should I go Christmas dinner or not
blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 20:03
For the past three years I’ve gone to my in-laws for Christmas and I’m always the one cooking . My partner helps but I would say I do about 60%-70% of the cooking. On top of that usually the day before I would go out and buy all the food and prep everything and then we travel to my in laws on Christmas morning . Every Christmas is a very stressful day for me . I feel like a chef and a house keeper whilst everyone is sitting down saying they are hungry and waiting for their food . This happened last year and dinner was late because I was exhausted, also had a breastfeeding baby so I had to stop a few times during cooking. Anyways I told my partner I’m not going there this year for Christmas . I would stay at home . I cant go to my family because they are strict Christians who don’t celebrate Christmas . My partner thinks I’m exaggerating as it’s only one day so it shouldn’t be an issue. But i don’t see why we need to be the only ones doing anything . The responsibility should be shared. Staying at home with my baby and making a meal for just me and my baby, and spending the day watching movies and relaxing sounds better . What does everyone think ? Should I go regardless or stay at home
Iwab82 · 08/12/2021 04:45
You need to put your foot down with your DP. He should want to spend Christmas with you and your baby over his parents. He should not be expecting you to do everything. He could grow a backbone and tell them to bring the food to yours and he can assist them with cooking it. You should not be spending Christmas alone just because his parents are lazy bastards and your husband is prioritizing them over you. It's your life and you need to stick up for yourself, otherwise your baby is going to get to 18 wondering why he is always home alone with mum for Christmas.
WindyRose · 08/12/2021 04:47
OP I've had every Xmas Day alone for the last 12-13 yrs and to be perfectly honest I have really enjoyed it, mostly because there are NO arguments/fights/black looks/snide remarks/etc/etc. DIL makes a dig deal about Xmas (in a very childish way) and doesn't lift a finger nor do provide any food/drink/etc so every year I was expected to do carry the whole burden then have to accept the insults because it wasn't what she expected.
Never mind I had worked on my feet all day, right up until late on Xmas Eve when she was swanning around at home doing zilch. Since she threw a tantrum thinking I would crawl back, begging and in tears, because she knows I don't have other family, the day has been so peaceful and quiet and I love it!
Do what 'you' want to do on the day and enjoy some quiet time with your LO, they grow up too fast so make the most of it.
Juniper68 · 08/12/2021 04:58
They sound awful. So does your do for allowing this.
Put your foot down. Your baby needs a strong dm for a role model who stands up for herself.
Juniper68 · 08/12/2021 04:58
Dp not do
Newestname002 · 08/12/2021 05:16
[quote blueberrybabe]@Bellyups it was a very dumb thing to agree on. I have always had an issue with people pleasing and feeling guilty for saying no . It something I’m trying to work on[/quote]
The better you build your boundaries the happier your life will be, OP. That goes for your "D"P who sounds as though he's thrown you under the bus these last few Christmases to his lazy and uncaring parents - and looks prepared to do so again this year when he goes alone to his parents. These are not people to pander to, to the level of making extra food so they don't have to cook for days afterwards.
BTW stronger boundaries and more self-respect will help you generally through life. Good luck to you and, whatever decision you make, I hope you and your DC have a wonderful and relaxing Christmas. 🌹
HoppingPavlova · 08/12/2021 05:57
I just don’t understand it. Your DH told you to buy the food for Xmas and that you would be taking it to your in-laws and cooking. You didn’t think this was extremely odd and said yes because?
If my DH said this, I would think he had gone troppo and be quite concerned. Firstly, I would assume his parents had somehow become incapacitated, and want detail. I would then suggest, as they are incapacitated, it would best that they come to ours where I would cook in my own kitchen. If, it turned out his parents were not incapacitated, I’d think I was on Candid Camera, and that not being the case I’d suggest he have a mental health assessment as that’s a bizarre request.
Fundays12 · 08/12/2021 06:16
Set your own traditions for your family and step back from cooking for your partners family now or you will be doing it for years and your child will miss out on Christmas. We spend it at home, have a picky meal full of our favourites and no stress. The kids love it and we are relaxed. Now way would I spend all day cooking in my house let alone someone else’s.
Frankzappa22 · 08/12/2021 06:49
I’ve honestly never heard of someone both going to the bother of doing all the shopping and cooking PLUS the inconvenience of going to someone else’s house. It’s one or the other. To be expected to do both is a massive piss take and just bizarre
Charley50 · 08/12/2021 06:55
Is your relationship with your partner generally good and fairly equal, OP, as this is really odd?
DappyApple · 08/12/2021 10:03
Do they contribute in either cost, or actual food towards the meal or are you purchasing it all?
Not only are they massively taking the piss, but your dp is too.
He’s kind of volunteered your services to his family and through time it is now expected that you will do all the donkey work.
