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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never send MIL photos again?

339 replies

babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 16:48

This is actually a AIBU for DH.

DH feels extremely strongly about photos of the kids on social media. He has worked in cyber security and always knew that he didn't want pictures of his kids online (including shared by non secure message like whatsapp). It's been a pain in the backside, but I have supported him on it - never send pictures around or posted them anywhere. He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored. He set this up for anyone who wanted it and we've managed fine for 3 years.

MIL didnt want to use the app. So we have been printing off and giving her pictures of the kids whenever we see her, and also sending regular pictures in the post during lockdown.

DH recently sent a family friend a message congratulating them on the birth of a grandchild. The family friend replied saying thank you and "it has been so lovely watching your kids grow up from afar" (they live in Australia).

DH doesn't have Facebook so I searched for his mum (we aren't Facebook friends - I also don't really use it). His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

DH has explicitly explained why he doesn't want pictures online to his mum. He confronted her about it and she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids". He is spitting mad and has said he will never give her another picture, to which she has kicked off massively. IHBU?

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/12/2021 17:44

How extreme is your other half OP- would he ask people not to take pics at birthday parties they are invited to? I don’t splash my kids faces all over Social media but equally accept some inevitability.

godmum56 · 07/12/2021 17:44

@ModelMinnie

What "bad thing" do you think will happen, because some granny with about 10 friends (who she knows personally), has uploaded some photo's of her Grandkids?

Are people really that naive? Admittedly I work in IT, but do you honestly not understand what can happen in situations like this if you freely upload personal data / images to a privately owned, foreign-owned social media platform whose main aim is to make money from the data you're sharing?

Wow.

I was involved in a situation some years ago where someone conned people into posting photos of themselves online which he then edited to show them performing fairly unpleasant acts on each other using other bodies. It wasn't pleasant but at least they were adults and this was some years ago when people were less knowledgeable. Imagine using photos of children to do such things?
Missrabbitt · 07/12/2021 17:45

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored.

Does it prevent people from screen shotting the image?

This isn’t the point though surely? They sent pictures to people they thought they could trust in a way that was secure from hackers etc…
Fl0w3ry · 07/12/2021 17:45

We are LC with my in-laws for this reason. They have been arses in lots and lots of ways, but it was the final straw for us. They also do not get given any photos anymore. It had to be LC because stopping giving them photos didn’t work because they took their own and uploaded them to their open social media pages instead.
I think when you feel so strongly about photos of your children and people blatantly ignore your wishes multiple times you have to come down on them hard.

SickAndTiredAgain · 07/12/2021 17:45

Your MIL is very unreasonable.

Your husband does sound a little excessive, is there really a huge danger in sending a picture on WhatsApp? But that’s not really relevant as it’s clearly something very important to him that you have also agreed to so she should respect that.

Hopefullywaiting01234 · 07/12/2021 17:46

I would think it different if she had maybe sent her friends/family in Australia pictures via WhatsApp or text thinking it would be secure to an extent (I know people who don’t post pics of kids on social media but assume WhatsApp is safe enough)

but I think posting them on a clearly open internet page like facebook is pretty outrageous when she has been told not to and when you and your DH have not uploaded any

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 07/12/2021 17:47

This isn’t the point though surely? They sent pictures to people they thought they could trust in a way that was secure from hackers etc

@Missrabbitt
I’m actually just wanting to Know what the app is if it has this function.

REP22 · 07/12/2021 17:47

Absolutely not being unreasonable.

I know that there are plenty of people who overshare massively on social media and seem to thrive on living their lives like an open wound on Facebook.

MiL knows of your DH's concerns as she refused to use the secure app and has accepted printed copies of the pictures. She had absolutely no right to go against the reasonable concerns and requests of your DH. Massively disrespectful.

I would also consider reporting the pictures to FB and asking that they be taken down, though I would give her the option to do that first herself. And as for "I have to be able to show off my grandkids" - social media is a relatively recent thing. If your grandchildren were born in the 1980s would she be happy photocopying hundreds of photographs and putting them up on walls and lamp-posts all over the place by hand? Probably not. No--one "has to" show off pictures, whether to close friends or online strangers. And what about your DC? I'm guessing that they are under 3 from your post but if they were older, how would they feel about hundreds of pictures of themselves being sent for anyone to see? I probably wouldn't like it.

I used to have quite a popular blog with lots of regulars and visitors. But never, ever, were identifying personal details or photos of family members uploaded. I completely understand why your DH is livid.

