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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH got drunk and smashed things

399 replies

VioletG · 09/12/2021 08:06

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home.
This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late.

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.
There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I.

Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now?
I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person.
Please help, I can't think straight.

OP posts:
Fynix · 09/12/2021 15:15

In certain towns a spate of drinks being spiked has been going on, possibly something to consider if this isn't like him at all.

DerbyshireMama · 09/12/2021 15:27

Reading through these comments it's very apparent who has been through similar.

The posters blaming it on spiking or sleepwalking or a one-off are the lucky ones.

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 15:28

@DerbyshireMama

Reading through these comments it's very apparent who has been through similar.

The posters blaming it on spiking or sleepwalking or a one-off are the lucky ones.

Or the ones still going through it and making excuses. Let's not be presumptuous.
Drinkingallthewine · 09/12/2021 15:30

I've been where you are now.
And I do agree with everyone here - it's textbook that it starts when you are vulnerable (pregnancy, financial dependency or illness) and it never gets better.

I also know that right now you feel he wasn't violent towards you - and he wasn't - this time. In my case, it was usually house stuff that got smashed, but funnily enough never his prized possessions, only mine. And that was enough for him for a while, until it wasn't. Then he began on me. Mostly verbal, but occasionally physical. I didn't even leave when he smashed my car, or strangled me - but I did leave when I had a flash of a future of him being abusive in front of a toddler - and it was then that I realised that while I desperately wanted children, this was not the man to father them.

But I remember that confusion, and thinking it was out of character, thinking that he meant it when he said he would change. How good it was when it was good. So I know that from your posts you are leaning towards staying, because I was like that too. And I will not judge you.

What I will tell you though is that by staying, you are signalling to him that this behaviour is acceptable. That you forgive it. For you, it's giving him a last chance, for him, it's permission for the next time- even if he doesn't even realise it yet. For him the line's been crossed now and that was the hardest bit. After that, being violent gets easier.

You are in the remorse cycle now. He will sob his heart out. He will promise you the moon. In this case, never drinking again. Well, in a few weeks you'll see if he meant that. It'll be Christmas. You'll be out with friends and it would be rude to refuse a pint. That you are being a nag. He never promised you anything of the sort anyway. You are trying to be controlling and he'll probably say some horrible stuff to his friends about you trying to control him. Remember this - a truly remorseful and horrified man will turn down that drink and every one after. So in a few weeks he'll probably revert to as if it never happened, and you'll think it's in the past but it's not.

If you feel you need to give him the chance, I get that. With the wisdom of hindsight we can all tell you you are wasting your time, but many of us did exactly what you feel you need to do now. So all I can say is that we are here for you, whatever happens. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst - Think about your red line and what that is, and have plan to leave the instant that happens. Review what you need to review for a possibility of fleeing and of a life away from him in terms of your joint finances.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 09/12/2021 15:34

if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

As others have said - he DID do this with your baby in the house. He could have hurt you and the baby.

Whatever else you have dne today I hope you have told someone in your life. Just so you have somone who is aware of your predicament.

Ohbotherpiglet · 09/12/2021 15:37

@IamtheDevilsAvocado go to the gp because he had a fit of rage when drunk? What exactly do you expect GP to do? They aren’t going to send him for a brain scan because he got drunk once and became an arsehole. Is his willingness to go supposed to prove how remorseful he is/isn’t? That’s not what a gp is for.

Girlonit · 09/12/2021 15:49

Had you been with him 7 years @Drinkingallthewine? Before any sign of violence?

I’m not saying it doesn’t happen and I do understand where a lot of posters are coming from in their warning to Op. But I think @BoredZelda makes a good point. I’ve worked with a lot of DV cases and yes pregnancy is quite often a trigger or a time when things escalate, but there’s usually been some warning signs previously and in all but one case I’ve worked on which began in pregnancy, thd pregnancy happened very early in the relationship.

I’ve seen two people act similar to this in relation to alcohol. One a female friend who is certain it was down to what she was drinking, the second a alcoholic who tried going cold turkey then ended up drinking a full bottle of whisky. Both cases neither remembered the next day and at the time I can only describe them as being possessed, neither was very coherent or seemed aware of their surroundings.

If he’s genuine op I’d imagine it’s freaked him out and I’d be expecting him to make an appointment with his GP ASAP. Was there any alcohol he drank that he’s never drank before? And have you asked him if he took any drugs? In the case of my friend we ended up in A&E as she hurt herself and they really didn’t believe us at first when we said she hadn’t taken drugs.

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 09/12/2021 15:59

I hope you're okay op , and that your appointment went well.

I have a night I don't remember many years ago. I'd consumed an entire bottle of vodka (large) and did some massively out of character things , I wasn't aggressive , but I certainly wasn't behaving like myself. I haven't had alcohol in years now as I scared myself.

