'They've got their own lives' and other stock phrases

[saywhatagain]

I'm an adult social worker and I hear words to the tune of 'X never visits/helps because they have their own lives' many times a month.

Another popular one is 'I've worked all my life and now I have to pay, but if I'd sat on my arse my whole life / was an immigrant (etc) I'd get it all for free'.

Or another popular one, 'the GP gave me your number as my mother/father/aunt (etc) needs to go into a care home right NOW' - and 9/10 times it's a either health need not a social one or the person is nowhere near care home ready.

Tell me yours for your job, make me feel better about the Groundhog Day that my job is at the moment?

The amount of clients who’s families are ‘too busy to help them’ is shockingly depressing.

What about the amount of elderly people who will tell you this, when the families have actually offered help and it has been turned down?

I was once told at a parents’ evening that work shouldn’t be differentiated, because “It’s not fair that you have to harder work just because you’re clever.”

By that I mean more in-depth work. I’m not suggesting only able children should try hard!

@BoredZelda

The amount of clients who’s families are ‘too busy to help them’ is shockingly depressing.

What about the amount of elderly people who will tell you this, when the families have actually offered help and it has been turned down?

Or the non-elderly people who say this because it’s the truth?

I can’t magic up my kids from hundreds of miles away.

@Skyll

She clearly has no understanding of what it’s like to be on the other side of her trite dismissal of “they have their own lives”. Maybe she should try it sometime.

I do agree with this. For people that need long-term support, is it reasonable to expect their family members to give up their lives, careers, and possibly neglect their own children?

Even if they are willing to do so, does the patient have no say in this? Perhaps they want to spend what little time they have left having quality interaction with their families.

And is it assumed that carers don't have any special skills? I don't know how to bathe a frail person or feed them, for example.

There's a logic there albeit short termist.

And is it assumed that carers don't have any special skills? I don't know how to bathe a frail person or feed them, for example.

Oh you learn fast when you have to because little to no support is forthcoming.

@SunshineCake1

Slagged off?

The op said this

If you contacted the team I work on and I was on duty that day I'd be out to visit you and FIL the next week if not sooner and he'd have the support he needs pretty quickly (assuming we can find the care which is a huge worry at the moment due to shortages) and if he needed a placement he'd be there within days. I do have a huge caseload but I do my best to support everyone as best I can.

This is not my experience. No social worker gave a shit about me. Literally was told I’d get a commode and if my kids couldn’t come to empty it every day it would sit there til they did. By a social worker. Over the phone because I wasn’t even worth a visit.

Begged to be put short term in a care home and was told no. I’d get a commode that could sit there til my kids or a neighbour or MY EX HUSBAND came to empty it.

Yup. You have an ex husband. Can he not come and empty it for you.

That’s a fucking no.

So pardon me that I don’t find this light fucking hearted.

Tbh I think the care system is completely broken and the expectations of many it, and certainly the government are wholly unrealistic.

50 years ago, people married and had kids younger, and most women were SAHMs or worked very part-time. Families often stayed in the same area for generation, divorce was less common.

For those who lived long enough to become unable to look after themselves, there was frequently a handy DD or DIL on hand.

We now have an ageing population, people starting families later, moving further afield, divorcing and starting new families, and most women work.

For those who are single parenting as well as working full time, elder care is a minefield practically, never mind the emotional impact. Or the women who had kids later and are juggling primary aged kids, elderly parents, work and the menopause.

With people living longer, many family carers are in their sixties themselves.

None of this is OPs fault of course, but a little empathy and understanding wouldn't go amiss.

The system is no longer fit for purpose and needs a radical overhaul, something sadly unlikely to happen any time soon.

But Skyll was this a social care need or a healthcare need?

No individual social worker sets the boundaries that they work in.

OP also says a large part of her day is taken up explaining that social services don't offer healthcare support.

The system is ridiculously fragmented and under funded but that isn't the responsibility of a social worker who is assessing if you fit the criteria for support.

My grandma was able to take on much of the care for her mother in her old age. My grandad had a good but fairly normal job which paid enough to provide for him and my grandma, plus their two children. My grandma worked part time on and off for a bit of extra cash, but had lots of time at home as well and ran the household. My mum and Aunty moved out in their late teens/early twenties and quickly hopped onto the property ladder with their husbands. After the kids moved out, grandma provided lots of assistance and eventually nursing care to her mother who by that time was very elderly and infirm.

