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Original poster

To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

377 replies

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:02

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

OP posts:
joinedduetodunkthread · 07/12/2021 19:28

I have never been to a sit down restaurant birthday and not paid. Of course everyone should pay for their own food. Maybe get wine for the table but I would never expect the birthday person to pay for me!!

Kteeb1 · 07/12/2021 19:33

How funny. I've never not paid when going out for a birthday meal. Opposite in fact as often we will group together and pay for the birthday girl or boy! I would always assume I'd pay my own and decide if I did afford it. If it was an actual catered birthday party that's different but if a meal out with a few people for a birthday I'd always pay my own way and never known it any different.

LethargeMarg · 07/12/2021 19:41

I have NEVER been out for someone's birthday meal and they have paid. It's a bit annoying when you end up paying for the person who's birthday it is or when they choose somewhere really expensive but I have always paid my way. Never heard of anything different.

ReeseWitherfork · 07/12/2021 19:47

It’s horrid when the bill comes and the usual voices complain about how many……someone has so the complainant should pay less. The bill should be divided equally regardless of who has what.

Eugh, as a vegetarian who doesn't drink, I'm fucking sick of subsidising people's steak and bottles of wine. I never complain, but more often than not, someone will point out I've not racked up as much of a bill so to knock a bit off mine, thank goodness. It's usually entitled wankers who decide to selfishly overlook it.

I don't personally see that it's that much effort for the receipt to go round the table and each person quietly spend two minutes quickly adding up what they've spent. I'm not talking about getting a calculator out, but adding the rough cost of a couple of courses and a couple of drinks just doesn't take much effort.

NinaProudman2022 · 07/12/2021 19:57

I would opt for a nice buffet at a cheaper restaurant or home party.

Or nice restaurant with set menu costing X per person and sat we DH and say we will provide wine for the table.

WhoppingBigBackside · 07/12/2021 20:01

It’s horrid when the bill comes and the usual voices complain about how many……someone has so the complainant should pay less. The bill should be divided equally regardless of who has what.

I'm another vegetarian and am usually driving and there is usually one person who orders something expensive and several side dishes and drinks and has a brandy after the meal.

It pushes the meal beyond some of the party's budgets

Fairylights25 · 07/12/2021 20:04

I would always pay if I was inviting friends to something like a special birthday dinner.

If it is a stretch to offer dinner, why not a lovely drinks party in a cool bar/restaurant with nibbles and canapes?

Kteeb1 · 07/12/2021 20:09

:01WhoppingBigBackside

It’s horrid when the bill comes and the usual voices complain about how many……someone has so the complainant should pay less. The bill should be divided equally regardless of who has what

I remember going out for a meal in my first proper job. I was in a new town and had no friends. I went out with work people. O had no money as first job and flat. O only drank tap water. I ate a child's cheese pizza saying I wasn't hungry. Everyone else had started mains and puddings. They split the bill. Was so embarrassing I had hardly any money but didn't feel able to speak up. Its fine if you all had pretty much the same thing but there may be reasons why people don't want to split. Never forgotten it.

BoredZelda · 07/12/2021 20:19

I have NEVER not paid when going out for someone's birthday. Decades of birthday meals out and never had the "inviter" pay.

At an event like this where the person chooses and books a private room at an expensive restaurant and chooses a set menu?

BoredZelda · 07/12/2021 20:20

It’s horrid when the bill comes and the usual voices complain about how many……someone has so the complainant should pay less. The bill should be divided equally regardless of who has what

I’m sensing someone who orders the fillet steak and drinks cocktails.

WhoppingBigBackside · 07/12/2021 20:20

@Kleeb1, I've been on one of those too. I had a main and a side and tap water.There was a young couple in the group who were saving to buy a house. One in the group had two main dishes etc.

Had that person had a bit of sense they would have thrown in an extra £30.

