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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

377 replies

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:02

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

OP posts:
wonderstuff · 07/12/2021 18:08

I’d expect to pay for a restaurant meal, I’ve never been to a birthday dinner at a restaurant where the host pays. Did a family do recently and a few of us paid for everyone, essentially the children of the birthday boy paid for him and his grandchildren as we are financially in the best position. Was clear to everyone before the meal though.
If you were hiring a venue that would be different, as in come to my party at x location is different to would you like to join me at x restaurant to celebrate my birthday.

Etherealhedgehog · 07/12/2021 18:12

I would fully expect to pay my way as a guest at someone's birthday dinner in a restaurant. I'm pretty sure the host paying in this scenario is a phenomenon that only exists on Mumsnet. But I guess maybe it depends a bit how you frame it - dinner at X restaurant to celebrate your birthday, rather than 'I am hosting dinner...'

Hlglu56 · 07/12/2021 18:12

I would expect to pay for my own meal. My husband’s family always goes out for meals for big birthdays/ anniversaries etc and the guests always pay for themselves. For my sister’s 30th my Mum paid for everyone but for my SIL birthday a few days later we were all in one room at the back of the pub and we all paid for ourselves so i think it depends on your friends.

TheWitchOfShields · 07/12/2021 18:13

We've just been out yesterday for a birthday meal, was mine and my colleagues birthday so invited other colleagues/friends out for a meal - everyone paid for their own meal and drinks. Even when it was suggested as splitting the bill equally, I refused as I'd ordered from the £25 menu not the specials like others and would have been mortified had others paid part of my meal.
I've never been out for a meal and not paid for my own, even when invited

csigeek · 07/12/2021 18:16

I think most people wouldn’t expect you to foot the entire bill.
Definitely make it crystal clear though.
I remember going to a friends 30th party in a private room, had a nice buffet type thing. Bought our own drinks expecting that to be it and at the end of the night we were asked to pay our contribution to the room hire and the food!!!

Itloggedmeoutagain · 07/12/2021 18:21

I had a milestone birthday this year. Nice meal with family and friends. Everyone paid their own way. Wouldn't have occurred to me to pay nor would they have expected it

Pipsquiggle · 07/12/2021 18:26

Lots of good advice on here already.

Is there someone in this group of friends who you could casually have a chat about this to?

I have been to posh restaurants - usually paid for by the inviter; been to gastro pubs where there have been platters and a free bar ; also been to nice restaurants where we've all paid our way.

You just need to be really clear on the invite.
Hope you have a lovely time whatever you do

mumof2exhausted · 07/12/2021 18:27

Totally depends on how you phrase it - WhatsApp message group “hi guys, I’d love to go out for dinner to celebrate my birthday if you’re free on this date”. Everyone pays for themselves (and with my friends could all contribute to pay for you). Proper invite sent out for a “40th birthday celebration “. You pay

jetadore · 07/12/2021 18:29

@Swonderswoman

I have NEVER not paid when going out for someone's birthday. Decades of birthday meals out and never had the "inviter" pay.
Same! Usually it’s the birthday girl/boy who doesn’t pay. For 25 ppl it’s quite normal for everyone to pay for themselves.
Christinatherabbit · 07/12/2021 18:29

Well this is super weird judging from the first few replies. I have friends right across the board socially and in very different financial situations. Unless it was a party at someone's house or at a venue that had been completely hired out I have never been to a 'meal' for 20 plus people with friends that's been paid for by the host. I would feel ridiculous if the person who's birthday it was paid for my food tbh.
Different if it's perhaps family
We recently paid a considerable amount for a family meal (four course catered meal) but they included our children and parents! But at a restaurant celebrating a birthday I would be there because I wanted to help celebrate with a dear friend not expected a free meal especially if I knew their financial situation wasn't currently as good as mine.

Mummadeze · 07/12/2021 18:34

My parents (quite well off) would pay for me. My friends totally wouldn’t! None of my circle would even dream of not paying our own way at a birthday meal unless we were invited to the birthday person’s house. We are all in good careers, not rolling in money but it just wouldn’t even be on our radars to pay for a massive group.

restingbitchface30 · 07/12/2021 18:36

I would perhaps make a gesture. Perhaps pay for all the drinks.

busymomtoone · 07/12/2021 18:37

I think the answer really varies depending on background, upbringing, finances and friendships! I have friends who absolutely wouldn’t contemplate taking £ fir a birthday meal - others where it wouldn’t even cross their mind that each might not pay individually. Having your friends together sounds v important to you so why penalise yourself stressing over this? Pick a not too expensive place, invite as many as you want but make it Crystal clear that you won’t be paying - I would just say it means a lot if they could join you - you can buy some bottles of wine for the table and a lovely cake for dessert ? Have a wonderful celebration! 🎉🎂

Nocutenamesleft · 07/12/2021 18:39

I’ve been caught out a few times when someone says.