My grandma is currently living in a nursing home. My own mum and dad have been able to provide for their family on just my dad’s salary, although my mum has worked part time at times. Now myself and my siblings are grown up and have our own children, we are not so fortunate. Most of us cannot afford to just have one parent working full time like previous generations. We definitely can’t afford enough childcare. So my mum, bless her, provides A LOT of help with her grandchildren to enable us to work. This obviously reduces the amount of time she would have available to care for my grandma, in comparison to what my grandma did for her mum.

I absolutely dread to think what the situation will be when my own mum needs caring for. I can’t see a time when we won’t both need to work full time hours. We are not likely to retire at 60 like the generations before us. Our children may have it even worse than we did in terms of the cost of living and housing, so any free time I do have would be spent helping them with childcare to enable them to work.

We have to be careful when we lambast relatives who say they are too busy to help, that we aren’t comparing the current reality of life for people with elderly and ill relatives, to the way things were for previous generations.

The whole social care/nursing care system needs a huge overhaul.
But every time a government even suggests the only possible ways to pay for it all hell breaks out in the middle class retired population and the issue gets dropped again.

@Rachie1973

Yup. Social care sector here. The amount of clients who’s families are ‘too busy to help them’ is shockingly depressing

My Mum used to get a cynical smile during media reports of the elderly stuck in homes with families desperate to see them. She was a carer for her FIL and later her own DM, both later went into homes when it all became too much. She, or other family members, visited regularly (on a daily basis) and they were usually the only visitors there ever. TBF in my Nan's large home there was one other family that also visited regularly. Obviously some of the other residents would occasionally have visitors, but that was rare, and some sadly may not have had any family/friends.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but I think there are ppl on here who are projecting (both the OP's and other's comments*) and not taking this thread in the way OP: intended it. Perhaps this is not the thread for them.

*and not necessarily my comments and not just one person

@Mothership4two

I mean this in the nicest possible way but I think there are ppl on here who are projecting (both the OP's and other's comments*) and not taking this thread in the way OP: intended it. Perhaps this is not the thread for them.

*and not necessarily my comments and not just one person

Absolutely. This was meant to be a light hearted post but as usual has turned into a contest over who has the hardest life, who hates social work the most and a tirade of angry, bitter comments etc on a feed that was meant to be a bit fun

@BoredZelda

The amount of clients who’s families are ‘too busy to help them’ is shockingly depressing.

What about the amount of elderly people who will tell you this, when the families have actually offered help and it has been turned down?

I would have thought it depended on the situation. If someone has a full job job, 3 kids and lives a long way away, or indeed any one of those things, they are going to struggle to provide care for an elderly relative. Plus the fact that you cannot compare cooking and cleaning for people in years gone by with the much more complex needs that elderly people have these days. My aunt used to take round a dinner for my grandmother every day but my grandmother could more or less look after herself, had all her marbles and lived a 5 minute walk away. Now of course you could use something like Wiltshire Farm Foods.

And often people can afford to buy in help like gardening or cleaning but don't want to.

I’m a lawyer. My colleague and I were talking about the following from the business which we advise:

“Quick one…”

The question that follows is quick for the asker to ask but invariable takes me ages to answer, so it’s not a quick one for me.

I see thread has been derailed a bit.

I will never visit my elderly parents when they become too ill or infirm and need residential care because the Law Society removes your heart and soul when your name goes on the Roll.

Gosh, some of you would lose your shit if you saw how many forums and Facebook pages are dedicated solely for medics and health and social care professionals to vent about their work! Believe me, they’re nothing like the OP. There is some dark, dark humour.

I would always help my mum when she is struggling. If she goes before my dad, he is on how own.

People who cheer when someone breaks a glass in a bar.

@Mickarooni

Gosh, some of you would lose your shit if you saw how many forums and Facebook pages are dedicated solely for medics and health and social care professionals to vent about their work! Believe me, they’re nothing like the OP. There is some dark, dark humour.

But those pages won’t have the service users on them. They’re for the people involved to vent.

This is a website that has a lot of people who are the clients of the SW and that makes it not really the same as a FB group

But those pages won’t have the service users on them. They’re for the people involved to vent.

This is a website that has a lot of people who are the clients of the SW and that makes it not really the same as a FB group

Exactly. I’m not sure how people aren’t getting this. There are service users on this thread telling them that it makes them feel like an inconvenience and judged by the professions they are forced to rely on.

"It's a less than ideal situation, certainly..."

It's a fuck-up...

"...but we are we are where we are, so let's look forward..."

...but let's not think too much about whose fault it was...

"The priority here is to think of the client's ultimate needs and goals..."

There's a good quarter of a million quid in their contingency budget...

"...so that we can partner with them to a successful outcome."

...and they've got little choice but to spend it on us.