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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH got drunk and smashed things

399 replies

VioletG · 09/12/2021 08:06

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home.
This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late.

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.
There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I.

Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now?
I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person.
Please help, I can't think straight.

OP posts:
DerbyshireMama · 09/12/2021 08:54

My husband became noticeably abusive when I was pregnant - and this was after 10+ years together. Sometimes it takes a very long time to show although, like I did, you'll probably start seeing previous signs of abuse when you start looking at things differently.

Oh, and he'll say he doesn't remember because he was drunk. They always say they can't remember. It's gaslighting and takes away our power to hold them to account.

It got worse for me, I left before her first birthday and I'm fine on my own. It's peaceful and stable and safe, everything a baby needs to thrive.

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 08:55

@Charlieiscool

You need to stay calm and see how you feel after the two of you have a serious talk. You may have to leave but there may be an explanation.
There's not a single explanation that could justify his actions. He smashed their house up and she should be calm?
Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 09/12/2021 08:56

Leave now op, I wouldn’t be there when he wakes up

TowandaForever · 09/12/2021 08:57

@VioletG

I'm going to go out for coffee and leave him to it. I have a midwife appointment at half 12 too.

Thank you for your help. If I had a friend in the same situation, I know I'd tell her to leave. It's just hard applying that to yourself. Especially when it's a one off.

But pp is right, if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

It's easy to say you'd leave if your baby was born and he did this but like many of us you would probably find it more difficult to leave and make more excuses for him.
Twitterwhooooo · 09/12/2021 08:58

OP, that sounds terrifying. Definitely get out of the house and please tell your midwife what happened. And your mum, friends in real life etc - don't let this become some secret that you collude with him in.

Unfortunately, being with someone for seven years isn't a 'very long time' in the great scheme of things. Him behaving so violently when you are pregnant is a massive, massive red flag.

Just one step at a time.

Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas · 09/12/2021 09:00

Sorry your going through this op, I'm not entirely sure however you should leave a man who has never done anything this before?

Maybe one more chance?
With him agreeing to speak to someone about this?

Can I ask why its a known thing men do this when women pregnant?

toomuchlaundry · 09/12/2021 09:01

Is it slightly strange that he woke up confused and then got violent? He didn’t walk into the house and start smashing things up. That’s why I wonder if drugs, either taken voluntarily or involuntarily (spiked drink), were involved

Shedmistress · 09/12/2021 09:02

@Uninterested

I think I would see what he thinks too. Is drunk spiking a possibility. If it's so wildly out of character then maybe see a GP.
It is so wildly out of character that books have been written about it.

It is text book abusive male behaviour.

The first time is always put down as 'out of character' and once you accept it, the next time is also easier to accept and so on, until you are in the news one day with your name being read out by Jess Phillips.

Ponoka7 · 09/12/2021 09:02

You don't need to run from the house, you aren't in immediate danger. He should be the one to leave. What he did is still legally classed as violent towards you because of the fear you felt and the emotional distress. If there was a hint of similar behaviour then you need to phone the police. He should live elsewhere while you talk things through about what happened. A no alcohol rule would have to be put in place and take things from there.

endofthelinefinally · 09/12/2021 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeganVampire · 09/12/2021 09:05

@VioletG

I'm going to go out for coffee and leave him to it. I have a midwife appointment at half 12 too.

Thank you for your help. If I had a friend in the same situation, I know I'd tell her to leave. It's just hard applying that to yourself. Especially when it's a one off.

But pp is right, if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

Go now for your coffee, please tell the midwife what happened.

It's not a 'one-off' it's number one.

There is a baby in the house, it's just in your belly at the moment.

If he's kicking off at life changes now that you're pregnant, just imagine what he'll do when you come home with your baby.

endofthelinefinally · 09/12/2021 09:05

Arrggh. Quoted the wrong post!

Ponoka7 · 09/12/2021 09:05

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas

"Can I ask why its a known thing men do this when women pregnant?"

Because women are vulnerable and seen by the abuser as trapped. Abusive men aren't permanently abusive, there's usually cycles of abuse.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/12/2021 09:05

They do it while you’re pregnant because you’re trapped and vulnerable.

They also know that they will no longer be your first priority which upsets them.

You’re likely more dependent on them due to needing to stop work, maybe needing more physical help.

