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'They've got their own lives' and other stock phrases
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saywhatagain · 07/12/2021 18:07

I'm an adult social worker and I hear words to the tune of 'X never visits/helps because they have their own lives' many times a month.

Another popular one is 'I've worked all my life and now I have to pay, but if I'd sat on my arse my whole life / was an immigrant (etc) I'd get it all for free'.

Or another popular one, 'the GP gave me your number as my mother/father/aunt (etc) needs to go into a care home right NOW' - and 9/10 times it's a either health need not a social one or the person is nowhere near care home ready.

Tell me yours for your job, make me feel better about the Groundhog Day that my job is at the moment?

OP's posts:
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Mickarooni · 14/12/2021 17:21

@5zeds

Therefore, lay people have to accept it is what is it. Nope. Professionals have to accept that they are subject to the same judgement as anyone else and “having a hard job” is not an excuse to make vulnerable people feel even more unhappy than they did. “Don’t be an arse” is a good rule for everyone.

I understand where you’re coming from.
My view is different but I respect not everyone feels the same way. As a lay person, it doesn’t bother me if a medic uses black humour in their personal time as long as they treat me with respect in a professional capacity.
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5zeds · 14/12/2021 17:08

Therefore, lay people have to accept it is what is it. Nope. Professionals have to accept that they are subject to the same judgement as anyone else and “having a hard job” is not an excuse to make vulnerable people feel even more unhappy than they did. “Don’t be an arse” is a good rule for everyone.

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Mickarooni · 10/12/2021 15:33

@JimCarreysMask

” I was mildly irritated by the OP, I’m more angry at the posters saying lighten up or get a sense of humour. I was ill with the stress of it. I’m not over it and it’s not funny in the least.”

I’m truly sorry for what you went though. That sounds hideous.
I don’t think most people on here are saying others should lighten up but rather, that people in challenging professions do use dark humour to help them cope. Therefore, lay people have to accept it is what is it. That’s said, I wouldn’t post on here. In fact, I wouldn’t likely post online at all. OP definitely misjudged!
I’ve been through significant medical trauma and I recognise medics may make jokes but they need an outlet to cope with their job so I just switch off from it. I see memes pop up on social media when I’m not actively looking and I try to understand it isn’t about me or my situation.

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MintyCedric · 10/12/2021 09:28

I was mildly irritated by the OP, I’m more angry at the posters saying lighten up or get a sense of humour. I was ill with the stress of it. I’m not over it and it’s not funny in the least.

Yup, totally with you.

I think until you've watched/cared for someone in that situation along tried to fight for them to get the help they (and you) need you can't possibly comprehend how difficult it is.

When I was still trying to manage work as well as caring I lost count of the number of times colleagues said 'you must have someone else who can help' or 'just get more carers in'.

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JackJack84 · 10/12/2021 05:18

'Did you find a brain in there?'

After almost every head MRI scan I perform, which is usually 18 a day. By the end of my 3rd twelve hour shift I can't even be arsed to pretend it's funny anymore.

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JimCarreysMask · 10/12/2021 05:01

‘Or another popular one, 'the GP gave me your number as my mother/father/aunt (etc) needs to go into a care home right NOW' - and 9/10 times it's a either health need not a social one or the person is nowhere near care home ready.’

The above is what has annoyed me about the OP. My gran was completely failed by social care and she never got into a home until way too late. And it was a terrible one. Cant go into details (outing). But all they phone calls for months to get more care and not get it to then have her die in such a terrible situation, and it feels like a kick in the teeth to hear SW just think it’s a stock phrase. Is that why bugger all gets done? Because while we were tearing our hair out and living through hell trying to get help, people were bored of hearing it? I was mildly irritated by the OP, I’m more angry at the posters saying lighten up or get a sense of humour. I was ill with the stress of it. I’m not over it and it’s not funny in the least.

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toconclude · 09/12/2021 21:05

@flymetotheloon

Wow.

What an unprofessional post from a SW bitching about the things that clients say.

Especially given recent news events.

Ever heard of confidentiality?

