'They've got their own lives' and other stock phrases

[saywhatagain]

I'm an adult social worker and I hear words to the tune of 'X never visits/helps because they have their own lives' many times a month.

Another popular one is 'I've worked all my life and now I have to pay, but if I'd sat on my arse my whole life / was an immigrant (etc) I'd get it all for free'.

Or another popular one, 'the GP gave me your number as my mother/father/aunt (etc) needs to go into a care home right NOW' - and 9/10 times it's a either health need not a social one or the person is nowhere near care home ready.

Tell me yours for your job, make me feel better about the Groundhog Day that my job is at the moment?

@NdujaWannaDance

'They've got their own lives'

I tend to think that often (not always, but often) you reap what you sow as a parent in your old age. If you were a very emotionally available, put your children first and were not a selfish, self absorbed or deeply flawed, highly critical or narcissistic parent, then you have far better odds of having adult DC who care about your loneliness and care about your meaningful quality of life in old age.

I would never see my mother suffer or not have her most basic needs met, I'll fulfil my obligations to put plans in place for her when and if the time comes, but I don't feel any obligation to provide her with round the clock company or care from me.

That pretty much mirrors the parenting experience I had growing up. It didn't feel like I was that much of a priority to her, so she isn't to me.

Two of my children are at university almost 2 hours away and almost 8 hours away. The other One lives a flight away.

Am I reaping what I sowed?

By the way. I’m only in my 50s. I don’t call that old age?

Pharmacy... the doctor said it would be here and ready in 20min.
Yeah...that's because GPs do actually say that!

That was my thought! You try to time your visit to the pharmacy for when the GP tells you - I give it much much longer than they say now,

I tend to think that often (not always, but often) you reap what you sow as a parent in your old age. If you were a very emotionally available, put your children first and were not a selfish, self absorbed or deeply flawed, highly critical or narcissistic parent, then you have far better odds of having adult DC who care about your loneliness and care about your meaningful quality of life in old age.

Often I think the opposite happens

Families where there’s a very healthy dynamic, and children are encouraged to spread their wings, live their lives etc, often end up with adult children living abroad etc. Where there’s emotional pressure put in kids, and they’re made to feel guilty about their parents, they often stay around out of obligation and don’t live their lives.

What @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing just said. I encouraged my children to spread their wings and not be constrained by any feeling of obligation to me.

Seems like SWs view that as a negative. Why?

I worked in a jewellers when I was in sixth form. We were at the cheaper end of the market, every single item was 9ct gold, we displayed one of all our products in the front window of the shop - all told there were hundreds of rings, necklaces, bracelets and so on. We had the exact same items in display cabinets in the shop, customers would come in having looked in the window and literally stand over said cabinets.

The conversation would go as follows:

"Can I have a look at that ring in the window?"
"Certainly, we've got quite a few rings though, could you tell me more about it so I can identify which one it is?"
"It's gold."
"Ok, can you see it in this cabinet here? We have one of all stock items here too"
"No, I saw it in the window."
"Ok, can you go outside and point to it for me?"

Then they'd go stand outside the shop with me stood inside the shop window and generally they'd wave wildly and I'd make an educated guess and bring three trays in with exactly the same rings they'd just been stood over for them to see...

Sometimes I'd know exactly which item it was - we only sold one gate bracelet, one sapphire ring for instance - and I'd go take it out of back stock (to save me having to replenish the front stock) and the customer would refuse that one and insist I give them the one from the window or the shop cabinet. These pieces were mass produced, all the same, the only possible difference being that the ones from back stock hadn't been previously tried on and therefore was less likely to have even microscopic scratches but no - it had to be the one they'd seen.

People are funny

@Skyll

What am I supposed to say that isn’t going to annoy the SW and HCP to explain that I don’t have friends or family who can help? Can someone please tell me how im meant to phrase it so as not to irritate the professionals?

I'd love to know that as well. Please share how not to piss you all off when I need help.

Yes. This.

X 2 this

I asked to be put in a fucking care home because I didn’t have any help and was told I’d have to manage. I asked for carers to come to help me and was told I’d have to manage. I was told I MUST have someone who could help me.

How fucking dare I be judged for that.

@saywhatagain I don't really understand the problem with your last point. Sure people who have never had anything to do with the social care system go to their GP for help then follow their advice?

My parent has dementia and while we're managing so far surely there is a point where they will need an assessment. But phoning if there's a crisis is wrong?

Not trying to be an arse but asking a genuine question- when is it ok to engage with adult social services if phoning when you're no longer managing is going to piss off the social worker?

Not trying to be an arse but asking a genuine question- when is it ok to engage with adult social services if phoning when you're no longer managing is going to piss off the social worker?

I think people are reading far too much into the OP. She wasn't judging anyone or criticising those who request help or who don't have family support. She was just mentioning some frequently occurring phrases and asking what others experience in their work. That is all.

Perhaps this forum wasn't the best place for it though.

@flymetotheloon

Social worker ethical code:

"They should work towards promoting the best interests of
individuals and groups in society and the avoidance of harm."

How do you think some clients might feel - regardless of whether they are named or not - when they discover that they are being spoken about like this in a disparaging way on a huge public platform?

