Bad manners/no filter/rude what has happened to lots of people?

[Fairylights25]

We held a Christmas party at our house for our friends and neighbours on Saturday night, and I wish I hadn't bothered. It was A LOT of work preparing all of the food, buying all of the drinks and decorating etc and took weeks to organise.
On the day people were texting as late as 4pm to say they had the sniffles, but negative lft so clearly not covid, but they couldn't make it (they go out all of the time so not scared of the virus) Totally rubbish excuses like a long week at work etc etc. Really I was offended by the excuses and why couldn't they have let me know in the morning? Or the day before? Or not accepted in the first place.

On the actual night many people turned up totally empty handed, extremely late in some cases, in random clothes like shorts with no effort, were rude to each other and criticising the music and a few other things like the lack of craft beer etc.
These people are (supposedly) good friends, we haven't seen them for a few months, so this is out of character for many of them, but they were barely polite and some had no filter at all. It was REALLY hard work for some reason.
Half way through I wondered why I had even thought this was a good idea to have the party, it cost so much money. I tried to make the most of it, and ensure everyone had a good time and they did I am pretty sure. People got into the swing of it, and really seemed to enjoy the evening and it ended very late at 2am - we provided everything fine wines, gorgeous food.

I have had two thank yous by text from the 30+ people that came. I feel so deflated and hurt. Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a thank you text message?

I don't think I will ever host another party after this :(

@Fairylights25Your party sounds lovely OP.

Can't understand people not dressing up, surely that's part of the fun.
And not bringing a bottle or gift is unbelievable.

I have in the past though taken champagne to parties, it's gone straight in the cupboard and I've had mulled wjne or an equally shit drink thrust at me. I'm polite though and never say a word.
And my friends and I all send thank you messages after dos.

The biggest quandary I now have is my milestone birthday in Feb and don't know whether I can face having the party that is in the process of being organised for me by dh. I really don't think I can face it again

Fuck it! Cancel it and do something else instead. Make it special in a different way.

I am also finding that people are completely different during this pandemic. I'm in another country where we are in fucking lockdown again but during the months we've been "free" people have been tetchy, argumentative, rude, no filter, everything revolves around their needs etc. Let alone all the selfish unvaccinated/holier-than-thou vaccinated spreading it anyway arguments which are a constant feature of life here.
I'm also finding that clients in my business are much more aggressive and rude, cancel all the time for no reason whatsoever and kick up a stink about wanting money back (read your terms and conditions....)

It's making life very difficult. Some of my friends have remained nice but I'm finding that even they have little time (despite there being far fewer leisure opportunities) even for a quick chat by phone, let alone go out somewhere (when we're not in lockdown).
People have very much retreated into their own little worlds and seem to struggle when out of their little bubbles.

@Fairylights25

TheVanguardSix I seriously appreciate your post, I know it isn't me, I was standing there simply listening to most of it thinking wtf!

My friends always text the following day to say what a great night etc, it is NOT normal at all for this not to happen. I have been to some less than great nights and still always thanked the person hosting the party.

I did go to some trouble I agree, and definitely more than laying out a few M&S platters because it has been so long since we were all together and I wanted to make sure they had fun. I so wish I could press rewind, order the platters and some plonk and not bothered quite as much as I did. I don't expect anyone to notice, but it is good manners to at least say thank you. Everyone knew it was a Christmas party, it was Saturday night so no crossed wires, we have had parties like this for years pre covid. Nothing unusual or different about this one, apart from the fact it was HARD WORK! Keeping everyone happy.

Those that have not done this lately prob need to try it to understand. It is not a great feeling to be fair.

I feel your pain. It is quite an effort to host but you happily do it if everyone has a good time. And you probably wanted to make it nice for your friends if you haven't all been together in a while.

But some have become a bit strange over the last few years and possibly have forgotten how to be relaxed around others.

Shodan That is exactly it. In a nutshell. It is not expectation, certainly not on my part, but just how things normally are.
I could live with most of it, but I am hurt by the lack of a thank you text that takes seconds to send.

