Bad manners/no filter/rude what has happened to lots of people?

[Fairylights25]

We held a Christmas party at our house for our friends and neighbours on Saturday night, and I wish I hadn't bothered. It was A LOT of work preparing all of the food, buying all of the drinks and decorating etc and took weeks to organise.
On the day people were texting as late as 4pm to say they had the sniffles, but negative lft so clearly not covid, but they couldn't make it (they go out all of the time so not scared of the virus) Totally rubbish excuses like a long week at work etc etc. Really I was offended by the excuses and why couldn't they have let me know in the morning? Or the day before? Or not accepted in the first place.

On the actual night many people turned up totally empty handed, extremely late in some cases, in random clothes like shorts with no effort, were rude to each other and criticising the music and a few other things like the lack of craft beer etc.
These people are (supposedly) good friends, we haven't seen them for a few months, so this is out of character for many of them, but they were barely polite and some had no filter at all. It was REALLY hard work for some reason.
Half way through I wondered why I had even thought this was a good idea to have the party, it cost so much money. I tried to make the most of it, and ensure everyone had a good time and they did I am pretty sure. People got into the swing of it, and really seemed to enjoy the evening and it ended very late at 2am - we provided everything fine wines, gorgeous food.

I have had two thank yous by text from the 30+ people that came. I feel so deflated and hurt. Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a thank you text message?

I don't think I will ever host another party after this :(

It takes seconds to message a quick thank you when someone opens their home to you and I think it means more the day after when people are sober and have reflected on the evening.

It it takes seconds, it is meaningless and pointless.

If you are so drunk that your apology on the night means less, you probably don’t remember much of what happened anyway.

“I did go to some trouble I agree, and definitely more than laying out a few M&S platters because it has been so long since we were all together and I wanted to make sure they had fun”

People don’t have more or less “fun” dependent on whether the food is from Iceland, M&S, F&M or home grown and hand cooked. They might enjoy the food more from the latter sure - but it’s not more fun. Again, it really sounds like you were over invested in the perfect party, and were thus set up for disappointment over small things.

I really think lockdown has revealed our true character.
People have forgotten how to play the social game. Remove that mask and you see just how unpleasant and selfish people (generally) really are. I don't believe covid has changed people. I believe it has exposed people.

And for pp that say they are about to post a thread to say they can't socialise anymore. Simply bring a small gift, ask people how they are etc, and text the following day. You really don't need to be a glittering butterfly, just be yourself, and enjoy it. We are all rusty. I was a nervous wreck before it started, everyone feels a bit like that now.

I think you're focusing on the negatives. Some people cancelled, but clearly lots turned up. Sime people were sniping, but there was also a lot of laughter. Some people moaned, but others enjoyed themselves enough to stay till 2am. Theres no such thing as a perfect party. Its always a mixture. I think you may be looking back on parties past with rise tinted glasses, or perhaps your expectations for this to be perfect were too high? It sounds like you gave a great party that gave a lot if people enjoyment. If in the process you've seen a side to sone people you didn't care for, leave them off the list in future. It doesn't sound like you'd have trouble attracting guests to a party like that!

coco So you think it is okay to not bother to thank someone for a night out? I guess you might be 'one of them' perhaps? As it is not okay to be rude. The food is irrelevant, the fact you have been invited and someone has tried to give you a lovely evening is enough of a reason to remember to say thank you as you leave/following day/ following few days.

The party sounds great OP. I think posters are missing the point about the clothes; OP has known these people years and it was clearly out of character for them to appear in shorts, empty handed and ungrateful.

I would say first and foremost it's a consequence of lockdown. People have forgotten how they used to behave. Also social occasions can be a bit overwhelming, add alcohol and everyone gets a bit unravelled. I remember the first big night out I had with my friends between lockdowns, every minute seemed to be another person bursting into tears or taking a swipe at someone. It reminded me of a child's birthday party when all day they are excited then when the friends arrive they run to their bedroom and hide.

It sounds like the loud rude peopel overshadowed the others. How dare that guest say you did nohign all day? Shame you didn't point out you had spent all of that particular day preparing for the party she now seemed intent on spoiling.

Another thing to consider OP is sometimes one party or gathering just randomly goes sour. I had this once years ago with a bunch of friends coming over for lunch, drinks and evening session. Half cancelled by passing messages. More turned up hours late having already eaten. Another lost her temper that she didn't like the food I'd prepared. She had been looking forward to the tapenade one of the no-show guests had apparently been bringing. More were rude. It seemed everyone was reacting to everyone else.

At the end of the day I scratched it up to a bad day and moved on. Except for one friend who turned up four hours late, said she wasn't hungry, didn't apologise and left shortly to meet her boyfriend (who was also invited). She never said sorry and I decided that as it wasn't particularly out of character I would demote her to casual acquaintance.

I think people are just not wanting to socialise as much. Their “tolerance” is low. So actually a party invitation is a relationship cost rather than a lovely thing to look forward to. Doesn’t excuse the bad behaviour such a rude comments but I wouldn’t put not dressing up and being lack lustre as rude, more just reluctance. Same for last minute dropping out. They never wanted to come. Horrible for the organiser but not at all personal.

IncompleteSenten I saw a different side to some people in lockdown definitely, as you describe. Some of it was pretty shocking at the time, but since then I had thought most of us had returned to life in a way that is pretty normal.....but maybe not. I mean, obviously not as this is very far from how things used to be for us.

www.cardiff.ac.uk/news/view/2582270-new-research-suggests-wearing-face-masks-could-be-affecting-the-way-we-interact-with-others

Have seen this reported in a few places - no idea how valid it is.

