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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should I go Christmas dinner or not

170 replies

blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 20:03

For the past three years I’ve gone to my in-laws for Christmas and I’m always the one cooking . My partner helps but I would say I do about 60%-70% of the cooking. On top of that usually the day before I would go out and buy all the food and prep everything and then we travel to my in laws on Christmas morning . Every Christmas is a very stressful day for me . I feel like a chef and a house keeper whilst everyone is sitting down saying they are hungry and waiting for their food . This happened last year and dinner was late because I was exhausted, also had a breastfeeding baby so I had to stop a few times during cooking. Anyways I told my partner I’m not going there this year for Christmas . I would stay at home . I cant go to my family because they are strict Christians who don’t celebrate Christmas . My partner thinks I’m exaggerating as it’s only one day so it shouldn’t be an issue. But i don’t see why we need to be the only ones doing anything . The responsibility should be shared. Staying at home with my baby and making a meal for just me and my baby, and spending the day watching movies and relaxing sounds better . What does everyone think ? Should I go regardless or stay at home

OP posts:
Offmyfence · 07/12/2021 20:04

Are you in the UK?

SunshineLane · 07/12/2021 20:04

Your plan sounds amazing! Life is a lot less stressful when you put yourself first.

Chrysanthemum5 · 07/12/2021 20:04

Definitely don't go! I can't believe they were ok with you doing all that when you had a young baby!

If it's just one day then your husband can do it all on his own without any help and you stay at home

Original poster
blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 20:06

@Offmyfence yes I’m in the uk

OP posts:
Original poster
blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 20:06

@SunshineLane yes I agree Smile

OP posts:
3luckystars · 07/12/2021 20:07

Of course you should stay at home and enjoy your Christmas with your baby.

Original poster
blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 20:08

@Chrysanthemum5 yes . They did spend time with my baby whilst I cooked . But It was still too stressful. And I would have prepared to spend time with my baby than be busy all day

OP posts:
Offmyfence · 07/12/2021 20:08

Well then you had your excuse last year to not go! We were in lockdown.

No, I wouldn't go.

WhenSepEnds · 07/12/2021 20:08

@blueberrybabe

For the past three years I’ve gone to my in-laws for Christmas and I’m always the one cooking . My partner helps but I would say I do about 60%-70% of the cooking. On top of that usually the day before I would go out and buy all the food and prep everything and then we travel to my in laws on Christmas morning . Every Christmas is a very stressful day for me . I feel like a chef and a house keeper whilst everyone is sitting down saying they are hungry and waiting for their food . This happened last year and dinner was late because I was exhausted, also had a breastfeeding baby so I had to stop a few times during cooking. Anyways I told my partner I’m not going there this year for Christmas . I would stay at home . I cant go to my family because they are strict Christians who don’t celebrate Christmas . My partner thinks I’m exaggerating as it’s only one day so it shouldn’t be an issue. But i don’t see why we need to be the only ones doing anything . The responsibility should be shared. Staying at home with my baby and making a meal for just me and my baby, and spending the day watching movies and relaxing sounds better . What does everyone think ? Should I go regardless or stay at home
Stay at home, let them see how much you do once it's not being done for them and then expect an apology for them being selfish tw*ts. Have a day on with baby
3luckystars · 07/12/2021 20:09

I wouldn’t even go to EAT the dinner at their house, not to mind cook it.
What did they do before you came along?

It’s your day too, you are meant to enjoy it. Stay home and enjoy your Christmas.

WonderHen · 07/12/2021 20:09

Eh? Why on earth were the ILs not cooking?

Or DH?

EdgeOfTheSky · 07/12/2021 20:11

Blimey!

Are there any other competent adults?

Go but say you will only be responsible for certain elements and that other parts of the meal are delegated?

Set an example for years to come?

Your DH really needs to step up.

Get him to send a list to his family of what to bring / prepare.

User156 · 07/12/2021 20:12

You poor thing, sounds like you’ve been totally taken advantage of. Definitely stay at home and look after yourself and your baby, sounds much nicer!

nocnoc · 07/12/2021 20:12

Stay. At. Home. No brainer. If they want to see you they come to you and they cook

WorraLiberty · 07/12/2021 20:14

I think I'd be spending many Christmases without your selfish husband and his parents, if I were you.

Kite22 · 07/12/2021 20:14

Why are you cooking at their house ? Confused
I am not sure why you were doing the cooking at all, with a tiny breast fed baby, but if you were, surely it is easier at your own house ?

Why don't they cook for you ?

I cant go to my family because they are strict Christians who don’t celebrate Christmas

This is confusing. I mean a Christian is a follower of Christ. The word Christmas is literally 'celebration of Christ'.

Anyway, YANBU AT ALL to refuse to cook for them.
I am generally all for partners taking turns to go to their partner's family, even if it isn't where they would prefer to be... it sort of comes with the territory of you as a couple being part of two families But I would expect anyone who invited me to their house to cook for me unless there are exceptional circumstances you haven't told us about

FlorenceWintle · 07/12/2021 20:16

Tell the truth!

‘I don’t want to cook this year, it’s too much work’

Absolutely nothing they can say in response to that, that you can’t counter with ‘You do it then’

Startrooper · 07/12/2021 20:16

Why on earth are you doing everything while they do nothing? And you had a baby last Christmas too?! Wtf. They have massively taken advantage of you which is awful.

Either you go but draw up a schedule in advance of what each person is to buy and prepare on the day, and include cleaning up duties, or you stay home and enjoy Christmas with your DC. Please grow a backbone over this as this is your day too!

SirensofTitan · 07/12/2021 20:16

You don't need us to decide for you, you need to explain to your husband why you don't want to go and stick to your guns

ANameChangeAgain · 07/12/2021 20:18

Are pil infirm?
I would mysteriously develop a temperature and cough on Christmas Eve, let dh jog on over there and have a lovely day to yourself with your baby with TV and chocolate. Xmas Wink

careerchangeperhaps · 07/12/2021 20:18

@Offmyfence

Well then you had your excuse last year to not go! We were in lockdown.

No, I wouldn't go.

I think people with young babies (under 12 months) could form a bubble with another household.
Lalliella · 07/12/2021 20:23

Why on earth are you doing all the shopping and cooking? Fuck that! Definitely stay at home.

Witchinthedales · 07/12/2021 20:27

I wouldn't dream of inviting my son and his girlfriend then making her do the cooking, especially if she's nursing a tiny baby, that's totally out of order. I would say please yourself this year and do whatever makes you happy, your husband should not have allowed what happened last year to happen either so bugger him, you enjoy yourself 💐

pictish · 07/12/2021 20:27

Stay at home, clearly.

willstarttomorrow · 07/12/2021 20:33

I grew up in a religious family where Christmas was important and a nice day but not the levels of expectation that family's seem to place on one day according to all the threads on mumsnet! I am guessing your family are JW. It is your Christmas too, I am not sure if you grew up with family xmas traditions but I am guessing not.

Of course you should not be slaving away to 'create Christmas', how has this even become a thing? If it has no religious importance then it is a festive few days during which people can spend time together. Considering all the angst on mumsnet threads everyone should just stay home with a small chicken and do their own thing. Make your own traditions with the people who matter. The 'getting together the extended family' seems to create so many issues in families where this is not the norm over the year. Why the hell do people attempt a huge family meal knowing that something will kick off/some one is an alcoholic/or they all just bloody hate each other?