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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up house to get a house for my kids

351 replies

NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 12:08

Hi,

Me and DH have just split after 16 years. We are not married (yes I know I’m a mug).
We have a mortgage on the house, both names. There is 170k equity.

That gives me 85k. I have 2 children. I won’t be eligible to buy somehwere for the 3 of us with that deposit as I don’t have an income, and I’m in the south east, so wouldn’t even get me a studio flat.

As I’d have 85k I wouldn’t get help with being housed. It’s not enough to buy somehwere, but too much to be entitled to help.

Aibu to think I Would I be better off giving him my half (that will go to our kids when he dies) so that I can get help with being housed, I feel stuffed either way.

OP posts:
wentworthinmate · 08/12/2021 19:07

This was my problem many years ago. Shared ownership purchase is your only option (don't waste it in private renting, the council won't touch you) but you will need to work and claim working family tax credit to top up earnings and pay for your childcare. Apologies if this is outdated these days but so not waste or give away your money.

Cocomarine · 08/12/2021 19:07

[quote Christmas1988]Not sure where this is or if it’s a nice area, but look how cheap it is! You could definitely afford a home with £85k it just means relocating and a fresh start.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/117134345#/?channel=RES_BUY[/quote]
It just means relocating?!
OP said she was in the south east. That’s Accrington. If she was in Chelmsford - which I think is about as far north as you can get and still say SE in my opinion, she’d be moving the children over FOUR hours from their father.

She’s not destitute. She’s got £85K coming, possibly plus maintenance and has previously earned £30K a year.

There’ll be examples of abuse, or really not being able to financially manage two homes in the old location.

But surely the starting position to do the right thing for the children, is to look for options that keep them living somewhere that they can have both parents in their daily lives?

LaplandLucy · 08/12/2021 19:11

You’re not thinking straight @NoNameHere12 you said your DH is well off and won’t leave the house. So he buys you out and then your girls get the house. Why would you give him your share too?

Definitely do not do this.

Jaxxy · 08/12/2021 19:34

You sound so sad OP, hope you are ok?

My advice would be to get some professional help, definitely take the money, you are also entitled to maintenance and that could include money as a replacement for you as SAHM. You may also be entitled to half of any savings and pension assets which is why you should get some legal advice.

As some suggest, getting a job, could give you an excellent chance to get a mortgage and you could explore a shared equity model if there are developments of this nature in your area.

Wishing you best of luck.

Anaximedes · 08/12/2021 19:53

I'm not understanding this. The rent on a 2-bed flat in my friend's block is £1400-1500 pcm (in Greater London in a reasonably nice family area). Another friend in commuter-belt SE is renting a nice 2-bed for £875 pcm and 3-beds are available there for £1000 pcm.

That's a lot more than 2 years of rent out of the 85K. It's 4-7 years. You'd be fine using the money for rent for a year while you sort yourself out.

You really DO need to looking at Rightmove, start doing some proper sums and get some proper advice about your work, housing and financial options. Taking a radical step which will probably do you more harm than good won't help you or your children in the long run. I understand it's daunting and unpleasant, but there's support from professionals and on here while you work it out.

BarleyG · 08/12/2021 19:58

No, it doesn’t work like that.

I split from my ex husband due to domestic violence and he was given my house because I wasn’t eligible for a mortgage so the bank wouldn’t allow it to be transferred into my name.

Because of this I was deemed to have given away assets on purpose in order to get social housing and I’m still not allowed on the housing list 5 years later.

There’s also a crime called “deprivation of assets” which is a type of fraud - the council threatened to have me prosecuted for this. Luckily they didn’t as in my circumstances I actually didn’t have a choice at all and WASN’T doing it to get housing.

calvados · 08/12/2021 20:04

What kind of ‘well off’ father would demand you sell the house?! He should let you live there especially if kids are under 18. Do not give home your half as invariably he will meet another woman who will not care if your kids miss out on their inheritance. Go back to court and fight for the house.

Anonymous48 · 08/12/2021 20:07

You're going to have to rent if you can't afford a mortgage, aren't you? Many people do it. It's not the end of the world.
And please stop calling your ex boyfriend your husband if you weren't married!

Cocomarine · 08/12/2021 20:13

@calvados

What kind of ‘well off’ father would demand you sell the house?! He should let you live there especially if kids are under 18. Do not give home your half as invariably he will meet another woman who will not care if your kids miss out on their inheritance. Go back to court and fight for the house.
@calvados what do you mean go back to court and fight for the house?

She hasn’t been to court, and there’s nothing to fight over - legal ownership is clear from the info given.

calvados · 08/12/2021 20:18

Then why sell it? He can move out if he’s financially well off? That’s a home for his children.

