Bad manners/no filter/rude what has happened to lots of people?

[Fairylights25]

We held a Christmas party at our house for our friends and neighbours on Saturday night, and I wish I hadn't bothered. It was A LOT of work preparing all of the food, buying all of the drinks and decorating etc and took weeks to organise.
On the day people were texting as late as 4pm to say they had the sniffles, but negative lft so clearly not covid, but they couldn't make it (they go out all of the time so not scared of the virus) Totally rubbish excuses like a long week at work etc etc. Really I was offended by the excuses and why couldn't they have let me know in the morning? Or the day before? Or not accepted in the first place.

On the actual night many people turned up totally empty handed, extremely late in some cases, in random clothes like shorts with no effort, were rude to each other and criticising the music and a few other things like the lack of craft beer etc.
These people are (supposedly) good friends, we haven't seen them for a few months, so this is out of character for many of them, but they were barely polite and some had no filter at all. It was REALLY hard work for some reason.
Half way through I wondered why I had even thought this was a good idea to have the party, it cost so much money. I tried to make the most of it, and ensure everyone had a good time and they did I am pretty sure. People got into the swing of it, and really seemed to enjoy the evening and it ended very late at 2am - we provided everything fine wines, gorgeous food.

I have had two thank yous by text from the 30+ people that came. I feel so deflated and hurt. Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a thank you text message?

I don't think I will ever host another party after this :(

@Fairylights25

Just wondering if anyone else is experiencing this?

Craft beer was a request and then said what kind of party is this without xx beer. Raised eyebrows and the other of the million other drinks we had?

Parties take a long time to organise at Christmas, planning and shopping for the food alone took ages, cooking all day etc. I am not looking for 'gratitude' but a thank you would have been sufficient.

I'm not dismissing your effort, I'm just saying it's unusual. The last time we gave a party at Christmas, I think we ordered some wine and spirits, got some extra ice, fastened a lot of paper stars to the ceilings (we'd just moved into a big, battered Victorian house that needed to be gutted, so no fancy decor, and most of our belongings were still in boxes), and put a few trays of M and S snacks and mince pies in the oven.

I agree people do seem more selfish and self absorbed, thinking nothing of standing talking at people for ages, and not caring or asking about their lives. It was as if they were all rolling around in their own bubbles still.

Hosting post pandemic is for the record, is a nightmare, worrying about whether anyone will come, will anyone spread covid, everyone seems to have multiple issues. I did think what the hell in the end. Poured a glass of wine and I let them get on with it.

I really think people have gotten used to sitting in their own little private oasis, nursing 'craft beer' or whatever bollocks they relied on to make lockdown more 'hygge'.
I had a group of friends over recently and it was all hard work. I just think people have become so incredibly self-centred courtesy of covid isolations/lockdowns that we now have to work harder than ever to expand our horizon beyond the fence out back.

I have definitely noticed an increase in people becoming more self absorbed. Case in point; I am currently looking out of my bedroom window and the next door neighbours have put their wheelie bins out across our driveway as they don't want their driveway blocked by them!

Simple things like holding a door open for someone or moving to let someone pass and it's often ignored.

Or worse, it's considered offensive.

I just want to get off the exhausting fucking life train. The constant expectations of people and their chronic edginess, always ready for confrontation, is just soul-destroying. You don't know if your act of kindness is going to be received as an offense, so better to just keep yourself to yourself. The general population has become the Stasi!

It seems strange that so many people were rude, when they weren’t previously. And that means I do wonder - sorry - about the common denominator!

I’m with the previous poster who wouldn’t assume that the party was as much effort to organise as you say it was. Also this talk of fine wines, no shorts etc… all sounds a bit OTT. I mean - of course buy the wine you want to, but it’s a bit odd to describe it thus. It sounds like you think your party organisation was a big deal, and some guests thought it was, well, just a party.

I would tend to text my host next day - but, I also think a thank you said on the night is sufficient. I’ve had parties and everyone says a lovely thank you on departure, but far less follow up with a text. Simply - they’ve already said thank you. And that’s fine. Again - it seems like a mismatch in expectations that you’re all about a dress code, fine wines, weeks of planning and formal thank you messages next say. Whereas your guests were all about turning up for just a regular party.

