To never send MIL photos again?

[babybrain77]

This is actually a AIBU for DH.

DH feels extremely strongly about photos of the kids on social media. He has worked in cyber security and always knew that he didn't want pictures of his kids online (including shared by non secure message like whatsapp). It's been a pain in the backside, but I have supported him on it - never send pictures around or posted them anywhere. He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored. He set this up for anyone who wanted it and we've managed fine for 3 years.

MIL didnt want to use the app. So we have been printing off and giving her pictures of the kids whenever we see her, and also sending regular pictures in the post during lockdown.

DH recently sent a family friend a message congratulating them on the birth of a grandchild. The family friend replied saying thank you and "it has been so lovely watching your kids grow up from afar" (they live in Australia).

DH doesn't have Facebook so I searched for his mum (we aren't Facebook friends - I also don't really use it). His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

DH has explicitly explained why he doesn't want pictures online to his mum. He confronted her about it and she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids". He is spitting mad and has said he will never give her another picture, to which she has kicked off massively. IHBU?

When you send her the photos do you tell her that she can not share or allow anyone else to look at them ?

I am with your mother on this one. How dare she!

Report every single photo to Facebook and get them deleted. Let the fucking idiot stew in her own stupidity.

She completely disrespected your wishes. I would not be giving her anymore pictures.

Your husband sounds a tad excessive but in the course of time I sure he will be proved right for his caution.
In any case she completely disregarded his wishes and to not apologise just showed she won't stop.

I wouldn't send her picture again either.

She is being hugely unreasonable and I would feel the same as he does!

Side note but in what way isn't WhatsApp secure? It's encrypted isn't it?
Pretty sure there are cases where police haven't been able to access WhatsApp for evidence?

(Your husbands paranoia about texting photos is a whole other thread!)

But yes rude of your MIL if she has expressly been asked to do this

I can absolutely see why he is furious. She knew that you didn't want to share photos online and did so deliberately. Yes they are her grandchildren but you're their parents and your wishes trump hers.

If I were your husband I'd really struggle to trust her in future and such a break in trust would be incredibly difficult to overcome.

She can use the app or no pics.

I'm with your DH on this. It is plain nasty to disregard his explicit wishes.

I think your MIL is BU! I'm with your DH, I think the social media sharing of DC photos is a problem.

Your DH is trying to protect your DC (from something he's got lots of experience in from his job!) and your MIL, knowing this, has directly gone against these wishes and secretly for years been posting photos of your DC. I'd be fuming too! Lord knows who's seen them / shared them etc against your wishes.

She doesn't have a right to "show off" her grandchildren. She's forfeited any sort of "right" she could have imagined she had by going against your wishes.

IMO you need to support your DH on this.

@Anordinarymum right from the get-go, it has been no photos online (including WhatsApp, FB messenger etc.) The physical pictures she has obviously been welcome to show to other people who she sees. If she had wanted to, I don't think DH would have minded her posting pictures to family or friends abroad (or he would happily have set up the secure app for them). It's the having the pictures online which bothers him.

Your MIL is being very unreasonable. They are not her children, and she has disrespected the wishes of the children's parents.

Never send her another photo.

Your husband knows exactly what can and does happen to photos of children online. He works in cyber security, FFS.

Does she not understand the privacy settings or does she just not give a fuck?

I think your dh is over strict but then that’s his choice and she’s disrespected him.

He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored.

Does it prevent people from screen shotting the image?

She's made her choice(since she knew it was exactly the opposite of what you wanted). Consequences are no pictures sent and if she tries to take any of your DCs in person, hand over camera "Now MIL you know not to take any pictures since we can't trust what you'll do with them". Especially with your DH working in security I'd say he's seen exactly what can happen in the worst case scenario.

@babybrain77

Your husband is right to do whatever he needs to in order that protect your children - especially over the internet.

His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

She's been deceitful as well as naive, not securing her social media properly. 🌹

You know anyone can see your kids 'for real' in the street, at the park, at the swimming pool, at the beach.....They don't need to search on SM they can just walk down the street. Much more dangerous for 15 year olds to be on social media than parents putting up pictures of their kids IMO - but are you really going to stop your 15 year old from going on any SM?

That said, it is wrong of your MIL to put up pictures when she knows you don't want them up, that is very disrespectful. It's up to both of you of course what you do but you know you can't trust her on this. I'm guessing though that nothing detrimental has actually happened to your children as a result of her putting them up? Knowing that all those pics are already out there is it worth stopping sending them now?

MIL was hugely out of order.

It doesn’t matter whether we think your DH’s locked down approach is reasonable. The point is it is a decision he made as a parent, informed or influenced by his job.

She was offered the secure app and declined.

She had no right to spread the pictures far and wide.

I HATED my ILs endless uploading and tagging with no privacy settings, and all sorts of info, revealing dates people would be away from home (hello! Burglar!), kids schools etc etc. I made myself unpopular over it, but by and large they respected it in the end.

I mean your DH does sound over the top.
What’s he going to do when they’re 13 and get snap chat and Instagram. But that’s another thread.

Fine to get the photos taken down and not send her anymore. That’s his choice, it’s his mum.

But you might want to have a gentle word with him that he’s going to struggle in life banning them even as children having any presence online themselves or via friends.

Do report to Facebook and have them all deleted. If she loses her page, tough!

Your husband sounds a bit excessive but the fact is that MIL is aware of your wishes and has purposely ignored them. She doesn't get any more photos.

Your DH has every right to be fuming, as long as it’s always been clear to her that pictures should stay offline.

I wouldn’t send her another photo, and I wouldn’t even want to talk to her until she has removed all of them from her FB.

She was expressly asked not to do something and she has deliberately gone against your wishes in the full knowledge that you would disapprove if you knew. So, no more photos sent to her until she apologises and assures you that she will never do this again.

Also her lack of apology is outrageous. She clearly won’t stop, so that’s that. She’s made her bed.