Bad manners/no filter/rude what has happened to lots of people?

[Fairylights25]

We held a Christmas party at our house for our friends and neighbours on Saturday night, and I wish I hadn't bothered. It was A LOT of work preparing all of the food, buying all of the drinks and decorating etc and took weeks to organise.
On the day people were texting as late as 4pm to say they had the sniffles, but negative lft so clearly not covid, but they couldn't make it (they go out all of the time so not scared of the virus) Totally rubbish excuses like a long week at work etc etc. Really I was offended by the excuses and why couldn't they have let me know in the morning? Or the day before? Or not accepted in the first place.

On the actual night many people turned up totally empty handed, extremely late in some cases, in random clothes like shorts with no effort, were rude to each other and criticising the music and a few other things like the lack of craft beer etc.
These people are (supposedly) good friends, we haven't seen them for a few months, so this is out of character for many of them, but they were barely polite and some had no filter at all. It was REALLY hard work for some reason.
Half way through I wondered why I had even thought this was a good idea to have the party, it cost so much money. I tried to make the most of it, and ensure everyone had a good time and they did I am pretty sure. People got into the swing of it, and really seemed to enjoy the evening and it ended very late at 2am - we provided everything fine wines, gorgeous food.

I have had two thank yous by text from the 30+ people that came. I feel so deflated and hurt. Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a thank you text message?

I don't think I will ever host another party after this :(

Sorry the forced comment was for hosa

No they were really rude and entitled and my god I am SICK of hearing 'because of covid' 'because of lockdown'. No the last 2 years are NOT an excuse for you to be an asshole, if anything it should make us want to ge even more polite and grateful to our close friends and family.

@FreeBritnee

Bloody hell you are a complete saint. I will also bet there is no return invite. Ever.

A Saint? I think what’s being missed here is she didn’t have to throw the party.

She spent weeks preparing for a party she wanted, ramped it up to ridiculous levels of expectation, then was disappointed when people didn’t text afterwards to thank her/bring gifts/wear the correct clothes/cancelled coming due to illness.

Nobody held her at gun point to have a party.

Wow I can’t believe all the comments you are getting op. You clearly put in a lot of work to ensure people had lovely food to eat and lots to drink and it’s not nice to feel unappreciated.
Can I come next time it sounds fab. Great food and drink and a chance to wear a party dress instead of slobbing around clothes. I promise to bring nice wine and a gift, do you prefer flowers or chocolate?

bored I think you are missing the point.

I wonder if people have lost the run of themselves since the plague started. You deserve a thank you at least from your guests! Craft beer indeed. Ah tis far from craft beer ye were raised my nan would have said

Nobody held her at gun point to have a party

They might have to just that for me to want to have another party again to be fair

And if I do you are most definitely invited fairyliz !!

I think some people are just bloody ungrateful now. Made worse by a long lockdown and a lack of self awareness and manners. You can even tell on here the kind of people that have lost all sense of the basics.

@Cocomarine

Bottom line for me here, is your complaint at people in “random clothes”. For that, YABU. Totally unreasonable. Unless you are moving in a very difficult circle to me 🤣 - Xmas parties for friends and neighbours do not have dress code! Given that you were totally unreasonable about that, it does make me think that you were on edge about it all being “perfect”, and predisposed to be disappointed.

Shit, I just pull on a clean jumper and jeans.

Your party sounds like the awful forced socialising with billions of rules that is "fun" and everyone has a "brilliant time" and says shallow things about decor and nibbles all evening... While thinking something else entirely. I'm not sure anyone actually enjoys that type of forced gathering, do they?

I agree. All these comments about the “Social Game” and how people have been exposed are rubbish. What’s happened is people realise that was all bullshit and life is too short to pretend with social rules.

If all OP can really come up with is shorts and comments about music and craft beers, I’m sure this party wasn’t the event of the year she thought it was for them.

Shit, I just pull on a clean jumper and jeans

And you would be most welcome, as long as you don't complain about speciality craft beers or a lack of!

OP
You mention people wearing shorts so I realise you might not want to say, but wondering which country

In England the atmosphere is terrible. A lot of people just seem to hate everyone at the moment but the sad thing is, it's contagious and I am starting to understand it.

I was out on Friday in central London for lunch. Even among people who had chosen to go out, the tension was high

It does not sound fun!
I think it is the effect of lockdowns, and too much internet talking.
Teenagers are like this around here, including my DD, and I seriously think it is lack to face to face interaction!
Not that excuses it.
I do see some positives. Regarding comfy clothes, I would actually love if they are comfortable enough to wear what they really want, instead of dressing up.
Asking for craft beer! Hell no.
No bringing anything, to a house party, just plain rude.
I hope they thanked you before leaving the party? Or during? In that case, you may not get a text or card, but it should still count. I think the thank you cards (and texts) may be a thing of the past. For me (foreigner) is quite allien. We do say thank you upon arrival, chat or leaving the party.
You sound like a great host. I think the most important thing is always lost in these parties. It is a party, at your home, that you worked for, so you should have enjoyed! Dance to your music, drink your fav, chat to your friends, see family! Next time, less hosting and more partying for you! I would go for smaller groups? Or get someone to gice a hand serving and for the drinks? Otherwise, with 30 guests you just spend all your time working, and it is meant to be a memorable fun time for you!

