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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think father should pay csa even if he doesn't want the baby

365 replies

Bear45 · 08/12/2021 18:03

As title says!
He wanted me to have an abortion and I've not heard off him for 3 weeks now. I'm 13 weeks, obviously it's a way off but just wondering what peoples opinions are

OP posts:
Comedycook · 08/12/2021 18:20

Yes he should.

The money is to go towards the cost of a child. How the child comes to exist is irrelevant...if they exist, they need to be financially supported. Child maintenance isn't a punishment for the man or a reward for the mother.

thatstheloveiwantiwantlove · 08/12/2021 18:20

@Rabblesthecat

I go against the grain - no they should not.

Everyone (including the mother) has a choice up to 22 weeks. It may be a choice you don’t want to make but you are still making a choice the other way to keep it.

No baby conceived has to be born so I don’t see why they should have to pay if they have no say in its existence.

I actually agree with this

I don't think they should have to pay and especially not where the mother deliberately refuses to leave the fathers name off the birth certificate. It's fine to want to go it alone and not share parental responsibility at the end of it but then don't expect him to pay financially for a child you won't even legally acknowledge as the father

getsanta · 08/12/2021 18:21

Unless the condom he was wearing and the hormonal contraception he was using failed, then he should face the consequences of his choices.

Nope. Still needs to pay.

OutOfCyan · 08/12/2021 18:21

There's absolutely no way that the originally set up was the best. The (typically) man could just stop paying leaving the woman with no money.

FabianK · 08/12/2021 18:21

I’ve always thought men should be able to opt out of parental responsibility including csa payments up to a certain time.

Women can make a choice and men should be able to also.

That is more than fair.

Comedycook · 08/12/2021 18:21

So how would it work then...a man would just be able to declare he never wanted the child in the first place?

freezingtoes12 · 08/12/2021 18:21

If a man is upfront that he doesn't want a child, do not have penetrative sex. By having sex with a female he immediately accepts the possibility that conception can happen. Therefore, he needs to accept the consequences that come with it.

It should not be more of a woman's burden that because she does not want to have an abortion after the man fertilised her egg (she didn't do it alone!) that all financial implications are on her.

YungWaffle · 08/12/2021 18:22

I don't think the government should be able to force people into surgical procedures and I don't think I should be forced to pay for men to sow their oats with gay abandon when they are able to pay themselves.
For all those who think men should be able to financially abandon their children, who do you think will be making up the shortfall?

reesewithoutaspoon · 08/12/2021 18:22

Whenever you have sex there is a risk of pregnancy, everyone knows this. contraception isn't 100% effective.
If a man really really doesn't want children then get a vasectomy. otherwise accept the risk.
Yes he should pay even if he doesn't want it, because the child doesn't magically disappear or only need 50% of the food or housing once its here just because he didn't want it.

getsanta · 08/12/2021 18:22

@FabianK

I’ve always thought men should be able to opt out of parental responsibility including csa payments up to a certain time.

Women can make a choice and men should be able to also.

That is more than fair.

So then who pays? The tax payer?
thatstheloveiwantiwantlove · 08/12/2021 18:23

If the mother names him on the birth certificate then yes he should pay. If she doesn't then no he shouldn't.

getsanta · 08/12/2021 18:23

I can't believe some of these comments.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 08/12/2021 18:23

Men can make the choice though. They can not have sex with women if they’re not willing to accept the consequences.

WhatWhenWhoWhy · 08/12/2021 18:23

The focus should be on the child, which deserves the support of both parents.

Therefore yes, the man should pay for the financial upkeep of the child, just as the woman does.

corlan · 08/12/2021 18:24

Of course the father should support the child even if he didn't want it.
Unfortunately the CMS in this country runs in such a way that men are frequently able to avoid supporting their offspring. I often wonder how we allow this as a civilised country and then I read opinions held by some of the posters on this thread and I wonder no more!

OutOfCyan · 08/12/2021 18:24

@thatstheloveiwantiwantlove Wouldn't that just mean that men would refuse to go on the birth certificate then? That wouldn't work

PicaK · 08/12/2021 18:24

Yes. There's no grey areas here.
That said pop over to the separated section and see just how many dads don't pay up.
Plus its not that much. Even my fairly lovely ex whacked as much into his pension as he could to avoid handing over more.
Demand what is your baby's right. But make sure you give their rights too - access to their dad if desired in the future. etc.
I adopted. In the training you're told to be very honest and mention birth parents all the time (age appropriately but honestly) so no chance of Cinderella syndrome and crushing disappointment in the teenage years

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 08/12/2021 18:24

Or as a pp said get a vasectomy - it’s amazing this never seems to be considered for all those men that “never wanted” a kid or were “trapped” by a woman.

NynaeveSedai · 08/12/2021 18:24

@Rabblesthecat

I go against the grain - no they should not.

Everyone (including the mother) has a choice up to 22 weeks. It may be a choice you don’t want to make but you are still making a choice the other way to keep it.

No baby conceived has to be born so I don’t see why they should have to pay if they have no say in its existence.

The point where he spunked in the vicinity of a uterus was when he gave consent to a pregnancy happening.
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 08/12/2021 18:25

I'm an ardent feminist but I do think if the sperm donor wants nothing to do with the child there should be some mechanism within the abortion window where they can relinquish parental responsibility and have no financial obligations. The woman can then proceed with the pregnancy knowing this, or at that point have an abortion. I think there are women who would prefer this as well, knowing they have no contact obligations in the future.

NynaeveSedai · 08/12/2021 18:25

@Thegreencup

Unless the condom he was wearing and the hormonal contraception he was using failed, then he should face the consequences of his choices.
He should still pay even if he used contraception.
NynaeveSedai · 08/12/2021 18:25

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

I'm an ardent feminist but I do think if the sperm donor wants nothing to do with the child there should be some mechanism within the abortion window where they can relinquish parental responsibility and have no financial obligations. The woman can then proceed with the pregnancy knowing this, or at that point have an abortion. I think there are women who would prefer this as well, knowing they have no contact obligations in the future.
Why??
User135792468 · 08/12/2021 18:26

I don’t agree. A woman also had sex.. does that mean that the man should be able to force her to have the baby against her will, take the baby at birth and then claim maintenance? Of course not, the concept is abhorrent.

It’s hard but if a woman chooses to have a baby and the man makes clear he doesn’t want the baby when pregnant, he should be able to revoke parents responsibility and she should make the decision based on being able to afford to raise the child herself.

MissCruellaDeVil · 08/12/2021 18:26

IMO only fathers with parental responsibility should pay, ie on the birth certificate. If not then they don't have parental responsibility for their child, why should they pay?

PeterPomegranate · 08/12/2021 18:26

Being a pregnant woman and being the father of an unborn baby are NOT the same thing. AT ALL. If you’re pregnant the baby is in your body. Therefore the pregnant women’s choice and no one else’s. That’s it.

If you’re a parent of a child whether you are a father or a mother then you have financial responsibility for that child. That’s a responsibility to the CHILD. Your child.

Both of the points above can be true.