I do hope you get to the bottom of this and that he means it when he says he'll stop drinking.

newnamefor2021 · 09/12/2021 16:01

@BoredZelda

Yes domestic abuse typically starts when a women is pregnant. Drinking is no excuse. Get out now OP. He is likely to be abusive again and you have to protect yourself and your unborn baby.

First of all, if you are going to state this as fact, you need to back it up with some kind of data. You can say, it sometimes does, or it’s known to, but to say it typically happens at that point is not at all factual.

But even if the data supported that (which as far as I can see it doesn’t) there are many other factors in the OP that need to be taken in to consideration. They have been together for 7 years. In most relationships the first pregnancy happens sooner than that and this correlates with the length of time it “typically” takes DV to start, with pregnancy “typically” being a trigger. But even in those cases, there are warning signs along the way. OP has been clear, this is very out of character for her husband and there haven’t been warning signs along the way. It also didn’t happen in a very “typical” way.

There are plenty of scenarios on there where people post about violent or abusive partners and people rightly advise leaving them, but in this scenario it really isn’t as clear cut as that.

Had I left my husband when he had the only drunken episode that led to him being very aggressive (not against me) 20 years ago at the beginning of our relationship, it would have meant losing out on what has been a really good marriage, with a really good man who is an excellent father to our daughter and has never shown anything even approaching what happened on that one occasion I posted about earlier in the thread.

Here you go. 😃
DH got drunk and smashed things
NewlyGranny · 09/12/2021 16:01

[quote PrincessNutella]Pregnancy is a leading cause of MURDER in the US I am ashamed to say. Don't let this happen to you in the UK.
news.yahoo.com/murder-leading-cause-death-pregnancy-214123386.html[/quote]
Look again, Princess: pregnancy does not cause murders. Rather, murder is the commonest cause of death in pregnancy. How terrifying is that?

Girlonit · 09/12/2021 16:02

Also apologies for going over it again. But you said you managed to get him into bed, we’re you trying to do that from him waking? When you spoke to him did he respond as if he knew and understood you?

I do hope you’re ok Op and whatever the reason it’s very scary and shocking so you’re absolutely right to ask him to stay elsewhere. I’d also tell your mum or a friend, just to have someone in real life whom you can discuss this with.

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 16:04

@newnamefor2021 30% isn't typically, is it. It's not even half.

rwalker · 09/12/2021 16:05

Wife went on a full on agressive rampage after gin and punched me

oakleaffy · 09/12/2021 16:17

''Newly pregnant'' Oh no.

A bad sign. Domestic violence in men can for some reason be triggered by pregnancy.
Get out now.
It's bound to escalate. That is absolutely not normal behaviour, and does sound like drugs were taken, stimulants most likely.

newnamefor2021 · 09/12/2021 16:23

@rwalker

Wife went on a full on agressive rampage after gin and punched me
30% of all domestic abuse starts during pregnancy. You didn't think that alarming? Obviously the majority of domestic abuse starts much earlier but still nearly a third of all domestic abuse starts at pregnancy is a worrying statistic.
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 09/12/2021 16:23

@DerbyshireMama

Reading through these comments it's very apparent who has been through similar.

The posters blaming it on spiking or sleepwalking or a one-off are the lucky ones.

I’ve both been a victim of DV, worked with victims of DV and I’ve also destroyed property while asleep. This sounds more like the latter.
ChickenyChick · 09/12/2021 16:46

@PrincessNutella it's not the pregnancy that kills women

It's the men

It's what people are saying

(it's not something that women bring upon themselves by daring to get pregnant)

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 09/12/2021 16:52

@rwalker

Wife went on a full on agressive rampage after gin and punched me
Huh?

You can't see past NAMLAT or SWALT on a thread like this?

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 16:56

@HoardingSamphireSaurus lots of people are giving their own stories of times that their partners have been violent after drinking. @rwalker is just doing that. It's nothing about whether the offender or victim is male or female.

Spasiba · 09/12/2021 16:57

The OP comes across as a very sensible lady, so hopefully she'll be able to filter out the knee-jerk responses and, with the help of family, resolve this situation in the best way.

Queenie6655 · 09/12/2021 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 09/12/2021 17:08

[quote girlmom21]@HoardingSamphireSaurus* lots of people are giving their own stories of times that their partners have been violent after drinking. *@rwalker is just doing that. It's nothing about whether the offender or victim is male or female. [/quote]
It doesn't read like that to me, or others. And I think I remember similarly dismissive posts from that poster before.

I'll wait for @rwalker to clarify...

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 17:09

@HoardingSamphireSaurus if they're just being awkward/dickish I apologise

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 09/12/2021 17:16

Oh there won't be any need to apologise @girlmom21 If we read things wrong it's just par for the course on any forum! Curse of the written word Smile

Lizzy1980 · 09/12/2021 17:41

I'm sorry OP but this will happen again. These are never isolated incidents. Please leave, you have a responsibility to your unborn child........and please take your poor dog. Don't underestimate just how traumatizing incidents like this are to dogs. You have a responsibility to him too.
I really hope you're ok. What a horrible shock you've had