DH got drunk and smashed things

[VioletG]

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home.
This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late.

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.
There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I.

Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now?
I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person.
Please help, I can't think straight.

@VioletG

I'm going to go out for coffee and leave him to it. I have a midwife appointment at half 12 too.

Thank you for your help. If I had a friend in the same situation, I know I'd tell her to leave. It's just hard applying that to yourself. Especially when it's a one off.

But pp is right, if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

At this point you don't know if it's a 'one off' or a 'first time'

It's well known that domestic abuse often starts in pregnancy

He'll probably be mortified and apologetic today. Don't be fooled

Read this book
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DH once got very drunk on whisky, and turned into a raging bull. He did similar, but I will say that I wasn't pregnant. I was so terrified that I went home that night to my Mum, and only went home on the condition that he never touched whisky again. Which he hasn't.

I would let him know how scared you were, and that this can't ever happen again especially with a child in the house. It's not that easy to LTB when you're pregnant and vulnerable, especially over one incident. But he does need to know that that's what will happen if there is a next time, and you need to mean it.

Look after yourself

Actually I also know someone who was spiked, they passed out and when they woke up really confused became aggressive and I believe punched someone else in the face. This person is not and never has been aggressive, either before or since.

So it seems after reading other posts, this is a common reaction after being spiked.

@VioletG

I'm going to go out for coffee and leave him to it. I have a midwife appointment at half 12 too.

Thank you for your help. If I had a friend in the same situation, I know I'd tell her to leave. It's just hard applying that to yourself. Especially when it's a one off.

But pp is right, if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

He IS a violent person . I’ve been drunk and so have most of the women on this thread but I’ve never smashed up anything. Because I’m not violent.

And it’s not a one off. It’s just the first time it’s been this bad.

And you are only newly pregnant. Many abusers don’t start to smash up things until the baby is born - yours is ahead of the game.

You say how will leave if you ask him to so please do so. He needs to go TODAY - if he doesn't have a mate he can go to , there’s a travel lodge / BNB.

Don’t let him back in your home . If you want to meet him, do so in a public place.

Don’t offer to fix this for him. Don’t have sex with him. Don’t let him come to scans or hospital appointments.

Tell your midwife. Cooperate with social services if they contact you.

See what help he gets himself without your prompting . Self help groups, counselling etc .

You need to put your safety and your baby’s safety above any inconvenience to him that happens from his actions.

Abuse usually starts when the female partner is pregnant

Take this seriously OP.
The first time my ex got violently drunk he ripped the bathroom sink off the wall. The second time he threw the TV into the wall and made a massive dent. I made excuses with him for both these incidents because he wasn't trying to hurt me.
The next time he smashed a heavy glass jug over my head and ripped the bathroom door off its hinges trying to get in whilst yelling that he was going to murder me.
Tell people, get help, leave.

1.) there is a baby in the house already op

2.) You are vunerable

3.) Its not a one off. This is the first time its happened but who is to say it wont happen again.

Please dont pull the wool over your eyes. He has shown you now what he is capable off. There is nothing to stop there being a next time, but next time that shard of glass may not miss your eye. Or your babies.

Do not tolerate this op. You have a baby you need to protect. Your partner needs anger management and he needs to stay off the drink if he is even half serious about being in your and the babies life.

Please please protect that defensless baby by doing whats right

@VirusgonnaVirus I think @NewlyGranny was trying to say that history tells us the wake up needs to come when property is broken before people are and events shouldn’t be minimised as just property damage that the victim can clear up - the classic slippery slope example of how the awful is normalised through small steps. The rest of her post is very measured and informative. Agree it’s a disrespectful comparison and the point would stand without it, maybe the post can be reposted without the end few lines.

This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc.

WTAF?!? No adult should ever get so wasted they cannot get into bed by themselves! Why is he drinking so much? This is not normal!!!

It makes no sense to me that he would go to sleep OK and then wake up and be aggressive. That's why I suspect it was out of his control. Makes me sound like a massive apologist but I guess there's a place where alcohol takes people sometimes. If it is 7 years of normal, rational non-violent behaviour then 7, 17, 70 minutes of madness perhaps out of their control is something I would forgive and I would tell them its not acceptable but also not be too harsh.

Obviously "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" and now this has happened your DH must take steps to not get that drunk ever again.

Only you know for sure whether this is a deal-breaker or something you can put to one side (with caveats, regarding sensible choices in the future).

I'm so sorry, OP. You must be feeling so shocked and horrified this morning.

My advice is to leave the house now, if you haven't already done so. Call your mum or a close friend and tell them everything. Go to your midwife appointment and tell her everything. Listen to what they all have to say, but don't make any decisions. Don't talk to your partner today. If he's calling/messaging, you could send a quick text saying you're safe and will talk to him when you're ready. Stay at your mum's house tonight and get a good night's sleep if you possibly can.

Take as much time as you need to work out your next move. As pp have said, abuse often starts in pregnancy and it does sound like you have an abusive partner. But today is not the day for big decisions. Today, talk to people you trust, get lots of hugs, a nice bath, a long sleep. Take care xx

He needs to at least realise the severity of his actions. Leave and tell him you don’t feel safe with him. It’s then on him to prove he won’t do it again

I know people who if they sometimes drink whiskey become belligerent/rough.