My dh used to be like this in the early days, he would offer to do something then pass all responsibility onto me. Babysitting (at our house) for family members was a favourite of his. Until, Once again he offered to babysit without consulting me, I got myself ready and went out shopping for the day and wished him luck as I was going out the door!
He got the message and never pulled that stunt again!
If you don’t put your foot down now this will continue for years to come and your resentment will continue to grow. Yanbu to do what you want for a change. So stay at home or go visit your parents, either is much more preferable than being treated like a dogsbody by your dps family.
Spend a lovely day with your child.
FabriqueBelgique · 08/12/2021 10:21
Yessss! it’s so nice to see a woman recognise she’s being taken for granted and removing herself from the situation.
Stand your ground. You’re being reasonable, that set-up is completely unreasonable!
blueberrybabe · 08/12/2021 20:38
Regarding Christmas Dinner, your in laws are so unreasonable that I can totally understand how you were probably caught off guard and went along with it. They're lazy misogynistic twats. Leave them to it. And if DH left ME and OUR BABY to go cook dinner for his lazy parents on Christmas day...well...he'd soon be an ex husband. Let him go back to his mummy.
Jesus was not born on Christmas Day.
blueberrybabe · 08/12/2021 20:41
@irene9 yes the first year I went along with it because I wanted to be a part of the family I guess and create a tradition .
blueberrybabe · 08/12/2021 20:42
@WindyRose thank you this sounds great
blueberrybabe · 08/12/2021 20:43
@Juniper68 I agree
blueberrybabe · 08/12/2021 20:48
@HoppingPavlova I think I was just naive . My partner gave me some of the money to buy the food and I didn’t think much of it . I took it as my contribution . I was also okay with doing some cooking But I wasn’t aware that I would be doing all the cooking until it happened . Then the same happened yearly and it became a cycle which continued . Growing up I never celebrated Christmas but whenever we had dinners or dinner parties it was normal for all family members invited to buy something or bring something with them and also very normal for everyone to help out and contribute . I assumed this was the case at first
blueberrybabe · 08/12/2021 20:52
@DappyApple both me and my partner contribute towards the food money however he contributes more . I should I explained that I am the one who has to physically do the food shopping and prep. And honestly all my in-laws provide is one little cake or desert which isn’t even enough and I end up getting extra desert . And that sounds Great what u did !
blueberrybabe · 08/12/2021 20:54
@FabriqueBelgique thank you ! I’m disappointed it took this long to realise but I’m glad I got to the point . I just turned 24 so maybe that has something to do with it !
Stath · 08/12/2021 20:57
@blueberrybabe so what are you going to do/say to your selfish inlaws?
Do hope you enjoy your relaxing (ish) Christmas Day at home.
FictionalCharacter · 08/12/2021 21:12
@fabricfanatic “No normal people would let that happen. Even if they couldn't physically cook, themselves, they'd insist on finding a solution that didn't leave you struggling in the kitchen all day”
Exactly. If the ILs are deliberately using OP as a skivvy at Xmas while they play with her baby, leaving her no time even to take photos of him in his little outfit (I found that bit really upsetting), they are truly horrible people.
But there’s the “D”P too. He’s doing none of the shopping and prep the day before, and 30% max of the work on the day, even when she was breastfeeding. Unforgivable. I do wonder whether he tells his parents she’s fine doing all the work, “oh yeah, she likes cooking, you put your feet up Mum!” Or maybe he kids himself that his small contribution on the day = half the work.
Hopefully last year was the last time ever. But it makes you wonder why he thought it was ever OK.
Ubiquery · 08/12/2021 21:15
JW have nothing to do with Christianity so it's wrong to word it that way
Of course they are.
prynaithda21 · 08/12/2021 21:19
I think you, your DP and your child should spend Christmas Day together in your house. There are four days of bank holidays and so you could visit for a short while on one of the other days.
Different perhaps when your child is older I think.
Lucienandjean · 08/12/2021 21:33
I know it's a side issue, but it's irritating how many posters are saying the OP's parents can't be Christians if they don't celebrate Christmas, or they must be some odd, weird sort of church.
There is no mention of celebrating Christmas (or Easter) in the Bible, so a lot of Christians (mostly evangelicals, but not entirely) don't celebrate it. That doesn't mean they never think about Jesus' birth, they just don't do it particularly on that day, and don't give presents, put up trees or cook turkey!
The church I went to until 2 years ago was a pretty standard Baptist church and I'd guess about a third of the congregation didn't do Christmas. Some of the rest did it in a very low key way. In my current church, nearly everyone does Christmas.
It's a matter of personal choice, and not compulsory to call yourself a Christian!
3luckystars · 08/12/2021 21:36
foreverandalways · 08/12/2021 21:42
Tell him to take the baby on his own and u stay home doing your own thing...they are taking the piss 😡
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