Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

should I go Christmas dinner or not
170

blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 20:03

For the past three years I’ve gone to my in-laws for Christmas and I’m always the one cooking . My partner helps but I would say I do about 60%-70% of the cooking. On top of that usually the day before I would go out and buy all the food and prep everything and then we travel to my in laws on Christmas morning . Every Christmas is a very stressful day for me . I feel like a chef and a house keeper whilst everyone is sitting down saying they are hungry and waiting for their food . This happened last year and dinner was late because I was exhausted, also had a breastfeeding baby so I had to stop a few times during cooking. Anyways I told my partner I’m not going there this year for Christmas . I would stay at home . I cant go to my family because they are strict Christians who don’t celebrate Christmas . My partner thinks I’m exaggerating as it’s only one day so it shouldn’t be an issue. But i don’t see why we need to be the only ones doing anything . The responsibility should be shared. Staying at home with my baby and making a meal for just me and my baby, and spending the day watching movies and relaxing sounds better . What does everyone think ? Should I go regardless or stay at home

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

MistyGreenAndBlue · 07/12/2021 21:34

What are you, the hired help?
Tell them to get to fuck.
Bloody Hell!

Please
or
to access all these features

DSGR · 07/12/2021 21:34

I would just be truthful - I don’t want to do the cooking anymore. Who else is going to take a turn? Hopefully your pig of a husband

Please
or
to access all these features

tallduckandhandsome · 07/12/2021 21:35

I hope the Boxing Day meal was just for you @HunterHearstHelmsley ?

Please
or
to access all these features

willstarttomorrow · 07/12/2021 21:35

@03blueberrybabe do you want to spend Christmas with your in-laws? Do you know how you would like the day to look? The problem may be that, and I am guessing here, if you have not grown up with xmas you are being dictated to and are being taken advantage of. Stop and think about what you would like and then sit down with your DP and explain this. Make it clear whatever is decided you are not individually responsible for everyone else and he needs to manage his family because quite frankly it is insulting to expect this of someone unless agreed they are okay with it. I would also question why the hell everyone has been okay with this before.

Please
or
to access all these features

nancybotwinbloom · 07/12/2021 21:45

@willstarttomorrow

That sums it up.

Also what did they do before you were on the scene?

Please
or
to access all these features

blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 21:58

@ChangeChingyChange no they are Christians . Look into the history of Christmas . And no I never felt the need to celebrate it with my in-laws due to that . I wanted to at first but now I feel like I’m being taken for granted

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 21:59

@HunterHearstHelmsley I couldn’t stop laughing read your post

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

ChangeChingyChange · 07/12/2021 22:00

I know the history. I have a relevant degree. I am a practising Catholic. Anyway that's all by the by!!

Please
or
to access all these features

blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 22:00

@ChangeChingyChange also yes my partner will still go spend it at his parents regardless if we don’t go

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

endoflevelbaddy · 07/12/2021 22:02

It's so liberating pleasing yourself for xmas day - I can't recommend it highly enough.

I did everything for my family for 10 years after my mum left, because I wanted us all to still have a family xmas. I did all the planning, shopping, prepping, cooking. - ran myself ragged, gave up my xmas Eve & xmas Day through 2 pregnancies and small babies, while everyone else pleased themselves.

We (DH & 2 DDs) spend it with friends now (alternate hosting) and leave them all to it. We have time to go for a walk, pop to the pub, actually let the kids open all their presents without being on a schedule, and I bloody love it.

I'd have DH tell them you're planning a quiet one at home to enjoy DC now they're a bit more aware of what's going, on and you don't want to miss out being in the kitchen all day. And then enjoy your day off.

Please
or
to access all these features

blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 22:03

@nancybotwinbloom I’m assuming they did it all themselves

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

nancybotwinbloom · 07/12/2021 22:10

Fuck them then then. Tell them you want a real bonafide Christmas. To see what they see as this celebration.

Please
or
to access all these features

rightsideoftheroad · 07/12/2021 22:11

Op out of interest how did it come about that you would buy, prep and cook all the food, at your ILs house? This seems strange...

Please
or
to access all these features

nancybotwinbloom · 07/12/2021 22:11

Or just have symptoms and stay home.

Please
or
to access all these features

SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 07/12/2021 22:14

@blueberrybabe I think you are entirely justified in wanting to spend Christmas Day at home, without the obligation to lead the planning, preparation and serving Christmas dinner at your IlL's.

What concerns me a bit is that your DP does not see this as a problem, and would likely visit his parents on the day. Would that be for the whole day? What's his view as to what Christmas will look like as your DC gets older - will you be the hosts going forward?

Please
or
to access all these features

Twillow · 07/12/2021 22:17

How did it start that you buy and cook the food?
Did you offer or did you feel obliged or did they ask you to?

Please
or
to access all these features

blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 22:17

@rightsideoftheroad it literally just happened accidentally . First year I was excited , so was okay with buying food to take it there to be cooked . But I started cooking when I got there and realised I was mainly doing it alone . I should have said something then but I didn’t have a backbone and even though it bothered me I kept lying to myself yearly thinking I was okay with it . But I wasn’t

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 22:18

@Twillow my partner just said we are buying the food and cooking it at his parents and I agreed didn’t think much of it . I didn’t expect it to fall on my shoulders . I also didn’t think it would be a thing that would happen yearly

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

BoredZelda · 07/12/2021 22:20

Not a chance would I go. If my husband ever expected me to cook at his mothers whilst he did nothing, he’d have been long binned by now.

Please
or
to access all these features

blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 22:21

@SnoopsCaliforniaRoll I have thought about that too. But I left that choice to him. I don’t want to put him any pressure to feel like he needs to stay at home with me . He will go there After mid day so would spend most of the day there .

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

blueberrybabe · 07/12/2021 22:23

@BoredZelda he did help me in the kitchen . But it was mostly my responsibility and his mum does nothing

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 07/12/2021 22:25

I definitely think you are well within your rights to say 'ok this arrangement was fine in year 1, not what I expected but circumstances have changed'. You are a new Mum, and I fear that if you do not hold your ground now you will be tied to this obligation forever.

I do think Christmas falls disproportionately to women to organise (not just the dinner, but gift buying, cards, decorations and fun things to do).

Are your in-laws grateful for all this effort / good grandparents / nice people?

Please
or
to access all these features

Nannyamc · 07/12/2021 22:28

For the first 12 yrs of our marriage mil hosted us. Then we had a bigger house so for 25 yrs we hosted them. They passed away and my lovely dil has hosted since. My sils family our own and hers. She reckons i did enough my sil has a very small house and they have a large one. Very grateful she has taken ot all on.

Please
or
to access all these features

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2021 22:28

[quote blueberrybabe]@SnoopsCaliforniaRoll I have thought about that too. But I left that choice to him. I don’t want to put him any pressure to feel like he needs to stay at home with me . He will go there After mid day so would spend most of the day there .[/quote]
He doesn't NEED to stay home with you.

He should WANT to stay home with you and your DC.

You seem quite passive about that too

Please
or
to access all these features

ForbiddentoForbid · 07/12/2021 22:30

[quote HunterHearstHelmsley]@WonderHen because I am WOMAN! The beans on toast year made it worth it 🤣[/quote]
Were there no other physically mobile people with both arms and full eyesight in the house?

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.