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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH got drunk and smashed things

399 replies

VioletG · 09/12/2021 08:06

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home.
This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late.

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.
There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I.

Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now?
I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person.
Please help, I can't think straight.

OP posts:

bellsbuss · 09/12/2021 14:03

This sounds like how my friend was after having their drink spiked

OneTC · 09/12/2021 14:04

This sounds like a spiking more than anything else, especially as totally out of character

Shedmistress · 09/12/2021 14:05

@motheroftwoboys

I wonder how many of you have actual experience of this sort of thing. I have. My DH husband went through an awful awful time some years ago and we suffered the whole gamut of experiences including police involvement and temporary separation. We got through it. he is now a recovering alcoholic of 15 years standing and works in mental health services. We have been married for 32 years and I am very proud of him. It would have been much easier to leave him but I am so happy I did not. Leaving someone is not always the answer. Specially if you love them.

I have.

I left after the first smack that landed me on the floor.

I'm proud of myself for leaving. With 5 tesco bags in my car, which I slept in for a few nights. I had to wait a few days for a replacement bank card as he took mine so I had no money either.

FatCatThinCat · 09/12/2021 14:08

@motheroftwoboys

I have, which is why I know from experience that however long they've been sober they're still only 1 drink away from doing it all again. That's no way to live and raise children. Always on eggs shells trying to avoid triggering that next drink, knowing that one day it will happen.

And it's not easier to leave a violent, abusive man. If it were there wouldn't be thousands of women and children trapped in abusive homes. I'm glad it worked out for you, but you are the exception not the norm.

FusionChefGeoff · 09/12/2021 14:09

I'm an alcoholic in recovery and I've been told about things I've done when I'm blackout that I genuinely have no memory of. The fact he was asleep and woke up is more likely to add to the memory problems so I'd be inclined to believe him.

Secondly, DS sleepwalks and, what he sees during these episodes is a blend of reality and dreams. They are 100% real to him at the time.

So add the booze / sleeping combo together and I would be willing to consider it was a freaky one off. As long as he made a very serious problem to swear off booze for a loooooooooooooooonnnggg time.

beastlyslumber · 09/12/2021 14:10

@Rangoon

There is a a well known phenomenon of men becoming violent for the first time when their partner gets pregnant for the first time. The OP is pregnant for the first time.

Why is everybody going on about his drink being spiked when even the OP says it was dinner with a friend and drinks in a quiet bar next door? His friend is unlikely to have spiked his drink. Why or how could anybody spike his drink in the circumstances the OP describes?

Then there are people who say that he might have sleepwalking! Or not awake! I find it odd that suddenly with no prior episodes he is sleepwalking. My father did sleepwalk and the worst he did was try to telephone the local council.

The simplest and most likely thing is that this is the start of domestic violence. The world is full of women who thought they had lovely non-violent husbands or partners - sometimes for years - and then discovering when they are pregnant that they are married to some kind of monster.

I hope I am wrong but I am astonished at the apologists for this man's drunken and terrifying behaviour. I understand why OP is not leaving but I think she should keep a grab bag - essential documents, money, credit card, spare car keys, maybe a cheap phone plus a charger pack, and any necessary medication.

The simplest answer is usually the most accurate one. The idea that he's been spiked is far fetched, to say the least.

I agree with the advice to have a grab bag ready to go.

FusionChefGeoff · 09/12/2021 14:10

Promise not problem

Pascal80 · 09/12/2021 14:10

Op - he binge drunk himself on shots - to complete blackout, then violence/smashing things up. I've seen it many times - the shock of what they have done really can make many people stop drinking for life.

Alcohol abuse is rife and normalised in our society, but stopping drinking alcohol is a massive gift and is absolutely worth it.
A man who drinks to such a state will always be a liability - once is enough.

ImJustMum · 09/12/2021 14:11

If he was just getting up as you left, and he took all that time to call you? If i woke up and came downstairs and the house and the tv was smashed up and i GENUINELY had no idea why, id be straight on the phone asking WTF had happened.

irene9 · 09/12/2021 14:12

Tell him to go to the GP.
If this is truly out of character, and by that I mean that nothing in the past has ever, ever, ever come close to this sort of behaviour either while drinking or not drinking.
If he's as truly surprised as you say he is, and the behaviour is extraordinary for him then he'll be happy to go to the GP for a chat.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/12/2021 14:13

Many women have been through this. Love usually comes way down the list of reasons for staying. You can still love someone but embarrassment, fear, nowhere to go, low self esteem, family pressure, lack of money, religious shame and the eternal hope that hollow promises are finally kept are among the many things that stop someone calling time on a relationship.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/12/2021 14:18

@JuneOsborne

Ah, newly pregnant. Explains it. Violent men often get violent in pregnancy. I fear this won't end well.

Tell somebody. Make it real, do not let it be a secret that you keep

This... Please do this. Please protect yourself and your unborn one

Sparklfairy · 09/12/2021 14:21

@VioletG

He says he had no idea why the TV was broken until I told him what happened. He did seem genuinely shocked and remorseful. But still, I think need some time to myself, so I have asked him to leave for a few days and he's agreed. He's also said he'll never drink again.

You do need to be wary, as this does have all the hallmarks of abuse starting, especially as you're pregnant.

