actually. The one extreme is "leave him, he's going to murder you" and the other is, "don't listen to pp, he was just drunk."

No one of us knows exactly what's gone on here, but it's quite clear that this was very frightening and traumatic and OP is right to be concerned about what happens next. She's asked him to give her some space while she considers her next move.*

I should emphasise that I definitely think OP is doing the right thing in asking for space and to move forward the onus is on her husband to ensure this doesn't happen again.

Most aggressive drunks I've known have been sufficiently shamed when confronted with their behaviour that they've cut out the substance that caused the aggression for good, and that needs to happen with her husband.

Let him see the mess he’s caused hear what he has to stay let him pay for the damage. If he won’t do this then you need to think about your future he must think about the emotional damage this has caused.

He needs to agree never to drink again

I'm so sorry OP and I hope you're ok. I'm not going to join the cry of 'LTB' just yet.

I've seen similar happen before. A good friend who knew from a young age that he didn't get on with spirits. He was a huge bloke and could go out and drink 10+ pints easily without any negative effect, but one sip of a spirit would floor him so he gave them a very wide berth.

One night out some 'friends' decided it would be hilarious to drop a couple of vodkas into his pint. Poor friend became like a enraged animal, aggressive, violent, confused, unable to make sense or listen to sense. He was extremely ill for the next 2 days which was all he could remember of the whole incident.

It had never happened before and hasn't since.

The fact that your DH was actually in bed and asleep before this happened lends evidence to the fact that this could be a bad reaction to drink or drugs rather than the beginnings of abuse although PPs stories suggest that it's a good idea to keep your wits about you as you work this all out.

It's good that he's going to give you some space and time to think, and I hope you can both talk at length and get to the bottom of it. Sending hugs.

OP isn't obliged to accept it, forgive it or stay with it. She is entirely entitled to remove herself and unborn child whilst she thinks about it.

Trying to convince her otherwise, to explain away his actions, are not in her best interest.

Nobody has suggested either of these things. What they have suggested is she doesn’t just immediately jump to leaving him permanently and immediately over what might well be one isolated incident given his history.

He needs to agree never to drink again

He has.

I have also seen this happen as a one off. Lovely guy drank spirits, and had such a bad reaction - he just lost it and smashed up everything. It was so out of character and he couldn't remember a thing.he was mortified and hasn't touched alcohol since - this is nearly 20 years ago now.
I wouldn't immediately leapt to LTB therefore but he has to mean it when he says he won't drink and be suitably apologetic. If he does it again you need to leave - once bad reaction = unexpected and everyone is freaked out. A second would be deliberate and him choosing to take a known risk with your and your baby's safety.

The OP is obviously not coming back and who can blame her. 🙄

If you are reading OP, I hope you are ok. Do what is right for you.

OP sending you best wishes

Wtf are the daily fail doing taking sections of this thread and writing an article on it and leaving the usernames into the article

DFail
I left DV
My ex knows my username on here
He reads the daily fail too

Why would you leave a user name in?

Disgraceful