Oh for God's sake. How will any of that breach confidentiality? Social workers never allowed to complain? Rubbish.
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toconclude · 09/12/2021 21:00

@saywhatagain

I'm an adult social worker and I hear words to the tune of 'X never visits/helps because they have their own lives' many times a month.

Another popular one is 'I've worked all my life and now I have to pay, but if I'd sat on my arse my whole life / was an immigrant (etc) I'd get it all for free'.

Or another popular one, 'the GP gave me your number as my mother/father/aunt (etc) needs to go into a care home right NOW' - and 9/10 times it's a either health need not a social one or the person is nowhere near care home ready.

Tell me yours for your job, make me feel better about the Groundhog Day that my job is at the moment?

All of the above! Also an adult's social worker ☺️
Another favourite is "but the doctor says..." Something painfully ignorant about social care usually.
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RedWingBoots · 09/12/2021 18:46

@Rachie1973 I quickly worked out the person I was helping was a piece of work as they tended to have absolutely no-one to help them to do simple things.

The ones who had people helping them even if it wasn't their own children so it would be step-children who they didn't meet until the children were adults, cousins, neighbours and friends, particularly younger friends, tended to be lovely.

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iloveeverykindofcat · 09/12/2021 16:02

@IamtheDevilsAvocado that is true, how someone behaves to 'outsiders' doesn't necessarily reflect how they treat their family in any way. I saw that with my grandmother to her children. I wouldn't go so far as to say she was abusive but she could be quite nasty and sometimes deliberately spiteful. Very very inflexible and difficult, it was her way or the highway always. To anyone outside the family she was the picture of ladylike politeness and accomodation. As she got older these patterns intensified.

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GattioAnyone · 09/12/2021 14:52

It's maybe interesting if you can flip that idea that it's a repetitive, hackneyed phrase to think what is the person trying to communicate.
The example that sprang to my mind was that for some people the "oh that must be so rewarding" may be expressing that their own life is missing meaningful work.
Just a thought to cope with feelings of irritation.

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NdujaWannaDance · 09/12/2021 14:48

notacooldad

I understand what you mean. Being able to help a child a little in very difficult circumstances maybe a 'reward' of sorts, I suppose, but it's nothing compared to the traumas and challenges of having to face up to what they go through in the first place.

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notacooldad · 09/12/2021 14:31

I work in children's services, not as a sw or carer but I get really fed up if people saying to me ' oh, i bet you find it so rewarding' when they ask me what my job is. It's a hard one to answer because im not sure how to define rewarding with regard to my work.! I enjoy my job, it is very challenging at times, sometimes I get emotionally upset,I have a laugh with both my colleagues and the people I work with but once I get home I hardly give it another thought and switch off and go into my other life mode!
However the 'must be so rewarding' remark is nearly always the comment I hear when I meet new people and they ask about my job!

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IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/12/2021 13:24

@NdujaWannaDance

I'm on a facebook group for the local area where I have my holiday home in another country. There are lots of British expats living there and have been for the last 20 years or more. It's a rural area.

One woman is widowed and in her 70s, doesn't drive, has few friends and speaks barely any of the language in spite of having been there quite a few years as far as I can tell.

She often posts that she is lonely and completely isolated, particularly during the Covid lockdowns. She often asks for help and advice on getting practical things done which are difficult for her given everything I've said above. Mostly she just says 'are their any people out there near XXX town jwho would be willing to just meet for coffee and a chat sometimes?'

It's very sad. But when someone asked 'do you have any family or children who could help with that?' She replied 'None that speak to me any more.'

You have to ask what on earth has gone on there when a lonely old lady struggling in a foreign country, especially during Covid, obviously has children and a family but none of them speak to her.

Yes... And of course, and the issue could be on either, or both sides...

I have two 40 something pals, both with elderly single /widowed fathers... Both very low contact....

They présent as very charming pleasant men... Who consistently emotionally /physically abused their daughters /grandchildren... One of them was implicated in some very dodgy dealings with people you really wouldn't want round you.

I'm sure these old men's neighbours /communities think their daughters are completely heartless and thoughtless selfish women.

I know differently.
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NdujaWannaDance · 09/12/2021 08:38

I'm on a facebook group for the local area where I have my holiday home in another country. There are lots of British expats living there and have been for the last 20 years or more. It's a rural area.