I think my exDH was upset by the lack of attention. He was thrilled when people were congratulating him and all lovely and supportive but once they stopped he ignored me.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 09/12/2021 09:06

pack a bag, go to your mother's with the dog, it's not hot, the dog will be fine in the car while you have your appointment and DO NOT GO HOME

Let him surface and find the mess, let him contact you, let him see what he had done and what his future might look like...alone, no wife, no child

Let him worry about where you are, what he has done and who knows.

endofthelinefinally · 09/12/2021 09:06

@Pinksloth

Look, it's not like he had no control. He didn't smash up the pub, he didn't smash up the bus on the way home.

He waited until he got home to his pregnant wife and smashed up their home together. That means he had an element of control and knowing what he was doing.

Violence against things is a predictor to violence against people. It at least indicates a leaning towards violence. At some level, he thought this was acceptable to do this to you.

When you're pregnant, even more than normal you need your home to be a safe haven.

I'd seriously contemplate this relationship OP. It's hard to live with someone you can't trust. To what extent might you modify your behaviour to ensure he's not 'upset' in future. It's a slippery slope.

THIS is what I meant to quote.
starrynight87 · 09/12/2021 09:11

Oh my god, I would have been terrified.

What has he said since?

ToughTittyWhompus · 09/12/2021 09:13

OP, there already is a baby in the house.

CiaoEB · 09/12/2021 09:13

I’d go to your mums, an hour isn’t really that far. You don’t necessarily have to make any big decisions or worry you’ll need to leave forever but by not being there when he wakes up, and him knowing you’ve told your mum, will make him realise what a massive thing it is and how it’s unacceptable. Otherwise it’s easy for him to wake up and shrug it off, you’ll minimise it and doubt yourself, then next time it could go a little further and a little further till your in a full blown violent relationship with a baby and so confused and in denial you can’t see a way to get out. You’ll be able to decide more easily if it’s the first time and you’re gone when he wakes up. Then he know you won’t tolerate any violence and he needs to be accountable.

Dearblossom · 09/12/2021 09:16

@VioletG

I'm going to go out for coffee and leave him to it. I have a midwife appointment at half 12 too.

Thank you for your help. If I had a friend in the same situation, I know I'd tell her to leave. It's just hard applying that to yourself. Especially when it's a one off.

But pp is right, if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

He has done it with a baby in the house, the baby in your tummy. First things first, imperative, get safety for you both. You don't know if this could happen again or his reactions when he wakes. Please tell someone you trust, your Mum. I would be inclined to make sure at least one of his friends knows too, they may know if this has happened before or be able to help intervene and encourage him to get support in leaving booze alone or their reaction may encourage you to leave now. If you haven't tidied do take pictures.

What a shock for you, so scary, please tell someone you trust, make yourself safe ok Flowers

bozzabollix · 09/12/2021 09:16

I think there needs to be more background on this. Is he otherwise really pleasant, placid, non controlling? Or are there elements of unpleasant behaviour anyway? If the former I’d be looking to whether he’d done this in his sleep (my husband has slept walked whilst drunk, it’s odd, like he’s awake but a zombie, he usually tries to find a toilet where there isn’t one - thankfully it’s been many years since he’s done it) or been spiked - I’ve read that sometimes people can act very out of character whilst sleep walking/spiked. If the latter I’d be very worried.

pepsipeckle · 09/12/2021 09:17

I'm thinking drink spiked.

ThreeLocusts · 09/12/2021 09:21

So sorry OP. One thing isn't quite clear to mu, is this the first time he got heaviy drunk since you became pregnant/since he knows you're pregnant?

If yes, then I fear that increases the likelihood that this is a sign of things to come. As pps said, this kind of behaviour can be provoked by pregnancy/the prospect of fatherhood/whatever the hell it is.

HailAdrian · 09/12/2021 09:21

No point repeating 'GET OUT NOW,' it's clear OP is not ready to do that.

Obviously, a conversation needs to be had before you make any decisions but I would agree with telling someone close to you.

PlanktonsComputerWife · 09/12/2021 09:21

I'd willingly believe it was a fluke, perhaps a spiked drink even or alcohol mixed with tablets, till you said you were pregnant.

This absolutely is when physical abuse (which this is) will start.

He could have hit you with the glass, maimed you permanently.

Everything he smashed carried the threat, "You are next."

Get out and take your poor dog

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