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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never send MIL photos again?

339 replies

babybrain77 · 07/12/2021 16:48

This is actually a AIBU for DH.

DH feels extremely strongly about photos of the kids on social media. He has worked in cyber security and always knew that he didn't want pictures of his kids online (including shared by non secure message like whatsapp). It's been a pain in the backside, but I have supported him on it - never send pictures around or posted them anywhere. He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored. He set this up for anyone who wanted it and we've managed fine for 3 years.

MIL didnt want to use the app. So we have been printing off and giving her pictures of the kids whenever we see her, and also sending regular pictures in the post during lockdown.

DH recently sent a family friend a message congratulating them on the birth of a grandchild. The family friend replied saying thank you and "it has been so lovely watching your kids grow up from afar" (they live in Australia).

DH doesn't have Facebook so I searched for his mum (we aren't Facebook friends - I also don't really use it). His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

DH has explicitly explained why he doesn't want pictures online to his mum. He confronted her about it and she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids". He is spitting mad and has said he will never give her another picture, to which she has kicked off massively. IHBU?

OP posts:
WonderHen · 07/12/2021 17:05

I would make it clear to her that she will not be receiving any more photos in future.

SunshineCake1 · 07/12/2021 17:05

HINBU at all.

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. He has his reasons and even without that they are his kids!

Mine aren't posted anywhere on line for my own reasons and I'd be livid if someone else did.

WhenSepEnds · 07/12/2021 17:06

@babybrain77

This is actually a AIBU for DH.

DH feels extremely strongly about photos of the kids on social media. He has worked in cyber security and always knew that he didn't want pictures of his kids online (including shared by non secure message like whatsapp). It's been a pain in the backside, but I have supported him on it - never send pictures around or posted them anywhere. He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored. He set this up for anyone who wanted it and we've managed fine for 3 years.

MIL didnt want to use the app. So we have been printing off and giving her pictures of the kids whenever we see her, and also sending regular pictures in the post during lockdown.

DH recently sent a family friend a message congratulating them on the birth of a grandchild. The family friend replied saying thank you and "it has been so lovely watching your kids grow up from afar" (they live in Australia).

DH doesn't have Facebook so I searched for his mum (we aren't Facebook friends - I also don't really use it). His mum has been taking pictures of the hard copy photos we've sent and posting them on Facebook, freely viewable to all (no privacy restrictions). She has uploaded literally hundreds of pictures.

DH has explicitly explained why he doesn't want pictures online to his mum. He confronted her about it and she shrugged and said "I have to be able to show off my grandkids". He is spitting mad and has said he will never give her another picture, to which she has kicked off massively. IHBU?

Absolutely no more pictures!! She's so disrespectful! I'd be wary that she would still share any future ones as she clearly doesn't care about keeping them private as you've asked her to do

Report the ones already on Facebook and say they were not shared with parental consent and that you want them removed.

I'd be fuming

Bramblesr · 07/12/2021 17:07

My partner is also in cyber security and is exactly the same regarding WhatsApp and sharing pics.

Completely out of order for your MIL to wilfully ignore your decisions.

1concernedmummy · 07/12/2021 17:08

I agree MIL is BU to disregard her son and DIL wishes.

But please could you tell me more about why your DH is so set against having pictures of DC on social media given his background? Genuine question. As a proud mummy I post lots of pictures of DC on social media, am I being naive or putting them in danger in some way that I don't understand?

Pat123dev · 07/12/2021 17:08

She didn’t have permission to share those pictures. End of. Don’t send anymore and report the others.

Drinkingallthewine · 07/12/2021 17:10

I'm with your DH on this.

It's not like she didn't know his views. She did. And he clearly explained his reasons to you all - He's a cyber security guy so he knows this stuff.

She went behind your back to do exactly what he didn't want her to do.

I don't tend to put much online of DS. My siblings, several of them have very strict rules about it, as does my neighbour. But I respect their rules and would never breach them.

