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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

377 replies

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:02

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

OP posts:
SuperHeroSweepStake · 06/12/2021 22:42

I would expect to pay for myself. I would put myself and my friends firmly in the middle class bracket but none of us earn megabucks. We all have relatively young children who take all our money!

I did have a friend suggest Dubai for a landmark birthday. I just had to decline!

However we never go anywhere particularly fancy. Posh chains and inexpensive independents I'm afraid.

Plentyofcod · 06/12/2021 23:16

I never do, and I love inviting people out when I've got something to celebrate. For my last birthday 20 of us got together in a private dining room in a very nice pub with a good chef. They provided a fixed price menu which I sent round to everyone when I invited them. I told them that we'd be booking in advance with a £5 deposit each and that I'd buy wine for the table. I always do something like this, nobody ever takes umbrage.

LittleMissTake · 06/12/2021 23:39

Normally the birthday girl doesn’t pay.

I think it’s fine to ask friends if they want to join you for a special meal for your birthday (and make it very clear how much it will cost).

maddening · 07/12/2021 00:12

Fine to go and guests pay for own restaurant meal, do not see the problem.

For one bday of mine I did go to a nice place and paid for a buffet which was about 15 per head and ample, people paid their own drinks and I supplied the cake.

Nsky · 07/12/2021 00:51

I’m planning a few prob 12 for my 60th, I will pay dinner, 2 supper club menus, so will encourage that, tho won’t pay for drinks.
Make clear on invites

KosherDill · 07/12/2021 01:09

@endingintiers

I think it's a private room in an expensive place - it's different to inviting people to join you in a restaurant for dinner where they can choose what they want (or nothing!) from the menu. Usually there's a minimum spend, and you couldn't do it without them there . So I'd probably say something like 'for my birthday, instead of a gift I'd love it if we could go for a special dinner together here instead' and let them know what their contribution will be. Then they can choose.
I just shudder at the idea of inviting people to a party with a price tag attached.

Better to have a simple wine and cheese gathering at home. Or tell people "we'll be at X Pub from 7-9 Thursday celebrating my birthday if you want to pop in for a drink." Not obligate them to an expensive meal.

user53782991 · 07/12/2021 01:23

Why would they expect you to pay Confused

KosherDill · 07/12/2021 01:25

@user53782991

Why would they expect you to pay Confused
Because hosts generally do.
PrincessNutella · 07/12/2021 01:45

If I did it I would have a set menu.

snowdropsandcrocuses · 07/12/2021 02:51

I am 40 years old and have been out for dozens of birthday meals on my adult years. I have NEVER ever expected others to pay nor has anyone paid for me. Sometimes, when the bill is split, guests have agreed to pay for birthday person's meal but never ever the other way round. This simply isn't the norm in lower / middle class income households. Maybe the rich and lush are able to do this but with a rule like that, nobody would be able to have their friends come together. M
If you are worried, simply make it clear but surely you've been invited out for meals with friends before? What is your social norm?

When I eat out with one or two, we tend to split the bill. With lots of us we again split the bill of anyone has way less or low income they can speak up and pay only for what they had.

All this bullshit about social etiquette is ridiculous. These are your friends. People ypu love and that should love you. Fuck etiquette and talk to them.

"Hi all, would absolutely love you to join us at xxx on xxx as it's my ... birthday. Have chosen xxx [restaurant] as it's apparently great food and should be relatively affordable. Meals are around £xx per person and sample menu attached. Please let us know if you can join us! Love you guys!"

Simple

KosherDill · 07/12/2021 02:54

All this bullshit about social etiquette is ridiculous. These are your friends. People ypu love and that should love you. Fuck etiquette and talk to them.

