Bad manners/no filter/rude what has happened to lots of people?

[Fairylights25]

We held a Christmas party at our house for our friends and neighbours on Saturday night, and I wish I hadn't bothered. It was A LOT of work preparing all of the food, buying all of the drinks and decorating etc and took weeks to organise.
On the day people were texting as late as 4pm to say they had the sniffles, but negative lft so clearly not covid, but they couldn't make it (they go out all of the time so not scared of the virus) Totally rubbish excuses like a long week at work etc etc. Really I was offended by the excuses and why couldn't they have let me know in the morning? Or the day before? Or not accepted in the first place.

On the actual night many people turned up totally empty handed, extremely late in some cases, in random clothes like shorts with no effort, were rude to each other and criticising the music and a few other things like the lack of craft beer etc.
These people are (supposedly) good friends, we haven't seen them for a few months, so this is out of character for many of them, but they were barely polite and some had no filter at all. It was REALLY hard work for some reason.
Half way through I wondered why I had even thought this was a good idea to have the party, it cost so much money. I tried to make the most of it, and ensure everyone had a good time and they did I am pretty sure. People got into the swing of it, and really seemed to enjoy the evening and it ended very late at 2am - we provided everything fine wines, gorgeous food.

I have had two thank yous by text from the 30+ people that came. I feel so deflated and hurt. Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a thank you text message?

I don't think I will ever host another party after this :(

@Totalwasteofpaper

Ah OP what a shame and YANBU!

I had similar a few years back and have changed my hosting style as a result. We used to go ALL out and I got very annoyed with it all for similar reasons.

Now we are much lower key and literally do nothing beyond:

• a good clean of the house
• some cheap fresh flower arrangements
• maybe balloon arches as decoration
• some decent-ish booze from aldi
• Costco platters and a big cake for whatever event it is.

-disposable everything

Weirdly… we get a lot more high end champagne / fancy house candles and macarons etc now we put in less effort 🤷🏻‍♀️

People are strange…

Maybe people feel awkward using good china and fine crystal, trying not to drop food on the carpet and feeling under pressure to behave ‘correctly’, and when the trappings are more low-key, they feel less pressured and are more relaxed.

Eh, I think this type of behaviour has been a long time building. What you describe has been the social norm on social media, and other social spaces on the internet for 20 years now.

We were already heading in this direction, but the covid lockdowns and isolation drove people even more heavily to internet social spaces and what we are seeing is now is even more socially normal internet behaviour spilling over into interpersonal situations.

Welcome to the new normal, and I fear we are only seeing the tip of the iceberg of what is to come.

That's rubbish ...
Invite me next time...I'll dress up and bring a gift....that's just good manners in my book
Can't remember the last time I went to a party....WAY before covid that's for sure !!!
It's sounds lovely 😊

If I host a party I stock up in the expectation that no-one will bring anything and therefore don’t care if they don’t. Social flakes are really annoying though.

Also, to add: I could not give less of a shit what people wear. Just bring a good personality.

Yanbu. I’ve given up organising things recently due to it being so hard to pin people down, last minute cancellations etc. No one ever reciprocates. It’s just rude. We are all very insular and it’s getting worse. But then you see people doing all sorts of fun stuff on social media and that makes me go “Hmmm…”
Maybe it’s just me 🙁

@Fritilleries

I saw someone banging on about 'don't call me rude because you don't like how direct I am.' My gob was smacked!

Sounds like my late MIL, 'I speak my mind', when I said 'Don't you mean I'm rude?' she wasn't impressed but as I told her, I was only speaking my mind!

I think you are missing the point.

Oh no, I get the point. You posted an AIBU but really don’t want to hear anyone say you’re being unreasonable.

If I host a party I stock up in the expectation that no-one will bring anything and therefore don’t care if they don’t.

If I host, I really don’t want anyone to bring drink. We’ve still got a cupboard full of stuff people brought for a barbecue. They didn’t drink any of it, despite repeatedly being offered it, and we don’t drink what they brought. Complete waste.

