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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never send MIL photos again?

339 replies

babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 16:48

This is actually a AIBU for DH.

DH feels extremely strongly about photos of the kids on social media. He has worked in cyber security and always knew that he didn't want pictures of his kids online (including shared by non secure message like whatsapp). It's been a pain in the backside, but I have supported him on it - never send pictures around or posted them anywhere. He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored. He set this up for anyone who wanted it and we've managed fine for 3 years.

MIL didnt want to use the app. So we have been printing off and giving her pictures of the kids whenever we see her, and also sending regular pictures in the post during lockdown.

DH recently sent a family friend a message congratulating them on the birth of a grandchild. The family friend replied saying thank you and "it has been so lovely watching your kids grow up from afar" (they live in Australia).

DH doesn't have Facebook so I searched for his mum (we aren't Facebook friends - I also don't really use it). His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

DH has explicitly explained why he doesn't want pictures online to his mum. He confronted her about it and she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids". He is spitting mad and has said he will never give her another picture, to which she has kicked off massively. IHBU?

OP posts:
Lorriestakingppe · 07/12/2021 18:05

I am a bit baffled too. My DC's are mid teens now and I put the odd picture up set on friends only. There must be literally billions of photos on line, why would anyone be bothered about my boring family at the park or whatever? Intrigued to know....

Lorriestakingppe · 07/12/2021 18:05

Yeah back of head? I mean HmmConfused

lesenfantsdelesperance · 07/12/2021 18:07

@Thursdaymiami

I mean your DH does sound over the top. What’s he going to do when they’re 13 and get snap chat and Instagram. But that’s another thread.

Fine to get the photos taken down and not send her anymore. That’s his choice, it’s his mum.

But you might want to have a gentle word with him that he’s going to struggle in life banning them even as children having any presence online themselves or via friends.

Don't be ridiculous. You MUST be able to see that it is not the same thing when it is them sharing their image. It's totally different. I don't share my kids' image on line, precisely because it's theirs, not mine.
1forAll74 · 07/12/2021 18:11

Your MIL has acted stupidly, to go against your wishes, I would be totally with your Husband regarding this issue..

Dalooah · 07/12/2021 18:11

I think definitely not being unreasonable on this one. I don't like have the DCs photos on SM/online either but not as strict as your DH- he should be commended though- it's definitely not easy in this day and age.
Could you share what app he considers is safe and secure and maybe we could start using jt too?

Plutonium7000 · 07/12/2021 18:13

My next door neighbour is in the same line of work as your husband and is of the same opinion.

You MIL has been deceitful.

He is absolutely NOT being unreasonable

Bigfathairyones · 07/12/2021 18:15

And cue MIL now taking loads of photos at family gatherings instead...

stormy11 · 07/12/2021 18:22

What is the app called please op?

Original poster
babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 18:23

When you send pictures on WhatsApp, the image is on the recipient's phone. Often people have their phone set to backup to the cloud, at which point that image becomes part of the data packet held by big tech. Since we don't pay for any of these services we use, the data is the "product" and we lose all control of it (dummed down explanation for me!)

For those who have asked what we'll do when they are older (they are currently 3 and 1) - that's a bridge we will cross closer to the time. DH's hope and concern was that we would provide them with the same starting point that our generation had - the choice of what to share and when at a point where they were old enough to give informed consent to the sharing of their data.

The app we use is Wickr. You can prevent screenshotting and the data is automatically "burned" after a set period of time.

OP posts:
PurBal · 07/12/2021 18:24

We do use WhatsApp but we also have no photos on social media. I would be soooo upset. We made the decision for similar reasons, DH doesn’t have SM accounts and we didn’t want that for DS. Side note: I’m convinced we’ll see parents being sued by their kids for over sharing one of these days.

Nancydrawn · 07/12/2021 18:24

I will never understand people who think their desire to be admired for having grandchildren trumps the wishes of the parents or the privacy of the children.

I also agree with a PP that it wasn't just that she was sending them privately to her relatives in Australia, which might be against your security plan but at least private--she was making them as visible and as public as possible, all for her own ego.

It's gross and selfish, and I'd not trust her with a photo again.

fabricfanatic · 07/12/2021 18:24

MIL shouldn't have done that, of course, but honestly, I don't understand people with your husband's point of view. We live in a digital age. Everyone's in photos online... It's inevitable! As long as they aren't embarrassing photos and one doesn't have a stalker trying to track one's location, I don't see the issue.

What does your husband think will happen as a result of normal, average photos of your children being online? He really needs to get over this, imo, but again, your MIL was absolutely wrong to go against his (silly) wishes.

