Page 12 | DH got drunk and smashed things

LittleGwyneth · 09/12/2021 13:36

If he quits drinking and it never happens again I'd go one more chance. I wouldn't be planning to have children with him any time soon.

LittleGwyneth · 09/12/2021 13:37

So sorry OP, didn't see the update that you're pregnant so the comment about not having kids was very unhelpful, wasn't my intention at all.

repottingthescabious · 09/12/2021 13:37

@VioletG

Yes, first baby. I have heard this before, but I don't know. His anger wasn't directed at me, he didn't actually hurt me. I realise I sound pathetic, I'm just trying to process what happened.

I could go to my mums but she's over an hour away and I have hospital appointments I need to attend. If I asked him to leave he probably would. I think he will be utterly ashamed of himself. This really is out of character.

you don't need to leave. he does.

Suzanne999 · 09/12/2021 13:38

I’m glad he’s moving out for a few days, that will give you some quiet time to yourself.
Look back through his behaviour, has there ever been any hint of aggression even if it wasn’t followed through? Any sign of controlling behaviour —- it’s his way or no way.?
I was once engaged to a heavy drinker, he was a crying, sorry for himself drunk —- unless he hit the spirits. Then he became nasty. Needless to say he got his ring back, I walked away.
As you’re pregnant and can’t drink anyway you could draw up a mutual no drinking agreement to last the next year. If he can’t stick to it, you have a problem.
But one step at a time, record everything he’s done , tell someone if you feel you can and have a few days rest.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 09/12/2021 13:40

@saraclara

Again, when the DH woke, he was confused and he was trying to get OUT OF the house. He didn't attack OP in any way.

I have experience of witnessing delirium and night terror type disorders, and trying to escape is very very typical of them.

Frightening the OP further with such dramatic responses to her post is entirely unhelpful. She is doing the right thing by getting out of the way for the moment, but people leaping straight to domestic abuse and not considering what is the more likely cause, are being unreasonable. Neither can be discounted, but the behaviour sounds very much more related to delirium than abuse.

I agree with this. It sounds like it was linked to sleep rather than the drink. He came home in a perfectly fine mood and only changed after sleeping. He needs a doctor appointment. It could well have been triggered by the drink though and needs further investigation

Hlb278 · 09/12/2021 13:41

my god this isn't abuse, it was a drunken rage, he's a human, a man isn't an 'abuser' because he smashed some things up. why do mumsnetters love to label every man an abuser. he's your husband and you're clearly and quite rightly shaken up- so taking some time apart is good but perhaps he has some mental health issues exacerbated by alcohol and needs someone to talk to.

Newmumatlast · 09/12/2021 13:41

@VioletG

DH went out for dinner and drinks with a friend last night. He ended up drinking too much and was pretty drunk when he came home. This I didn't really mind because it's not a regular occurrence and I just helped him to bed/ got water etc. it wasn't too late.

However, about 10pm he woke up and started shouting, he was ranting drunkenly about something and trying to go outside. I had to lock the front door.
There was a glass in the sink which he tried to wash up - I told him to leave it and I'd do it, he should go back to bed. He launched the glass as hard as possible at the kitchen surface and it went everywhere. A piece narrowly missed my eye. He was so angry, seemingly for no reason.

He then pulled a picture off the wall in the spare bedroom and used it to smash up the TV. I was begging him to stop; there was glass everywhere again. The dog was so scared. So was I.

Eventually I managed to get him to go to bed. But what do I do now?
I'm in shock. This isn't like him at all, he's not a violent person.
Please help, I can't think straight.

May seem extreme but I'd leave him. This would absolutely terrify me and I wouldnt feel safe with them again knowing they were capable of this. Unless they went tea total which is the best decision for violent drunks. Not everyone reacts giggly and entertaining when drunk. If you discover there is even a chance you could turn this violent with drink, any responsible person would never get drunk again

Justmuddlingalong · 09/12/2021 13:44

I hope your DH is taking responsibility for working out what happened last night. He should be spending your time apart seeking help and actively dealing with the fallout. You are not responsible for what happened, any possible remedies or putting in work to salvage your marriage. I think if and how your DH takes responsibility now should either make or break your future.