This is the point. We know the OP hasn't told us who she is talking about but the fact not only does she think if she is posting about it and using it as entertainment would be heartbreaking for those unlucky enough to be in her "care" or with any kind of social worker involvement. If you can't see why it is upsetting be grateful you can't understand.

I have to care for my elderly father but two of my siblings do not because 'they've got their own lives'. In fact they apparently don't even need to visit or phone him because of having their own lives. (But I'm not allowed mine, clearly.)

Just because a stock phrase can be wearing doesn't mean it's pissing someone off or the person is judging the person who said it.

I regularly hear people who want a higher-up's direct contact details or is angry that they haven't heard back in a particular amount of time.

I understand those comments. I can't give those details or explain the delay beyond giving details of the complaints procedure which lists who to contact and their details. The wearing part is often because I understand those failed expectations well and I can't do anything more about how there are often many promises made by other people, but the clunky, under-resourced systems can't meet them.

Really, the only time I get 'judgy' is if there is one upset person/family and someone unrelated to the situation overhears and decides they need to step in and rile things up further. The person riling thing up is pretty much always just making things harder for everyone while acting like they're a hero for pushing people to ignore the complaints procedure or act like someone just need to be yelled at more to break that procedure.

Volunteer roles, as valuable as they are (and I do two) are nothing like undergoing professional training and signing up to an ethical code that puts your client's welfare at the very heart of it.

That depends on the role and organization. Many voluntary positions involve signing up to an ethical code, some even have legal ramifications if broken just like their paid counterparts.

The paid professionals will have other obligations, responsibilities, and training over the rest of the organization, but for that particular area, the ethical code is usually the same and it's not unusual for training & CPD for that to be given to paid and volunteer staff side-by-side.

They're different roles, but saying the training and ethical requirements are nothing alike is dismissive and ignores organizations with a lot of integrations between paid and unpaid staff, no matter how many volunteer roles you have.

@Skyll

What *@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing* just said. I encouraged my children to spread their wings and not be constrained by any feeling of obligation to me.

Seems like SWs view that as a negative. Why?

Because it makes them more work and impacts their budgets?

Granted it's a massively understaffed and underfunded sector but presumably social workers know this when they decide to enter the profession.

@saywhatagain, Sorry to read that so many are determined to give you a hard time. At least you are getting support though.

I had a real kicking for a post where I made three points, I thought all sensible and supporting the idea posted.
Two were ignored entirely.

So I’m supposed to tell my children not to follow their own path because I’m disabled and need care so that a social worker’s job isn’t impacted. Got it. Thanks.

@Skyll

So I’m supposed to tell my children not to follow their own path because I’m disabled and need care so that a social worker’s job isn’t impacted. Got it. Thanks.

Yes, well done, that's exactly what you are supposed to do.

@BiteySpears

I work in a private hospital and constantly receive complaints about shared rooms “Is this the only room the hospital can provide me with despite having TOP health insurance?!” Everyone has top cover or they wouldn’t be there. Also it’s oncology so we need the private rooms for infectious or dying patients.

Taking a brief health history “No, I don’t have any medical conditions”. They then pull out a cake sized Tupperware container of medications. (I should say I have more creative ways nowadays of finding out the info I need to know).

Same.

They’ve got no health problems but their on steroids 🤨 or they’ve got no health problems but haven’t seen a gp for over 20 years so could have dangerously high Bp or diabetes and not know.

In the end your questions get very detailed “are you on tablets prescribed or recommended by a dr, powders, regular injections, inhalers, or treatment as an outpatient?”

@flymetotheloon

Wow.

What an unprofessional post from a SW bitching about the things that clients say.

Especially given recent news events.

Ever heard of confidentiality?

@HeronLanyon

Op has not breached her duty of confidentiality. She’s used ‘stock phrases’ not attributed to any client, to raise issues she experiences frequently as a SW - Lack of care Racism/xenophobia Unreasonable expectations.

It’s important stuff and doesn’t at all bring her profession into disrepute the way it was written.

The thing is whilst OP might be interpreting things as lack of care or unreasonable expectations, the family might be seeing another side of things, and if you're one of those family members it's not pleasant nor comforting to imagine the professionals dealing with your situation to be eye rolling and judging.

In two of the examples cited by OP she is not undermining her clients she is questioning the fact that as older people they accept that their family don't visit or look after them or simply want them to be put away in a home. So she is expressing sympathy with the vulnerable people she serves. I used to work with older people and I recognise what OP is saying.

Some people on here so enjoy being able to judge and criticise. Perhaps they recognise themselves in these statements?

OP hasn't breached confidentiality as her comments are generic. But it's still not in good faith, unkind and touches a raw nerve for many people. It's not a nice thread to start and also somewhat tone deaf given the OP's profession.

...she is questioning the fact that as older people they accept that their family don't visit or look after them or simply want them to be put away in a home.

The problem is, as many on this thread have stated, that there are plenty of elderly people capable of giving that impression when in fact t its a/ not true or b/ there are very good reasons for them not visiting or being unable to take on the role of carer.

For those of us at the opposite side of this equation seeing comments such as the OPs is soul destroying and incredibly painful.

Also some old people are lonely because they've been an utter arsehole to their families all their lives.