Fancy coming to this super posh restaurant?! We’ve booked bad would love you to come. Then tk be lumped with a £300 bill!

We’ve got something in our family that whomever invites. Pays.

So I assume (wrongly) that when we’ve been invited. We won’t pay.

I make sure every time now.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 07/12/2021 18:44

I find the drinks often cost more than the food.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/12/2021 18:44

"And I've been to similar events where I've been paid for. It all comes out in the wash over a lifetime."

Only if you have the same group of friends your whole life and you all do the same.

maybloss2 · 07/12/2021 18:50

Hi op, I think it’s acceptable for guests to pay for themselves BUT I would make this clear. You could send out a message that asks people by saying something like -I’d like to book a b’day bash at…….……. Here is a sample menu - I’d quite understand if people find this too expensive but I will need to know numbers to make a booking. Put a date for them to answer by and see what the response is. If a lot don’t want to pay then choose something cheaper.
In one of my female friendships groups we share the cost of the birthday persons meal between the rest of us. But not all my friends would do this. Clarity before the event makes for nil awkwardness.
Xxxx

Lindylindyloo · 07/12/2021 18:58

It's quite usual in my group of friends to pay for the meal. Best to have a set price with a restricted menu, then people know exactly what they're paying. The better off among us pay for a number of bottles of wine. Alternative is the party with a paying bar, but lay on a buffet. I've done that, as have several others, when you want to have a big celebration.

Dnaltocs · 07/12/2021 18:59

Your birthday then you pay.
It’s horrid when the bill comes and the usual voices complain about how many……someone has so the complainant should pay less. The bill should be divided equally regardless of who has what. It put me off going out with certain folk.
When it’s your birthday you pay.
Perhaps just have a house party.
What ever you decide - happy birthday 🎂 🥳 🍷

Evan456 · 07/12/2021 19:00

You could just arrange a buffet supper

ChampagneLassie · 07/12/2021 19:07

I don't think there is a norm. In general most of my friends birthday meals the expectation is it is split. I think the important thing is making it clear in advance in the wording of the invite. And if you are going to do this, for this many people it might be better to go for a set menu, with a set cost and also state how things will be settled. Having wrangles over a 25 way split at the end of the night will not be pretty. And if you want to in some way "host" then why not cover champagne reception and/or wine with dinner? You might even just ask people to pay a certain about per head in advance and cover the rest?

Cottagepieandpeas · 07/12/2021 19:11

@Swonderswoman

I have NEVER not paid when going out for someone's birthday. Decades of birthday meals out and never had the "inviter" pay.
Ditto. Can’t imagine expecting / allowing the ‘inviter’ to pay, especially when it’s their birthday.
Morgysmum · 07/12/2021 19:15

I would make it clear, how you would split the meal. I say this as we went to my grans mile stone birthday. My parents don't have as much as, my mums sisters and there husbands, they only had a starter and pudding, they said they would pay, for one of my sisters kids as well. But then, my auntie who was at my mums table said they should split the table bill by how many were sat at the table, which screwed my parents, as a couple of bottles of wine where on the bill and everyone else had had a starter too. My mum was annoyed as she doesn't drink and opted not to have a starter, to save some money.
So make it clear, that people pay for there own meals, it doesn't hurt, my mum was going to pay some money towards my grans meal, not sure if she did in the end. It was messy and I don't think she will be so willing to do it again, which is a sh for my gran, but when my mum is only on state pension and one sister is worth millions and the others husband has a building firm, you can see that the can afford, expensive meals out, which my mum and dad cannot.

pinkpirlie · 07/12/2021 19:20

I've never had someone pay for MY food for THEIR birthday, nor have I ever paid for others food on my birthday.
If anything, those around the table pay the bill of the person whose birthday it is as a gift.

Perhaps I just run in different circles. Confused

cushioncovers · 07/12/2021 19:26

I've always paid for my own food at a birthday celebration with friends even when they've specifically invited me. I've never had a host pay for everyone.

Family members can be different. I've been out with family and one family member has treated us all. It's usually the very well off members that have done this.