My dh has already invited people to the party in early Feb, and I am not sure if I can cancel without it being embarrassing but I can not face it on my birthday as well, if it is anything like Saturday

Still time at this stage to cancel.

I think its the covid factor. People are stressed. I'm not in the UK, but my family are, and I have noticed mumsnet has become much ruder and more confrontational than it used to be, but I totally get why. My folks are in the UK and Ireland, and they have told me of all sorts of tense and odd situations, I think a lot of people are just reacting to it all. Your party sounds great, but maybe your timing wasn't?

I suppose more people now have money worries, health worries, relationship strains, concerns about relatives, job insecurities, worries about their teenagers / students and DC's prospects, and a mistrust of the government and the media that wasn't as pronounced previously, and it all starts to add up to the brittleness of chronic stress.

Add to this mix the spectre of another set of social restrictions, Christmas pressures, bloody Facebook and the Omicron omnishambles, then I think a lot of people are feeling some rage starting to bubble.

But yet ... people historically have always had stress, and enjoyed a good party and minded their manners. This simmering anger in the air in cities is awful - it's like an unbridled exasperation. And as a pp said, it is perhaps reflected on MN these days.

What a rude and ungrateful bunch!

@HosannainExcelSheets

Your party sounds like the awful forced socialising with billions of rules that is "fun" and everyone has a "brilliant time" and says shallow things about decor and nibbles all evening... While thinking something else entirely. I'm not sure anyone actually enjoys that type of forced gathering, do they?

And with COVID the lack of practice on socially acceptable outward behaviour means that reality is shining through.

In your position, I honestly wouldn't bother again if you don't enjoy the company of the people you invited.

Wow. So nice to know that when people spend time and money and make an effort, it is met with this sort of rude attitude! How do you know that the subjects under discussion were shallow Hossanna btw?

Your party sounds lovely to me op! I get it because I used to host a lot pre-pandemic. People don't host any more (for very legitimate reasons) and so don't understand how much is involved.

I had two sets of guests staying two Christmas's ago. One lot stayed here and one lot at a hotel around the corner. All meals eaten here. The people who stayed with us saw all the shopping, food prep and all of the clearing up involved after each meal. The ones who stayed in the hotel arrived to a clean house and freshly laden table each time. Guess which set of guests wrote to thank us and which didn't? The ones who stayed at the hotel just didn't appreciate how much work we put in while they were elsewhere. Not because we were showing off or doing anything extravagant, but because hosting at home involves a lot of effort however simple you keep it. Extra chairs, plates, glasses & cutlery, extra washing up, the odd extra course, the extra shopping trip, the extra dish washer loads. It all adds up! And people don't seem to be able to appreciate or imagine what goes on behind the scenes unless they have done it themselves.

There has been a noticeable coarsening of behaviour over the last few years starting before Covid and accelerating from there.

Our culture from the top down is becoming more selfish. If you go abroad for a bit and come back, you really notice it. Also a lot of people have spent a lot of time shouting and being rude online and they’ve forgotten how to interact with people offline.

That's really shocking from good friends. I wouldn't be so surprised if it were people you didn't know well (sadly) but I can't imagine any of my good friends behaving like that.
I do think not seeing people and communicating on Zoom etc means we miss out on how we usually all socially 'police' ourselves and each other – through non-verbal and very subtle sort of 'vibes', for want of a better word –you know when, when you're in a room with people, you can just tell something you've said isn't going down well and you can backtrack? and you can send 'vibes' to people to let them know their behaviour isn't OK.
Someone in my household who was in an office job now works from home all the time, on Zoom/Teams, and says his colleagues come across as much more abrupt than in real life –saying 'Don't do it that way' rather than 'Can we try it this way?' etc, complaining if they can hear background noise like the washing machine or other conversations etc when I have eg. a tradesperson in . People seem to forget that these are homes, not just work spaces.

My dh has already invited people to the party in early Feb, and I am not sure if I can cancel without it being embarrassing but I can not face it on my birthday as well, if it is anything like Saturday

It's not embarrassing. Just cancel it. Say you've decided to do something else instead.
You can blame Omicron if you want. Just say you don't think it's sensible to be holding a large gathering in the depths of winter with omicron on the rise. (I mean obviously you've just held a party so it sounds a bit odd - but maybe you can phrase it a bit better).

