DH got drunk and smashed things

[VioletG]

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home.
This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late.

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.
There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I.

Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now?
I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person.
Please help, I can't think straight.

*Women need support, compassion and a listening ear, advice and sometimes good reliable information like legal situation etc.

They don't need told what to do.*

Yeah, I think it's awful when OP indicates that she's not ready to leave and gets 'well, your poor baby, everything that happens now is your fault,' or words to that effect. I actually think it's disgusting to put that on a woman who has been traumatised, basically.

I got pissed on whisky once , and behaved in a very out of character way. Apparently ( I have no memory of it) I was belligerent and aggressive , and threw a box of wine glasses at someone.It was about 20 years ago. I have never touched whisky or behaved like that again.

I think it sounds like he's having some mental health problems.

Either he was drunk and stuck in his head, winding himself up about something and exploded. I have done this before and ended up being diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

Or he was being aggressive in his sleep which was exaggerated by the alcohol. Again, not unheard of.

I wouldn't jump straight to LTB or anything like that as I don't know him, or you. If I were you I would spend some time reading up about your options if you were to leave. Or about support and help for you to deal with a partner with mental health problems.

He needs to get to grips with what's happened and prove to you that he gives a shit by finding his own solutions to prevent this happening again.

Above PP are correct, the haranguing because OP doesn't instantly pack his bags and divorce him is disgusting.

What some posters forget is that this is real life for OP, not some drama on their screen. They have no investment in OPs life and don't care what happens.

Shouting leave, NOW, police, NOW, kick him out, NOW is unhelpful and very unsupportive. Just because you're saying what you think is right doesn't make you useful.

For OP, she's living this situation. Less than 24 hours ago she experienced a very distressing situation. And everything in her life is tied up with it - her home, her baby, her partner, her future plans and dreams. It's easy to put your phone down and walk away from a thread, not so easy for the OP to walk away from her life. Especially not when you are in shock.

I'm glad he's going to give you space to think and process what happened, OP. I hope you'll have the house to yourself or go to your mum's.

Where there is control and violence, even low level violence it increases you dying by homocide by 900%. Dr. Stark (2009) study by Gloucester University . Is this the household you want to bring a child into? It only gets worse.

I'm glad he's left for a few days for you to think about what you want/need.

I hope he proves he can stop drinking, but is that feasible long term? Do you want him to be teetotal?

Make sure you take as long as you need to do what's right for you. Don't let anyone here or in real life, including him, railroad you into any rash decisions.

I don't think that it matters why he did it, at this point. Fretting about that only really serves to centre him, when he is the least important person here. What matters, OP, is your safety and that of your unborn baby. I'm glad that he has agreed to leave for a while and I hope that you don't agree to hide the reason for it. I would be wanting to see real evidence of him seeking professional help before I would even consider having him back (and to be honest, I would be doubtful even then).

Get all the support you can, from anyone you can. I wish you all the best.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

I think it sounds like he's having some mental health problems.

Either he was drunk and stuck in his head, winding himself up about something and exploded. I have done this before and ended up being diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

Or he was being aggressive in his sleep which was exaggerated by the alcohol. Again, not unheard of.

I wouldn't jump straight to LTB or anything like that as I don't know him, or you. If I were you I would spend some time reading up about your options if you were to leave. Or about support and help for you to deal with a partner with mental health problems.

He needs to get to grips with what's happened and prove to you that he gives a shit by finding his own solutions to prevent this happening again.

If he is violent whether MH or drunk He needs to stay away While being assessed For the cause if there is one Op cannot risk Herself and unborn baby She nearly lost an eye or worse This was not an accident

Well done for having him leave.

You need the space to really think about what happened and why.

Please reach out for support.

Apologies mean nothing, actions are what count.

Take this time to reflect on his past behaviour.

Has their ever been a hint of controlling behaviour?

Ever a hint on anger, controlled rage, short temper, over reaction to small annoyances?

Because if there has been, this is very likely an escalation of this.

Tell your mid wife what happened.

Do you actually believe he will NEVER drink again?

Above all else your safety has to be paramount.

It is more important than how you feel.

This should change how you feel about him.

You now know what he is capable of and you need to think how that would effect how you will act around him.

I know if my husband behaved like that, it would make me very wary.

There would certainly never be any peace if he touched alcohol again.

Put yourself first here OP.
You deserve better than this.

@VioletG "He's also said he'll never drink again."

Take care.
Please confide in someone in rl.
It may not be alcohol.
You really really need to find out if drugs were involved.
Or PTSD.

Robinhorn are you trying to further upset the OP? Maybe just try to be supportive and helpful instead of browbeating and giving out alarming statements.

OP you may well find better advice and a bit of a calmer reaction to your post in the Relationships board. If you want, MN will move it for you, I'm sure.

Where there is control and violence, even low level violence it increases you dying by homocide by 900%. Dr. Stark (2009) study by Gloucester University . Is this the household you want to bring a child into? It only gets worse.

