Page 12 | To think father should pay csa even if he doesn't want the baby

Bear45 · 2021-12-08T18:03:03+00:00

As title says! He wanted me to have an abortion and I've not heard off him for 3 weeks now. I'm 13 weeks, obviously it's a way off but just wondering what peoples opinions are

Viviennemary · 09/12/2021 12:20

Every single person having sex needs to take responsibility for contraceptives. Yes there will be people who in spite of careful contraception do get pregnant. But the number of people I found myself pregnant hit the panic button. Oh it was only the once or twice It only takes once. Sigh.

neednotknow · 09/12/2021 12:24

@Sowhatifiam

It's only weird because we don't do it. Honestly, I think society would be in a better place if people were forced to put more thought and care into procreation. The burden goes far further than benefits

Are you suggesting the children of single parents are a 'burden'? On society, I presume? Do you know how offensive that is?

I feel like you were talking about the emotional burden of psychologically growing a baby into an adult and I agree.

I feel like if you don't want a child use protection, on both sides.

I'm a lone parent but our child was planned and wanted by both so we have 50/50 custody and pay equally.

If you get pregnant without having this conversation, how can you blame anyone else but yourself?

FoxgloveSummers · 09/12/2021 12:24

Maybe women shouldn't have sex unless they are happy to have an abortion in the event of unexpected pregnancy? Equally as ridiculous as all the people going on about men not having sex unless they are prepared to support a child.

I think many (esp young) women do have sex on the understanding that if their contraception fails they will (choose to) have an abortion. Hardly a radical concept. It's one we live with every day.

But say they didn't really want a baby but couldn't access the abortion and the father was keen - I don't think they should be able to walk away from their share of supporting that child, even if they hand the baby to the father at birth. People on this thread are saying that that would be fine. (Or at least is when men do it)

So many people seem to think men should just never have to think about the possible consequences of sex. Women should sort it all out for them. Many times I've had men try to argue for not using a condom - I always express surprise that they're ready to commit to a baby. It does have them rushing to find something to put on it!

logsonlogsoff · 09/12/2021 13:07

Yup! Mate’s son got a girl pregnant after a fling and she kept baby. Now the girl is the worst in the world, a money grubbing little whatever who just wants to destroy the sons life apparently.
So he’s happily sloped off to college while the girl is at her mums with a baby and not a penny from him.

logsonlogsoff · 09/12/2021 13:08

You should get money from him, you have both created this child.

Madabootcats · 09/12/2021 13:16

Of course. Don't want a baby abstain or get sterilised. Thankfully the law is on your side OP. He'll have to pay for the next 18 years regardless of whether he wants to.

YungWaffle · 09/12/2021 13:40

Are you suggesting the children of single parents are a 'burden'? On society, I presume? Do you know how offensive that is?

I'm saying that the children of single parents are overrepresented in both poverty and crime statistics and that those stats are correlated. I'm saying that at the very least, having two parent compelled to provide financial aid will reduce those numbers somewhat.
I don't find this particularly offensive as a child of a single mother, a half-sibling to many children of single mothers and the product of an estate where around half my friends were from single parent families.

YungWaffle · 09/12/2021 13:49

@neednotknow

That's definitely part of what I meant. My mother was raising 3 children (from different fathers) alone at one point. Working on top of that.
I remember realising at a child that sometimes when she would come back from work and bear us, it was more about stress of her circumstances than anything we'd done. As an adult I sort of get it but the ramifications on my siblings and even any nieces and nephews are pretty clear.
Some people will manage this situation fantastics, I have no doubt, but the stats are what they are.

KarmaStar · 09/12/2021 13:52

We don't know all the circumstances,or the woman could have told him she was on the pill because she wanted a baby and now intends to keep said baby and feels entitled to being supported by a man who had no choice in the matter
Or could be he just changed his mind once the feed was done.
So impossible to give you an accurate answer.

JingleJingleAllTheWay · 09/12/2021 13:53

@peboh

I do not agree. I think if a man makes it clear straight away in pregnancy that he doesn't want a child then he should be able to revoke parental responsibility. The same as if a woman was to not want a child, but the father did, she would be able to make the choice for both of them.

I agree with this.

SickAndTiredAgain · 09/12/2021 13:55

@Rabblesthecat

I go against the grain - no they should not.

Everyone (including the mother) has a choice up to 22 weeks. It may be a choice you don’t want to make but you are still making a choice the other way to keep it.

No baby conceived has to be born so I don’t see why they should have to pay if they have no say in its existence.

I would agree with this except it’s the child who loses out. And none of it is the child’s fault. They shouldn’t be penalised.

FoxgloveSummers · 09/12/2021 14:00

people on here are mad

Say both of a couple expect contraception to work and neither wants a baby. Contraception fails and they conceive a child.

According to some on here the path should then go:

couple consider options
father just says he's abdicating responsibility, strolls off whistling into sunset
woman either has to book and undergo medical procedure or bear and bring up a child with no financial contribution, all by herself

the only way this line of thinking makes sense to me is if essentially you hate women who have sex outside of marriage and think they deserve punishment for their transgressions, and so do their kids.

