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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH got drunk and smashed things

399 replies

VioletG · 09/12/2021 08:06

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home.
This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late.

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.
There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I.

Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now?
I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person.
Please help, I can't think straight.

OP posts:
hotmeatymilk · 09/12/2021 08:18

Start making your plans to leave now. Tell people you trust – do you have family nearby? Your own bank account? Don’t tell him you’re leaving. Flowers

Original poster
VioletG · 09/12/2021 08:19

Yes, first baby. I have heard this before, but I don't know. His anger wasn't directed at me, he didn't actually hurt me.
I realise I sound pathetic, I'm just trying to process what happened.

I could go to my mums but she's over an hour away and I have hospital appointments I need to attend. If I asked him to leave he probably would. I think he will be utterly ashamed of himself. This really is out of character.

OP posts:
JuneOsborne · 09/12/2021 08:20

Tell your mum

Cheerbear24 · 09/12/2021 08:21

Take pictures of the destruction and leave and go and stay with your mum.

icedcoffees · 09/12/2021 08:22

Sadly, I'm really not surprised to learn that you're pregnant. It's very very common for domestic abuse to start in pregnancy.

Please please tell your mum.

gamerchick · 09/12/2021 08:22

You should have got him lifted last night for your own safety.

Do not clean up his mess. He needs to see it and his reaction will tell you a lot.

Ultimately though once they get away with something like this, it's a green light to it happening again. I'm figuring you'll probably forgive this as it's a first time. But if something like this happens again, no matter how much of a gap is inbetween. You must reconsider the relationship.

Twilight7777 · 09/12/2021 08:22

LTB! It’s only going to escalate

hotmeatymilk · 09/12/2021 08:24

His anger could have hurt you. What would have happened if you’d been holding a baby while we was smashing things up?

Pack a bag, take passport and credit cards and life admin documents etc, go to your mum’s, and go to hospital appointments from there – despite the distance.

Also PLEASE tell your midwife.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/12/2021 08:27

Please tell your mum.

Grab your dog and drive to her now. Please.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/12/2021 08:27

They are always ashamed OP. Doesn't stop it happening again.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/12/2021 08:27

Please don’t still be there when he wakes up.

I’m really scared for you.

pointythings · 09/12/2021 08:28

If he tries to minimise what happened in any way, run. If he isn't grovellingly apologetic, run. If he doesn't commit to seriously limiting his alcohol intake, run.

Wheelerdeeler · 09/12/2021 08:30

Does anyone think he took a drink or a drug that didn't agree with him? If here have never been signs like this before op needs to see his reaction today.

Bagamoyo1 · 09/12/2021 08:30

I expect he’ll say his drink was spiked.

surreymum89 · 09/12/2021 08:30

Could he have drunkenly fell and hit his head before he got home ?

If not then definitely as above , get away, this will just be the start of it.

hotmeatymilk · 09/12/2021 08:32

Does anyone think he took a drink or a drug that didn't agree with him? If here have never been signs like this before op needs to see his reaction today.
Does it matter? “It was the drink/drug that smashed up the house, not me.” The OP is still in a violent relationship. She absolutely does not need to stick around to hear the excuses and for him to learn it’s OK.

Original poster
VioletG · 09/12/2021 08:34

I'm going to go out for coffee and leave him to it. I have a midwife appointment at half 12 too.

Thank you for your help. If I had a friend in the same situation, I know I'd tell her to leave. It's just hard applying that to yourself. Especially when it's a one off.

But pp is right, if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

OP posts:
Shedmistress · 09/12/2021 08:35

Wait, you are still at home?

You need to decide if this is acceptable to you. If so then just tidy up and wait for it to be you or your child next time.

If not, get out of there. Appointments or not.

GiltEdges · 09/12/2021 08:35

But pp is right, if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

You say that OP, but sadly plenty don't. It's a slippery slope once you've allowed it once.

Tal45 · 09/12/2021 08:37

I wouldn't leave if he's never done anything like it in 7 years - as long as he agreed never to drink again. I hope you left everything as it was for him to see, tell him the dog was terrified - and he should imagine what that would be like for your child. I would definitely leave for a bit though to let him process what he has done, time to grow up now, people don't need drink let alone get shit faced.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/12/2021 08:38

He was home before 10pm, already so drunk he needed help getting to bed and this isn't the first time its happened?

How often is "not very regularly"?

As others say, violent and abusive behaviour in men is often contained until the first pregnancy. He should be the one to move out for a while as you decide what to do, not you.

Lockheart · 09/12/2021 08:38

I have no idea why posters think the police would arrest someone and remove them from their home for smashing up their own possessions. OP has been clear the anger and violence was not directed at her.

His reaction to the aftermath will tell you a lot OP. In the meantime I would really consider going to stay with your mum to get some space from him whilst you figure it out. I know you've said she's an hour away but would it really be completely impractical?

SleepyMathematician · 09/12/2021 08:39

@VioletG

I'm going to go out for coffee and leave him to it. I have a midwife appointment at half 12 too.

Thank you for your help. If I had a friend in the same situation, I know I'd tell her to leave. It's just hard applying that to yourself. Especially when it's a one off.

But pp is right, if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

You DO have a baby in the house. That baby isn’t born yet, but if he hurts you, which he could have done, that’s a risk to the baby. The only way I would even consider staying is if he takes a break whilst getting professional help and vows to never, ever drink a drop again in his life - and sticks to it. Anything less, any lapses, any even minor signs of repeat and you need to go. For the baby if not for you.
rach2713 · 09/12/2021 08:39

I would talk to him when he wakes up. Tell him how scared you was..

Burnamer · 09/12/2021 08:40

OP, could you ask @MNHQ to move this thread to the relationships board?
You will probably receive gentler and longer responses to help you discuss the situation rather than many people telling you to just get out.
I don’t disagree with that sentiment fwiw, but I think in your position I’d probably need a more nuanced conversation to get there.
That’s what you’ll get in Relationships.

In any case, good luck.