One woman is widowed and in her 70s, doesn't drive, has few friends and speaks barely any of the language in spite of having been there quite a few years as far as I can tell.

She often posts that she is lonely and completely isolated, particularly during the Covid lockdowns. She often asks for help and advice on getting practical things done which are difficult for her given everything I've said above. Mostly she just says 'are their any people out there near XXX town jwho would be willing to just meet for coffee and a chat sometimes?'

It's very sad. But when someone asked 'do you have any family or children who could help with that?' She replied 'None that speak to me any more.'

You have to ask what on earth has gone on there when a lonely old lady struggling in a foreign country, especially during Covid, obviously has children and a family but none of them speak to her.

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NdujaWannaDance · 09/12/2021 08:22

...she is questioning the fact that as older people they accept that their family don't visit or look after them or simply want them to be put away in a home.

The problem is, as many on this thread have stated, that there are plenty of elderly people capable of giving that impression when in fact t its a/ not true or b/ there are very good reasons for them not visiting or being unable to take on the role of carer.

This is only going to get worse and worse as the elderly live longer, families move around the country or the world rather than staying in one area their whole lives, most couples find that two of them need to work full time just to have a reasonable standard of living, retirement ages are going up and increasingly people are choosing to start their families well into their 30s or even their 40s.

In previous generations, a person would have been much more able to care for an elderly parent themselves. They would have retired younger, a couple could manage on one income, eaning both didn't have to work, and their own children were pretty self sufficient and had probably left home by the time their parents were in their fifties.

That's not happening now and it's only going to get worse.

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Mothership4two · 09/12/2021 08:14

@Mickarooni

Gosh, some of you would lose your shit if you saw how many forums and Facebook pages are dedicated solely for medics and health and social care professionals to vent about their work! Believe me, they’re nothing like the OP. There is some dark, dark humour

I know from my previous life (pre social media) that doctors and special needs specialists and teachers can use very very black humour. Seen/heard about it from friends and family in the Armed Forces and Police also. Think it's a coping mechanism and certainly not used to target anyone or any group. The whole point is it is a conversation between like-minded people who work in the same sphere.

Obviously entirely separate to this thread and what OP intended (IMO)

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Mothership4two · 09/12/2021 07:55

Thanks @Snugglepumpkin not as sordid as I thought!

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Mothership4two · 09/12/2021 07:53

@Volhhg

People who cheer when someone breaks a glass in a bar.

Yep and say "sack the juggler". May be a naval saying, but I've heard it a lot and makes my eyes roll now independently of my brain

Grin

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LadyJJ · 08/12/2021 21:49

Working in hospital department that has a skeleton displayed for educational purposes.
Patients-'he's looking skinny/needs a burger/Working him too hard/tasteless eating disorder comment'

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Skyll · 08/12/2021 21:26

Well I’m appalled at that.

Way to bully the vulnerable.

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Mickarooni · 08/12/2021 21:21

” But those pages won’t have the service users on them. They’re for the people involved to vent. This is a website that has a lot of people who are the clients of the SW and that makes it not really the same as a FB group”

@Skyll
They’re not closed groups. There are even Facebook pages and Instagram ones that are open for everyone.

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Allycott · 08/12/2021 21:07

@Velvian

"They've worked all their life..." is one that really gets me. Quite often the person is in their 90s and had 30 years of state pension and other benefits.

Yes ....that they have worked for!! Potentially for 50 years. FFS
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LolaSmiles · 08/12/2021 20:32

I hate the "they're not like that for me" line GinJeanie. It's usually said by people who rely on poor boundaries with students and think that the students really get them .


I have had many a moment where I've thought to myself "they're not like that for me", but would never dream of saying it and usually what I mean by that thought is "have you tried outlining clear expectations and following the behaviour policy instead of trying to get them on side by being matey?"

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GinJeanie · 08/12/2021 18:29

Apologies if this one's been done. As a teacher, I've come across this one a few times in my career. There's a certain breed of teacher/TA who likes to think they're the only ones who can handle challenging behaviour. A favourite saying is, "oh, they're not like that for me!" when talking about a class or individual pupil 🙄.

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