To be annoyed that I've batched cooked for postpartum and DP is eating all of the food now?

[catmum789]

So me and DP are in the process of buying a house and cause of circumstances I cannot stay round his current house every night because he has a son and I need to work and can't work and be a babysitter. The new house will have an office on the third floor. I stay over only 2/3 nights a week. This weekend I have stood for hours and batch cooked lots of freezer meals for when our baby comes (I am 33 weeks pregnant, no judgement we are buying a house and will have a house by the time baby is here, there are problems with our sellers that are holding the sale up) so on the days I'm not at his he has been telling me that he and his son have been eating the food I prepared for when baby is here so most things have gone!!! Im annoyed cause I portioned the meals out for 2 so we can put them in the oven when baby is here and I don't have to stress. But he has been eating them with his son who already has a hot hearty meal at nursery. He's ate the food I spent hours preparing bare in mind I stood for hours with sciatica and an iron deficiency so constant heart palpitations when I was doing it and he was watching the football!!! Urgh please someone tell me if I'm being a hormonal monster or if you get where I'm coming from!

In a previous thread you said he says you have to take full financial responsibility for the baby as he already has DSS.

Ilssagain is right @catmum789 . That's a ridiculous thing for a man to say. He sounds like bad news going by all the stuff he's said/done.

OP, I haven't read your other threads but I have read this thread now. I have no idea why there has been an irrelevant pile-on with people completely missing the point on purpose.

I'm also another one who didn't always feed any/all of my children the same food as the adult(s), depending on the day, time, schedule, likes, dislikes, nutritious considerations and general circumstances. Sometimes we had big family meals and sometimes not. It's fine, and the right thing is what works best.

You did everything right and sensible with your planning and batch cooking, and he is indeed lazy and inconsiderate at best.

You really need to talk to someone about whether it is in your best interests to move in with this man. At the very least you need a plan to make sure you do not become subsumed by this relationship, and are able to get out of it relatively easily, and can see the red flags for what they are. There are many organisation that can help you work through things. Your midwife is a good port of call, and you could also make an appointment with your GP or self-refer to IAPT, or talk to Women's Aid, for example. To get some perspective, you can be much more detailed and complete with them than on here.

Whether you decide to proceed with merging your home and finances, or not, definitely protect yourself. Talk to a solicitor to make sure that your legal position is as advantageous as it can be if you do merge households and finances (and that doesn't just mean if you get a joint bank account, your household will have joint expenses even if one or other of you pays them individually). Don't allow your job, your finances or your health and wellbeing to take a backseat to the needs of the family this man. Maintain a fund to leave him ('fuck you fund' some people call it on here), even if it isn't very big. Only buy your baby what is really essential (and yes he should be contributing!) so you can put some money, however small, away.

While he doesn't sound like a great catch, living with him but not being married to him leaves you very vulnerable and could be the worst of both worlds because you'll put your all into it and have few rights if one of you leaves the other. He will probably hold this over you.

Maintaining as much independence as possible is important. I'm seeing red flags here. Tread carefully OP and find someone to talk to, please.

OP, unless I completely misread, you had a name change fail in this thread. Might want to fix that.

What is the story with the house that is being bought ? Are you paying for it by yourself?

Just caught up, missed last page.

Buying a house was the cheapest option for us

The cheapest option often isn't always the best one (for at least one person ie you). It's great to see you have the Declaration of Trust set up but be careful because, aside from this you may end up lumbered with most of your child's expenses including childcare costs, while also contributing more than your fair share of money and effort to the household. Someone I know has a living-together contract. If he doesn't want to sit down and work through something like this with you, that would be a red flag.

I wanted to get somewhere on my own with baby and take things slow but I couldn't afford it by a long shot

This is your gut telling you something very important. Listen to it.
Your baby doesn't need much stuff, or much space. A one-bed or large studio flat would be fine for just the two of you for the first year at least. If you are made homeless when your relatives tell you to move out (especially as a pregnant woman or very new mum) you can get help with housing.

