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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'They've got their own lives' and other stock phrases

552 replies

saywhatagain · 07/12/2021 18:07

I'm an adult social worker and I hear words to the tune of 'X never visits/helps because they have their own lives' many times a month.

Another popular one is 'I've worked all my life and now I have to pay, but if I'd sat on my arse my whole life / was an immigrant (etc) I'd get it all for free'.

Or another popular one, 'the GP gave me your number as my mother/father/aunt (etc) needs to go into a care home right NOW' - and 9/10 times it's a either health need not a social one or the person is nowhere near care home ready.

Tell me yours for your job, make me feel better about the Groundhog Day that my job is at the moment?

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 08/12/2021 10:52

This is a SW talking about the reality of the job. Which means (by definition) dealing with people with problems in their life and often a refusal to take full responsibility for their issues. Its much easier to blame others for the problem.

We know there is a pattern with both perpertrators of crime and victims of domestic violence. That isn't in dispute. Identifying these patterns is actually helpful, indeed necessary.

However, in this case the OP has just expressed how it feels like groundhog day to be hearing the same over and over again.

But she's not given any identifying information nor said something which has a go at these people in a way that does anything but express frustration at hearing the same thing over and over again.

(And yep I've double checked the posts).

Other people are assuming that she is passing judgment beyond that. That says something about their own prejudices not the OPs that they assume she's being disparging etc about it.

Indeed she could be expressing frustration that the people she deals with all have a narrow life experience and thats not their fault. Or that they have all had a tough break in life and she wishes they were more able to cope with situations. Or that she wished that her clients thought more of themselves and were worth family helping them. You don't know what she thinks about the constant use of the phrases from what she's said.

It could easily suggest how much she cares about people rather than her looking down on them. I disagree completely that it suggests a lack of empathy. Its possibly quit the opposite.

I actually think drawing attention to there being a pattern and a cycle that seems difficult to break out of, is useful and raises awareness. It should get people talking about what society should be doing to change that.

The fact that instead, people are jumping on the OP saying she should quit and that she's unprofessional and they jump to the conclusion that since shes a SW she's bad and trouble says rather more troubling things about society.

That says they don't want to hear about the problem because they don't want to have to think about how you address it. They want it brushed under the carpet and ignored. If its hidden away from middle class day to day reality and drawing attention to it can be blamed on crap SW then its all good. There is no discussion of SW work load, pressure they are under, how they are treated by the rest of society and their clients etc etc.

To me it just highlights how much SW are dumped on and don't get proper support from government and society in general. Instead they are deliberately stigmatised by some for certain political agendas and to pass the blame rather than examining the institutional level neglect of social care.

Skyll · 08/12/2021 11:01

For those of us at the opposite side of this equation seeing comments such as the OPs is soul destroying and incredibly painful.

This.

Skyll · 08/12/2021 11:03

And it’s not just old people. Unless you think 50 is old 🙄

MistressoftheDarkSide · 08/12/2021 11:03

Good heavens, is this still rumbling on?

Have just re- read the OP to try and figure out why she's getting such a hard time, and my takeaway is that ultimately she is frustrated because peoples lack of understanding of the actual mechanics of the system which she obviously knows well is the root of the problem and in these scenarios her hands are tied.

She can't spend her time mending fractured relationships between parents and adult siblings, she can't do anything about perceived inequities in entitlement and if the referred person is not eligible for something because guidelines / protocol / computer says no, she can't magically summon up the resources on her personal say so.

There are no judgements attached in her post, just a lament that she hears the same phrases over and over and is unable to do what is being demanded of her.

I've experienced working with SS as a "client" from both the CP angle and in regards to elderly parents, and like every experience it's been a mixed bag, but in both scenarios I know that the system is imperfect and those working within it are like all humans, usually doing their best but often ground down by frustrations. Systems run on tick boxes and if you fall outside them you do feel aggrieved and it feels very personal because we are talking about emotive, sensitive and life altering situations. It took me years to come to terms with that, and some things still rankle. Shooting the messenger is futile, even if the messenger is less than perfect, because the next messenger may well be even more fearful - you might shoot them and so might the authority that sent them. It's hard but it's a fact.

By all means call out bad practise, but I don't think this thread is it.....

