Bad manners/no filter/rude what has happened to lots of people?

[Fairylights25]

We held a Christmas party at our house for our friends and neighbours on Saturday night, and I wish I hadn't bothered. It was A LOT of work preparing all of the food, buying all of the drinks and decorating etc and took weeks to organise.
On the day people were texting as late as 4pm to say they had the sniffles, but negative lft so clearly not covid, but they couldn't make it (they go out all of the time so not scared of the virus) Totally rubbish excuses like a long week at work etc etc. Really I was offended by the excuses and why couldn't they have let me know in the morning? Or the day before? Or not accepted in the first place.

On the actual night many people turned up totally empty handed, extremely late in some cases, in random clothes like shorts with no effort, were rude to each other and criticising the music and a few other things like the lack of craft beer etc.
These people are (supposedly) good friends, we haven't seen them for a few months, so this is out of character for many of them, but they were barely polite and some had no filter at all. It was REALLY hard work for some reason.
Half way through I wondered why I had even thought this was a good idea to have the party, it cost so much money. I tried to make the most of it, and ensure everyone had a good time and they did I am pretty sure. People got into the swing of it, and really seemed to enjoy the evening and it ended very late at 2am - we provided everything fine wines, gorgeous food.

I have had two thank yous by text from the 30+ people that came. I feel so deflated and hurt. Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a thank you text message?

I don't think I will ever host another party after this :(

It was a party to trial our new pizza oven for a dozen of us or so (all I could cope with!) so I made sure they had the toppings and drinks I know they like best - one of them is quite fussy. I didn't tell them I'd done that, no, but I've hosted before and with varying dietary requirements it's pretty usual for me to try and get in what I know people like.

The cancellation reason was given nothing to do with COVID - an alleged accidental double booking by my female friend which neither of us bought for a minute as dp had already reconfirmed plans with her dh in the pub the week before.. she'd have been better citing COVID, tbh.

@BoredZelda

Some people clearly don't know any better.

Define “better”? There are a load of expectations put on people who simply have a different view on what should happen. Not wearing shorts or making a throwaway comment about craft beer is not the height of bad manners. And neither, in my world, is showing up at a party without a gift, unless it is a celebration like a birthday. When people do it to me, I’d rather they didn’t bother. I invite them because I want to see them, not because I want a gift.

You have made ample comments about my unreasonable expectations, and that I shouldn't expect anything from anyone, least of all god forbid a thank you text is my ridiculous sky high expectations of other people, I hear you.

Nobody said thanks or nice to see you or similar as they left? Seeing my guests have a good time is reward enough, without them sending a hasty text next day. So yes, adjust your expectations otherwise you spend a day being annoyed and posting rants on MN.

Rants? I genuinely haven't seen any from the OP Bored. She has actually been really fair despite her disappointment (I would be feeling similar). She's said several times she understands there could be other stuff going on she isn't aware of, making people behave with less courtesy than usual.

The point of her post was also if this is part of a wider trend of general unmannerly behaviour post pandemic and IMO, it's a yes. I live in a famously easy going part of the world, and I've seen rude and aggressive social interactions recently that I would never would've believed could happen two years ago. It's alarming.

@Fairylights25

Lanareyrey I am sorry your Saturday night was the same as mine. It is crap isn't it, and I am still tidying up even now!

I don't pp are listening - these people were not wankers/entitled/aggressive or rude before, not at any point ever, or they would not be invited, but they are now.
I don't honestly know why, I can only think it is the pandemic. It was not every single one of the guests, of course not, many of my friends were amazing.

I definitely think it is the pandemic that has changed people! You are completely right about you have said in all your posts. Everyone is out for themselves, no empathy and no manners anymore. Just step back and choose to spend time with the people who you know appreciate you.

I can count on one hand now the friends I have left that do not fall into one of those categories. Which is kind of depressing.

I have tried to take a position of being non judgemental we are living in really difficult times, but I am done with doing anything that requires effort now. Really totally done. I used to feel valued and cared for, and now I just used.

Just because we are hosting does not mean that we don't have issues of our own, worries, upset, illness, stress about stuff. We are just choosing to put it to one side to offer something nice to friends. It is a damn shame that they don't have the decency to do the same.

If you are hosting soon, make it simple, easy, cheap to do and don't expect a thank you!

You shouldn't have to but could you fish for it. Send a message thanking them for coming and saying you hope they had a lovely evening. See if they thank you in return and comment on how they found the evening?

Do you think they may have picked up on your change of tone / vibe based on the guy in shorts?

No not at all, because we could not have made shorts guy any more welcome if we tried, big bear hug and kisses and genuinely pleased to see him shorts and all.

