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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH got drunk and smashed things

399 replies

VioletG · 09/12/2021 08:06

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home.
This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late.

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.
There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I.

Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now?
I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person.
Please help, I can't think straight.

OP posts:

Nsky · 09/12/2021 08:40

Find out why, ask him, then decide

C8H10N4O2 · 09/12/2021 08:42

But pp is right, if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back

Probably you won't if you don't make a stand on this. Just as you would advise your friend to do differently, there will always be a reason why you won't or feel you can't or feel you can't disrupt the children etc etc

Speak to any woman in a refuge and they will describe many, many occasions where they felt unable to leave "because", such as "its the first time he went this far", "he's a good dad really", "he promised it would be the last time".

This occasion is a "the first time he went this far", not a total one off. That is why you both need time and space for you to work out just how big an issue it is.

Ellen888 · 09/12/2021 08:42

OP,
Please get advice;

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

Helpstopthepain · 09/12/2021 08:43

@VioletG

I'm going to go out for coffee and leave him to it. I have a midwife appointment at half 12 too.

Thank you for your help. If I had a friend in the same situation, I know I'd tell her to leave. It's just hard applying that to yourself. Especially when it's a one off.

But pp is right, if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

‘Especially when it’s a one off’

I really hope it is but everyone who is violent in their relationship has a first time.

edenhills · 09/12/2021 08:43

As it's so out of character I would want to know the cause. It's easy to say LTB when you are on the other side of a screen. If it was my DH I would be really worried for him as well as me. Don't clear up, take pictures. But make sure he is ok, did he hit his head or get spiked? If not he may need to never drink again and get counseling. If he is unwilling to understand how serious this is then go to your mum's with the dog. Tell her anyway. He can't change what has happened but he can change how he reacts to it. Remember you and your baby's safety is more important that anything else.

RealBecca · 09/12/2021 08:43

The thing is, you eother belive he had no control or you believe he had some control. Both are terrifying. It never happened before but if it ever happened again you could lose your baby. Either directly at his hands or as an 'accident' - what if that glass had hurt you and youd needed hospital? What if social services were involved.

I think at least you need to use clares law

Couchbettato · 09/12/2021 08:44

Get out right now. Don't try and justify it as just being a drunk thing. Don't try and think it's something medical.

Don't fall for his sorrys, he'll not do it again or his promise to change.

Just fucking run for the hills.

Signed - been there, done that, got a wardrobe full of T shirts.

DamnShesaSexyChick · 09/12/2021 08:45

Have a serious chat with him when he wakes up and make sure he knows he can never behave this way again. Drunk men can be very irritating. I real don’t think this isn’t salvageable though, people make mistakes and do stupid things sometimes.

endofthelinefinally · 09/12/2021 08:45

An hour isn't excessive. I travelled an hour to work 5 days a week for 20 years. Please go to your mum's. You have no idea what state he will be in when he wakes up. What can you do about the dog? Can you take it?

callygoballistic · 09/12/2021 08:46

@VioletG

I'm going to go out for coffee and leave him to it. I have a midwife appointment at half 12 too.

Thank you for your help. If I had a friend in the same situation, I know I'd tell her to leave. It's just hard applying that to yourself. Especially when it's a one off.

But pp is right, if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

Well he basically has done this with a baby in the house because you're pregnant and your baby will have just experienced all the stress reactions you went through

hotmeatymilk · 09/12/2021 08:46

Sorry, OP – I’m one of the ones on the other side of a screen, not in shock from a traumatic episode, just going “get out”. Pp is right, it’s not that easy.

For today, my best and gentlest advice is to do exactly what you’re doing – go out for your coffee, go to your appointment, and tell your midwife exactly what happened last night and what your feelings are right now. She’ll want to know, and she can hopefully offer wiser and gentler support than we can, and help make a support plan for you.

Hoppinggreen · 09/12/2021 08:47

See how he reacts today before you make any rash decisions, although I agree with other people that this could be the start of something
My usually lovely DH got very drunk 6 months ago and ended up deliberately breaking something. I was absolutely livid and told him to calm down or get out.
He was pretty mortified almost immediately and next morning he mended the item and apologised to me and the DC (who were in bed but just have heard the incident). He is still very embarrassed and upset about it and as he has never done something similar before and there was a unique set of circumstances that led to it we have just moved on.
I think the key for me was that at no point did I feel frightened or in danger, if I had it might be different

Clymene · 09/12/2021 08:47

I would pack and bag and go to your mum's after your MW appointment. Do not keep this a secret.

