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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never send MIL photos again?

339 replies

babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 16:48

This is actually a AIBU for DH.

DH feels extremely strongly about photos of the kids on social media. He has worked in cyber security and always knew that he didn't want pictures of his kids online (including shared by non secure message like whatsapp). It's been a pain in the backside, but I have supported him on it - never send pictures around or posted them anywhere. He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored. He set this up for anyone who wanted it and we've managed fine for 3 years.

MIL didnt want to use the app. So we have been printing off and giving her pictures of the kids whenever we see her, and also sending regular pictures in the post during lockdown.

DH recently sent a family friend a message congratulating them on the birth of a grandchild. The family friend replied saying thank you and "it has been so lovely watching your kids grow up from afar" (they live in Australia).

DH doesn't have Facebook so I searched for his mum (we aren't Facebook friends - I also don't really use it). His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

DH has explicitly explained why he doesn't want pictures online to his mum. He confronted her about it and she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids". He is spitting mad and has said he will never give her another picture, to which she has kicked off massively. IHBU?

OP posts:
crystal1717 · 07/12/2021 18:35

There's literally millions of kids on sm inc all mine. Then child models in all clothing and holiday websites.

I really really don't see the risk.
You lot should don your tin hats. It's a wonder you ever cross the road for fear of the risk.

lesenfantsdelesperance · 07/12/2021 18:38

@crystal1717

You don't own your children. If grandparents should have more rights.

He sounds v controlling.

Poor kids

I pity the kids whose parents plaster their faces all over social media. Especially instagrammers. It's sad. I feel not in the slightest bit sorry for people who get receive regular photos of their grandchildren in the post.
Original poster
babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 18:38

@Unihorn its also used by governments (not that the two categories are mutually exclusive Grin)

OP posts:
Prescottdanni123 · 07/12/2021 18:38

YANBU. I would support your husband in this. He may seem excessive to some, but working in cyber security means he probably knows loads of stuff about social media security that the rest of us don't.

And even if he was being excessive (which I don't think he is) they are his kids and she should have respected his wishes.

meadowbleu · 07/12/2021 18:39

It's two separate issues isn't it. The security and protection of identity which DH seeks to protect and MIL's betrayal of trust and refusal to ackowledge her deceit.

Regardless of whether anyone thinks DH's measures and rule is too strict, his mother is totally out of order and I'd want the photos taken down too.

TheOccupier · 07/12/2021 18:39

Does MIL never babysit the children? Don't you think she will take photos if and when she does this? Would you deny her a relationship with her DGCs over it?

Expecting people to download and set up a special app just so you can send them pictures of your children and make those pictures that self-destruct after being viewed is one of the most paranoid, self-centred and PFB things I've seen on here - and that's saying a lot.

How is sharing pictures of a small child on Facebook today going to compromise their privacy in 15-20 years time? Do you think Facebook will even still exist then and even if it does, how would photos shared by their granny in 2021 be linked to any accounts they might set up for themselves in 2041? It just makes no sense at all.

luckylavender · 07/12/2021 18:40

@Bathmat1 - you can forward any WhatsApp message.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/12/2021 18:40

MiL knows of your DH's concerns as she refused to use the secure app and has accepted printed copies of the pictures

Actually that's a point - why was she against using this secure app?

I'm not very techy, but if DH could send them using this, presumably MIL could have done the same when forwarding the images to friends?

westofnormal · 07/12/2021 18:41

They're not under any obligation to go along with his paranoia. You can choose to fall out with them over it but it will just make you (or him) look worse.

Original poster
babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 18:42

@HollowTalk of course not, but I am suggesting it should be her choice whether/how/when to share pictures with you.

OP posts:
Monkeymilkshake · 07/12/2021 18:44

I think it’s different to a 15yo putting their pictures online like a pp has said.
The child has no control over their image in this case; and something that might seem funny to parents to share might not be for the child.
I work in security/compliance and the number of things people can do with a picture is scary!
Re whatsapp, everytime you send a picture to someone it automatically saves it in their back ups (so google pics, apple photo… whatever you use) and for fb, anyone can take a screenshot of the picture and you (the poster) would know no better.
There are people in the class fb group that post pictures of their kids all the time (you know where they are at all times!), in the pool, at grandads/nanny, going to favourite park… it’s scary why they think this is ok to share with 100s of strangers online.

Most people probably just click through all this and pay no notice but you just need 1 weirdo!
I’m 100% with your DH

Nanny0gg · 07/12/2021 18:44

@babybrain77

When you send pictures on WhatsApp, the image is on the recipient's phone. Often people have their phone set to backup to the cloud, at which point that image becomes part of the data packet held by big tech. Since we don't pay for any of these services we use, the data is the "product" and we lose all control of it (dummed down explanation for me!)