The people with the expensive tastes were the highest earners. The two-main-dishes person was horrible and did very little at work

Wormwoodm · 07/12/2021 20:25

When we go out for birthday meals we pay for ourselves and chip in for the birthday person. They don’t pay for everyone. Saying that it’s normally the friends organising it, not the person celebrating so maybe that’s the difference?
If a party, the host pays.

DBI78 · 07/12/2021 20:30

I think in a restaurant everyone would pay for themselves but at a private party hosts would pay.

Lovely13 · 07/12/2021 20:37

Remember my dad telling me I should have paid for all guests at my 30th dinner. Honestly hadn’t occurred to me! Weddings are different. But birthdays are more casual, surely.

Sparklybanana · 07/12/2021 20:44

It would be a pleasant surprise if the host paid but I wouldn't expect it. I'd fully expect to pay.

nopuppiesallowed · 07/12/2021 20:47

Have you considered bringing in outside caterers? We've done that before and it was brilliant!

Elfblossom · 07/12/2021 20:54

After reading some of the replies (but admittedly, not all) ...

I'd say there's a definite class divide when it comes to 'going out for a birthday meal' ...

In my world, everyone pays for their own AND all the guests would put towards paying for the birthday girl/boys meal too!

I bet some of you buy the cakes for everyone in the office on YOUR birthday don't you?! Grin

Overnightoats1 · 07/12/2021 21:17

If it's a milestone birthday you should absolutely pay - a standard meet up for dinner you may split but if you are inviting people for a special occasion you should definitely be paying.

BoredZelda · 07/12/2021 21:47

I'd say there's a definite class divide when it comes to 'going out for a birthday meal'

In my world, everyone pays for their own AND all the guests would put towards paying for the birthday girl/boys meal too!

It has nothing to do with class divide. I’m guessing in your world nobody hires a private dining room and books a set menu, issuing formal invites either.

It is about the setting, not the occasion. It’s not a bunch of people deciding to go out to ‘spoons or wherever to celebrate a birthday.

That’s the difference and I can’t understand why so many can’t see the difference.

KarmaStar · 07/12/2021 22:14

I don't agree with the pp saying you invite,you pay.
That's pretty poor form.
Invite them,send them copied of menus,request deposits and add each individual(s) bill will be paid by them rather than dividing the final bill at the end of the evening.
It makes it Crystal clear they must pay their way.
Have a lovely time

Sydendad · 07/12/2021 22:36

If it's a big one and you are inviting only good friends, I think it's perfectly acceptable to just raise the issue. Just say you would like to big it and ask if your friends are happy to contribute. I think it's ok to ask for something. I don't think it's ok to ask for everything, I think you should pay for something. Maybe the drinks or maybe the food. I'd be happy to pay my meal if the drinks were on you. ( I suggest the other way around though as that is more controllable)

RockinHorseShit · 07/12/2021 23:10

@Amelion

A private dining room isn't the same thing as a hall or function room, it's much smaller & much more personal, been there & done that one too & we paid our own & chipped in for birthday girl. Anything else would be very odd to me

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 07/12/2021 23:12

I’ve had both, but I’d say the majority of the time each person / couple / family pays for their own. Generally it’s when the host is better off than the invitees that they cover costs. I invited ds and his gf to my birthday meal this year, they’re both students and it was a more expensive place than they’d choose, so I covered all the meals. They insisted on paying their own way for drinks though. I’ve also been to celebrations where everyone chips in for the birthday person’s meal. So there’s no hard and fast rule.

CelestiaNoctis · 07/12/2021 23:12

Haha what, no of course not. What in the rich shit is this. If they can't afford the meal then they won't come but they have to pay for themselves. If anything they should be paying for your meals considering its your birthday.

BoredZelda · 07/12/2021 23:21

A private dining room isn't the same thing as a hall or function room, it's much smaller & much more personal, been there & done that one too & we paid our own & chipped in for birthday girl. Anything else would be very odd to me

Presuming she was a woman and not actually a girl, did she choose it, book it, set the menu and send a formal invite you all?

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