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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never send MIL photos again?

339 replies

babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 16:48

This is actually a AIBU for DH.

DH feels extremely strongly about photos of the kids on social media. He has worked in cyber security and always knew that he didn't want pictures of his kids online (including shared by non secure message like whatsapp). It's been a pain in the backside, but I have supported him on it - never send pictures around or posted them anywhere. He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored. He set this up for anyone who wanted it and we've managed fine for 3 years.

MIL didnt want to use the app. So we have been printing off and giving her pictures of the kids whenever we see her, and also sending regular pictures in the post during lockdown.

DH recently sent a family friend a message congratulating them on the birth of a grandchild. The family friend replied saying thank you and "it has been so lovely watching your kids grow up from afar" (they live in Australia).

DH doesn't have Facebook so I searched for his mum (we aren't Facebook friends - I also don't really use it). His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

DH has explicitly explained why he doesn't want pictures online to his mum. He confronted her about it and she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids". He is spitting mad and has said he will never give her another picture, to which she has kicked off massively. IHBU?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/12/2021 17:24

... she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids"

I'd say you've got your answer right there, OP; send her any more and you know exactly what she'll do with them (though she might ask the recipients to keep it quiet)

Nocutenamesleft · 07/12/2021 17:24

I also now work in cyber security

I also don’t have facebook. Nor do I EVER allow people to post pictures of my kids on social media.

I would t ever send a photo again. End of.

PleasantBirthday · 07/12/2021 17:24

She really does need to respect his wishes, even if she doesn't really understand the harm (and I'm guessing she doesn't really understand and genuinely doesn't mean to cause any harm or upset).

If she is going to get pictures of the children, she must listen to his requests.

Orchidflower1 · 07/12/2021 17:25

The thing is @babybrain77 it’s irrelevant what your MIL has done. The fact of the matter is she’s gone against safety precautions your dh has asked for. It doesn’t matter whether she’d driven up the M4 with the child on her lap, fed dc raw pork or taken dc to an MMA fight. SHE BLATANTLY DISREGARDED SPECIFIC SAFETY REQUIREMENTS ERGO NO PHOTOS UNTIL CHILD IS OLD ENOUGH TO SAY SHE CAN HAVE THEM!

ModelMinnie · 07/12/2021 17:25

Work in IT here. Worked close enough to cyber security and social media platforms to be considered paranoid by my own family re: what I will and won't post of my DC online.

We have similar rules, albeit less strict than your DH. (No public photos on social media, no sharing private images on insecure platforms, etc)

Your DH is a tad excessive for my practical view... but it's not up to me.

And it's not up to your MIL.

She's gone far beyond what's acceptable here - they're not her boundaries to define.

Back your DH on this one, definitely.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/12/2021 17:26

I'm totally with your husband and I'd be reporting every single photograph.

It is a massive gift to give your child a blank slate on social medial until they are an adult and can make their own decisions.

Maray1967 · 07/12/2021 17:27

I post no pics of DC online and would never allow anyone else to do so in a way that could identify them. Your MIL is totally out of order and if she was mine ( not that mine would do that) she would never get a photo from us again.
DC have a right to anonymity online. It’s as simple as that. And to the PP who asked what your DH will do when your DC is 13 my response is that it will be a conversation to have then. My DS 2 (13) posts no pics online. DS1 (21) does not use Facebook and is cautious what he uploads. He’s an adult and makes his own decisions.
I’ve never regretted this stance. They have the right to be anonymous online. I’m no expert on cyber security and dangers to kids online but I would imagine that some people would use images of kids online for less than pleasant things.
I’m in my 50s and to be honest don’t see why anyone needs to live their lives on Facebook etc. I show photos to people I see in real life who would like to see them, give hard copies to family, and that’s it.

Suzanne999 · 07/12/2021 17:28

MIL is totally wrong.
She knew you and your husband didn’t want photos online and should have respected that completely.

Malibuismysecrethome · 07/12/2021 17:29

I think he should explain his reasons and be more explicit if he is that annoyed. Personally I think it is controlling of him but I’m not an IT or cyber crime expert.

EmpressCixi · 07/12/2021 17:30

@BlondeDogLady

I never understand this. What "bad thing" do you think will happen, because some granny with about 10 friends (who she knows personally), has uploaded some photo's of her Grandkids?
Identify theft. Discrimination for university places, jobs, etc.

www.forbes.com/sites/jessicabaron/2018/12/16/parents-who-post-about-their-kids-online-could-be-damaging-their-futures/?sh=4cce954e27b7

evtheria · 07/12/2021 17:30

I’ve voted Not Unreasonable. She knew how you & DH run things in your family and went out of her way to ignore it.