Your “friends” are indeed rude and impolite.

This is a lesson for you to learn. These people are ungrateful and entitled. At least a thank you txt should have been sent. But do not host any event for these people again.

Your party sounds like it was lovely, but unfortunately some people don’t know how to behave out of their home these days.

I think the recent news coverage has ramped some people's stress up again.

It is rude not to bring a bottle, but much of what you criticise, I don't see as being rude at all.

1. Anyone with a cold, even if negative LFT, should not come to a party. It is govt advice that LFT cannot overrule symptoms, and even if it's just a cold, these days people are more cautious about spreading respiratory viruses.
2. If I have a party at my home, people can wear what the hell they like. Are you Hyacinth Bouquet?
3. If I go to a party, I thank the hosts in person as I leave. How many different forms of thank you do you require?
4. For a large party like that, it's really common for some people to turn up fairly late. Chill out.
5. If the party cost you so much money that it's starting to sting, then don't spend so much. Next time, if there is one, be explicit in the invite that you'd like everyone to bring a bottle and some food.

I am so glad to read we are not the only ones experiencing this, nor just in England - maybe a more global thing reading these posts ilssagain which is making me feel much better strangely. As I was thinking maybe it was a really crap party even if people seemed to enjoy it, and doubt myself. I was thinking I had done something wrong.

It was exactly that though, alot of very high maintenance demands that are not usual, and not much care for other guests feelings, and just really really hard work in a way I am not able to describe in words. Just keeping them all happy when usually it is effortless, and people just get stuck into the wine, enjoy good company, this felt very far from easy.

I think I will cancel my birthday party. Which is a shame, but I don't have the energy to go through that again. The stress of not knowing if anyone will turn up/enjoy it/be in the right place for a party.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Yes I do think it's lockdown related.

I was literally about to start a thread saying i've lost all my social skills and confidence about socialising and did anyone have any tips! If i go out, there's a good chance i'll fall into the "ignorant person" category. I just don't know how to socialise any more :(

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your own party though, i'd always bring something.

Yep, I've just been thinking I've only met up with people twice this year & they were summonses not at my instigation.

It's not good...on the other hand, I've lost the will to make the effort.

Why don't you weed out the rude ones & have a smaller, more curated party?

I’m so sorry you were so disappointed by your friend’s behaviour at your party. I think that people have been alone with their own thoughts (and bottles) for far too long and forgotten how to empathise and connect. I think you did a fabulous thing and you really didn’t deserve to be hurt and disappointed by this. Perhaps over time, these people will re-evolve to the friends they were before, but I think like you, I would be loathe to be putting any effort into the entitled taunts… Meanwhile, since you sound like my kind of human, @Fairylights25 I have solved your birthday problem. (In TWO very clever ways!!!) First…. You and DH come and spend it with MEEEEEE. I can promise you cocktails and lovely people and MUCH warmer weather, because I’m in Aus. The second way I’m helping you out is because of you time your flights right, you can be going over the International Dateline and skip that day entirely!!!! I know this from experience. I worked this out when I looked at my watch thinking I am just about to turn 40… I looked at the flight data thingie on the back of the seat and we’d skipped my bday entirely, so I thought to myself, “Great! I’m still in my 30’s!” (I’m currently Thirty Nineteen, and will turn Thirty Twenty if I can organize the right flights to New Zealand in July.)

@IncompleteSenten

I really think lockdown has revealed our true character. People have forgotten how to play the social game. Remove that mask and you see just how unpleasant and selfish people (generally) really are. I don't believe covid has changed people. I believe it has exposed people.

Yes actually I agree with this. I've noticed that every time restrictions are put back into place ie reintroducing masks and SD, a lot of people immediately start policing others' behaviour. They'd clearly just been waiting for the green light to be arseholes again. So yes I do think the past two years have revealed people's true colours.