Having an abortion is a THING, it's not like we can just press undo on our bodies. Not wanting to undergo that doesn't mean you have "chosen to get pregnant", it means you aren't willing to end the pregnancy you both began.

upaladderagain · 09/12/2021 14:26

Any man who puts a naked penis in a vagina should know the consequences and therefore, like it or not, pay the price. I presume you didn't tie him down and ride him against his will??

Ghostsintheshelf · 09/12/2021 14:33

@FoxgloveSummers

people on here are mad

Say both of a couple expect contraception to work and neither wants a baby. Contraception fails and they conceive a child.

According to some on here the path should then go:

couple consider options
father just says he's abdicating responsibility, strolls off whistling into sunset
woman either has to book and undergo medical procedure or bear and bring up a child with no financial contribution, all by herself

the only way this line of thinking makes sense to me is if essentially you hate women who have sex outside of marriage and think they deserve punishment for their transgressions, and so do their kids.

Having an abortion is a THING, it's not like we can just press undo on our bodies. Not wanting to undergo that doesn't mean you have "chosen to get pregnant", it means you aren't willing to end the pregnancy you both began.

Yes, thank God the law disagrees even if it isn't very forceful about going after fathers that don't pay. And to add, there is more to sex than PIV. If you're male and don't like the fact that if you impregnate a woman, she isn't obliged to abort and might well want financial support for the child, maybe limit yourself to the parts of sex that don't involve the chance of sperm meeting an egg.

Anyway to get back on topic, congratulations on your pregnancy, OP. I hope it all goes well for you both.

NorthSouthcatlady · 09/12/2021 14:37

Love it when women “need” to have painful and invasive procedures for men’s convenience! That’s before even the emotional fall out from abortions

ohdelay · 09/12/2021 14:53

@NorthSouthcatlady

Love it when women “need” to have painful and invasive procedures for men’s convenience! That’s before even the emotional fall out from abortions

Have the abortion or 18 years coparenting and trying to squeeze pennies from someone you now hate and who hates you. Aim higher, it will ruin the OPs life too. He's not a prize, choose a better father for your future kids.

MorningStarling · 09/12/2021 15:01

Legally he will have to pay child support whether he likes it or not. The amount can range from a few pounds per week to a great deal, it all depends on his income and how many other children he has.

Given that the choice to have an abortion or not is solely the potential mother's to make (the father can pressurise her of course, but legally it's the mother's decision), perhaps it would be a good idea before starting a sexual relationship to make a contract to confirm whether the father will be expected to pay support if an unwanted baby occurs? Similar to a pre-marital contract about who gets what when the marriage fails. That way, the mother can protect herself by only sleeping with men who agree to pay child support regardless of whether they want her to keep the baby.

PleasantBirthday · 09/12/2021 15:40

perhaps it would be a good idea before starting a sexual relationship to make a contract to confirm whether the father will be expected to pay support if an unwanted baby occurs?

Yeah, I think there will be plenty of men signing an unenforceable contract because you won't get many takers if you don't. Of course, many would say that actually going through with sex is a defacto contract of that nature given how the law applies.

BigFatLiar · 09/12/2021 15:45

Most contraception isn't 100%
Abortion is a woman's choice
If a man doesn't want to risk a baby he simply shouldn't have sexusl intercourse (not sure how many would maintain a relationship where their partner didn't want sex).
Any man having sex needs to realise that it may be one night but could be eighteen years.

SethWho · 09/12/2021 15:51

Lots of people here seem to think having am abortion is the equivalent to having a tooth removed.

BigFatLiar · 09/12/2021 15:56

@SethWho

Lots of people here seem to think having am abortion is the equivalent to having a tooth removed.

It's one of those things that's different for different people. For some it's a gut wrenching decision for others it's like you say no worse than a visit to the dentist.

We're all different on how we see things. Some see sex as a fun pastime, some see it as a loving act between committed couples.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 09/12/2021 16:22

@Rabblesthecat

I go against the grain - no they should not.

Everyone (including the mother) has a choice up to 22 weeks. It may be a choice you don’t want to make but you are still making a choice the other way to keep it.

No baby conceived has to be born so I don’t see why they should have to pay if they have no say in its existence.

Men's 'say' is earlier: they take their chances when choose to have sex, knowing a baby might result from the encounter.

Whether or not to continue with the pregnancy is ultimately the mother's choice because it is her body. Yes, the man has to accept the decision, whether he agrees with it or not. Again, he chose to partake of sex knowing the possible outcome.

Babies deserve and need the support of both parents. They come first, not the man who doesn't want totake responsibility for his own flesh and blood.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 09/12/2021 16:24

I'm disgusted with posters putting men's wants before children's welfare. Absolutely disgusted.

PleasantBirthday · 09/12/2021 16:27

@ChiefStockingStuffer

I'm disgusted with posters putting men's wants before children's welfare. Absolutely disgusted.

But not surprised, nobody is surprised.

lockdownalli · 09/12/2021 16:29

You should definitely seek maintenance for your child.

NO method of contraception is 100% effective. I made sure both my DD and DS knew that fact. Anyone who has consensual sex has no business complaining about a resultant pregnancy, even if one party has lied about contraception.

You don't know what is around the corner OP - so take steps to ensure a contribution is made. There may come a time when you/DC really need it.

Congratulations and good luck