This may work for you but others are entitled to conduct themselves to different standards without being insulted.

christmaspavlova · 07/12/2021 04:39

Yes you are expected to pay for your guests meals if you invite them. I wouldn't pay for their drinks though.
Many years ago I was at a wedding with an open bar and remember all the adults practically mobbing the place, swarming like vermin . As a non drinker it was very funny to watch, I'd dread to think what the final bill was though.

abstractprojection · 07/12/2021 05:58

It might be more affordable to have catering and do BYOB, atleast more predictable as fixed

I did this for my 30th with my living room converted into a restaurant for 20 with multiple table and chairs (the dining set, patio, and one long folding table with stools from ikea), floor length white table cloths, flowers, and candles. We had three courses tuna tartare, goats cheese and berry salad, and roast beef and then cake

I told everyone to come dressed to the nine under threat of me dressing them and to bring something bubbly

It was a bit of effort but was fabulous and really special

Hope you have a good one

peaceatlastnot · 07/12/2021 06:03

I think it depends on social circles doesn’t it and that’s clear from your responses on here. How about you find somewhere mid range where there’s an offer on menus? You pay for drinks and your friends pay for their meal? Make
It clear on invite.

Wooky8 · 07/12/2021 06:08

Unless it's a wedding, I'd always expect to pay for my own meal at a restaurant.

RockinHorseShit · 07/12/2021 06:27

ConfusedConfusedConfusedConfused

I have never been invited to a birthday meal, special big birthday or otherwise & been expected the host to pay. Usually we chip in to cover the birthday person too

Gobsmacked at the entitlement for a free meal on here Confused

Odoreida · 07/12/2021 07:34

Agree with those saying just make it clear. For my husband's 50th I booked a private room and emailed all his dearest friends and said 'please come and celebrate, set menu is £35, I'll try and cover the booze depending on how much we have'. It depends on how well you know your friends

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 07/12/2021 08:07

All the big landmark birthdays in our family have been catered 'do's' as it were. Like mini wedding celebrations. All the birthday ppl have paid for it just like you would a wedding. However this is the older generation so 60th birthdays +. For my circle of friends for our 40th/50th, we've done something together and paid our own.

KeepYaHeadUp · 07/12/2021 10:18

If this was organised in any of my friendship groups we'd all expect to pay our own. It would be a "meal out" rather than a party or event though.

SSOYS · 07/12/2021 11:24

Gobsmacked at the entitlement for a free meal on here

I think you've misunderstood the discussion.

AmIgoinghomeforXmas · 07/12/2021 11:35

Gobsmacked at the entitlement for a free meal on here

It isn't entitled to understand that there is more than one social convention regarding attending meals you have been invited to.

A discussion about which convention you are going to follow and how to make that clear to your invitees again doesn't involve entitlement.

londonrach · 07/12/2021 13:21

As a family we done it both ways but always let people know before!

Amelion · 07/12/2021 13:39

I’d expect you to pay as the inviter. Nothing worse than being invited to something and having to pay yourself - especially if it’s expensive. I don’t want to spend a lot of money on an expensive dinner that isn’t of my own choosing. It’s like going to weddings where you have to pay for everything, it’s rubbish.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 07/12/2021 13:43

Do you get lots of invitations @Amelion

Do you also send out lots?

And I have never been to a wedding where I've had to pay. Does this really happen?

I can't imagine that...

Amelion · 07/12/2021 13:50

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

Been to a few big birthdays, over the last few years like the OP was describing (private dining) and the organiser pays. If you want to have a party at The Ritz for 25 people but can’t afford it, is it fair to ask them all to pay? You’d have to be really bloody clear that it was completely optional and you won’t take offence if they choose not to come. You don’t know other people’s financial situations and what their priorities are - I don’t want to pay £100 or more for a fancy dinner because the organiser wants to have a champagne celebration on a lemonade budget. I’ve got other priorities that I’d rather spend my money on.

And yes, been to weddings where I’ve had to pay for flights, accommodation, bridesmaid dress, and quite often for drinks. They can be a massive money sink - it you’re organising and planning for a wedding you should do so within your own means IMO and not expect guests to pay for it. They’re your guests.

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