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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was called rude this morning - AIBU?

409 replies

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 07/12/2021 09:24

Hi everyone,

I had a call on the way to work from a random number - I picked up and it was someone asking if I was XX. I was tired and had a headache and said, "why are you calling so early?" (It was 7:20am). He replied;"I am a recruiter for supply teaching." I replied: "I have a permanent job, please take me off your books." Him: "Honestly. you don't have to be so rude." Me: "I'm tired and you know nothing about my life. Goodbye."

I then thought about the encounter all the way to work (another 30 minutes). Was I horrible? Am I someone who makes society worse with their behaviour? I have always been someone who smiles and is "nice" but sometimes it doesn't get me too far - particularly with men. Men still expect me to move out of the way, be a certain type of kind etc. and I sometimes have had enough. I do think I am angry and exhausted and my attempts to assert myself might come across as rude.

While I write this, I can't help thinking - would I even be questioning any of my behaviour if I was a man? Or even just a different woman?

Anyway - sorry for the thought ramble. I feel bad and then feel bad for feeling bad!

Thank you for your time XX

OP posts:
hangrylady · 07/12/2021 15:26

@JustLikea

Not rude just blunt.
AKA rude
Offmyfence · 07/12/2021 15:27

@tallduckandhandsome

The urge to placate men seems instinctive in a lot of us women. It's good to see people like OP fight that urge.
Placate men???

What nonsense, just a polite you've got the wrong number, although not sure how that got into the conversation anyhow. It doesn't seem to feature in the original OP. As I say, also strange that the recruiter managed to get the wrong number of someone in the same field.

tallduckandhandsome · 07/12/2021 15:28

Being unnecessarily rude to someone trying to do their job, simply because they're male isn't feminism. It's being a dick.

She wasn't rude. Saying sorry to someone who has called the wrong person at 7am isn't feminism. It's being a doormat.

daisychain01 · 07/12/2021 15:31

I expect the poor lowly recruiter received the same dismissive treatment as the now legendary "MN binmen" - just a low paid worker who's getting in the way of the OPs hectic demanding life priorities - until of course the day the OP needs to avail themselves of their services.

namechangetheworld · 07/12/2021 15:35

@tallduckandhandsome

Being unnecessarily rude to someone trying to do their job, simply because they're male isn't feminism. It's being a dick.

She wasn't rude. Saying sorry to someone who has called the wrong person at 7am isn't feminism. It's being a doormat.

Responding to the question "Is this so-and-so?" with "Why are you calling so early?" and then ranting that the caller has no idea about her life is, at best rude, and at worst, unhinged.

Managing to hold a brief, civil conversation with another human who happens to be male is hardly being a doormat.

TractorAndHeadphones · 07/12/2021 15:35

@hangrylady

Yes you were rude. If you hadn't informed the agency you were no longer available them I assume they were calling that early to get a supply teacher for the same day. If you're ever looking for supply work in future don't be surprised if that agency doesn't call you, there will be a note on your record that you were rude.
What record - wasn’t her name 😂 Can’t really blacklist numbers either as the same ones circulate when people give up their old numbers. Although the chances of someone else in the same situation getting the same number are v v low
Offmyfence · 07/12/2021 15:41

@daisychain01

I expect the poor lowly recruiter received the same dismissive treatment as the now legendary "MN binmen" - just a low paid worker who's getting in the way of the OPs hectic demanding life priorities - until of course the day the OP needs to avail themselves of their services.
This of course was not the original story! The original story left out the "wrong person" bit, which was added later....
Offmyfence · 07/12/2021 15:43

Sorry @daisychain01 tagged your post in error!

That was directed @TractorAndHeadphones saying

What record - wasn’t her name 😂*
Can’t really blacklist numbers either as the same ones circulate when people give up their old numbers. Although the chances of someone else in the same situation getting the same number are v v low*

Kandinskysnail · 07/12/2021 15:52

I still get phone calls from supply agencies having been in the same permanent job for 15 years after a brief stint of supply during a masters. I’ve asked them many times to take me off their lists. I also get calls from agencies I never signed up with. It’s annoying and the “Hey Jane” overly friendly, pretence at knowing you at 6:45 after you’ve just picked up an unknown number making you think a loved one is in crisis somewhere still riles me. It’s probably not the fault of the chirpy 23 year old who is just trying his best to make a name for himself, but agencies really do phone quite randomly and it is very unsettling early in the morning! I am dubious about their gdpr practices as a whole too. Fairly sure my number has got around to places it shouldn’t have!

ANameChangeAgain · 07/12/2021 15:57

Anyone phoning before normal office hours is rude. I have my phone set to do not disturb till 8.00. By then I'm on my way to work and Bluetooth is one.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 07/12/2021 15:59

Being unnecessarily rude to someone trying to do their job, simply because they're male isn't feminism. It's being a dick.

Damn right.

Offmyfence · 07/12/2021 16:03

@ANameChangeAgain

Anyone phoning before normal office hours is rude. I have my phone set to do not disturb till 8.00. By then I'm on my way to work and Bluetooth is one.
If the days work for the person they're calling means they need to be contacted nearly then surely that's what's required.