Bee4229 · 07/12/2021 18:25

Although I don't share the same views as your dh (although maybe I should) YANBU. They are your children, so this is always yours and dh's call. I can relate somewhat. I do post photos of my kids but I don't have many fb friends and only people I know BUT dm has thousands of fb facebooks, people she barely knows if at all and she has shared photos of my kids before. Infuriates me! So I can sympathise.

The only thing to do is stop the photos unless she stops this.

yourestandingonmyneck · 07/12/2021 18:26

@Nocutenamesleft

I also now work in cyber security

I also don’t have facebook. Nor do I EVER allow people to post pictures of my kids on social media.

I would t ever send a photo again. End of.

Can I ask why?

I understand about not posting photos of kids / babies undressed / using the potty etc.

But what is the problem with photos of fully clothed kids online?

(I don't really post photos of my kids online, and I am wary of "oversharing" as they may find it embarrassing as they get older; but from a safety point of view what is the risk?)

HollowTalk · 07/12/2021 18:26

My sister-in-law lives down south and I am in the north. Are you suggesting that she shouldn't be able to text me photos of her new grandchild?

Is your husband just objecting to photos being on social media or actually sending any digitally at all?

MaHBroon · 07/12/2021 18:28

@ModelMinnie

What "bad thing" do you think will happen, because some granny with about 10 friends (who she knows personally), has uploaded some photo's of her Grandkids?

Are people really that naive? Admittedly I work in IT, but do you honestly not understand what can happen in situations like this if you freely upload personal data / images to a privately owned, foreign-owned social media platform whose main aim is to make money from the data you're sharing?

Wow.

Yes. I’m that naive.

I will say however that I’m given free reign with my grandchildren and because of that if my children ever said please don’t do x y or z with the children I would listen to them and make sure I never did it.

I genuinely don’t have a clue about cyberspace or things internet related except at a very basic level.

Original poster
babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 18:28

I don't think the concern is the images being put to dark uses (although I'm sure there's an element of that), so much as a desire for the kids not to have an enormous data profile associated with them before they are old enough to consent.

OP posts:
Unihorn · 07/12/2021 18:28

@Lorriestakingppe

I am a bit baffled too. My DC's are mid teens now and I put the odd picture up set on friends only. There must be literally billions of photos on line, why would anyone be bothered about my boring family at the park or whatever? Intrigued to know....
Paedophiles can doctor publicly available images of children and sell them. Putting images, full names, dates of birth, relative names etc of children online creates the perfect opportunity for identity theft. False legal documents are sold for thousands.

Wickr is used by criminals to exchange information so is pretty secure Grin

BungleandGeorge · 07/12/2021 18:29

When making an assessment I think you have to consider the negative side of not ever allowing people to see photos. Not allowing people to have any pics at school or hobbies because you don’t want your child on line and that affects the entire group. Consider the likelihood of people getting hold of your pics- which obviously varies depending on whether they’re on fb with no security or whatsapp with encryption etc. Think about what shots they are. Anyone can take a picture of your child in a public place without you knowing. Im not sure full censorship is the best way. I would be interested what he will do when they go to secondary school and everyone has a phone and is on social media.

yourestandingonmyneck · 07/12/2021 18:30

@ModelMinnie

What "bad thing" do you think will happen, because some granny with about 10 friends (who she knows personally), has uploaded some photo's of her Grandkids?

Are people really that naive? Admittedly I work in IT, but do you honestly not understand what can happen in situations like this if you freely upload personal data / images to a privately owned, foreign-owned social media platform whose main aim is to make money from the data you're sharing?

Wow.

What money can they make from pictures of random kids? Genuine question, I think a lot of us on this post obviously aren't aware of the dangers.
MaHBroon · 07/12/2021 18:30

i understand about not posting photos of kids / babies undressed / using the potty etc

I understand this but that’s about it.

crystal1717 · 07/12/2021 18:31

You don't own your children. If grandparents should have more rights.

He sounds v controlling.

Poor kids

MaHBroon · 07/12/2021 18:31

@ModelMinnie

There really was no need for your rather rude ‘wow’.

lesenfantsdelesperance · 07/12/2021 18:33

@HollowTalk

My sister-in-law lives down south and I am in the north. Are you suggesting that she shouldn't be able to text me photos of her new grandchild?

Is your husband just objecting to photos being on social media or actually sending any digitally at all?

Are you suggesting that your sister in law wanting to send you photos trumps the parent's (possible) desire for her not to?
Lockdownbear · 07/12/2021 18:34

@crystal1717

You don't own your children. If grandparents should have more rights.

He sounds v controlling.

Poor kids

Grandparents don't own them either.

Back in the day your childhood photos of which there were few because of money, lay in a box in the back of a cupboard.

Would you like anyone to have unfiltered access to that box and a shed load more photos of you?