I am not going to chase them. I am going to sit absolutely tight and silent and see what happens - we are all busy at this time of year so maybe it is that?! A few emails have trickled in since I posted this thread and a text so some people have responded now. I am still pretty unwilling to put myself through it again though...

I had this on a night out!! It was for my partners 30th. I organised dinner and a pub crawl and made little party bags. And everyone was really indifferent or disinterested. One person was rude and unpleasant the entire time and I don't know why!! As you say there were points of laughter and enjoyment but underneath there was indifference and like people didn't want to be bothering. Even getting people there was next to impossible, so many people wouldn't reply or didn't show up. It's just exceedingly rude and not like them usually. I guess lockdown has changed people. And I've vowed after that to just not bother anymore lol. I'm not being burned again.

That sounds great for your dp, and I am sorry the people invited were so ungrateful and indifferent. It is really rude. At least now you have ten years before the next milestone, I would save up and go somewhere on holiday! Save yourself the trouble and expense again.

That's a pity, but I must admit, dinner and party bags seem like a strange juxtaposition with a "pub crawl".

Do you actually mean a full on pub crawl? I can well understand why fair few 30 year olds would see a bit uninterested in that right now (with Covid only being one of the reasons).

I guess what I'm saying is that pub crawl can be very marmite-like. They're only fun If you plan to get very drunk, you never get a seat in any of the pubs, and a lot of people find them a real drag.

I am a sociable person, but I can imagine the scene in our house if we got that invite:

"Oh great, Fleshmechanic has invited us out for Mr Flesh's 30th birthday on the 10th, we're free then aren't we?"
"Yes, that'll be good fun!"
"Ah, wait a minute, it's a pub crawl apparently"
"Oh no, really?"
"Yeah, dinner first, then pub crawl. Oh god, I'm not up for that. I really don't want to get hammered - I'm going to my thing the day after and I'd like to not be too hungover."
"Yeah, and I've got football practice the morning after..."
"Do you think it'd be rude to go to the dinner but duck out after the first pub or two?"
..... etc.

I've been thinking quite a lot about this and I've noticed that there does seem to have been a paradigm shift in hosting/guesting in some situations and I think that I noticed it pre-Covid. I've always loved an opportunity to dress up a little - not formally but beyond jeans - and I think that it's respectful to your host to show that you've put some effort in. But in some situations there seemed to a be a race-to-the-bottom competition in how little effort they could make to dress for the occasion.
About 3 years ago I hosted a party which started in the afternoon to allow for children etc - I was very clear that we would provide everything and that it was our pleasure to do so. We provided red/white/rose wine along with beers (there were even Craft Beers) There was also gin with mixers and a good supply of soft drinks. I knew everyone well and knew what they liked to drink. One group of guests - 2 women/2 men arrived and handed me a bottle of fizz and we did all the welcomes etc. I put the fizz in the kitchen, assuming it was a gift for us, and then DH offered drinks. The women said they wanted the fizz and asked what i had done with it. Later I overheard them discussing how weird it was that I would think it was a gift. They drank it all and then proceeded to drink all the stuff we had provided. I knew them well and found it really odd that they behaved like that.

I think the various lockdowns have polarised people.

I know from my various circles of friends and family there have been those who have hated the restrictions and the impact it has had on their social lives and have been desperate for things to get back to 'normal' and so immediately start planning outings, events, parties as soon as possible. These were the ones furiously organising zoom drinks at every opportunity.

Then you have those who actually enjoyed the restrictions and the removal of 'social obligations'. For such a long time there was no requirement to be anywhere, see anyone, get dressed up or make small talk at parties. Having 'sniffles' is the perfect excuse these days to call off when you just can't face it. This is bliss to a lot of people.

Of course there are those in the middle.

Now those worlds are colliding. The social butterflies can't understand why everyone is not desperate to get back to normal. The home birds really don't want life to go back to the way it was before all this, where Christmas seems to be one exhausting social obligation after another.

The friction you describe may be the meeting of these two worlds. Things will get back to 'normal', whatever that is but it will take time.

Don’t host a party for your milestone, do something special with just your DH instead!!

glad I'm not the only one @julieca !

@CaliforniaDrumming I like that. I have a black cardigan that would go with that too as with ventilation in restaurants now it can get a bit chilly.

Awful behaviour from your friends after your efforts, they're very rude.

Sounds like a goodnight and now you know who to leave off the next party who brings nothing and then moans that the beer isn't good enough?

A simple thank you for your effort goes a long way. People just do not appear to be self aware. I have seen a really vulgar side to some ‘friends’ over lockdown that I have been truly shocked by. Social status means more to them than morals and what is the decent way to behave.