DP... just doesn't think sometimes cause he has been used to living on his own for so long

How has he been 'living on his own for so long' if he has a nursery-aged child? And how is that an excuse for being this inconsiderate anyway? Or did he manage to produce that child without living successfully with the child's mother also? Is this what he tells you/makes you think, while grinding you down? And given he has a child and another one on the way and a tired, very pregnant wife, it's about time the manchild learnt to think without any further direction from you being required.

He sounds as though he's manipulating you into a worse situation than you are already in, my lovely. Red flags...

Do you see this relationship working out, OP?

Do you think he'll make you happy?

I don't.

DP is a good guy

He's told you he won't take responsibility financially for his new child because he already has one. He really isn't a good guy.

@Wbfa

Since you have mentioned you portioned the meal for 2 what were you planning to feed DSS when he was at his dad's after the baby comes or he will be banned from coming until you have bonded with your baby?

^ this is exactly it!!! Exactly.

Presumably some other food that was not part of the frozen meal Not sure why it is so hard to understand that it is possible to prepare food for yourself without this automatically meaning you plan to starve a child.

Do you know, I’ve just realised that emotions may well be running high on this thread re step children because of the tragic story of Arthur Labinjo Hughes being in the news. Is this why people have gone so bonkers at the OP and are accusing her of neglecting the step child?

@Midlifemusings

I think your disordered eating is at play here in thinking the child shouldn't eat dinner because he already had lunch at daycare.

Kids who eat at daycare still eat dinner with their families.

It seems too that you don't see the son as part of the family - so you aren't considering him in meal planning. To you, it is you and DP and you are happy to cook meals for the two of you but not preparing food for the child.

I don't think your intentions are bad but I think you need to really work with a therapist because the idea that a child shouldn't have dinner and shouldn't eat with the adults doesn't stem from a healthy place.

The child is at nursery until 5 pm. He will have had both lunch and tea there, likely both to be hot food. Many children who finish childcare earlier eat tea at home between 4 and 5pm. What is the difference between them eating at that time at home and eating at that time at nursery?

It is perfectly normal for children to eat their evening meal separately from their parents, either at home or in childcare. Very many adults choose not to eat until after the kids are in bed. How dare you tell a person with an eating disorder that perfectly normal views around food are unhealthy? Maybe you need to pull you head out of your own arse and accept that not everyone lives their life like you?

He sounds so selfish and disrespectful. Don't move in with him, unless he is gracious, apologetic and batch cooks replacement meals, with a big smile on his face.

He sounds great! Not off to a good start here...
He is selfish with capitals letters. This is him showing his true colours already on what kinda dad/dh he is gonna be

I wouldn't have had a relationship, much less a child, with a man like this.
But it's too late now.
Poor you.

@Oldtiredfedup

You’ve been handed thd gift of a crystal ball.

Now really put to the test - tell him how you feel and ask him to replace the meals.

His response will tell you what you need to know (and I’d put money in it being shitty)

Think VERY carefully if this will be what you wish for your life.

This ^

@Bluntness100

I don’t understand why are you not going the food and freezing it in your home? Why are you doing it two months in advance in his when you won’t even be living there?

Well it will be something like - she has the time at the weekend, or he has a bigger freezer or it will be closer or easier to move it from there to the new house or one of many practical reasons. Or, because she wanted to. None of which are relevant, unless you’re just trying to nitpick. I mean, surely not, though 🤔

Welcome to the future with him. Is this what you really want? Is he the man for you?

@HaveringWavering I think you're right about the Arthur thing. People are nitpicking at every single thing the OP has said and almost bullying her. I don't know how someone can come to the conclusion that just because she hasn't prepared meals for SS means she's depriving him of food and needs therapy for her disordered eating. Totally unfair assumptions given they don't know the full story. People can be really nasty on here.

Well it will be something like - she has the time at the weekend, or he has a bigger freezer or it will be closer or easier to move it from there to the new house or one of many practical reasons. Or, because she wanted to. None of which are relevant, unless you’re just trying to nitpick. I mean, surely not, though

I think it’s relevant simply because it highlights that she’s not thinking properly.