Skyll · 08/12/2021 11:05

I don’t have a fractured relationship with my adult children ffs. That’s the judgemental tosh I’m talking about.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 08/12/2021 11:10

@Skyll

No judgement intended and that's not what I said. We are talking about hypotheticals and generalisations on an anonymous forum, and I was giving an example of a potential frustration that the OP might feel.

Skyll · 08/12/2021 11:14

But that’s what comes across. No help from adult children equals fractured relationship.

MintyCedric · 08/12/2021 11:18

Or that adult children don't give a shit, when in actual fact they are breaking themselves to care for often unappreciative elderly parents, with very limited support.

Even moreso during the pandemic

Skyll · 08/12/2021 11:22

@MintyCedric

Or that adult children don't give a shit, when in actual fact they are breaking themselves to care for often unappreciative elderly parents, with very limited support.

Even moreso during the pandemic

Also this. My kids are great and do a lot for me but I can’t exactly expect them to bunk off jobs and uni.
Numnumcookie · 08/12/2021 11:25

Me: I need to refer you to a specialist, the waiting time is about 12-18 weeks. You will get a letter in the post in about 12 weeks.
Them 3 weeks later: I've not heard from the hospital yet.

Patient: I must be seen urgently, it's so incredibly painful.
Me: We can get you an appointment today in 'next town over 20mins drive away'
Patient: No that's no good for me I've got to (insert random non urgent task), can't you see me here in 2 days time?
(I don't think their idea of really painful is the same as mine as a clinician)

Theunamedcat · 08/12/2021 11:30

@Skyll

I don’t have a fractured relationship with my adult children ffs. That’s the judgemental tosh I’m talking about.
Exactly me either but some people take the fact that she moved so far away as a judgement on me it was the greatest university in a beautiful town and she has lived there alone for four years without starving without needing me to wash her clothes or lose her deposit due to her being dirty or careless how is that a bad thing im dam proud of her! She went from mum doing everything to doing everything like her mum showed her I didn't raise a child I raised an independent woman and watched her fly
Fordian · 08/12/2021 11:39

@ElectraBlue

I suggest you get a new job since you seem to think that being judgemental and sharing confidential information about your clients is part of your duties...
😂😂😂

If every HCP who could've written the OP were to leave their profession because they're obviously not suited; there'd be no one left!

Almostmenopausal · 08/12/2021 11:39

@flymetotheloon

Wow.

What an unprofessional post from a SW bitching about the things that clients say.

Especially given recent news events.

Ever heard of confidentiality?

This
Chasingaftermidnight · 08/12/2021 11:44

Years ago I worked in a bookshop.

Every day, without fail, I’d have a conversation along the lines of:

Customer: ‘Could you help me find a particular book?’
Me: ‘Sure - do you know the title or author?’
Customer: ‘no… no… but it’s about this big’ [gestures vaguely with hands] ‘and it has a red cover.’
Me: ‘Ok, it doesn’t ring a bell and we can’t search by size or cover colour… do you know anything about it?’
Customer: ‘I think the title began with ‘The…’’
Me: ‘ok, that doesn’t narrow it down that much I’m afraid…’

And of course the customer invariably sighed in irritation at your lack of helpfulness.

A couple of weeks ago I was in Waterstones and overheard a similar exchange between an assistant and a customer - the customer didn’t know the title or author but knew it was about animals and kept saying ‘it’s about this big!’ Grin

CrispAndFrosty · 08/12/2021 11:52

I don't see this thread as complaining. I find it fascinating, actually, how we all think we're being original or making a clever excuse, yet everyone else has had the same idea. It's quite lovely, in a way! I could have filled up a thread with stock phrases from customers when I worked in retail. Some of the phrases were annoying after a while, e.g. "bet you're getting paid double today" on a bank holiday where we very much weren't, but other phrases were interesting in that so many customers had the same mistaken ideas about a product or service.

I also think stock phrases serve a purpose in interaction, like small talk, and can be a useful thing for someone to reach for when a topic is a bit painful or delicate.

So, I didn't read the OP as "aren't these people/their relatives annoying", not at all.

Wokahontas · 08/12/2021 11:54

I'm an adult social worker and I hear words to the tune of 'X never visits/helps because they have their own lives' many times a month.