DappyApple · 09/12/2021 13:45

@LittleGwyneth

If he quits drinking and it never happens again I'd go one more chance. I wouldn't be planning to have children with him any time soon.

Bit late for that op is pregnant!

gannett · 09/12/2021 13:48

I've drunk many different drinks and taken many different drugs. I've never, ever smashed things up.

Same. But drink and drugs affect different people in different ways. The red wine that makes me cheerfully tipsy makes a friend of mine morose and depressed. The whisky that makes me the life and soul of the afterparty made one friend turn very aggressive.

Always have to laugh when MN leaps to drugs as an explanation for this kind of behaviour. I have witnessed way more people "flip a switch" on booze (and indeed legal prescription stuff) than on any of the drugs I've been around (which is most things except heroin and crack).

The friend I mentioned who turned aggressive on whisky has never touched it since (seems to be the case for several PPs too). They're fine with any other alcohol.

I would say the fact that this was out of character, the OP's husband isn't a habitual drinker (and thus not used to it), and he's remorseful all indicate that it's that kind of specific reaction rather than an indicator that he's a secret abuser.

But he obviously needs to take similar steps to ensure it never happens again.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 09/12/2021 13:49

@Hlb278

my god this isn't abuse, it was a drunken rage, he's a human, a man isn't an 'abuser' because he smashed some things up. why do mumsnetters love to label every man an abuser. he's your husband and you're clearly and quite rightly shaken up- so taking some time apart is good but perhaps he has some mental health issues exacerbated by alcohol and needs someone to talk to.

A drunken rage is abuse.

He smashed a glass so close to his pregnant partner that it nearly cut her eye. He terrified their pet and destroyed their possessions. In the aftermath his partner is frightened to remain in her own home and is questioning whether this is going to happen again when their baby is born.

If that isn't fucking abuse what is? Drunken rages are abusive, be they intentional or not.

daisydaisy11 · 09/12/2021 13:51

He sounds horrible. Please get away from this awful violent man. He has shown what he is capable of and is a ticking time bomb until it happens again. I am so sorry for you and your poor dog. Please get yourselves to safety.

Rangoon · 09/12/2021 13:52

There is a a well known phenomenon of men becoming violent for the first time when their partner gets pregnant for the first time. The OP is pregnant for the first time.

Why is everybody going on about his drink being spiked when even the OP says it was dinner with a friend and drinks in a quiet bar next door? His friend is unlikely to have spiked his drink. Why or how could anybody spike his drink in the circumstances the OP describes?

Then there are people who say that he might have sleepwalking! Or not awake! I find it odd that suddenly with no prior episodes he is sleepwalking. My father did sleepwalk and the worst he did was try to telephone the local council.

The simplest and most likely thing is that this is the start of domestic violence. The world is full of women who thought they had lovely non-violent husbands or partners - sometimes for years - and then discovering when they are pregnant that they are married to some kind of monster.

I hope I am wrong but I am astonished at the apologists for this man's drunken and terrifying behaviour. I understand why OP is not leaving but I think she should keep a grab bag - essential documents, money, credit card, spare car keys, maybe a cheap phone plus a charger pack, and any necessary medication.

hotmeatymilk · 09/12/2021 13:53

my god this isn't abuse, it was a drunken rage, he's a human, a man isn't an 'abuser' because he smashed some things up.
Abusers are human. They’re not other, they’re not monsters. They’re ordinary people who do terrible things, and they get away with it because they are ordinary and people outside their abuse see them as human.

Do I think OP’s DH is an abuser? On the evidence it could go either way: the waking up and trying to get outside does suggest something more going on than an abuser’s drunken rage. But in general, yes, I’m comfortable saying a man smashing things up is abusive.

Plopcorn · 09/12/2021 13:53

if he did this with a baby in the house I would run and not look back.

There already is a baby in the house though, inside you. Didn’t stop him nearly hitting you with the glass.

motheroftwoboys · 09/12/2021 13:54

I wonder how many of you have actual experience of this sort of thing. I have. My DH husband went through an awful awful time some years ago and we suffered the whole gamut of experiences including police involvement and temporary separation. We got through it. he is now a recovering alcoholic of 15 years standing and works in mental health services. We have been married for 32 years and I am very proud of him. It would have been much easier to leave him but I am so happy I did not. Leaving someone is not always the answer. Specially if you love them.

