To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

[YukoandHiro]

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

If I was invited I would definitely expect to pay. Unless you are crazy rich, paying for yourself for a birthday is normal I think

But if you were asked to go to a friends birthday dinner and it was somewhere expensive you didn't fancy, you could just decline the event. There's no rules that say you have to go.

I'd be very hesitant to accept an invite to a costly restaurant if 25 people were going and it was pay for yourself with an open menu.

I don't really live in a world where people go to the Ritz. My friends went to a five star hotel for afternoon tea when one of the girls graduated medical school. But aside from that we tend to go to standard restaurants.

Does "you invite, you pay" extend to non-celebratory reasons?
"Haven't seen you for ages, fancy going out for dinner next week?" If I sent that message, would I have to pay?!
Or "fancy seeing the new bond film?", "fancy getting the train up to London to see the Christmas lights?", "fancy going on a cruise next year?". When does it end???

Yes @Amelion but have you ever done th inviting and PAID for everyone else?

I've been to both kinds of meal out and the person doingthe invitation makes it clear who will be paying and you make your decision based on whether or not you want to go/pay or not.

Nothing unfair about it. Nothing underhand. Nothing forced.

flights, accommodation, bridesmaid dress, and quite often for drinks Oh OK! We are talking about different things. At weddings I'd expect to pay for my own transport, acccommodation, clothing and drinks.

Bridesmaids dresses are are thing for the bride to discussw with whomever was going to be wearing/paying for them. Again, a discussion, informed consent.

I don't really live in a world where people go to the Ritz. My friends went to a five star hotel for afternoon tea when one of the girls graduated medical school. But aside from that we tend to go to standard restaurants.

Me either but I could see that it might be more doable if a group of people got together to defray costs.

I'd quite like to try it...

@Swonderswoman

I have NEVER not paid when going out for someone's birthday. Decades of birthday meals out and never had the "inviter" pay.

Same here. No-one in my wide friendship circle could afford it. I would never be expecting the inviter to pay, if anything we tend to pay for the person who's birthday it is.

I've been and hosted both varieties. A formal invite to dinner to celebrate your birthday, I'd pay for everyone. A more casual, I'd love to go for a meal to celebrate my birthday, set menu is £xx and here's the menu, please let me know if you'd like to come is also absolutely fine I think! I'd happily accept both but good to the know the plan.

@Swonderswoman

I don't really live in a world where people go to the Ritz. My friends went to a five star hotel for afternoon tea when one of the girls graduated medical school. But aside from that we tend to go to standard restaurants.

Does "you invite, you pay" extend to non-celebratory reasons?
"Haven't seen you for ages, fancy going out for dinner next week?" If I sent that message, would I have to pay?!
Or "fancy seeing the new bond film?", "fancy getting the train up to London to see the Christmas lights?", "fancy going on a cruise next year?". When does it end???

No, definitely not. It's for formal, set piece events such as significant birthdays, where the host has chosen the venue and often the menu as well. I suppose it's more like a wedding.

One of the benefits is that the person choosing the venue is the one paying, so they can control the costs. That means you can pick somewhere nice without worrying about passing on the cost and you don't need to bother about splitting the bill. It works very well if you can afford it but obviously not at all if you can't.

Both systems are fine and equally fair as long as people know what's what, although personally I wouldn't want to choose an expensive restaurant if my guests were going to pay, as it's a bit presumptuous to say "please join me to celebrate my birthday, only £200 a head!"

Yes I’ve invited and paid!

No, it doesn’t apply to regular catch ups. But to big birthdays and similar like anniversaries it’s generally the person inviting pays. They’ve chosen to have a party and an expansive meal. Like I say, if you don’t want to pay as the host make that very clear and don’t be offended if people don’t come.

That’s what I think, if you want fancy then you should pay.

@Swonderswoman

I have NEVER not paid when going out for someone's birthday. Decades of birthday meals out and never had the "inviter" pay.

Same here.

@SSOYS yes - 100% agree. It’s the ‘come to my birthday at a swanky restaurant for £150 a head plus booze’ is a bit presumptuous

We did afternoon tea at the Ritz for a friends birthday with 10 of us.

