Bad manners/no filter/rude what has happened to lots of people?

[Fairylights25]

We held a Christmas party at our house for our friends and neighbours on Saturday night, and I wish I hadn't bothered. It was A LOT of work preparing all of the food, buying all of the drinks and decorating etc and took weeks to organise.
On the day people were texting as late as 4pm to say they had the sniffles, but negative lft so clearly not covid, but they couldn't make it (they go out all of the time so not scared of the virus) Totally rubbish excuses like a long week at work etc etc. Really I was offended by the excuses and why couldn't they have let me know in the morning? Or the day before? Or not accepted in the first place.

On the actual night many people turned up totally empty handed, extremely late in some cases, in random clothes like shorts with no effort, were rude to each other and criticising the music and a few other things like the lack of craft beer etc.
These people are (supposedly) good friends, we haven't seen them for a few months, so this is out of character for many of them, but they were barely polite and some had no filter at all. It was REALLY hard work for some reason.
Half way through I wondered why I had even thought this was a good idea to have the party, it cost so much money. I tried to make the most of it, and ensure everyone had a good time and they did I am pretty sure. People got into the swing of it, and really seemed to enjoy the evening and it ended very late at 2am - we provided everything fine wines, gorgeous food.

I have had two thank yous by text from the 30+ people that came. I feel so deflated and hurt. Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a thank you text message?

I don't think I will ever host another party after this :(

I think it depends on the group though. I'm in my late 20s and no-one really brings gifts to parties, the host will put on some alcohol and people will bring the stuff they would like to drink. I've never seen anyone gifting chocolates or flowers. The morning-after text isn't compulsory either.

People have become a lot more insular though, and have essentially lived in their own little bubble for the best part of 2 years - I've noticed people are not very accepting of others anymore. I'm doing a party soon and some of my friends are pretty insistent on bringing their dog (they didn't even ask), even though I'm allergic and have said no. To me it seems bonkers and so unreasonable but maybe to them it seems unthinkable that not everybody wants their dog in their home. I swear 5 years ago this just would not have been an issue!

I don't know is the answer, it could be either rudeness or poor MH as he got so terribly drunk I couldn't have a coherent conversation with him. I left dh to deal with him. His wife was wearing a red velvet dress with kitten heels, he was wearing shorts.

Why the shorts?
Making a point by deliberating under dressing? - maybe
Can't be bothered to change? - fair enough
Having some problems and past caring? - possible

Feels comfortable wearing shorts and doesn't think his friends will judge? - almost certainly

WFH and lockdown has meant that most people have dressed more casually over the last 18 months. Many people have discovered that they prefer more casual clothes, so they no longer want to wear a blazer (which is pretty old-school formal!) to a party. It's not rudeness to wear clothes that you're comfortable in.

The very nice party I attended on Saturday night had a few people wearing a smart top/shirt and jeans, a few people in Christmas jumpers, a couple of women in nice dresses/skirts, and a few people in fairly plain t-shirts/sweaters. We're all aged 35-50, and that sort of clothing mix is typical for the parties in my friendship group.

Now we are much lower key and literally do nothing beyond:
.....
- maybe balloon arches as decoration

Er.... WTF? If that's low-key, what did you do before?

People have become a lot more insular though, and have essentially lived in their own little bubble for the best part of 2 years - I've noticed people are not very accepting of others anymore. I'm doing a party soon and some of my friends are pretty insistent on bringing their dog (they didn't even ask), even though I'm allergic and have said no. To me it seems bonkers and so unreasonable but maybe to them it seems unthinkable that not everybody wants their dog in their home. I swear 5 years ago this just would not have been an issue!

Totally agree with that. Add to that social anxiety increased by lockdown and a lot of people feel hurt and decide to no longer bother.

I feel my social skills are still suffering and it's shit but I have made the effort to reconnect with friends for drinks, meals, coffees in town. It's been lovely so far, and I've been upfront with them (and some of them with me) about feeling more socially anxious than I used to.

@OnwardsAndSideways1

I think it's a combination of things- people were on edge this last weekend about Omicron, a few people will have decided a packed party isn't worth it/too risky, so that's probably why there were last min cancellations. People are a bit snippy or introverted at the moment, I noticed it at work, especially in masks but then I think they are out of practice when they take them off. There is just an edge to life at the moment, it's not relaxing, a lot of people are worried about money/depressed and there just isn't the party atmosphere going on. My Christmas party was cancelled, which says it all.

Given all that, your friends sound like they had a good time, you sound on edge and not relaxed yourself, so it may be six of one and half a dozen of the other. I'd do smaller things with a few people who you know their circumstances for your own birthday, and forget the big bash for a little while. Sad but realistic.

This is a lovely balanced post and an excellent username

It is definitely not right that people should be insisting on bringing their dogs, are they therapy dogs by any chance? Can you explore why the dogs are so important as maybe you can replace it with something you are not allergic to? You are right though vicky it has become very hard work to keep everyone's needs met, and I hope you have a much better time than I did! I would love to be in my 20s again where anything goes! Although no one ever brought their dog to a party!!

@vickyp0llard

I think it depends on the group though. I'm in my late 20s and no-one really brings gifts to parties, the host will put on some alcohol and people will bring the stuff they would like to drink. I've never seen anyone gifting chocolates or flowers. The morning-after text isn't compulsory either.