We have noticed when we have been out and about people do seem slightly more aggrerssive - but whether that's true or becuase we not longer use dto being out and about as much I couldn't say.

Maybe it's a combination of your expecations of event being a bit too high and people's basic manners being very rusty.

Bloody hell you are a complete saint. I will also bet there is no return invite. Ever.

Interesting that you’re now saying that you were a “nervous wreck” @Fairylights25 before the party, and already said you found hosting it a nightmare.

Look, I wasn’t there, I’m not disputing that there were no rude guests. There are rude people out there for sure!

But in order not to colour your view of all these friends, I really would reflect on your own feelings before the party, and expectations.

My experience is absolutely not that everything has changed socially with Covid. If others find some friends or they themselves are affected, that’s their experience. So I’m saying they’re wrong - but I am saying there not universal.

Rude friends - don’t invite them.
Those who didn’t turn up in black tie 😉 - let them off!!!

Your party sounds like the awful forced socialising with billions of rules that is "fun" and everyone has a "brilliant time" and says shallow things about decor and nibbles all evening... While thinking something else entirely. I'm not sure anyone actually enjoys that type of forced gathering, do they?

And with COVID the lack of practice on socially acceptable outward behaviour means that reality is shining through.

In your position, I honestly wouldn't bother again if you don't enjoy the company of the people you invited.

People have forgotten how to play the social game. Remove that mask and you see just how unpleasant and selfish people (generally) really are.

Spot on, @IncompleteSenten. Absolutely spot on….

I think it means more the day after when people are sober and have reflected on the evening.

Reflected on the evening? Are you on a wind up? Come on it was a house party, it wasn’t a wedding! 😂 you seriously expect your guests to go home and spend Sunday morning reminiscing about how wonderful a host you are?

@Fairylights25 yes we experienced this. We love to entertain and some people turn up late, cancel at the last minute, or turn up empty handed.

We've filtered them down to only the people who are 'good' guests- always ask if they need to bring anything, offer to help with food, very appreciative, and are on time.

Also without being outing, I have some resort style facility at home and a gf would come to use it some time. She would come and drink my wine and nibbles, never bring a bottle herself. It would cost her $100 to use such facility at a spa so it annoyed me she would come empty handed and then drink wine etc. I stopped inviting her.

The party sounds great OP. I think posters are missing the point about the clothes; OP has known these people years and it was clearly out of character for them to appear in shorts, empty handed and ungrateful

Absolutely this.

They were the ones wearing velvet dresses and jackets, and it was a shock as much as anything. I don't care what they wear obviously, and I was just happy to see them, but it was all quite strange and different from before the pandemic. I have seen them over the summer and they were fine. I feel worried about them, if that makes sense. It is so out of character.

If you are thinking of doing anything like this, then bear it in mind that things may well be (very) different and be prepared for lots of emotion, sniping, anger and back biting and couples arguing publicly and all sorts of things you may not have experienced before.

@Cocomarine

“I did go to some trouble I agree, and definitely more than laying out a few M&S platters because it has been so long since we were all together and I wanted to make sure they had fun”

People don’t have more or less “fun” dependent on whether the food is from Iceland, M&S, F&M or home grown and hand cooked. They might enjoy the food more from the latter sure - but it’s not more fun. Again, it really sounds like you were over invested in the perfect party, and were thus set up for disappointment over small things.

Yes, I think there's something in that. I think that in the circumstances, this was the occasion to recognise in advance that there would be last-minute cancellations and no-shows, and people not getting over-invested because they half-expect things to be cancelled -- and probably to throw a much more casual party. Certainly not the moment for something that 'took weeks to organise'.

I usually text on the way home from a party or evening out. Years ago I used to phone the host the next day. Texting is easy!

I agree with you. People are rude these days and lack manners. I find some people are so basic! My cousin had a baby a few months ago, my mum sent money, some new baby clothes and a hamper for her - she never even got a text back saying thank you. It doesn’t surprise me, I arranged a kids party not long ago, the level of bad manners from some of the parents was unbelievable 😡

My mum had a party for our family a couple of months ago, my cousins who we used to be close to turned up 3 hours late and when they did come they brought their own dinner with them that they put in the oven because they 'don't like party food' and they've never done that before. They stayed just long enough to cook and eat it then left.
Mum tried a bbq in august and they turned up 2 hours late that time. We've just decided we won't bother again.

I am sorry you have experienced this as well lousane It was not forced, it was very drunken! To be fair maybe some people had too much to drink.
I appreciated the conversations about people's lives and the honesty. I enjoyed seeing most of my lovely friends, I like doing this kind of thing and don't usually find it difficult.

'Parties don’t need to take a long time to organise. How long does it really take to go to the supermarket, grab a few packs of finger foods and some wine?'

@TedMullins we cook all morning/afternoon so put a lot of effort it. We enjoy it - not everyone would appreciate it - we make sure we select people who do appreciate it.
We make our own dips, breads, cocktails, desserts etc.
I get it it's not for everyone but we stick to the people who love dining parties like that and then no one gets disappointed

Some of this sounds extremely rude - e.g complaining about beer on offer.

As to some of the rest I think that social anxiety is a lot more frequent in people and some have forgotten how to socialise.

Simply bring a small gift, ask people how they are etc, and text the following day.

That’s how to socialise with you. Entirely unnecessary when socialising with me. I don’t place any expectations on people I have invited in to my home. Just be yourself, make yourself at home.

They were the ones wearing velvet dresses and jackets, and it was a shock as much as anything. I don't care what they wear obviously

But you do care. Because you used it as an example of the people who came to your party who were rude. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t have mentioned it. And maybe their velvet dresses don’t fit any more, or maybe they just realise now that comfort is more important to them and thought that good friends would never judge them because of their clothes.