I think some people are just bloody ungrateful now. Made worse by a long lockdown and a lack of self awareness and manners. You can even tell on here the kind of people that have lost all sense of the basics.

Yes, I’m seeing more why people decided not to come to your party.

To be clear, I'm sorry it went like that for you

I think people are in too weird a mental space to think properly
Maybe they should have stayed home and didn't realise till the last minute

I agree @BoredZelda.

Honestly OP I have mental images of you running round asking people why they aren’t having fun. “I cooked for you - have fun goddammit! Smile! Christ why is no one in a velvet dress? Does nobody appreciate me at all???”

Daisy I am in England, and in same city as you describe, and yes there is a weird tension. What is it? I was out the night before having drinks, and it felt like it was about to kick off at any moment even though it was a very nice place with very laid back atmosphere.

The biggest quandary I now have is my milestone birthday in Feb and don't know whether I can face having the party that is in the process of being organised for me by dh. I really don't think I can face it again :(

@Fairylights25

Shit, I just pull on a clean jumper and jeans

And you would be most welcome, as long as you don't complain about speciality craft beers or a lack of!

I'll bring my own mulled cider if I'm allowed to use your microwave?

One thing I've noticed (and there are a fair few people on this thread who are like this tbh) is that very few people know how to be a 'good guest' these days.

I was brought up to believe that if you accepted someone's invitation, you turned up, with a gift of some sort (depending on event, it could be a bottle of wine, or a plate of food, or something for the bbq.
Flowers, sometimes, too.) in acknowledgement of the effort that the host/ess had made on your behalf.

You don't cancel on the day unless it's an extreme circumstance - not feeling like it isn't a good enough reason. Nor must you cancel if a 'better' invitation turns up.

Likewise, you don't pitch up in the clothes you'd slob around in at home, or those you'd wear on a beach or going for a jog. Unless, of course, the host/ess had told you this was the kind of event you were attending.

While you're at the party, you make conversation- it doesn't have to be deep and philosophical, but it does have to be polite.

And it should go without saying (although apparently it does need to be said!)- you say thank you. On leaving, and the next day, by text/email/phone call.

They may be 'rules' , but they're hardly onerous. Society runs on countless little 'rules'; it's really not hard. And if those few things are too much to cope with, you shouldn't be accepting party invitations.

OP I sincerely hope that your friends revert to their normal well-mannered selves at some point. If they don't, I'd suggest only inviting them to BYO craft beer BBQs, and make new friends with some manners.

The only thing that stood out as thinking you were maybe being unreasonable about is the comment on people's clothes. It wouldn't have occurred to me that I would need to get overly dressed up for a house party. I'm a not a dressy person, so I would probably have turned up in jeans and a nice top. Could be worth putting something in invites in future saying people will be dressing up, as it's not always clear what people expect of you for house parties.

But other than that, I think you are totally in the right and in your shoes I would make the effort in the future with the people that were thoughtful and kind, and the ones who thanked you, and leave the others to their own devices. The person who was rude to you about your employment status can quite simply do one, who says that kind of thing to anyone, let alone the person hosting them??

@Fairylights25

The biggest quandary I now have is my milestone birthday in Feb and don't know whether I can face having the party that is in the process of being organised for me by dh. I really don't think I can face it again :(

Just don’t have it. It’s not like it’s short notice, you have two months.

Go away for the weekend, go shopping, have a small family get together, whatever. You don’t have to have a party.

Like pp I blame lockdown. I’ve no idea how to dress for a party anymore and when we first emerged it took conscious effort to remember my manners and look behind me when going through a door and check if I needed to hold it open for anyone. Turns out just beneath the surface I’m a completely self absorbed savage and I’m not the only one.

I’m sorry you feel unappreciated OP it sounds like a lovely party. Don’t stop trying…

I think the pandemic has made people very entitled and aggressive.

@lousanne

'Parties don’t need to take a long time to organise. How long does it really take to go to the supermarket, grab a few packs of finger foods and some wine?'

@TedMullins we cook all morning/afternoon so put a lot of effort it. We enjoy it - not everyone would appreciate it - we make sure we select people who do appreciate it.
We make our own dips, breads, cocktails, desserts etc.
I get it it's not for everyone but we stick to the people who love dining parties like that and then no one gets disappointed

But that sounds like a dinner party. We would do exactly the same if we were inviting friends over for dinner, but it would be for a far smaller number than the 30 plus people at the OP's party, and wouldn't be billed as a 'party'. In that case, I would expect people to show up roughly on time, or to give notice that they couldn't, because some potentially finicky cooking needs to be timed.

I've certainly long experienced the last minute half-assed excused 'I'm a bit tired' 'I've got a bit of a headache', 'Oh I didn't realise it would be tricky to get to your place from mine'. Honestly, at my 40th a few years ago I half expected to only get a handful of people turning up but luckily for once they came through. That's the thing you mention that would bother me most.

I don't think I'd expect a 'thank you' for a party these days? it's a nice bonus if a couple of people do, but not something I'd expect. And I wouldn't expect 'nice' dress unless I expressed otherwise with invite.

Was the craft beer comment delivered with genuine exasperation or might it have been poorly-phrased hyperbole that you read negatively because other stuff was stressing you out? O

On the general front, I guess maybe people have forgotten a bit how to socialise?