RealBecca · 09/12/2021 08:47

And def tell your mum and make surw he knows you have. If it is the start of a pattern the this is the first test about whether you will keep the secret.

A lot of women keep the secret in pregnancy for fear of social services involvement.

BridStar · 09/12/2021 08:48

He is a violent person. Unfortunately, this is who he is. This is how he will control and terrify you and your children for years to come. This is what your children will grow up with and repeat.

Men who smash items do it to show those around them what will happen to them if they cross him.

Whitegrenache · 09/12/2021 08:50

@Tal45

I wouldn't leave if he's never done anything like it in 7 years - as long as he agreed never to drink again. I hope you left everything as it was for him to see, tell him the dog was terrified - and he should imagine what that would be like for your child. I would definitely leave for a bit though to let him process what he has done, time to grow up now, people don't need drink let alone get shit faced.

Agree - whilst I would Never condone violence- this could be a one off.

Uninterested · 09/12/2021 08:50

I think I would see what he thinks too. Is drunk spiking a possibility. If it's so wildly out of character then maybe see a GP.

BridStar · 09/12/2021 08:50

@DamnShesaSexyChick

"Irritating"? Excusing 'drunk men' as if they're incapable silly babies?

It's not the 50s anymore. A woman's place is not sweeping up the broken glass at the feet of some revolting drunk.

FatCatThinCat · 09/12/2021 08:51

He's crossed a line and there's no coming back from this. You will always be on alert waiting for the next time. And there will be a next time. Sadly there alway is.

Pinksloth · 09/12/2021 08:52

Look, it's not like he had no control. He didn't smash up the pub, he didn't smash up the bus on the way home.

He waited until he got home to his pregnant wife and smashed up their home together. That means he had an element of control and knowing what he was doing.

Violence against things is a predictor to violence against people. It at least indicates a leaning towards violence. At some level, he thought this was acceptable to do this to you.

When you're pregnant, even more than normal you need your home to be a safe haven.

I'd seriously contemplate this relationship OP. It's hard to live with someone you can't trust. To what extent might you modify your behaviour to ensure he's not 'upset' in future. It's a slippery slope.

Charlieiscool · 09/12/2021 08:52

You need to stay calm and see how you feel after the two of you have a serious talk. You may have to leave but there may be an explanation.

prettypinkflamingo · 09/12/2021 08:52

There's always a first time, a one off, totally out of character....that's how it starts. I can clearly remember my first red flag moment and looking back I should have run then. And I knew it. But I stayed for another 10 years. It's not always easy to run and the longer it goes on the more you ignore those flags as they become normal to you. Whatever you decide this is your red flag....don't let there be another one.

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 08:53

Stay out of the house until he contacts you.
If he's grovelling when he does, ask him to leave the house so you can go home and feel safe. Tell him you're not going to tolerate that behaviour.

If he's not grovelling, don't go back. Ask a friend or relative to go and collect your things.

You can change midwives etc if you need to longer term.

Kuachui · 09/12/2021 08:53

yeah as soon as you said you were pregnant it made more sense.

Abusers tend to have a switch happen when either pregnancy happens or marriage. it doesnt usually start directed at the partner, tends to start with the house or the pets then onto the partner when they frustrate them.

i would talk with him and just try to get out wtf happened i mean has he never got that drunk in the 7 years?
and yes he should be ashamed

Bollocknays · 09/12/2021 08:53

Did his drink get spiked?

I once had my drink spiked while at university and before it made me “pass out” - I had a moment where I was hallucinating and extremely upset and agitated. I actually punched my best friend in the face as she tried to calm me down. Then my legs buckled and I fainted.

It became apparent that my drink was spiked and it was so scary. I actually don’t remember the night but many friends were there and another friend (male) had his drink spiked too and felt similarly to me.

IF it is completely out of character (and only you’ll know!) then this could be a possibility

But just make sure you are safe either way. X

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