It sounds to me like you were sensitive about your huge efforts being appreciated, and didn’t feel that they were.

Even the Craft Beer comment… my sister would make a, “but it’s not a party without JD!” comment, and I’d have happily laughed back - “I’m not ‘spoons love! You want it, you bring it - have a rifle through the other choices!” All very good natured. On a day I was feeling sensitive - well, it might annoy me.

@Fairylights25

Do you think it is too much time in lockdown? And that is the reason?

I like having parties and have had loads in the past, and it has never been like this. It was truly so deflating even if it seemed so happy at the time with lots of laughter etc. Just under the surface there as sniping, rude comments and just an undercurrent that has never been there before.

Just like Mumsnet.

AIBU has always been 'straight-talking' and a bit acerbic but now it's downright spiteful.

Someone can post something quite innocuous and people will go straight for the jugular. Add an awful lot of criticism and some name-calling too.
Not to mention the moaning (example: the Christmas Present List thread)

It doesn't surprise me that it's similar in real-life too

And I do blame lockdown and SD to a degree. We've had too much time on our own and it's not done us any favours.

I think you’re being completely over sensitive. So they didn’t complain about there not being craft beer, they asked if there was any then made a joke? Okay, they should’ve brought some craft beer with them if they wanted it so much but I don’t think wearing casual clothes or cancelling on the day is a big deal. If you organise something like this some people will flake out, that’s just life. At least they let you know and didn’t just not show up! If they had a sniff or a cough would you really have wanted them there spreading germs even if it wasn’t covid? Parties don’t need to take a long time to organise. How long does it really take to go to the supermarket, grab a few packs of finger foods and some wine? I don’t think it would occur to me to expect people to text their thanks afterwards either. It sounds like you viewed it as a more formal event than your friends did.

“Hosting post pandemic is for the record, is a nightmare, worrying about whether anyone will come, will anyone spread covid”

See this to me totally OTT and the fact you found it all a “nightmare” also makes me think that it wasn’t only your guests who may have been acting different - but also you, and the way you reacted to them.

It’s not a nightmare.
If you’re worried about spreading Covid, you just don’t host 🤷🏻‍♀️
If you were really worried about that, you wouldn’t have had the party.
And sure, it’s more likely now that people will get a positive, or symptoms, and cry off short notice. But that’s not a nightmare. Save the alcohol for next party, freeze the food, or deliver it to the sick friends, or plan it with variations in mind - e.g. bagged snacks to be opened to suit the numbers, not defrosting 100 salmon vol au vents in advance.

It’s not a nightmare to host - so that really sounds like you made it a much bigger deal in your own mind, and that led at least in part to your dissatisfaction with the result.

You wouldn’t actually have wanted anyone there with sniffles though, would you OP? Sniffles was sensible not to bring their sniffles to a house with 30+ other people in it.

Poor you OP. So rude to turn up empty handed and not text to say thank you. I would hate that too. It's a lot of work preparing for a party, not to mention the cost. It doesn't take much to be thoughtful.

Bottom line for me here, is your complaint at people in “random clothes”. For that, YABU. Totally unreasonable. Unless you are moving in a very difficult circle to me 🤣 - Xmas parties for friends and neighbours do not have dress code! Given that you were totally unreasonable about that, it does make me think that you were on edge about it all being “perfect”, and predisposed to be disappointed.

Feel bad for you. Try and forget about it now, nothing you can do about it. Or maybe share how you feel with a couple of friends (who were at the party). There may be some explanations xx

I would have loved to have come OP. You sound like an amazing host. I definitely would not have criticised or been rude.

I can't say that my friends behave like yours. If they did, I would be seriously considering their position as friends. I have had friends in the past say rude things/be malicious and they're not my friends any more.

Manners are hard to come by in general nowadays. People don't use please and thank you as they should. I often hold doors open for people and they don't say anything. Give way to people when driving and then no thank you. Children seem much less polite too. A lot of children seem to have no manners.