They don’t live together yet and are moving any day now, so why would someone who gets pain from standing too long spend hours batch cooking food for a house they don’t even live in when her DP is more than capable of cooking once the baby is here and she will be able to cook without being in pain. She’s also brought herself a massive new grudge fridge freezer even though she moving any day now.

If she is not thinking properly over something simple like food then she won’t be thinking properly about bigger issues like moving in together with a man who has already said he won’t pay for the new baby and who she can’t live with now whilst pregnant as she she’ll be expected to look after his son and work at the same time.

Most partners would be trying to make your life as easy as possible right now OP and would want their pregnant partner living with them so they can take care of them.

Do you know, I’ve just realised that emotions may well be running high on this thread re step children because of the tragic story of Arthur Labinjo Hughes being in the news. Is this why people have gone so bonkers at the OP and are accusing her of neglecting the step child?

I hope you are right and that is a contributing factor. I have rarely read a thread where so many people have filled in the blanks to paint the OP in a bad light and then used that fiction as the basis for bullying. Quite a few people haven't even read the thread. It's really unpleasant to see.

The food is a red herring here @catmum789 if your previous threads are anything to go by. Your “d”p has missed all your scans, refuses to contribute financially to your baby because he’s focusing on his eldest dc. He also encouraged you to move miles away from family. A pp mentioned that in another thread, you mentioned you were a teen when you got in a relationship with your then middle aged “d”p. He has groomed you into thinking he is “good to you.” Maybe he is financially (house, bills etc) but there is a huge power imbalance here.

Please take your Dd away from here. She needs to grow up in a healthy environment with positive role models. She can’t grow up thinking this is what relationships look like.

Hi op. Your dp doesnt sound great. It isnt you being hormonal. He has intentionally made you life more difficult when you've had the baby.

What was his solution for eating all the food?

If you’re going to cram his freezer for 7 weeks (possibly more) then of course he’s going to eat some 🤷‍♀️ It’s so expensive to eat fresh food for every meal. TBH, I think you’re both a bit in the wrong. Him for not communicating with you and eating your delicious food. You for taking up a lot of space, perhaps think about holding off on the prep til about 38 weeks. That’s what I did.

@catmum789

I would recommend that you do batch cook again for PP, as it's the only way you're going to be happy to eat when you're exhausted and possibly still in pain too.

You can batch cook tons, and then put them in the freezer, but put them in plastic bags which you have tied closed. You can then tell your P that anything in the freezer in a closed plastic bag is not to be used until you're PP.

This will 'separate' the PP food from the 'regular' food which he can use to feed him and his son.

You can't underestimate how tired you will be PP, and with the added complication of you being unable to eat what you haven't cooked/prepared yourself, you really will need to have quick meals which you will be happy to eat.

Take this as a warning sign not to move in with this man !

Honest. He should be cooking for you ffs

While I don't think YABU to be annoyed I do think you have some misconceptions about food for dc. How old is the child? If under one then yes you have to be mindful of salt after one home cooked food with a normal amount of salt added to taste is fine and certainly will be healthier and lower salt than the pepperoni and chicken nuggets etc. As for spice babies can have that. Sooner you introduce these flavours the better. I do think if you're cooking anyway it's no extra work to make the portion slightly bigger for a small bit extra for a small child appetite. Surely it's being defrosted in the fridge during the day so a bit can just be taken out and heated separately. It's said he's fussy but sounds like he's eating these meals so it's very odd that once living as a family he's being fed rubbish instead. If you were just preparing the meals for yourself I'd think differently and do is responsible for feeding him and his child but the fact is you're making for both you and dp rightly or wrongly (yes he should be contributing though you said you don't want that as need to prepare your own. Making it for just yourself might be the best option going forward)

Re the living situation, not sure why it's more ideal for you to be doing this very confidential work squeezed in to a family members rather than say in the bedroom at your dp's but I'm sure you have your reasons. The situation does come across as confusing though.