It sounds like a lovely party and you sound like a lovely friend. No excuse, not lockdown or becoming more insular can be used here, it is just downright rude and lacking in manners to behave the way these so called friends have. In future I would just have a few friends over that you know share your values and stuff the rest of them - their loss.

Hope you still have some yummy food and wine left over to treat yourself!

@Gwenhwyfar

"The last time we gave a party at Christmas, I think we ordered some wine and spirits, got some extra ice, fastened a lot of paper stars to the ceilings (we'd just moved into a big, battered Victorian house that needed to be gutted, so no fancy decor, and most of our belongings were still in boxes), and put a few trays of M and S snacks and mince pies in the oven."

I was thinking about having Christmas drinks and seriously I was planning on having just a bit of red and white wine, a soft drink option and nothing ore because people would bring their own drinks. Then for decorations just a tiny bit of tinsel. I've never provided ice though I have been asked for it once. It's Christmas and cold enough imo!

I already know from MN that I'm a crap host, but I'm really wondering what takes weeks to organise. Even if you provide food...

You're not a crap host. That's the type of party that happens in my family and and friends.

There was a close family party last night for a special birthday. Yes lots of people cancelled due to having a cold or just being knackered and some cancelled because they have their own close family meet ups next week end and don't want to risk having to isolate. Sil was totally expecting this beforehand, a couple did actually turn up loaded with cold and coughing (but with negative PCR) and a couple of CEV people made their excuses and left early so as not to make a fuss because they didn't want to catch anything. Other than that it was just like a pre covid party. Nobody was rude.

People bring their own alcohol for the most part too, a little buffet is put on and lager and standard wine is out out but spirits people bring their own because, to be honest, neither of us can affords to be spending on loads on multiple bottles of spirits, gifts aren't bought either, (unless it's a birthday), no dress codes and some people will get dressed up and others will wear ripped jeans and t shirt, and that's exactly what happened last night and everyone had a great time and a dance later. It's all very casual, relaxed and informal. You'll find one neighbour in his mucky gardening clothes dancing with another neighbour in her Sunday best. That's exactly what last nights party was like.

We all help clean up at the end of the night, we say thank you before the party when invited , offer help and ask if anything needs bringing, and thanks is given before leaving the party too.

My dh has already invited people to the party in early Feb, and I am not sure if I can cancel without it being embarrassing but I can not face it on my birthday as well, if it is anything like Saturday

Cancel. And be honest about it too - “was all rather difficult at Christmas, so we’ve had a rethink”. Do something smaller with the people you really want to, or do something you’d really like to do.

@Fairylights25

Daisy I am in England, and in same city as you describe, and yes there is a weird tension. What is it? I was out the night before having drinks, and it felt like it was about to kick off at any moment even though it was a very nice place with very laid back atmosphere.

Oh wow, he is more cold hardy than me.

Yes, it's bad. I had a lockdown birthday last year and though it was depressing, if the atmosphere carries on like this, I'm not going anywhere.

My area tends to get worse at Xmas anyway, maybe all areas do though.

Personally I will be keeping my head down due to the atmosphere. We normally go to ballet as a Christmas treat but the tension on the Tube is scary.

I actually think the key here is the rude guests inflicting their behaviour on others.

It's totally fair that people have changed over the last year, many people have reevaluated their priorities and there is nothing wrong with that. There is a lot wrong with being rude to others in the name of it and expecting them to accept it.

I've had friends in the past who would be very upset by that sort of behaviour. So the reality is that I simply would not accept the invitation from them anymore. I'm realistic that my priorities have absolutely changed, a party is not on my important list and I can admit to myself I detest that sort of socialising.

I politely decline. If the relationship with the person depends on my attendance then its not a relationship I want. But what you don't do is attend and upset the host. That's not OK, or cancelling last minute.

We have made the decision that we are not playing the social game anymore because it has no value to us but that doesn't give us the right to be rude or unpleasant or start changing the rules on others. If you know it's an expectation to behave a certain way either behave that way or don't go.

It's not OK to be dismissive or rude to the host. If you don't agree with expectations the same as they were pre covid then don't go. Being in your own bubble doesn't give an excuse to be rude to others.