Clementine21 · 08/12/2021 20:23

Oh I see, thank you for explaining. Hopefully Ops ex is decent to not want his kids homeless and will support them @Cocomarine

wooo69 · 08/12/2021 20:32

You cannot deprive yourself of income or capital in order to claim benefits or be entitled to social housing.

mayormaynothavehadaparty · 08/12/2021 20:33

I think you need to move to a slightly cheaper area, rent. Get a job. Sorry your business isn't doing well. Time to become an employee again

Your husband needs to help cover childcare costs. Why is that solely down to you to fund?

You and ex must work together to cover child care costs. Its a joint responsibility

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 08/12/2021 20:43

What are your long term plans? Where do you plan on living when you retire? Do you plan on paying rent when your 70? What about a pension? How much have you saved? You don’t sound like you have a solid financial plan. The open university runs free online personal finance courses, only a couple of hours. You really need to be more financially savvy. Giving away 85k is nuts.

cherish123 · 08/12/2021 20:49

@calvados - she doesn't need to fight for the house. She's been awarded her share (half). She would not be entitled to the whole house.

stalkersaga · 08/12/2021 20:49

@Clementine21

Oh I see, thank you for explaining. Hopefully Ops ex is decent to not want his kids homeless and will support them *@Cocomarine*
Why would they be homeless? OP will get 85k in equity with which to house them.
Darbs76 · 08/12/2021 20:52

I basically did this. Not because I had a huge equity as it was only a few grand but I signed over the house to my ex without accepting any money. I just couldn’t be bothered with the hassle. Also I’ve never pushed for maintenance as I know my ex is saving for the kids futures. Some people would say I’m a mug but he’s now saved enough to pay for both of them to get through Uni without loans, then he will save towards house deposits etc. So yes I could have pushed and got a lot of maintenance each month, but I decided I’d rather do it this way. I know for a fact he won’t spend it on something else before anyone suggests that, I know 1000%. So up to you, 85k is a lot of money to sign away. But even with a job you’re not going to be able to afford a house in the South East. Could you request your equity goes to your children at say 21? My friends husband has signed the house over to my friend on the basis my friend pays his 30% share of the house to their daughter when she’s 25. That way you’ll guarantee it won’t be left to a new wife etc

h1nch · 08/12/2021 20:58

If he is well off and doesn’t need 85k why doesn’t he give you the house you are currently in?

Graceambrose · 08/12/2021 21:04

Houseboat could be fun. Part ownership may be option. Put your share into premium bonds, and ISA, and advertise house management etc for senior citizen
with accommodation for you and your children at a nominal rent.

Cocomarine · 08/12/2021 21:10

@calvados

Then why sell it? He can move out if he’s financially well off? That’s a home for his children.
Well, OP doesn’t want to share what “well off” means 🤷🏻‍♀️ Well off could simply mean that he earns enough to get a mortgage on his own, if he has £85K deposit.

I personally think he has a moral obligation to see his children adequately housed with both parents. But that doesn’t mean he has to given her more than her legal share of the house. I’ll say it again - she’s hardly destitute! £85K will cover rent and childcare for several YEARS - even in the south east.

Cocomarine · 08/12/2021 21:14

@h1nch

If he is well off and doesn’t need 85k why doesn’t he give you the house you are currently in?
If he gave OP his £85K share of the equity she would still have to pay the outstanding mortgage. As her income this year is projected to be £8K, she’s not going to get a mortgage. This means he has to stay on the mortgage - even if he’s not paying it. As a result, it’s unlikely that he would be able to get a second mortgage for his own home, and would have to rent. Why should he rent with kids, instead of her rent with kids?

I think people are over estimating what “well off” means.

Mollymoostoo · 08/12/2021 21:36

Put it in bank accounts for your children like ISA's they can't get till they are 18.
You might have to wait 3 months though as the money will show on bank statements and the housing authority will want to see these.
Don't give your ex the money. If he marries, she will get the money if he dies without a will.

Hertsgirl10 · 08/12/2021 21:40

You could literally buy a house outright with that amount of money, if you was happy to relocate. Which I definitely would in your situation.

Suzypoo10 · 08/12/2021 21:41

Have you seen a solicitor?
My ex was demanding 50% of the equity in the house, despite the fact that he and his new wife earn 5 x my salary and the kids were living with me. He even tried to put the house up for sale without my permission.
I consulted a solicitor, who said that if I went to court, given the difference in our income, the length of our marriage (22 years) and my career took a back seat and the fact that his housing needs were already met, then I would almost certainly be awarded a much larger percentage of the equity.
In the end, I didn’t need to go to court (although I had a date booked and had appointed a barrister) as he had sought legal advice in the meantime, and offered me the entire house. The house is in my name only and now that the kids are older I am able to work full time.

Cocomarine · 08/12/2021 21:46

@Suzypoo10 your post is totally irrelevant though!

Legally, a 22 year marriage doesn’t compare to having a boyfriend for 16 years.

Sorry OP, I’m not trying to stick the boot in (I think you’ve abandoned the thread anyway!) but all the divorced people posting on here saying what they got.. we should ask for this thread to be bloody well pinned as a salutary tale!