Well some of it sounds rude but dress code for a party with friends? Expecting texts?
I'd assume casual dress although I would thank you that night I wouldn't text too. It's not unreasonable to expect your guests to bring a bottle or something though.
I haven't hosted a party since before Covid but I never stress myself out about it
Get some drinks and party food in. Decorations would just be normal Christmas decorations so no extra work really.
Obviously you like to make more of an effort but most people won't assume it took weeks of preparation.

Do you think it is too much time in lockdown? And that is the reason?

Nope. They called off because they didn’t want to come.

“Turning up empty handed” is such an old fashioned tradition. It annoys me when I got shoved a clearly re-gifted crappy box of chocolates when my daughter used to have friends come on play dates. We’ve had parties for decades and with the exception of someone bringing the odd bottle of wine, nobody brought anything and neither was it expected. Ditto the “thank you” texts. I say thanks when I leave a place, why would I follow up with a text?

As for wearing shorts, was there a dress code? Does it really matter what people wear to your parties?

Perhaps the people who didn’t come didn’t want to hassle of making sure they reached your exacting standards.

TheVanguardSix I seriously appreciate your post, I know it isn't me, I was standing there simply listening to most of it thinking wtf!

My friends always text the following day to say what a great night etc, it is NOT normal at all for this not to happen. I have been to some less than great nights and still always thanked the person hosting the party.

I did go to some trouble I agree, and definitely more than laying out a few M&S platters because it has been so long since we were all together and I wanted to make sure they had fun. I so wish I could press rewind, order the platters and some plonk and not bothered quite as much as I did. I don't expect anyone to notice, but it is good manners to at least say thank you. Everyone knew it was a Christmas party, it was Saturday night so no crossed wires, we have had parties like this for years pre covid. Nothing unusual or different about this one, apart from the fact it was HARD WORK! Keeping everyone happy.

Those that have not done this lately prob need to try it to understand. It is not a great feeling to be fair.

Yes I do think it's lockdown related.

I was literally about to start a thread saying i've lost all my social skills and confidence about socialising and did anyone have any tips! If i go out, there's a good chance i'll fall into the "ignorant person" category. I just don't know how to socialise any more :(

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your own party though, i'd always bring something.

I think mobiles have made people a bit crap with late cancellations. Then people are a bit out of practice with socialising. Then some people are just rude anyway.

Indeed. I can understand it taking all day if you cooked a lot and had to put up decorations - though, wouldn’t they be your intended decorations for the period anyway, not specific to the party?
I’m intrigued at how it took weeks of planning!

Manners are hard to come by in general nowadays. People don't use please and thank you as they should. I often hold doors open for people and they don't say anything. Give way to people when driving and then no thank you. Children seem much less polite too. A lot of children seem to have no manners.

Nonsense. I am regularly around children and young people from all sorts of backgrounds and they all have perfectly good manners. What they don’t have is the out dated concept of what “should” happen based on centuries old rules.

It takes seconds to message a quick thank you when someone opens their home to you and I think it means more the day after when people are sober and have reflected on the evening.

When it comes to good manners I totally judge a lack of them in others.

"The last time we gave a party at Christmas, I think we ordered some wine and spirits, got some extra ice, fastened a lot of paper stars to the ceilings (we'd just moved into a big, battered Victorian house that needed to be gutted, so no fancy decor, and most of our belongings were still in boxes), and put a few trays of M and S snacks and mince pies in the oven."

I was thinking about having Christmas drinks and seriously I was planning on having just a bit of red and white wine, a soft drink option and nothing ore because people would bring their own drinks. Then for decorations just a tiny bit of tinsel. I've never provided ice though I have been asked for it once. It's Christmas and cold enough imo!

I already know from MN that I'm a crap host, but I'm really wondering what takes weeks to organise. Even if you provide food...

Those that have not done this lately prob need to try it to understand. It is not a great feeling to be fair.

Or, maybe it’s been so long since you did it you’ve forgotten that parties aren’t about should and shouldn’t and rules and dress codes.

Thank you for the posts that understand where I am coming from. It is pretty shit to wake up with so much cleaning and washing up and feel people just didn't really care :(