I bet the phrase "lessons will be learned" is troped out by you and your SW colleagues much more than what you hear from your vulnerable clients on a monthly basis.

Skyll · 08/12/2021 11:58

Derailing stock phrases heard in a retail context is completely different to those heard by a social worker in the course of their job.

Snugglepumpkin · 08/12/2021 12:00

Also used to get this a lot...

"Your building work (e.g. changing a window handle) on a flat 10 floors up on the opposite side of the block, or on a house 20 doors down/insert persons distance from place you did the teeny job) has caused my door to break/all my windows to fall out/my shelf I never actually put up to fall down/my shower to fall off the wall (or whatever random job they want doing) so you need to do it for free & pay for the materials yourself because you definitely caused that damage."

My favourite was when I refinished a front door in a very posh place that had been made into flats in London, where someone 3 floors up swore we caused her floor to "sag" by painting said front door on the ground floor as the chemical smell floating through the door of paint weakened the floorboards.
She wanted us to put in a new solid oak floor for free as reparation & matching skirting boards, window frames, doors etc..
It was never oak to start with & there was nothing wrong with it other than it could have done with a good clean.

The richer the area, the more made up so called damages occurred around the job.
Ordinary peoples homes are obviously better built as it was really rare to get that in those areas.

Skyll · 08/12/2021 12:01

*detailing

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 08/12/2021 12:08

I had a builder round my house doing some work for me for a few days recently.

Name was Robert.

I restrained myself and am very proud.

CrispAndFrosty · 08/12/2021 12:08

@Skyll

Derailing stock phrases heard in a retail context is completely different to those heard by a social worker in the course of their job.
The point of the thread seems to have been to encourage people of all walks of life to share stock phrases. The OP is a SW, yes, but the generic phrases she shared seem innocuous to me. I appreciate that others on this thread, including those who have SW involvement in their wider family, see it differently. I'm not going to rehash that argument.
AmIgoinghomeforXmas · 08/12/2021 12:17

To me it just highlights how much SW are dumped on and don't get proper support from government and society in general. Instead they are deliberately stigmatised by some for certain political agendas and to pass the blame rather than examining the institutional level neglect of social care.

This is what I take from this thread as well.
As well as a lack of understanding about different types of social work.

The idea that front line social workers will be talking about "lessons learned" is particularly ridiculous. Social workers in child protection, a totally different field to OP are aware of the problems in their field. Have been for decades.

But society really doesn't want to listen and it is easier for government to encourage that rather than act itself.

Mothership4two · 08/12/2021 12:27

@Coquohvan

“How much” “Will this be expensive” worst “Just put them to sleep”. Unfortunately you didn’t buy pet insurance for your dog/cat/pet. Never from an owner who has insurance when their pet requires treatment or op

I do have insurance for my dog and I always ask "how much". I think that (along with "will this be expensive?") is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask for any service (especially one that can be costly) and not quite one of the stock phrases the OP was talking about.

I definitely will ask 'how much?' if and when my 2 year old cat needs treatment as he is uninsured but has his own bank account for treatment. I am quite cynical about pet insurance companies

Anordinarymum · 08/12/2021 12:31

@flymetotheloon

Take it to clinical supervision, op, and have a good hard look at yourself.
Having a good day?
LightDrizzle · 08/12/2021 12:33

Mandated Adult education context:

"I'm alright as long as people don't tell me what to do"
"The teacher never says anything to other people who keep their headphones on/ go out for a cig/ make racist comments'
"She's got it in for me" about teachers with a great record who have asked for support with a student who has been incredibly disruptive over time.
"I've got anger issues"
"The thing is I've got anger issues and I'm alright but I can't cope with rules and that"
"Not being funny but you can't even understand what she's saying" about any teacher with heritage involving "brown" despite them speaking either RP English or a mild version of the accent prevalent in the town the college is located in.

The overwhelming number of mandated adult students are brilliant to work with but a minority of their peers are a PITA and drive the majority mad. We worked very hard to accommodate individual needs with those with mental health issues or substance abuse issues, it was very rewarding and many students got the first qualifications of their lives.
The entitlement and rejection of any responsibility for their behaviour by some students was depressing though, particularly when coupled with quite sophisticated attempts to get their teachers into trouble with the management.