This was a recruiter looking to place a supply teacher with a job, the OP is a teacher but the call was apparently not for her.

The guy was just doing his job, it was not rude for him to attempt to match an applicant add position.

She was in her car on hands free, but was irritated as she was tired and had a headache.

Offmyfence · 07/12/2021 16:03

Early not nearly

Forion · 07/12/2021 16:08

These days, anything less than simpering and pathetic is classed as rude. People are over sensitive.

Racdalil · 07/12/2021 16:09

I really don't get all the neg vibes your getting but I don't think you were rude.The fact that you have thought about it all the way to work and then asking us for our opinion shows your prob a nice person and care about society. I take it he didn't introduce himself to you and launched into asking if you were XX which is rude imo. Only introdcing himself when you asked why he called so early.

Telling someone to take you off their books is just being factual. I question his aggressiveness to you and frankly I would email a compliant to the company he worked for.

I dont think all men are the same....but yes we live in a patriarchal society and anyone who denies that is tripping..

IntermittentParps · 07/12/2021 16:36

I have my phone set to do not disturb till 8.00.
If the OP did the same then she wouldn't have needed to answer the phone and get angry about this guy.

Kandinskysnail · 07/12/2021 16:51

Most teachers who have done the commute, dropped kids at childcare and started working by 8am probably can’t leave their phones on do not disturb. I have my phone on from 6:15 - childminder or colleague might need to contact me, work emails start coming through about cover… by 8am I’ve been at work for some time.

swissmodel · 07/12/2021 17:49

I'd have told them to do one for calling so early, but whether he does or doesn't know what's going on in your life is irrelevant.

CliantheLang · 07/12/2021 19:05

You know what's rude? Tone policing women. Women aren't men's service animals. We do not owe them our time, our smiles or our emotional labour to make sure their fee-fees aren't hurt..

I worked for a call center as a teenager and when I reached someone who didn't want to talk to me, I apologized and got off the phone. Needless to say, that job didn't last long.

No, you weren't being rude. He was.

Stellaroses · 07/12/2021 19:12

Not rude. These type of agency calls are basically cold calls. Unless you are signed up to them of course. "You know nothing about my life" was unnecessary but until then you weren't rude.

Babymamaroon · 07/12/2021 19:14

You were most certainly rude.

You weren't forced to answer the call.

Not nice at all. He's just doing his job. Had you been out of work and desperate to pay bills, you might have been rather glad for a call like that.

WomanStanleyWoman · 07/12/2021 19:49

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

You don't know anything about his life either. He was just doing his job, wrong numbers happen.

Someone speaking to me like that when I was trying to help them would have me in tears.

Just be civil to people, it isn't hard. Sometimes I think rude people just want to make your life as shit as theirs.

If being told ‘Please take me off your books’ would have you in tears, you need to get a massive grip. You also need to get the idea that recruiters are lovely kind people ‘trying to help’ out of your head (as do several other posters on this thread).

For a recruiter, the candidate is not their client - the company is. The candidate is essentially the product. Recruitment agents’ earnings are geared heavily towards commission, which is why so many of them come across as pushy even when you’ve shown little interest. For many of the agents I’ve dealt with, the fact that you don’t actually want the role is a mere inconvenience to overcome. I’ve had agents tell me I’m completely wrong about the length of commute, for example, and that I could easily do it in half the time I’ve stated it would take. One colleague of mine was even still being pressured to apply for a particular role even though it required a different second language to the one she actually spoke, as well as a driving licence she didn’t have.

Of course there are very good recruiters too, but their ultimate responsibility is not to the candidate. The man the OP has spoken to this morning most likely threw his little ‘There’s no need to be so rude’ strop because he’s under pressure to find someone, and doesn’t give a toss that the OP wasn’t interested - she was merely someone he wasted 30 seconds on. The idea that he’s deeply wounded by this is ridiculous.

As for all the mawkish ‘You don’t know anything about his life either’ responses, the OP doesn’t need to know anything about it - she’s not the one throwing around accusations of rudeness.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 07/12/2021 19:51

Women aren't men's service animals. We do not owe them our time, our smiles or our emotional labour to make sure their fee-fees aren't hurt..

Good lord it's not being a 'service animal' to say sorry you have the wrong number and hang up. Jesus wept there's some bizarre posts on this thread Confused

Offmyfence · 07/12/2021 19:56

@CliantheLang

You know what's rude? Tone policing women. Women aren't men's service animals. We do not owe them our time, our smiles or our emotional labour to make sure their fee-fees aren't hurt..

I worked for a call center as a teenager and when I reached someone who didn't want to talk to me, I apologized and got off the phone. Needless to say, that job didn't last long.

No, you weren't being rude. He was.

Service animals.... I've heard it all now!
Anaximedes · 08/12/2021 00:08

sorry you have the wrong number

But why does she have to be sorry he's got the wrong number. (Clue: she doesn't.)