We all paid & chipped in to cover friend for her birthday too, as is normal. I'm a bit aghast that people would expect the birthday girl to pay for everything... it's their birthday, they should be treat, not doing the treating

Different to hiring a hall or function room & laying on a buffet & having a big milestone birthday party, been to & done those too & in that case the host pays as too difficult to do otherwise, but in my experience, the host isn't the birthday person, but someone close to them who is throwing them a party

@RockinHorseShit

We did afternoon tea at the Ritz for a friends birthday with 10 of us.

We all paid & chipped in to cover friend for her birthday too, as is normal. I'm a bit aghast that people would expect the birthday girl to pay for everything... it's their birthday, they should be treat, not doing the treating

Different to hiring a hall or function room & laying on a buffet & having a big milestone birthday party, been to & done those too & in that case the host pays as too difficult to do otherwise, but in my experience, the host isn't the birthday person, but someone close to them who is throwing them a party

But @RockinHorseShit the OP IS talking about hiring a private dining room which IME probably means a set menu (?) for 25 people for a milestone birthday. Not suggesting a catch up with a few friends in the local restaurant.

as is normal

Isn't the whole point that different people have different normals? I paid for everyone at my 40th and it was great- I planned a lovely evening, invited 30 friends and we all had a great time with no fiddling about with bills at the end. And I've been to similar events where I've been paid for. It all comes out in the wash over a lifetime.

Where does this idea come from of supposedly having to pay for everyone?

I often go out for friends' birthdays and my own, and never have I ever seen one person foot the bill for everyone else among friends. If we did that, very few of us would ever be able to afford to celebrate our birthdays! Who on earth can afford to foot the bill for that many people?

Ive been to tonnes of birthday meals out for friends birthdays and never has this covered the cost of my meal. If anything everyone throws the bit extra to cover the birthday meal. If you were to pay for 25 people it would cost over a grand. Which would be crazy for anyone expect you to do that for your birthday meal. They either want to come or they dont and say no.
The birthday parties ive been to have been a buffet so the host pays but a sit down meal out. God no.
Ive seen this question on mumsnet a few times though and it must be a rich circle thing.

I think you get to choose. You could choose a menu and show friends and ask what they think. Maybe pay for the food and not the drink or the other way around. I don't think it matters what you do as long as you are upfront about it so people can choose not to come if they don't want to.

I paid the food and asked everyone else to pay for booze.
Which I am now thinking was a massive faux pas!
Though they’re all still friends with me.

If you want 25 friends, invite them somewhere for a buffet and then pay.

It's a lot to pay for £25 restaurant meals.

If you're asking them to pay, you can't "invite" them. You would have to say that you are "organising a meal out for your birthday ".

Equally - if you organise the meal, you can't expect everyone to chip in for you.

I’ve never had the inviter pay for dinner, nor have I paid as the inviter. As long as you make it clear on the invite I don’t think there will be an issue.

In my family and friendship group its not at all normal for the birthday girl/boy to pay for the food for a sit down meal.

A disco/party with buffet, yes they pay but a sit down with menu then everyone pays their own food. Its not even normal for them to buy drinks. In fact guests usually buy the birthday person a drink.

I think the smaller the group, the more I would expect to pay for myself

A party for 25 guests sounds like your friends rather than mine, so I'm sure they're very pleasant, but I'd be less inclined to spend my hard earned ££ making polite conversation with your friends

But it really depends what's normal in your circle. And if you are asking people to pay for themselves, especially a large group, make sure it's a set menu, and separate menu for alcoholic drinks. Otherwise, it's really unfair on the people who end up paying ££ to subsidise the people who order 3 courses, steak, lobster, champagne etc

Out of curiosity, are the people saying that OP should pay middle class upwards? I ask as I wonder if the answer differs depending on class, I'm working class and would never dream of the birthday person paying for everyone, we (the guests) would split the costs between us, paying for the birthday person's meal and drinks too. I do this with friends as well as family.

I think it's different if the inviter is having people over to their homes, but even then people usually offer to bring something even if it's a bottle.