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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up house to get a house for my kids

351 replies

NoNameHere12 · 07/12/2021 12:08

Hi,

Me and DH have just split after 16 years. We are not married (yes I know I’m a mug).
We have a mortgage on the house, both names. There is 170k equity.

That gives me 85k. I have 2 children. I won’t be eligible to buy somehwere for the 3 of us with that deposit as I don’t have an income, and I’m in the south east, so wouldn’t even get me a studio flat.

As I’d have 85k I wouldn’t get help with being housed. It’s not enough to buy somehwere, but too much to be entitled to help.

Aibu to think I Would I be better off giving him my half (that will go to our kids when he dies) so that I can get help with being housed, I feel stuffed either way.

OP posts:
yoyo1234 · 07/12/2021 19:27

Bother think I voted YANBU by mistake. Meant to say YABVVVVU

HunterHearstHelmsley · 07/12/2021 19:29

@Cocomarine

OP said *
He won’t waste it or spend it, it will be for the kids as he is well off and doesn’t need it.*

TillyTopper · 07/12/2021 19:33

I don't think it will be that easy OP because they will look at what funds you were entitled to. If you essential gave away 85k (by getting exH to sign it over to the DCs) you have made yourself intentionally homeless.

ChequerBoard · 07/12/2021 19:59

Kindly OP, considering giving your ex your share of the only marital asset you have is not smart thinking.

£85k is a considerable sum of money. You have options with that money. You can use it to fund a private rental property to live in and plan a way back into work for yourself. If you need qualifications or training, you have the money there to do it.

AnotherEmma · 07/12/2021 20:43

[quote Anaximedes]Definitely don't give him the money. Partly because you will struggle to get benefits having given it away. Yes some of the money may go in rent but not all of it, you should be able to get back on your feet within a year so that doesn't happen.

You could undoubtedly buy at least one if not two buy-to-let properties with that deposit, in many parts of the country that arean't the south east, and then your money would be working for you and that income can offset (some of) the rent you are paying - eventually you would own the house(s) outright too. He should also be paying you maintenance as well as child maintenance if you can't work yet due to the children being small or having additional care needs, so this again will help against your costs. Make sure your solicitor fights for the best deal for you, don't roll over!

Do get some proper financial advice pronto! From an IFA as well as your solicitor.

If you don't want to invest in property, they can find some other way to invest across safest and slightly more risky long term investments, and help you work out what it is best to do about your pension and to preserve as much of your assets as possible as you move forward. Also rent the smallest property in the least expensive area that you can realistically tolerate/is suitable for the children. They are unlikely to thank you for putting your own future on the line just so they can live in a slightly bigger house/better place.

If going into buy-to-let, do your homework. This is a good place to start if you can get to one: www.landlordinvestmentshow.co.uk/all-2022-events[/quote]
Bad advice. Do not get a buy to let, as it would make you ineligible for UC.

Branleuse · 07/12/2021 21:00

Depending on where in the south east, there are still cheap areas to keep yourself on the housing ladder. They might not be your first choice, but i think it would be worth doing.

MyDcAreMarvel · 07/12/2021 21:20

@Waitwhatwhy I would rather stay in the area, but I would sacrifice to give my children a stable home.

Waitwhatwhy · 07/12/2021 21:38

[quote MyDcAreMarvel]@Waitwhatwhy I would rather stay in the area, but I would sacrifice to give my children a stable home.[/quote]
That doesn’t make sense. How is moving your children 200 miles away from the stable home they’ve had better than keeping everything as near the same as possible but in a rented house?

GettingItOutThere · 07/12/2021 21:39

what a terrible idea! do not do this!

get a job asap, 3 months of payslips and buy him out if you can? or move somewhere slightly cheaper?

full time job i mean

Cocomarine · 07/12/2021 21:42

[quote HunterHearstHelmsley]@Cocomarine

OP said *
He won’t waste it or spend it, it will be for the kids as he is well off and doesn’t need it.*[/quote]
Fair enough @HunterHearstHelmsley ! Thanks for highlighting it.