You sound lie a wonderful host and clearly went to a lot of effort. I do think if people don't host social gatherings at their house they don't always appreciate the time and effort that goes into it. It's easy to assume that it is not much effort to go to the shops to buy a few extras but there is the time before to plan, to invite, to ensure that there is enough food and drink, to go shopping, to go shopping again (as invariably there will be things out of stock/forgotten etc), clean and tidy before, lay tables, decorate/set up the room, heat food, serve food and drinks, ensure guests are topped up, then clean up the next day - not to mention the additional cost of buying all the food and drink the next day.

So with that in mind, I really think it is not much to expect a thank you and it is courtesy to come to a party with a bottle/chocs/flowers whatever! It's nice also when guests reciprocate too. Failure to do so, makes me far less motivated to host anything.

@BoredZelda

I think you are missing the point.

Oh no, I get the point. You posted an AIBU but really don’t want to hear anyone say you’re being unreasonable.

No, she isn't being unreasonable.

Some people clearly don't know any better. Some of the responses to this thread are ample enough proof of that!

We know of two couples that have had covid three times, the first wave in April 2020, the Kent variant last Christmas and then Delta early summer of this year. It is not that unusual. A few more that have had covid twice, and all of us have had covid once (actually apart from one friend and I am not sure how she avoided it) It is not that I am disregarding covid, it is just that we are getting used to living with it here, we take vaccines, precautions and get on with life.

PP that said this has been a long time coming and we should all be expecting this to get worse....my heart sank reading that because I really don't want Saturday night to be the new normal because it was intolerable in places, and not something I would want to do on a regular basis or even ever again and I really enjoy entertaining. This would be terrible for our children, already spending so much life on their screens. So if that is true that is really bad news for all of us :(

bored You have made ample comments about my unreasonable expectations, and that I shouldn't expect anything from anyone, least of all god forbid a thank you text is my ridiculous sky high expectations of other people, I hear you. If that is your view that is as valid as anyones and I thank you for posting. It would not do for us all to agree. We are clearly not all the same.

Lol, I knew there would be a response of "why are you having parties during Covid?". It's an endemic virus that mutates, it will be with us for 5+ years if not forever - are we meant to never have parties ever again? Everyone I know has been vaccinated, a lot of people do LF tests before coming to big gatherings, life has to go on.

@Fairylights25

bored You have made ample comments about my unreasonable expectations, and that I shouldn't expect anything from anyone, least of all god forbid a thank you text is my ridiculous sky high expectations of other people, I hear you. If that is your view that is as valid as anyones and I thank you for posting. It would not do for us all to agree. We are clearly not all the same.

OP, did they thank you during the party? Or when leaving? If yes, then all sorted. If not, then they are double rude! We shall be back to normal, hopefully soon!

@Fairylights25

I really need to explain the shorts thing.

If you have a party where everyone is wearing dresses or trousers and blazers and the chaps are in jackets and shirts, and that is how it has always been and then one person rocks up in paint splattered combat shorts and trainers, they are going to stand out, as they did, not only for what they were wearing but also because they have been so super smart in the past. It was very noticeable because he is usually such a thoughtful and well dressed friend.

Why the shorts?
Making a point by deliberating under dressing? - maybe
Can't be bothered to change? - fair enough
Having some problems and past caring? - possible

It doesn't actually matter about the short themselves, it was just that for him it was very out of character. It gave me a bad feeling about the night, and it was an omen of things to come.

I'd guess his partner wanted to come but didn't want to come by herself, so she cajoled him into coming when he didn't want to. So he refused to get washed and changed, couldn't be arsed to go to the off license, moaned about the beer available and was generally rude because he'd rather have been at home/in the pub and he didn't care who knew this because he has no manners. So how he was before is when he wanted to be there and how he was this time was because he didn't want to be there. It's both him, but different versions and you've only ever seen him in "willing" mode before, so you never realised what a git he really is underneath.