Did Dr. Stark have many examples of a 7 year relationship where there had been absolutely no hint of control, or abuse, or any kind of violent behaviour until one seemingly isolated incident? I’d be interested to know what the statistics are in that situation.

Love how judgemental everyone is on this thread….

No one here knows the OP’s dh?

It is possible he had a reaction to something her drank? it is possible his drink was spiked? It is possible that he doesn’t remember?

OP has been with him for 7 years and he’s never done anything like this before even whilst drunk.

OP, no one here can tell you what to do or what not to do, maybe he is telling the truth or maybe he isn’t? Maybe he took something other than alcohol? You know him better than anyone on here does so your judgement is the best judgement.

I am in the camp that feels this is a bit more complicated because he woke up in this state. He didn't come home ranting and raving which suggests a degree of confusion, delerium or some form of sleep walking.

That's not to say it's okay and you need a decent action plan to ensure it doesn't happen again.

I would:

• spend a few nights away. He needs to understand the seriousness and consider how his actions have affected you
• sit down in a day or so and talk about it properly. What did he drink/ take that was different to usual. And be clear you expect honesty
• make sure there is proper action to preventing it in the future. Not just"I'll never drink again" which is unrealistic.

As an aside I did wonder if he may have been doing shots with red bull. I know someone who did something similar and is convinced it was the caffeine inducing a fight or flight response. And someone else who ended up in hospital with an irregular heartbeat beat and in an absolute state of anxiety

Yes domestic abuse typically starts when a women is pregnant. Drinking is no excuse. Get out now OP. He is likely to be abusive again and you have to protect yourself and your unborn baby.

I've seen this happen twice. Once was a night out with friends and I did a load of tequila shots with a friend's husband. I was fine, but he turned psycho - it was scary. It's about fifteen years now, and he's never touched it since, and never had a problem.
The second time was me. I got drunk on whiskey and turned into a horrible person. Threw people out of the house, and was awful. Again, I haven't touched whiskey in over twenty years and I never will.

I'm not negating what everyone else has said...maybe it was drugs, maybe he does have a problem, but I just wanted to show that it can be a one off.

Is it possible he could have been still asleep?
When I was a university student, I had an en suite room. One morning I woke up, and the bathroom was completely trashed. The shower curtain ripped down, shower gels squeezed out all over the floor, toilet roll rammed down the toilet.
The door was locked so it could only have been me who did it.
I have a history of sleep walking but that was the first and only time I have been destructive in my sleep.

Please just take a deep breath and an hour to think.

You are pregnant, vulnerable and isolated. He has been sickeningly violent around you and you have taken it - cleaned it up, kept it mainly to yourself and are now damage limitationing.

He's abused you, drunk or not, high or not, abused you. It may be a one off, it may be the start of a CYCLE of violence that can and will harm you, the dog and most importantly your baby.

This is not an apology situation and it's all resolved. This has changed the whole dynamic of your relationship. Please ask him to leave the house/wait until he's out or take someone you trust, go home, pack some things and go somewhere safe. You cannot nor should you be around him right now.

He needs to never touch alcohol again, undergo extensive counselling and anger management and prove to you how desperately sorry he is that this ever happened and that it was the worst decision of his life. PROVE - not tell you.

You can always leave and should always leave in the face of violence. Your safety is more important than ANYTHING.

Please right now contact your best friend/family member and tell them the entire situation and contact a member of his family and make them aware. The more people who know this happened the better. Abusers thrive on secrecy. Scream this from the rooftops, that will keep you the safest.

@AthenaPopodopolous

Yes domestic abuse typically starts when a women is pregnant. Drinking is no excuse. Get out now OP. He is likely to be abusive again and you have to protect yourself and your unborn baby.

Also this.

It happened to DH's Mother. His Father was the kindest man until she was about five months pregnant with DH's brother.

Let's just say it ended badly. PLEASE, PLEASE don't become another statistic OP. Please appreciate the enormity of this.

Again, when the DH woke, he was confused and he was trying to get OUT OF the house. He didn't attack OP in any way.

I have experience of witnessing delirium and night terror type disorders, and trying to escape is very very typical of them.

Frightening the OP further with such dramatic responses to her post is entirely unhelpful. She is doing the right thing by getting out of the way for the moment, but people leaping straight to domestic abuse and not considering what is the more likely cause, are being unreasonable. Neither can be discounted, but the behaviour sounds very much more related to delirium than abuse.

I think you've handled this perfectly.

So get the delirium diagnosed
And measures in place to prevent
If next delirium kills or Injures her or baby
It won't matter the why

Agree about delirium, my very peaceful gran had a severe uti, was taken into hospital and attacked the nurse, causing her to have time off work. Life isn't black and white regardless of what posters claim.

I have a friend who while drinking is normally OK.
Whiskey though make him the most unpleasant obnoxious person ever, it is actually quite common.
I think you need to reassess what happened last night together in the context of your fear and having a young child in the house soon.
As you say he wasn't violent to you and could have been if this was in him.
You just both need to work out a path from here without alcohol, it seems he has already made some commitment to this decision already.
I would encourage him also to seek some professional help aswell.