For those who have asked what we'll do when they are older (they are currently 3 and 1) - that's a bridge we will cross closer to the time. DH's hope and concern was that we would provide them with the same starting point that our generation had - the choice of what to share and when at a point where they were old enough to give informed consent to the sharing of their data.

The app we use is Wickr. You can prevent screenshotting and the data is automatically "burned" after a set period of time.

You're going to have to stop her taking actual physical photos when she sees them too.
2022HereWeCome · 07/12/2021 18:46

OP, your Mil shouldn't have gone against your wishes but I think you will need to rethink your stance a little. It seems a little extreme.
When your DC start school there will be a whole raft of things that they will miss out on if you don't give consent for photos. I had to accept this the DS started reception. I am mindful of privacy and personal information but at some point you have determine what is more important, your kid not being allowed to be in the school photo / filmed nativity play or security concerns

NorthSouthcatlady · 07/12/2021 18:47

Your children = your rules. MIL knows the way your husband feels but decided to ignore it. Is she normally keen to ignore other people’s feelings and just do what suits her?

Original poster
babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 18:47

@TheOccupier no she has never had solo care of the children. DH doesn't trust her to respect our boundaries.

Call him/us PFB if you like, but no one is obligated to download the app. Given that we don't yet have 20 years of history or any evidence about the impact of commoditising our personal data, the "it makes no sense" argument feels quite weak. But then you are probably one of the 99+% of people who just clicks "accept" when a privacy policy notice appears.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 07/12/2021 18:49

Your DH is being completely over the top regarding the photos.
If peados want photos of kids they literally just have to google image it and they’ll get thousands.

However his mum was completely in the wrong for going against your wishes!

I send photos to family all of the time over WhatsApp but I don’t want them put on SM and I would be fuming if any of them did.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/12/2021 18:50

She'd get no more photos from me and I'd report all she's put online.

amsadandconfused · 07/12/2021 18:51

@1concernedmummy

I agree MIL is BU to disregard her son and DIL wishes.

But please could you tell me more about why your DH is so set against having pictures of DC on social media given his background? Genuine question. As a proud mummy I post lots of pictures of DC on social media, am I being naive or putting them in danger in some way that I don't understand?

This … I share pictures of my children/ grandchild on SM with their consent but am now wondering what I am not aware of !
WonderfulYou · 07/12/2021 18:52

Given that we don't yet have 20 years of history or any evidence about the impact of commoditising our personal data, the "it makes no sense" argument feels quite weak. But then you are probably one of the 99+% of people who just clicks "accept" when a privacy policy notice appears.

If you have a mobile phone or use the internet then people have your data.

I never get that argument - if you truly don’t want companies getting data then you wouldn’t use technology that tracks you and collects your data.

DipItAgain · 07/12/2021 18:54

@babybrain77

When you send pictures on WhatsApp, the image is on the recipient's phone. Often people have their phone set to backup to the cloud, at which point that image becomes part of the data packet held by big tech. Since we don't pay for any of these services we use, the data is the "product" and we lose all control of it (dummed down explanation for me!)

For those who have asked what we'll do when they are older (they are currently 3 and 1) - that's a bridge we will cross closer to the time. DH's hope and concern was that we would provide them with the same starting point that our generation had - the choice of what to share and when at a point where they were old enough to give informed consent to the sharing of their data.

The app we use is Wickr. You can prevent screenshotting and the data is automatically "burned" after a set period of time.

But, as others have asked, surely the recipient of the photo on Wickr can still screen shot it?
DeadButDelicious · 07/12/2021 18:54

I'm with your DH. She wouldn't be getting any more photos from me.

We made the decision not to share photos of DD on social media, for reasons very similar to yourself. I would be absolutely livid if it turned out that one of our parents had been sharing photos we gave to them online for literally anyone to see.

She doesn't 'have' to be able to show off her grandkids, she just wants to and can't see past her own need. And in the process she has massively disrespected you and your wishes for your child.

Hmumoftw0 · 07/12/2021 18:55

Y

Original poster
babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 18:56

@DipItAgain you can't screenshot on wickr.

@WonderfulYou I have a phone and choose what data I'm willing to share about myself. DH wants the children to have the same choice.

OP posts:
lonsdaleshorts · 07/12/2021 18:56

I also have a background in security online and I will never share photos of my kids. My family knows this. It’s is something I am firm on. If you see what us in security see, you’d be the same.

pompomsgalore · 07/12/2021 18:58

@Bramblesr can you or OP tell us more about the problem with what'sap?