I wouldn't care about the shorts but the rest of the behaviour does sound rude. I would always bring something. I agree with pp that we have all forgotten how to behave in a pandemic. DH has forgotten how to dress because he wfh and might have been that guest in shorts:)

@PinkPiranha11

Yanbu. I’ve given up organising things recently due to it being so hard to pin people down, last minute cancellations etc. No one ever reciprocates. It’s just rude. We are all very insular and it’s getting worse. But then you see people doing all sorts of fun stuff on social media and that makes me go “Hmmm…” Maybe it’s just me 🙁

I'm convinced that people come in two types. The ones who spends time with whoever is closest, making last minute plans of convenience with whoever is around. So neighbours, colleagues, whoever they live with, whoever randomly drops by.

And people like us who decides we like someone and puts the effort in to maintain a relationship with that person regardless of geographic location, differing interests, busy diaries. We make time and are willing to do what is necessary to keep the relationship going. It doesn't work if the other person is the first type and we no longer house share, live close by, work together etc.

off topic but god yes, loss of dress sense! We have our christmas work do on Friday and I'm dreading it, not for the company but because I have no idea what to wear. I feel like I've forgotten how to do these social occasions.

You sound like a great host. I always text to say thank you after something like that- I can't imagine not doing. I'd also never turn up empty handed - even when I go somewhere for coffee I normally take biscuits or something.

We had a garden event for a few friends in summer to catch up after months of not being able to do much. Took a bit of organising as we have a seasonal business so needed to work around that. Gave everyone several weeks notice. Decorated the garden, borrowed garden chairs from neighbours, did a massive online shop and was really looking forward to it. Weather was fab.

I knew a couple coming liked a particular food so got a really nice version of it in for them. They then flaked late on the day. Really flimsy excuse, no real apology and sadly not the first time. It's so inconsiderate and bloody rude. We could have invited other people instead had we known. I wouldn't cancel on people unless I absolutely had to. It's soul destroying when you've done the planning. They're trying to make Christmas plans now but we aren't planning on going back for any more crappy treatment.

@Helocariad I had to go through my wardrobe and remind myself what I used to wear to dress-up occasions.

@Helocariad Sparkly top and dark jeans? Not too much but not too little.

Some people clearly don't know any better.

Define “better”? There are a load of expectations put on people who simply have a different view on what should happen. Not wearing shorts or making a throwaway comment about craft beer is not the height of bad manners. And neither, in my world, is showing up at a party without a gift, unless it is a celebration like a birthday. When people do it to me, I’d rather they didn’t bother. I invite them because I want to see them, not because I want a gift.

You have made ample comments about my unreasonable expectations, and that I shouldn't expect anything from anyone, least of all god forbid a thank you text is my ridiculous sky high expectations of other people, I hear you.

Nobody said thanks or nice to see you or similar as they left? Seeing my guests have a good time is reward enough, without them sending a hasty text next day. So yes, adjust your expectations otherwise you spend a day being annoyed and posting rants on MN.

@BoredZelda

If I host a party I stock up in the expectation that no-one will bring anything and therefore don’t care if they don’t.

If I host, I really don’t want anyone to bring drink. We’ve still got a cupboard full of stuff people brought for a barbecue. They didn’t drink any of it, despite repeatedly being offered it, and we don’t drink what they brought. Complete waste.

Offer it on a local fb site. Someone would love it this Christmas

I knew a couple coming liked a particular food so got a really nice version of it in for them. They then flaked late on the day.

Did they know you'd bought food specifically for them?

When I RSVP to a party, I don't assume the host is going to purchase specific things that are intended for me.

And post-covid, if I have a sniffle I assume that other people won't want me around. LFTs aren't 100% accurate, and I think it's antisocial to go out with a cough or cold in the current climate.

That's not to say I flake on things (I haven't personally cancelled any events due to a sniffle), but I would if I had any symptoms at all. I dont want to end up responsible for spreading Covid or any other disease.