@Mintlegs

A simple thank you for your effort goes a long way. People just do not appear to be self aware. I have seen a really vulgar side to some ‘friends’ over lockdown that I have been truly shocked by. Social status means more to them than morals and what is the decent way to behave.

I came on to say the same thing, I'm shocked and sad that I thought I knew them and they behaved cruelly to people, something I'd never expect from them I think your guests were rude and I would be upset too

Also to me is the height of rudeness to turn up to a party empty handed and quite shocked at the number of people who think this is ok. A bottle of wine or a four pack of beer would be minimum. Or if you don't drink a bottle of soft drink. To a Christmas party I would take a bottle of champagne and some chocolates or something similar.

I would always text the next day as well. I think it is just recognition of the effort someone has gone to on your behalf.

We host quite lot and it is a tonne of work - even if you just put on pre-prepared food, getting a house ready for a party takes time and effort and as the host you are constantly seeing to your guests needs.

Then there is always the mammoth clean up the next day.

I am worried we are seeing a move away from who we are as a nation, that good manners, being polite, affable and tolerant is disappearing really quickly. The slow sink into a monotonous blob of total indifference sped up by the pandemic.
I agree about the polarisation, I see it even in my own family unit - dh was so happy in the lockdown as was dd, the rest of us desperate to escape. I probably fall into the camp keen to get back to normal, but I have been considerate of those that are unwilling or unable, and offered to do things that are comfortable to them - or leave them be.

Underneath the party and its shortcomings on both sides as I am not perfect, is something worrying me more deeply, that this is simply a sign of things to come and that is that our society has shifted forever, things have changed permanently. We might look back on the civilised evenings pre pandemic like we do sometimes when we look back at the 1920s with a sense of nostalgia for a time that has passed.

The descent into living behind a screen and all basic needs met without moving outside the bedroom has become a reality for some already, and if people really do not value real connection very much anymore, so much so that even people like me give up organising things then what does the future look like for our children?
Some weird dystopian world of polarised people shouting into the white noise. Yet I see people still having fun when I go to the bars, and hope there are enough of us that still want to be with others in person.

@Fairylights25

I am worried we are seeing a move away from who we are as a nation, that good manners, being polite, affable and tolerant is disappearing really quickly. The slow sink into a monotonous blob of total indifference sped up by the pandemic. I agree about the polarisation, I see it even in my own family unit - dh was so happy in the lockdown as was dd, the rest of us desperate to escape. I probably fall into the camp keen to get back to normal, but I have been considerate of those that are unwilling or unable, and offered to do things that are comfortable to them - or leave them be.

Underneath the party and its shortcomings on both sides as I am not perfect, is something worrying me more deeply, that this is simply a sign of things to come and that is that our society has shifted forever, things have changed permanently. We might look back on the civilised evenings pre pandemic like we do sometimes when we look back at the 1920s with a sense of nostalgia for a time that has passed.

The descent into living behind a screen and all basic needs met without moving outside the bedroom has become a reality for some already, and if people really do not value real connection very much anymore, so much so that even people like me give up organising things then what does the future look like for our children?
Some weird dystopian world of polarised people shouting into the white noise. Yet I see people still having fun when I go to the bars, and hope there are enough of us that still want to be with others in person.

I agree with you on this, and it is happening across the world. Screens have taken over and people have forgotten how real life is supposed to be. It's Fahrenheit 451 happening before our eyes. DH was an introvert before; he has become Howard Hughes now.

Turning up empty-handed, complaining, not thanking you, calling off late - very rude.

Calling off with sniffles - not rude as you wouldn't want someone there with a cold.

Sounds like a lovely party.

They're an absloot shower, as Terry Thomas would say!

Ive had quite a few parties over the years and it's been open house type thing with food and drinks supplied lots of music and socialising, great time had by all. Was having a bit of a reminiss a few weeks ago noting that there had been a few birthdays and new house purchases and weddings happening and had I recieved any invites had I shite not even to hen dos .... Forward a few years and I've bought a new house and had comments such as ooh really looking forward to your housewarming... When is it? And this is off somebody who had only recently moved into a new house themselves. I did say I think that it might be your turn to host this time and I recieved a really blank wtf stare and a mumble..... So guess what.. Next one is strictly by written invitation, there's going to be an awful lot of disappointed faces!

We had an engagement party years ago. Nice little function room in city nice pub. Lovely food provided
Pretty much all of our friends did not attend , one who was supposed to be making and bringing the cake !?
We always went to parties , birthdays , housewarmings - away at the other side of the city
I never spoke to any of them again.
Sorry OP , you were trying to be festive and a good host.
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