However, when I mix certain drinks, and it doesn't have to be anywhere near what your DH had, I've been known to do some strange things (though never violence).

Most memorable (just not to me!) was snakebites in my early 20s in my boyfriend's flat. Just mixing Stella and Scrumpy Jack half and half in a pint glass (classy!). I had 3. Apparently I fell asleep, woke up, and then began crawling along the floor on my arse (no hands) without a word. Boyfriend asked where I was going and I said I need the toilet. He was pissing himself laughing as I inched past the toilet at a snails pace, got to the front door and tried reaching up to the yale lock all confused asking why my arms were so short. He had to steer me to the bathroom and to bed. I have zero recollection to this day.

Not to make light of your situation with this story but it sounds like he had an absolute skinful of a bit of everything, which can do strange things. I would be interested to see if he really did 'never drink again', which would show true remorse, or if he was good for a while, then it was 'just' a few beers and getting arsey at you because he's not drinking the same as last night then it's not the same and everything will be fine.

IMO this was serious enough that yes, he should NEVER drink again. I've never touched snakebite again, it was just harmless embarrassment. But what he did was so so serious, as a wife I would be beside myself with anxiety that it would happen again if he touched so much as a glass of red again.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/12/2021 14:27

I’m not an expert but I think he needs to make the never drinking again resolution official somehow fir it to count for anything. So going to an AA meeting, making his family and friends aware of what happened and why he no longer drinks etc. If he was genuine he’d do this.

Might not mean you should stay with him even if sober, but would mean your child could have contact with him.

Coolcoolcool · 09/12/2021 14:29

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Hope you’re doing ok today and feel safe at your mums. I agree with pp - tell your mum and have her help you make a decision as to what happens next.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/12/2021 14:37

@VioletG

He's not awake yet. We've been together for a very long time. He's never done this before.

I feel like I can't just leave over this. I'm newly pregnant too. I'm so confused and hurt. And angry.

DOMESTIC ABUSE VERY OFTEN STARTS WHEN A WOMAN BECOMES PREGNANT.

It will happen again.

It will get worse.

Get out now.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/12/2021 14:38

Sorry - i shoulld have read further - you are out. Don't go back.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/12/2021 14:50

@irene9

Tell him to go to the GP. If this is truly out of character, and by that I mean that nothing in the past has ever, ever, ever come close to this sort of behaviour either while drinking or not drinking. If he's as truly surprised as you say he is, and the behaviour is extraordinary for him then he'll be happy to go to the GP for a chat.

But also this...

if he genuinely Never EVER has made you feel devalued /invalidated /controlled /frightened....

Go to the GP with him 'ask for a longer appt (my GP does double length appts).

And tell them EVERYTHING...

Has he ever had memory issues?
Changes in his speech /orientation?
Has he had a head injury at all...
Is his bodily movements usual? He's walking moving normally?
Has he had any history of MH issues?
PTS?

PrincessNutella · 09/12/2021 14:55

If your husband voluntarily 1. got drunk, and voluntarily 2. acted violent, then both of those things are in his character. Alcohol merely exacerbates whatever is there. And he chose to drink. .

PrincessNutella · 09/12/2021 14:57

Pregnancy is a leading cause of MURDER in the US I am ashamed to say. Don't let this happen to you in the UK.
news.yahoo.com/murder-leading-cause-death-pregnancy-214123386.html

skodadoda · 09/12/2021 15:01

Was he sleepwalking?

BoredZelda · 09/12/2021 15:03

Yes domestic abuse typically starts when a women is pregnant. Drinking is no excuse. Get out now OP. He is likely to be abusive again and you have to protect yourself and your unborn baby.

First of all, if you are going to state this as fact, you need to back it up with some kind of data. You can say, it sometimes does, or it’s known to, but to say it typically happens at that point is not at all factual.

But even if the data supported that (which as far as I can see it doesn’t) there are many other factors in the OP that need to be taken in to consideration. They have been together for 7 years. In most relationships the first pregnancy happens sooner than that and this correlates with the length of time it “typically” takes DV to start, with pregnancy “typically” being a trigger. But even in those cases, there are warning signs along the way. OP has been clear, this is very out of character for her husband and there haven’t been warning signs along the way. It also didn’t happen in a very “typical” way.

There are plenty of scenarios on there where people post about violent or abusive partners and people rightly advise leaving them, but in this scenario it really isn’t as clear cut as that.

Had I left my husband when he had the only drunken episode that led to him being very aggressive (not against me) 20 years ago at the beginning of our relationship, it would have meant losing out on what has been a really good marriage, with a really good man who is an excellent father to our daughter and has never shown anything even approaching what happened on that one occasion I posted about earlier in the thread.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 09/12/2021 15:03

@skodadoda

Was he sleepwalking?

I think so too. It sounds very similar to something I did while asleep.

BoredZelda · 09/12/2021 15:04

Pregnancy is a leading cause of MURDER in the US I am ashamed to say. Don't let this happen to you in the UK.

That is not what the piece says. Try again.

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 15:13

[quote PrincessNutella]Pregnancy is a leading cause of MURDER in the US I am ashamed to say. Don't let this happen to you in the UK.
news.yahoo.com/murder-leading-cause-death-pregnancy-214123386.html[/quote]
Try again. Put your reading glasses on this time.

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