People have become a lot more insular though, and have essentially lived in their own little bubble for the best part of 2 years - I've noticed people are not very accepting of others anymore. I'm doing a party soon and some of my friends are pretty insistent on bringing their dog (they didn't even ask), even though I'm allergic and have said no. To me it seems bonkers and so unreasonable but maybe to them it seems unthinkable that not everybody wants their dog in their home. I swear 5 years ago this just would not have been an issue!

That's interesting! I really hope the dogs all get on

this has also made me think of the bonkers dog birthday party on Selling Sunset

@CouldIhaveaword

Because we're living in a culture that promotes selfish individualism: you do you; I'm just being honest/keeping it real; start by loving yourself; yolo, etc.

Many people have forgotten the importance of manners. They are not just snobbery, but have generally evolved to make us more considerate to the needs of others and to reduce conflict.

^^ This. I have found British people to be terribly selfish and self important. Basic manners ( for similar situations) I’ve found the world over are : take a contribution, don’t criticise and accept what is offered. Always thank your host after the event.

I know people blame COVID for lots of things but I don’t think it’s to blame for general ignorance and rudeness, we’ve all been affected in some way, you don’t get special treatment for being a cunt.

Basic manners ( for similar situations) I’ve found the world over are : take a contribution, don’t criticise and accept what is offered. Always thank your host after the event

I don't think it is rocket science either, but apparently I am expecting too much and I am too 'rigid' whatever that means!

@Fairylights25

It is definitely not right that people should be insisting on bringing their dogs, are they therapy dogs by any chance? Can you explore why the dogs are so important as maybe you can replace it with something you are not allergic to? You are right though vicky it has become very hard work to keep everyone's needs met, and I hope you have a much better time than I did! I would love to be in my 20s again where anything goes! Although no one ever brought their dog to a party!!

Nope, just quite a pampered one who hasn't been left alone AFAIK. This reminds me of why I usually don't host parties, just attend them! I am happy to cook vegan/gluten free food for guests, put on different drinks, clean the house - but I draw the line at animals in the house which make me ill.

This is it - keeping everyone's needs met. I'm a social person and love meeting friends and parties, but nowadays it seems like a minefield of things you can't say because someone will get offended. Then anytime anyone hosts a party one of the group will jump in and say "should you even be hosting a party, what about Covid".

@Fairylights25 your party sounds lovely and I would have been thrilled to come. I would also have texted the next day to say thank you.

I had a similar experience recently where we put on a big Halloween party for DC (ages 11-12) and their friends. It took all day to decorate, cook, prepare. I only got one Thank you text back from a parent. I appreciate this is children, and it is different to a party for adults but I was a little surprised!

Parties take variable amounts of effort. I am not naturally in the ready prepared finger food from Tesco category, and would always spend time cooking/preparing dishes or nibbles from scratch. I would be gutted if I had done that and people just didn't show up. Luckily I don't have people over for food very often.

That's interesting! I really hope the dogs all get on

Given that poster has already said no, this shouldn't be an issue as there's no way the dogs should be entering the house.

If the host says no to pets, the guests don't get to overrule that. If they have a problem with that, that's fine - they can go home (taking their dog with them) and they won't be invited again anyway.

Sorry I worded that confusingly, it's only one. If it was multiple I think I'd just cancel the party, easier than the stress of working out how to say no without mortally offending someone. "It's a part of the family" - so's your auntie, but you don't insist on dragging her to parties with you!

My parents used to host loads of parties but all I remember is being roped in to tidying the house all day, then having to socialise with all these posh old farts in their 60s who would get pissed and give me life advice. Hence it's taken me nearly 3 decades to finally organise my own party. What a hassle - I think the best way is to just hire the upstairs room of a bar, then everyone can buy their own drinks and food, and no tidying either.

I never turn up without a bottle

@Stumpedasatree

Are you supposed to send a thank you message for children’s parties?

I'm a social person and love meeting friends and parties, but nowadays it seems like a minefield of things you can't say because someone will get offended. Then anytime anyone hosts a party one of the group will jump in and say "should you even be hosting a party, what about Covid"

Yes you have made such a good point, maybe it is not just the lockdown and after effects but general wokery. I noticed some subjects are just to sensitive to even raise, and the potential for explosive differences increased since we voted to leave the EU and have continued about every subject under the sun ever since. Some evenings I have sat at the table praying no one will mention kids vaccines for instance, or university sexual assault policy these days or GC discussions. When did we ever get to a stage in a free democracy where we could not debate things properly? As a result lots of people just don't even go there now, which is a shame because I miss having a loud discussions about current affairs and all were respectful and good humoured.

@WarmWinterSun, I do, just a text message!

David Baddiel has done a documentary about social media and how it's turned people like this. Ironically, someone well known on Twitter decided to pick a fight with him on the clip shown of it. It was of a trans rights protest and they totally disregarded what was being said by Baddiel at the time of it being shown.
People are so quick to jump on and criticise others for on all socia media platforms that it is spilling into real life. The huge increase of time we spent online in lockdown will be influencing our main character syndrome.

Agree OP - I went to a Halloween party and spent so long racking my brains of a funny costume that wouldn't offend someone in the room. I gave up and just went as a witch in the end!

Your party hosting sounds lovely! I would have enjoyed it!

@Fairylights25

They were not shit friends before, seriously they were not, this kind of shitty behaviour is totally new. Many of them I have known for decades. Definitely not the case in this instance.

It may have been there, under the surface, well hidden by a mask of civility that has now been cast aside. When times are hard you see people for who they truly are deep inside.

Basic manners ( for similar situations) I’ve found the world over are

Actually the first tenet of good manners is that your guests are guests and how they behave is fine, despite your own views.