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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think father should pay csa even if he doesn't want the baby

365 replies

Bear45 · 08/12/2021 18:03

As title says!
He wanted me to have an abortion and I've not heard off him for 3 weeks now. I'm 13 weeks, obviously it's a way off but just wondering what peoples opinions are

OP posts:
MrzClaus · 08/12/2021 18:27

Consent to sex does not equal consent to pregnancy. It's not the same thing.

That should be equal for both parties - the man and the woman. I believe that if we say a woman shouldn't be pressured into keeping a baby a man wants but she doesn't, the reverse should also be the same. If a man has absolutely zero say and it's all up to the woman, and he has no choice in the matter then I don't think it's fair to make them pay.

OutOfCyan · 08/12/2021 18:27

@MissCruellaDeVil Surely a father who doesn't want to pay would just refuse to go on the birth certificate?!

AliasGrape · 08/12/2021 18:27

@Rabblesthecat

I’ve never met any woman for whom pregnancy would be intolerable who got accidentally knocked up. Always been those who are well hey it’s an accident so I’ll get him to pay.
Then you have led a very sheltered life.

Many many women who would find pregnancy 'intolerable' get pregnant- the vast majority of them will terminate. But I can think of lots of reasons just off the top of my head why they might not.

But also, we're not talking about women who would find a pregnancy intolerable here. We're talking about a man who apparently finds it so - pretty sure theres some foolproof or near enough foolproof ways of ensuring he doesn't get anyone pregnant. Maybe instead of casting aspersions about how the woman in question must have been out to trap him for whatever paltry amount the CSA can force him to pay, you should wonder why someone so against becoming a parent didn't take those steps.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/12/2021 18:27

Yes, he should pay.

Men can demand equal rights towards this when women have equal rights. That's that.

NynaeveSedai · 08/12/2021 18:27

@thatstheloveiwantiwantlove

If the mother names him on the birth certificate then yes he should pay. If she doesn't then no he shouldn't.
Women can't put men on the birth certificate against their wishes so this doesn't work. Onus is on putative father to prove he isn't, not the other way around.
EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 08/12/2021 18:27

What steps were you both taking to ensure you didn’t get pregnant @Bear45

AliasGrape · 08/12/2021 18:28

@PeterPomegranate

Being a pregnant woman and being the father of an unborn baby are NOT the same thing. AT ALL. If you’re pregnant the baby is in your body. Therefore the pregnant women’s choice and no one else’s. That’s it.

If you’re a parent of a child whether you are a father or a mother then you have financial responsibility for that child. That’s a responsibility to the CHILD. Your child.

Both of the points above can be true.

Absolutely this.
NynaeveSedai · 08/12/2021 18:28

So maybe it’s fair this way too - it’s the equivalent thing really.

U fuckin wot??

Forcing women to terminate pregnancies is not equivalent to allowing men to opt out of paying child support! There is no equivalence fgs. Only one sex gets pregnant.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/12/2021 18:28

[quote OutOfCyan]@MissCruellaDeVil Surely a father who doesn't want to pay would just refuse to go on the birth certificate?! [/quote]
Not being on the birth certificate doesn't mean they don't have to pay.

MissCruellaDeVil · 08/12/2021 18:28

[quote OutOfCyan]@MissCruellaDeVil Surely a father who doesn't want to pay would just refuse to go on the birth certificate?! [/quote]
Which would relinquish parental responsibility. So yes.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 08/12/2021 18:29

No consent to sex doesn’t equal consent to pregnancy. Just leads to it as a direct result Hmm

NynaeveSedai · 08/12/2021 18:29

@User135792468

I don’t agree. A woman also had sex.. does that mean that the man should be able to force her to have the baby against her will, take the baby at birth and then claim maintenance? Of course not, the concept is abhorrent.

It’s hard but if a woman chooses to have a baby and the man makes clear he doesn’t want the baby when pregnant, he should be able to revoke parents responsibility and she should make the decision based on being able to afford to raise the child herself.

Women have options that men don't have. That's a fact of biology. There is no parity in decision making over whether pregnancy continues or not, and there should not be.
reesewithoutaspoon · 08/12/2021 18:29

Its not about whether its fair he should pay if he didnt want it. The child is still here and still has the same needs for food, clothes, housing as every other child and its their parents responsibility to provide this. Not wanting them doesnt automatically reduce that need to 50%.

OutOfCyan · 08/12/2021 18:30

@Waxonwaxoff0 but that is what was being suggested

getsanta · 08/12/2021 18:30

I'm an ardent feminist but I do think if the sperm donor wants nothing to do with the child there should be some mechanism within the abortion window where they can relinquish parental responsibility and have no financial obligations.

You are no feminist. Unreal.

NynaeveSedai · 08/12/2021 18:30

@MissCruellaDeVil

IMO only fathers with parental responsibility should pay, ie on the birth certificate. If not then they don't have parental responsibility for their child, why should they pay?
Women can't put a man on the birth certificate without his consent. All he would have to do in your scenario is refuse to go on it. Hmm
fallfallfall · 08/12/2021 18:30

if you don't want a baby then don't have sex. yes they should pay.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/12/2021 18:31

[quote OutOfCyan]@Waxonwaxoff0 but that is what was being suggested [/quote]
Yes sorry, I misread!

grapewine · 08/12/2021 18:31

@FabianK

I’ve always thought men should be able to opt out of parental responsibility including csa payments up to a certain time.

Women can make a choice and men should be able to also.

That is more than fair.

Agree.
NynaeveSedai · 08/12/2021 18:31

@MrzClaus

Consent to sex does not equal consent to pregnancy. It's not the same thing.

That should be equal for both parties - the man and the woman. I believe that if we say a woman shouldn't be pressured into keeping a baby a man wants but she doesn't, the reverse should also be the same. If a man has absolutely zero say and it's all up to the woman, and he has no choice in the matter then I don't think it's fair to make them pay.

Yeah it literally does though When he puts his penis inside a woman's vagina and ejaculates his semen he is consenting to pregnancy.
Theunamedcat · 08/12/2021 18:32

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

I'm an ardent feminist but I do think if the sperm donor wants nothing to do with the child there should be some mechanism within the abortion window where they can relinquish parental responsibility and have no financial obligations. The woman can then proceed with the pregnancy knowing this, or at that point have an abortion. I think there are women who would prefer this as well, knowing they have no contact obligations in the future.
Nope this should be a conversation to be had before sex occurred because with pregnancy comes responsibility I've known women go through pregnancy not because they wanted a child but because they did not want to terminate or they didn't think they could live with themselves if they DID terminate
Georgeskitchen · 08/12/2021 18:33

Creating a new life takes a woman and a man. If either party is adamant they don't want parenthood they need to take measures to prevent this happening. This is the 21st century not the 1950s!!

getsanta · 08/12/2021 18:33

So some posters are saying that if a woman chooses not to have an abortion, the father can absolve himself of all responsibility forever? Do you understand the repercussions of this?!? Who will pick up the slack when the single mother needs money to raise the child ? This is ridiculous.

Theunamedcat · 08/12/2021 18:33

Sperm donation is done by consent prior to pregnancy happening not after

NynaeveSedai · 08/12/2021 18:34

Why do women advocate for men being able to spunk at will then relinquish responsibility for babies they create? I literally cannot understand why any women would advocate for something so wholely bad for women and children and society in general, where the only benefit is allowing men to have risk free sex with whoever they want. What on Earth?