Bad manners/no filter/rude what has happened to lots of people?

[Fairylights25]

We held a Christmas party at our house for our friends and neighbours on Saturday night, and I wish I hadn't bothered. It was A LOT of work preparing all of the food, buying all of the drinks and decorating etc and took weeks to organise.
On the day people were texting as late as 4pm to say they had the sniffles, but negative lft so clearly not covid, but they couldn't make it (they go out all of the time so not scared of the virus) Totally rubbish excuses like a long week at work etc etc. Really I was offended by the excuses and why couldn't they have let me know in the morning? Or the day before? Or not accepted in the first place.

On the actual night many people turned up totally empty handed, extremely late in some cases, in random clothes like shorts with no effort, were rude to each other and criticising the music and a few other things like the lack of craft beer etc.
These people are (supposedly) good friends, we haven't seen them for a few months, so this is out of character for many of them, but they were barely polite and some had no filter at all. It was REALLY hard work for some reason.
Half way through I wondered why I had even thought this was a good idea to have the party, it cost so much money. I tried to make the most of it, and ensure everyone had a good time and they did I am pretty sure. People got into the swing of it, and really seemed to enjoy the evening and it ended very late at 2am - we provided everything fine wines, gorgeous food.

I have had two thank yous by text from the 30+ people that came. I feel so deflated and hurt. Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a thank you text message?

I don't think I will ever host another party after this :(

I am so tempted to take the Australian offer and come to you!! It is much more laid back. I have quite a few friends from different parts of Oz, not at this party as they are mostly back at home at the moment, and I missed them! Least of all because they would absolutely call out the shitty behaviour! I should be better at it, but I am not because I am too polite!

I am sorry for everyone else that is experiencing this. Perhaps I didn't factor in the bad news about the new variant enough, it has really affected some people, the thought of starting back at square one. Maybe I should have been more considerate and postponed, but I thought now more than ever a good party is what we all need, whilst we can. Obv not everyone was feeling it, and if you are scared/worried about your job/kids maybe you are not going to relax and enjoy any party.

I'd have loved to have gone to your party OP - it sounded fab.

💐🍾

@Wombat69

Why don't you weed out the rude ones & have a smaller, more curated party?

Some of the nicest, longest term friends we have are struggling. They've decided not to go to parties and things because they can't cope.

I persinally had a really cool invite this week in a venue I've not seen and would like to. I don't often say that as I am peri and grumpy.

But between the stressed journey there and back, the stressed attendees, I just think it's a bad idea.

Sorry about your birthday, OP. You'll just have to be younger for longer

On the other side of the coin, I thought I must have a popular doppelganger because lots of people in shops and small businesses have bent over backwards to help me in the past couple of months.
It finally dawned on me that waiting your turn and saying please and thank you can make you stand out from the crowd these days.

@DaisyNGO

I know what you mean about the horrible tense atmosphere in the UK. I'm in the North East and I'm just poised waiting for someone to kick off at me every time I leave the house.

I've always said BYOB to everyone.
One time, a guest turned up empty-handed. So I said "I see you're driving, I'll find you some squash".

X posting everywhere

Yes, the behaviour is just like square one.

I grew up with parents who loved to throw a good house party. The things I witnessed is why I have never, and will never, have a party in my home.
People arriving with beer and getting stuck in to spirits
People taking drinks home with them
People turning up with no drink at all
Fag burns in the sofa and the carpets
Things getting smashed
The absolute devastation in the house the next morning

I've no idea why people open up their homes like this? My home is my sanctuary and that's that!

@Nietzschethehiker

I actually think the key here is the rude guests inflicting their behaviour on others.

It's totally fair that people have changed over the last year, many people have reevaluated their priorities and there is nothing wrong with that. There is a lot wrong with being rude to others in the name of it and expecting them to accept it.

I've had friends in the past who would be very upset by that sort of behaviour. So the reality is that I simply would not accept the invitation from them anymore. I'm realistic that my priorities have absolutely changed, a party is not on my important list and I can admit to myself I detest that sort of socialising.

I politely decline. If the relationship with the person depends on my attendance then its not a relationship I want. But what you don't do is attend and upset the host. That's not OK, or cancelling last minute.

We have made the decision that we are not playing the social game anymore because it has no value to us but that doesn't give us the right to be rude or unpleasant or start changing the rules on others. If you know it's an expectation to behave a certain way either behave that way or don't go.

It's not OK to be dismissive or rude to the host. If you don't agree with expectations the same as they were pre covid then don't go. Being in your own bubble doesn't give an excuse to be rude to others.

I really like your post. I'm very upfront these days about declining invites. If II don't feel like going to an event tell the host that I just don't enjoy much socialising these days and it's nothing personal. I think it's better than cancelling at the last minute.

I need to be more like you georgyporky

I should have taken the craft beer guy to the front door and pointed to the pub down the road >>>

Dh says I am too nice, and this is my fault as I never learn :(
(whilst secretly jumping for joy at the prospect of not having to do another one for a good long while)

I don't mind my friends not coming, I don't mind if they are feeling unable to cope with socialising and would never judge them for that. I don't mind supporting friends in a way that feels comfortable to them. What I do mind is someone texting me at 4.15pm with the lamest excuse as to why they are not coming. My life is too short for this nonsense.