I would consider “well off” to mean has enough to meet their needs and a bit more, but quite a bit less than wealthy! Well off is a new Ford every 3 years, wealthy is a new Mercedes every 2. But that’s very subjective 🤣

Certainly I don’t think it sounds like OP is likely to using the Children Act because he earns too much for standard calculator!

StoneofDestiny · 07/12/2021 21:44

That amount of money would be a substantial deposit in a house or flat in many areas of the country.
You sound young enough to get a job and leave your own business for now.
You can't just give the money away and expect the taxpayer to support you and your children.
If you stop and think about it - you will. E in a better position than many people!

MyDcAreMarvel · 07/12/2021 21:47

@Waitwhatwhy That doesn’t make sense. How is moving your children 200 miles away from the stable home they’ve had better than keeping everything as near the same as possible but in a rented house? it’s not that simple the op cannot afford to rent where she lives , the £85k will run out and they will be left with nothing.

Cocomarine · 07/12/2021 21:55

It would take more than 4.5 years for the £85K to run out at £1500 a month rent though. And rather than just run through it, OP could look for a job (if her own business isn’t expected to recover in current Covid climate) so that she isn’t just running it down.

Use the £85K for her share of childcare (be sure to either agree with their father that he pays half of childcare separate to maintenance, or make sure that his contact days don’t neatly avoid him paying for it) to get a job, pay rent from the job and then use what’s left as deposit when able to get a mortgage.

hidingfromthemouse · 07/12/2021 21:57

You could get a 3 bed terraced house in South Wales for that amount of money. There's probably other places in the UK that would be the same.

missymayhemsmum · 07/12/2021 22:19

Dream on if you think you are going to get handed a housing association house, with or without your share of the equity.

Get some advice , you may be entitled to more than half,
Get a job, look into shared ownership, or plan to rent.

Cocomarine · 07/12/2021 22:31

@missymayhemsmum

Dream on if you think you are going to get handed a housing association house, with or without your share of the equity. Get some advice , you may be entitled to more than half, Get a job, look into shared ownership, or plan to rent.
@missymayhemsmum why would she be entitled to more than half?
PrincessNutella · 07/12/2021 22:31

This is the downside of having so much council housing. It is plainly discouraging people from being motivated and independent. It's depressing that human nature has a way of thwarting good intentions, and I can definitely see many upsides to having generous council housing benefits, but seeing how tempting it would be for the OP to throw away a huge sum of money and the chance to move forward with her life in a practical way, using some of the excellent suggestions that other posters have made, is a bit sobering. I can see she now realizes this is a bad idea, and I can understand why the idea is so tempting, so this is a difficult and interesting dilemma.

PrincessNutella · 07/12/2021 22:32

Those shared ownership flats look great! I'm jealous!

Cocomarine · 07/12/2021 23:01

@PrincessNutella “so much council housing” - what planet are you current living on? 🤣

DifferentHair · 08/12/2021 00:43

People have a very warped idea of what welfare dependence is like.

It is infinitely better to be employed and in a private rental. Don't you want to be independent and in control of your own life?

It's ridiculous that someone would actively consider impoverishing themselves in order to go on welfare/social housing.

StaplesCorner · 08/12/2021 00:47

Please tell me no one really believes there is “so much council housing” in the UK 😡

TurquoiseDress · 08/12/2021 00:51

Look at the positive side- you'll have 85k towards a deposit

You need to focus on getting a job and hopefully a career which will develop and increase your earning potential

Do not give it to him! You've no guarantee where it will end up

The best thing you can do for your girls is shown them what you can do by working hard & getting your own home with them

Good luck OP Thanks

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 08/12/2021 00:58

I'm not sure you realise the kind of housing you could end up in. Lots of council housing is cramped and pretty grotty these days. It could also be quite far from where you currently live.

Rent. Hopefully in time you meet someone you can share a mortgage with, or once you're working again you can either get your own or continue renting and not worry too much about it.

westofnormal · 08/12/2021 01:14

I don't know why you think you'd be renting for 10 years.

PrincessNutella · 08/12/2021 01:41

I don't know how much council housing there actually issurely in reality there is not enough for the truly needybut apparently there is enough for the OP to want to give up 85 K to get herself some!

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