In years to come, people will be getting very angry with some parents putting their entire lives online for all to see. There was a photographer sued by her son in the US where the photos she took of him were basically wank fodder for paedophiles, and you see the nirvana baby is now suing as well. I can see that extending to things like those 'funny' videos people post of their child having a tantrum and the like. And the influencer mummies who's entire brand is their kids probably first to be served with papers.

I think that you need to back him fully on this.

Just10moreminutesplease · 07/12/2021 17:10

It doesn’t matter what I or anybody else choose to share of our own children, your MIL went against your husband’s wishes.

She has no right to make decisions regarding your child and especially doesn’t have the right to overrule the parents. It’s a complete breach of trust.

I’d be just as livid as your husband.

Shallwegoforawalk · 07/12/2021 17:12

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

He found a secure messaging app which would allow us to share pictures with family and friends but which did not allow the pictures to be shared or stored.

Does it prevent people from screen shotting the image?

That's what I thought. If she says she'll use the app, I bet she would just take a screenshot photo from there and share!

DH is possibly over protective BUT they were your clear wishes which she has ignored so yeah, she has no rights here.

BlondeDogLady · 07/12/2021 17:13

I never understand this. What "bad thing" do you think will happen, because some granny with about 10 friends (who she knows personally), has uploaded some photo's of her Grandkids?

skgnome · 07/12/2021 17:13

I do think your DH s views are a bit over the top… but at the end of the day
he has very good reasons to feel how he does, he’s protecting his kids, and he explained them and your MIL not only went against his wishes by “mistake” she deliberately went over board to do so
She’s in the wrong here

IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2021 17:14

It doesn't matter if she thinks it's ok or if others do. Your husband and you I assume support him in this have made this decision for your children until they are old enough to make their own choice about social media (enjoy those years btw! 🙄 Duck faces and silly poses X 1000 daily.) and it should be respected.

grey12 · 07/12/2021 17:14

HINBU!

Honestly I would flip as well if my mum would post pictures of my kids on FB! We do share them through WhatsApp, our choice, but you have been more than accommodating sending her pictures all the time. She could have invited her friends over to look at the album of pictures

OwlInBatter · 07/12/2021 17:15

Christ - who could get excited over this?

Only on Mumsnet

IntermittentParps · 07/12/2021 17:16

SHE has kicked off? Hmm She's got a nerve. You were very clear about your wishes. The family friend could have used the secure app if she'd asked.
I'd never send her pics again and every time she brought it up remind her why.

grey12 · 07/12/2021 17:16

Btw, what's themis secure app? Wink

AbbieLexie · 07/12/2021 17:16

MIL is out of order. Total lack of respect and NO boundaries.

IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2021 17:18

@OwlInBatter

Christ - who could get excited over this?

Only on Mumsnet

Not really. The op and her husband exist in real life and this is far from the first thread where posters have said they take the same view.
LynetteScavo · 07/12/2021 17:18

She broke your trust, now she doesn't get more photos.

I chose to share my DC online, relatives choose not to share pics/others share pics but not names. I respect that, and don't post under a pic " oh Johnny looks so cute!" Because I'm not a dick.

grapewine · 07/12/2021 17:19

She is completely out of order.

Avarua · 07/12/2021 17:19

This is hilarious. I'm impressed with Mail's chutzpah to be honest!

Avarua · 07/12/2021 17:19

mail's should be MIL's

Chocolatewheatos · 07/12/2021 17:22

She is bang out of order! Report to Facebook and I would never send her another picture again.
He made himself very clear, she has deliberately gone behind his back and so stupidly too!

EmpressCixi · 07/12/2021 17:23

YANBU
Pictures of children online is the parents decision and your MIL is deliberately flouting your joint decision. He should contact Facebook and demand her account be suspended and all the photos deleted.

godmum56 · 07/12/2021 17:24

Hinbu. Your children, your decisions. It doesn't matter what we think about whether its ok to put pics on social media. You are the parents and you said no.

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