What’s the app you use?

TheOccupier · 07/12/2021 17:30

MIL has been out of order but your DH sounds intolerably paranoid. Nobody is that interested in pictures of your children. People who want images of children for sinister reasons will have no trouble finding exactly what they want online without stalking your MIL's Facebook.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/12/2021 17:31

If she is going to get pictures of the children, she must listen to his requests

It's a bit back to front though isn't it? The DH has already made their boundaries clear and MIL's stomped all over them - and worse, shrugged and thrown a mardy when caught out

As so many have said, it doesn't matter a stuff what we all think about the posting ban; they're the parents and it's their decision to make (and since it sounds as if they see MIL pretty regularly, it's not as if she's missing out on seeing the GC)

PleasantBirthday · 07/12/2021 17:33

@Puzzledandpissedoff

If she is going to get pictures of the children, she must listen to his requests

It's a bit back to front though isn't it? The DH has already made their boundaries clear and MIL's stomped all over them - and worse, shrugged and thrown a mardy when caught out

As so many have said, it doesn't matter a stuff what we all think about the posting ban; they're the parents and it's their decision to make (and since it sounds as if they see MIL pretty regularly, it's not as if she's missing out on seeing the GC)

Well, I was thinking more of next week than last week, to be honest.
VeganCheesePlease · 07/12/2021 17:33

It doesn't matter what is or isn't more or less secure. Your DH made a very simple, reasonable request for no pics of the kids on social media and his mum has decided to ignore it and proceed. She's very unreasonable, even though there was no mal intent.

RedToothBrush · 07/12/2021 17:35

I have gone nuts over a not that disimilar situation.

I would go NC over it if I was your DH tbh.

Lalliella · 07/12/2021 17:35

@BlondeDogLady

I never understand this. What "bad thing" do you think will happen, because some granny with about 10 friends (who she knows personally), has uploaded some photo's of her Grandkids?
She has no privacy settings on. OP was able to see the photos when she wasn’t FB friends with her. The whole world can see those photos.
BlondeDogLady · 07/12/2021 17:36

What are his reasons? Genuine question, because I don't understand the problem. I'm not a Nanna yet, but will be within the next few years, and I'd be so disappointed if my children told me that I couldn't send photo's of my grandchildren to my life long friends. I mean, why?

2WeeksTillChristmas · 07/12/2021 17:38

Report to facebook and get her account deleted

ModelMinnie · 07/12/2021 17:38

What "bad thing" do you think will happen, because some granny with about 10 friends (who she knows personally), has uploaded some photo's of her Grandkids?

Are people really that naive? Admittedly I work in IT, but do you honestly not understand what can happen in situations like this if you freely upload personal data / images to a privately owned, foreign-owned social media platform whose main aim is to make money from the data you're sharing?

Wow.

EmpressCixi · 07/12/2021 17:39

@TheOccupier

MIL has been out of order but your DH sounds intolerably paranoid. Nobody is that interested in pictures of your children. People who want images of children for sinister reasons will have no trouble finding exactly what they want online without stalking your MIL's Facebook.
But why make your children a potential target? No one thinks it will happen to them. www.huffpost.com/entry/utah-mom-kids-facebook-photos-porn-sites_n_7213040
ArabellaScott · 07/12/2021 17:39

I'm not surprised he's angry!

Not even just the deceit, but the stupidity of sharing images with no restrictions ...

prsphne · 07/12/2021 17:40

Regardless of security, there is also consent of children to consider. I’m glad that as a professional that there are no embarrassing or personal childhood photos online for my contacts to find other than those I was comfortable sharing on social media.

So while people can see your children anywhere, and even take pictures of them in real life, parents are ENTIRELY reasonable to not actively share pictures of their children on SM and family members should absolutely reflect that.

So whatever OP DH’s reasons are, they’re sort of irrelevant, it’s up to the parent and if I were you I would stop sharing the photos with your MIL.

MajesticElephant · 07/12/2021 17:41

I have a very similar situation re family member who works in cyber security and we are exactly the same as your husband - no electronic copies of photos are posted/sent/texted etc. ever. Received a tonne of crap from people who are getting defensive about their own decision. I don’t judge - just don’t fuck with my boundaries and I won’t with yours. Your MIL is out of line and your husband is right, no more pics, ever.

Gretaburley · 07/12/2021 17:41

@Nocutenamesleft

I also now work in cyber security

I also don’t have facebook. Nor do I EVER allow people to post pictures of my kids on social media.

I would t ever send a photo again. End of.

My dn is the same. When his dc was born we got a sweet, private messenger pic of just his little feet.
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