I agree that basic manners seem to be a thing of the past. I’m in my thirties so not ancient and I’m often shocked sometimes at some peoples’ lack of common courtesy. For example we had a birthday party for my DD last week, not a big one just a small group activity with a handful of friends. A mum text me literally three minutes before the party start time saying her child was ill all night and they had decided not to come. I get she might have wanted to make a fairy last minute decision but if that was me I would have set a cut off day two hours before the start time and let the host know in plenty of time. She would have had to leave a good half hour before she text me, so why on earth wait until well after she would have decided not to come and send a message as the party starts. We had to quickly alter things like pass the parcel which had been set up got exact numbers. Of course no biggie with an hour’s warning but to wait until the party is literally starting and all the activity is set up was pretty rude. That’s not nearly as bad as your situation OP but I so often now observe people acting in a way that I just wouldn’t. It’s as if some people have lost any sense that their actions impact in any way on other people. Just the little things but I think it matters.

Well lots of people were bloody rude before covid.

I don't think I could stay friends with such rude, entitled idiots.

I am obviously lucky in that although I only have a few friends none of them have changed since covid. None of my family have either.

Sorry, I should have also said that I'm sorry about how it all went down.

Whilst I never have parties, I've had similar disappointment when you have friends round for dinner, and you do all the hard work, whilst they all have a great night, but as host you are run ragged. It sucks!

One time, my friend and her DH came for the weekend, and arrived empty handed. They ate and drank all weekend, and just as they were leaving my friend said "Oh, we left our alcohol in the car!", she disappeared to the car and came back and handed me.....ONE miniature bottle of Budweiser. Why I didn't say anything, I'll never know, because now I'm older and wiser I would have actually asked if she was taking the piss!

I would never hold another party. Lockdown just highlighted to me how selfish and entitled people are and this attitude has been encouraged by successive governments.

I've recently learned that unlike most people I go out of my way to help. It doesn't make any difference. As soon as you have outlived your usefulness you are cast aside. So I will be adopting how others behave.

blonde I had the opposite childhood to you. My parents never invited anyone ever into our house, as a result it took me years to learn how to socialise as an adult and to gain confidence, I always wanted the kind of home where everyone is welcome, dinners and fun times. I hoped my own dc would learn how to relax with friends and enjoy socialising in the process.

But I do feel oddly violated. I feel like it was not in the spirit of our offerings to turn up and be rude and unpleasant to others. I have opened up our home, invited them in and tried to give them a lovely evening. I do feel like battening down the hatches and not doing it again - so I understand your decision perfectly - now!

In the past I would have said to you that is a shame user that you feel you don't want to invest in your friendships anymore, but honestly after Saturday I don't actually blame you!!

You sound like an amazing person.

OP, I think many people are really out of practice with social etiquette. I’ve noticed it too. Conversation also seems like really hard work! I hope it wasn’t all bad at your party and hopefully there were some lovely guests who (quietly) appreciated all your effort.

Yanbu...i tried organising a party only for my" friends" trying to pressurise me into inviting people i didnt want to invite and saying we had to have a big do as they hosted for big dos in the past.
Imo you dont tell the host how to do a party in their own home so party is now postponed till cf feck off!

Thank you manchester I try to be a good friend and enjoy life, even with the backdrop of total pandemic misery I really have tried to be there for everyone. This little party was really just to get everyone together.

Some people completely lack manners & empathy, you tried to do a nice thing OP, sorry it turned out badly, not your fault at all.

Thats awful. I wouldn't bother inviting the rude guests again. We used to have parties all the time, until one bonfire night. We put on fireworks, with sparklers for the kids. Hot dogs and burgers were served with cakes. Some people complained because we didn't have certain drinks, food and the fireworks weren't great. I was really upset and thought how funny to say that, but they never throw parties themselves! Actually one did, he asked us tk bring all the food we'd eat! We did, and ate it like a picnic in the tightarses garden! Never bothered again. Some people are just miserable 🙄

@BoredZelda

It takes seconds to message a quick thank you when someone opens their home to you and I think it means more the day after when people are sober and have reflected on the evening.

It it takes seconds, it is meaningless and pointless.

If you are so drunk that your apology on the night means less, you probably don’t remember much of what happened anyway.

Bollocks. Just because something doesn't take long it doesn't make it meaningless. Good manners are a good habit.

And when I said sober I didn't mean drunk. I like messaging a friend the next day and showing I appreciate the time and effort they have gone to.

@Fairylights25

The request for craft beer came from one of the people that brought nothing at all. The entitlement was pretty breathtaking.

My mum would look at the empty handed complainer pointedly and say 'well, did you bring any?' And she's an exceptional host! People are dicks and it's compounded by the isolation of the last couple of years I think. People have got completely self absorbed, my best friend hasn't asked how I am for 2 years and constantly wanting to vent to me. Ugh!