If he has never done this before I would leave everything he smashed for him to see and lay the law down.

Go out aNd stay elsewhere over the weekend.
Think over other incidents , issues

Maybe it s drink in which case what is he going to do zbout it
Maybe it s him
Either way you need to get away and send clear message

When he wake up znd sees the mess
You will know something from his reaction

Take lots of pictures of the damage, so he can't minimise it at a later date and possibly for evidence.

Look, it's not like he had no control. He didn't smash up the pub, he didn't smash up the bus on the way home.

He waited until he got home to his pregnant wife and smashed up their home together. That means he had an element of control and knowing what he was doing.

But the OP says she got him to bed and he went to sleep and then woke up shouting and that’s when the violence started. I’m not excusing violence but I’m wondering about drink spiking or a bang on the head.

Have only read first two pages of thread.

From personal experience (my DM's but also mine):-

does he have a drink problem? If he does and is willing to stop drinking/get help and also for the domestic abuse then that is the only way I'd even barely consider staying with him.

My DM met my DF, fell pregnant and had me and I think it was after I was born, maybe when I was 1 or so that the alcoholism started. Not DA though he would throw food on the floor etc. He hit her once after he dropped my DB after throwing him up in the air and failing to catch him before he was 1 - my DB was going to be walking early, DB suffered a broken leg through being dropped. That and being slapped in the car on way to hospital was enough for DM (they'd got married just after I was born) was enough for DM to want a divorce. She went to doctors to ask about help for DF's drinking but was told that unless he wanted help for it (and he didn't) then there was not a lot they could do (1970s).

DA though I've known women stay with an abuser who never or only maybe with a lot of help and understanding and therapy get better, and even then it is a long, hard road. I do know one man who did get better after DA destroying his marriage but I think he had other issues (mental health?) as he sadly took his own life during lockdown, I think he had too many demons. He did have a lovely 2nd wife, children etc but I know he also had a lot of therapy and support.

Anyway it's up to you which route you take. You shouldn't put up with DA/V but as you say it has been 7 years without issue so I'd be tempted to have a big talk and say either you get help for whatever issues and if not, then out, LTB.

if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

The only way that that would happen ( if he did this with a baby in the house) would be if you stay. I understand it's very difficult, you ask yourself was it really bad enough to leave ?

It has you questioning yourself already. That's the start. Which do you prefer, when you look back on this. Getting out at the first sign or .... wishing you had got out earlier.

I'm so sorry.

If he was so drunk he needed help getting to bed then He should have just passed out and stayed asleep. The fact he woke back up is really odd and I'd think that maybe he has been spiked. Especially since this isn't normal behaviour for him.

Id try get him to find out if anyone else he was out with may have been spiked too.

@Crayzeefrog

He needs to at least realise the severity of his actions. Leave and tell him you don’t feel safe with him. It’s then on him to prove he won’t do it again

@Crayzeefrog - smashing things though to me (even when drunk) - that's severe enough.

If he doesn't realise or conveniently blanks out and 'forgets' things when drunk or doesn't show enough remorse/prove he won't do it again then he should be gone.

Have tried to read the whole thread to see if this has been mentioned, but are you 100% sure he was awake?
I have been known to sleepwalk after heavy drinking, my partner thought I was awake at first. One of the times I pulled a TV off the wall. I was even talking and responding to him (although I wasn't making a lot of sense).

A friend of my daughter did something similar, his drink had been spiked.

That's when it started for me. We were blissfully happy. The pregnancy news was met with such overwhelming joy... and then it quickly went to shit and I saw my then-husband show a side I'd no idea existed: Violent, hostile, then fine in between, then violent, hostile, resentful, then fine again, then... cheating. YAY!
It was horrible. Honestly, people on MN sometimes start threads with why do women choose such shitty men? Because you don't know they're shitty until they're shitty.

He's showing you who he is and being drunk isn't much of an excuse, is it? If they're hurting you, drunk or sober, they're hurting you. The outcome is the same. The danger you're putting yourself in is the same. The need to protect yourself from violence is paramount. And your baby doesn't need the stress (I am so sorry- I don't want to place any guilt or blame on you. But my DS was a very nervous little baby who screamed whenever he'd hear a man's voice, apart from my own dad's, which was interesting and telling. The womb must be a place of peace).

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

I don't know... ordinarily I'd be saying run a mile, but in this situation it doesn't even sound like he was conscious. More like a mad drunken sleepwalking incident from the way he was behaving - and the way he's never behaved this way before. As long as he got help so he stopped drinking then I'd probably be inclined to assume it was a one-off from the combination of drink and sleep/dreaming and not ascribe it DV, abuse, the pregnancy etc. Many here will disagree I'm sure and as I say, in other cases of violence on here I'd be with them all the way. But given the specifics, I don't know... Certainly though OP should seek real life support and advice and do whatever she needs to in order to keep safe.