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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should I go Christmas dinner or not

170 replies

blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 20:03

For the past three years I’ve gone to my in-laws for Christmas and I’m always the one cooking . My partner helps but I would say I do about 60%-70% of the cooking. On top of that usually the day before I would go out and buy all the food and prep everything and then we travel to my in laws on Christmas morning . Every Christmas is a very stressful day for me . I feel like a chef and a house keeper whilst everyone is sitting down saying they are hungry and waiting for their food . This happened last year and dinner was late because I was exhausted, also had a breastfeeding baby so I had to stop a few times during cooking. Anyways I told my partner I’m not going there this year for Christmas . I would stay at home . I cant go to my family because they are strict Christians who don’t celebrate Christmas . My partner thinks I’m exaggerating as it’s only one day so it shouldn’t be an issue. But i don’t see why we need to be the only ones doing anything . The responsibility should be shared. Staying at home with my baby and making a meal for just me and my baby, and spending the day watching movies and relaxing sounds better . What does everyone think ? Should I go regardless or stay at home

OP posts:
Original poster
blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 23:51

@toomuchlaundry honestly no . And including me and my partner it’s 6 people in total. But I would cook extra so everyone has food for the next day

OP posts:
Bellyups · 07/12/2021 23:52

Also, why on earth would you even agree to this previously? Respect your time, your energy and yourself more OP

Original poster
blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 23:54

@Crunched yes going to my parents is an option too I guess . Even though they won’t do anything I could do that if I don’t feel like staying home

OP posts:
Original poster
blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 23:55

@Bellyups it was a very dumb thing to agree on. I have always had an issue with people pleasing and feeling guilty for saying no . It something I’m trying to work on

OP posts:
Original poster
blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 23:57

@ElephantOfRisk nope they are in the mid 50s early 60s

OP posts:
Original poster
blueberrybabe · 08/12/2021 00:00

@Ourlady thank you . I agree. They grow up so quickly I want to have positive memories . My baby had on a cute Christmas outfit on lasts year and because I was so busy then was tired by the end of the day I didn’t have enough time to take nice pictures of him and us together . I was scrolling through my phone looking at blurry pictures it hurt me .

OP posts:
fabricfanatic · 08/12/2021 00:01

That's bizarre behaviour from your in-laws. They're taking advantage. I'd tell your partner that you'll happily go with him if someone else arranges the food. Go a non-traditional (less effort) route, maybe. Takeaway? Then cook a meal for your own little family the next day, day before, whatever.

Or stay home, if you prefer that to seeing his family. (I have a feeling they're weird, if they'd go along with letting you do almost all the work!
No normal people would let that happen. Even if they couldn't physically cook, themselves, they'd insist on finding a solution that didn't leave you struggling in the kitchen all day!) I definitely wouldn't be preparing the whole meal. That's too much!

Original poster
blueberrybabe · 08/12/2021 00:02

@JazzyBBG I assumed deliveroo wouldn’t be in service that day. But it sounds like a great idea

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 08/12/2021 00:05

You should stay home and your partner should stay with you and your baby.

StillMedusa · 08/12/2021 00:17

Say no, Just say no!
I'm in my 50s...and host and cook for my kids, my Mum, my brother and his wife... and not a chance in hell would my daughter (who has a little breastfed baby) be doing anything in the kitchen while I am capable and happy to do Xmas dinner!
Put your foot down...and tell your DH to get a grip!
Time to make your own traditions in your own home!

olympicsrock · 08/12/2021 00:25

You have a DP problem. He should choose to spend Christmas with his partner and baby over his parents

FuckYouCorona · 08/12/2021 00:32

Glad to see you put DP rather than DH OP. You know what you have to do. Flowers

Booklover3 · 08/12/2021 01:05

My in laws are the same OP. They come to ours or BIL. They’ve never offered but they have the largest house. I grin and bare it because it’s every other year.

Just say no. Stay home. Look after yourself.

Anaximedes · 08/12/2021 01:15

Yes! Stay at home.

Or go on the strict condition (and stick to it!) that HE cooks it, whether that is from scratch or out of pre-prepped packets. Or the ILs or all 3 of them. Disgusting that you should've been expected to do it while breastfeeding a baby!

Take substantial snacks in case dinner is late, feeble, or doesn't turn up at all! Wink

PrincessNutella · 08/12/2021 01:39

If by some mischance you do end up going, you could say, "Okay, last year, I cooked, this year, you cook."

MadeItOut21 · 08/12/2021 01:55

Very confused re your supposedly Christian parents who don't celebrate the day Jesus was born according to the church.

Regarding Christmas Dinner, your in laws are so unreasonable that I can totally understand how you were probably caught off guard and went along with it. They're lazy misogynistic twats. Leave them to it. And if DH left ME and OUR BABY to go cook dinner for his lazy parents on Christmas day...well...he'd soon be an ex husband. Let him go back to his mummy.

Marvellousmadness · 08/12/2021 01:59

Wtf.
No way.
Stand up for yourself op. No one else is going to. Not even your dhHmm..

Say that youll come but that you ain't cooking. Or that you wont come. Whatever you feel better about

Ellen888 · 08/12/2021 02:13

OP
"I cant go to my family because they are strict Christians who don’t celebrate Christmas " Confused

I don't get that ^.

However, leaving that aside, I would say you need to put your foot down, tell him you're not the hired help and won't be cooking this year.
Your DP can organise the catering arrangements.
Unless you create some boundaries this situation will only get worse.

Monty27 · 08/12/2021 02:18

Jeez OP tell them all what you're doing.
Staying at home and DP is shopping. They're bringing the main meat already cooked if they want meat.
You're having Christmas at home and if they're bringing cold toast and beans so be it. Blimey I never heard the likes of it 😳

SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 08/12/2021 02:36

@MadeItOut21 @Ellen888 and others - plenty of Christians do not celebrate Christmas at all eg Seventh-day Adventists, Church of Christ, Quakers etc, and some denominations (eg Orthodox) celebrate the birth of Christ at the Epiphany (rather than the hijacked pagan festival date in December).

MadeItOut21 · 08/12/2021 02:47

@SnoopsCaliforniaRoll you're wrong. Some Orthodox Christians celebrate on 7 January because there's a discrepancy between the official calendar and the old calendar used by the church. They still celebrate on 25 December, their 25 December just doesn't match with the Gregorian calendar used by governments nowadays. Orthodox Christians do not celebrate Christmas on epiphany.

SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 08/12/2021 02:48

Ah ok, I stand corrected then thanks!

irene9 · 08/12/2021 03:17

I guess the first year you were enthusiastic and wanted to embrace his family's way of doing stuff, and enjoyed doing it. But now you have your own child you have a great reason to say, No, we are doing our own Christmas, our way, at home from now on. Then go to the inlaws next day or something.

You are a family now so start acting like one, create your own traditions, starting this year. Your DH still thinks he's his mother's kid who goes 'home' at Christmas. Be very very clear with him what your wishes are. And get that nailed down sooner rather than later.

Bogeyes · 08/12/2021 04:39

Don't go...

Bogeyes · 08/12/2021 04:44

@HunterHearstHelmsley

Sounds like going to my in laws a few years ago.

Last time I went, I told them I wasn't buying the food and I wasn't preparing it. I turned up on Christmas Day.. There was no meal! They just assumed I was all mouth. We had beans on toast. I thought they would pull a stunt so I was ready to have Christmas Dinner at home on Boxing Day.

They weren't impressed but they were warned. They had massively taken the piss previously.

Love this.