Jinglebellsbatmansmellsss · 09/12/2021 13:55

Why do some men show their violence for the first time during pregnancy? Please can someone explain, is it stress?

Rangoon · 09/12/2021 13:58

I am sorry but true love is not putting up with years of alcoholic abuse with police involvement. I'm glad that things worked out for motheroftwoboys but I wouldn't have stayed.

FatCatThinCat · 09/12/2021 13:58

@VioletG

He called me. He was really apologetic and embarrassed. Says he can't remember a thing, total blackout.

Of course he says he can't remember. It's the 'get out of jail free' card for violent drunks the world over. He remembers!

nitsandwormsdodger · 09/12/2021 13:59

Did you tell the midwife ? And your mum ?
Do not clean up
He could have blinded you and did not care
He needs to leave

newnamefor2021 · 09/12/2021 14:00

@motheroftwoboys

I wonder how many of you have actual experience of this sort of thing. I have. My DH husband went through an awful awful time some years ago and we suffered the whole gamut of experiences including police involvement and temporary separation. We got through it. he is now a recovering alcoholic of 15 years standing and works in mental health services. We have been married for 32 years and I am very proud of him. It would have been much easier to leave him but I am so happy I did not. Leaving someone is not always the answer. Specially if you love them.

I don't the majority are saying divorce him instantly. She's been advised to get out and leave the house and she's been advised to tell someone. That's not giving up on him, she she has to protect herself and baby first and make sure they are both safe (and dog). Then, depending on him, she plan make plans and if needed support him, moving forward. But she needs to prioritise herself first.

beastlyslumber · 09/12/2021 14:00

I'm glad to hear he's moving out for a couple of days to give you some space.

Please tell someone in real life what's happened. Your mum, your sister, close friends, the midwife. Don't keep it a secret.

You've been through a traumatic experience and you cannot recover in secret.

I appreciate that lots of people telling you to leave him is not helpful right now. But it's because they have "been there, done that, got the t-shirt" and want to save you the pain and damage that they went through. No one here knows your situation, but many see familiar signs and patterns based on what you've shared.

The best thing you can do right now is exactly what you're doing: take some space to think. Tell everyone you trust what has happened. There's no need to rush into any decisions.

FatCatThinCat · 09/12/2021 14:01

@Jinglebellsbatmansmellsss

Why do some men show their violence for the first time during pregnancy? Please can someone explain, is it stress?

Because she's pregnant now so they own her, no need to keep the nice mask on, she's not going anywhere. Coupled with inability to deal with not being the centre of attention anymore.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 09/12/2021 14:02

@Jinglebellsbatmansmellsss

Why do some men show their violence for the first time during pregnancy? Please can someone explain, is it stress?

Being pregnant is the most vulnerable position you will ever be in. You are often isolated from your usual support network - earlier nights, not going out as frequently, saving money, hormones, illness etc and you are as dependent on your partner as you will ever be.

You are now having a baby with this man, you're connected to him for life, you're about to become a unit and you will do anything to preserve that bond. Not just for your sake but for the child.

He can deny very basic things, help with housework, financial support, emotional comfort. He can very easily manipulate you, call you fat, wear down your self esteem, gaslight you etc.

He can also test to see how far you will bend. He may slam doors, throw/break things, punch walls etc. You'll put up with more a lot of the time because you want to be a family for the baby. You're also less likely to tattle because you don't want family and friends thinking badly of the father of your child or thinking that you've not got everything under control.

Pregnancy makes you vulnerable and abusers thrive off that vulnerability. You have their entire relationship to explain away the behaviour by keep thinking 'he's just going through a phase', 'he's stressed', 'he's worried about the baby' etc.

PlanktonsComputerWife · 09/12/2021 14:02

@Jinglebellsbatmansmellsss

Why do some men show their violence for the first time during pregnancy? Please can someone explain, is it stress?

It's thinking she's trapped and won't be able to leave. She'll stay "for the baby."

It's also often resentment of the baby. Many men don't feel a thing for the baby until she arrives, and some not even then.