I wouldn't be sending any more photos.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/12/2021 17:49

Not just one or two photos either but hundreds. I'd have hit the roof.

Bitofachinwag · 07/12/2021 17:49

@Tal45

You know anyone can see your kids 'for real' in the street, at the park, at the swimming pool, at the beach.....They don't need to search on SM they can just walk down the street. Much more dangerous for 15 year olds to be on social media than parents putting up pictures of their kids IMO - but are you really going to stop your 15 year old from going on any SM?

That said, it is wrong of your MIL to put up pictures when she knows you don't want them up, that is very disrespectful. It's up to both of you of course what you do but you know you can't trust her on this. I'm guessing though that nothing detrimental has actually happened to your children as a result of her putting them up? Knowing that all those pics are already out there is it worth stopping sending them now?

Hmm do you post photos of your children on- line? If you think it's the same as seeing your children walk down the street why do you bother taking and posting photos when people can just as well look at your children in the street?
Shoxfordian · 07/12/2021 17:50

Mil knows your views and has totally ignored them

Your dh is not unreasonable at all

NotTerfNorCis · 07/12/2021 17:50

That's really tough. Awful for her not to be sent photos, but awful for you when she's putting them online against your wishes. Maybe if you stopped sending them for a while, she'd get the message.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/12/2021 17:51

I'm team DH all the way.

No more pictures to MiL as she plainly doesn't give a fig for your concerns.
Report the FB account for breach of privacy having posted multiple images of a young child intentional against parental consent and tell them to remove them. With any luck her account will be banned if she does it again.

tara66 · 07/12/2021 17:52

Does she not know about the dangers of doing this - is she just very stupid and ignorant?

NewbieAlert · 07/12/2021 17:52

I would also be furious.
I’d love to share photos of my DC online but made a joint decision with DH to protect their privacy. For us, this extended to all social media - private or not.

To find out she knew about this and went ahead anyway. Not one or two snaps but years of the child’s life? With no privacy settings?! She wouldn’t be getting another photo from me either.

Chloemol · 07/12/2021 17:54

I would not be sending her any more pictures

Nor would I be adding her to the secure app

Nor would she be ever looking after them as it’s obvious she won’t respect boundaries

Nellesbelles · 07/12/2021 17:54

Regardless of whether she agrees with your husband's views or not, your MIL completely disrespected your wishes as parents and for that I would definitely not be sending her any more photos. HINBU

Kerplunkk · 07/12/2021 17:55

With your husband on this one! Regardless of what she thinks about SM she has directly ignored his parenting rules!

Interested in knowing what the secure app is?
I don’t post photos of DC on SM but do use WhatsApp to send photos to overseas family members.

Also to anyone that works/has worked in cyber security what are your main reasons for not posting pics of DC, I don’t post of my DC as one of them reached an age where they didn’t want me to post anymore and I subsequently deleted all pics I’d ever posted of them, but I’d be interested to hear from a security point of view?

Lockdownbear · 07/12/2021 17:56

YANBU. And watch out for MIL taking photos, you'll have even less control.

I don't trust my MIL with photos either. That I try to limit what she takes.

BrilliantBetty · 07/12/2021 17:57

No more pictures ever again.
And if I was him I would not be speaking to her until it has all calmed down and he is less angry. What she has done is a serious betrayal of trust, she clearly has no respect at all for his principles and feeling.
How can he pretend to be friendly with her now - she doesn't deserve it.

cereallover · 07/12/2021 17:58

Agree with your husband. I only post pics of the back of my sons head and very rarely.

Almostmenopausal · 07/12/2021 17:58

Unsure why your children are so protected that nobody is permitted to see them? Are you royalty? Genuine question. That's the only reason I can see for refusing to use an encrypted messaging service like WhatsApp. Do your kids not leave the house for fear of people seeing their faces? That's not healthy at all Hmm

dogfishman · 07/12/2021 18:02

Your MiL is deceitful and/or idiotic, and shouldn't get any more photos for a good while. And IMO your husband is paranoid, as the chances of abuse resulting from sending normal family photos on WhatsApp are peanuts.

Cyrilgoggin · 07/12/2021 18:02

I would never post pictures of my DGC, or anyone's children, on social media. They're not my children, so I wouldn't dream of doing so. It's for the parents to decide what pictures of their children should be shared. No-one else.

dogfishman · 07/12/2021 18:03

cereallover no doubt the back of your son's head is a beautiful thing but I think very occasional pictures of it will be fine :)