Bad manners/no filter/rude what has happened to lots of people?

[Fairylights25]

We held a Christmas party at our house for our friends and neighbours on Saturday night, and I wish I hadn't bothered. It was A LOT of work preparing all of the food, buying all of the drinks and decorating etc and took weeks to organise.
On the day people were texting as late as 4pm to say they had the sniffles, but negative lft so clearly not covid, but they couldn't make it (they go out all of the time so not scared of the virus) Totally rubbish excuses like a long week at work etc etc. Really I was offended by the excuses and why couldn't they have let me know in the morning? Or the day before? Or not accepted in the first place.

On the actual night many people turned up totally empty handed, extremely late in some cases, in random clothes like shorts with no effort, were rude to each other and criticising the music and a few other things like the lack of craft beer etc.
These people are (supposedly) good friends, we haven't seen them for a few months, so this is out of character for many of them, but they were barely polite and some had no filter at all. It was REALLY hard work for some reason.
Half way through I wondered why I had even thought this was a good idea to have the party, it cost so much money. I tried to make the most of it, and ensure everyone had a good time and they did I am pretty sure. People got into the swing of it, and really seemed to enjoy the evening and it ended very late at 2am - we provided everything fine wines, gorgeous food.

I have had two thank yous by text from the 30+ people that came. I feel so deflated and hurt. Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a thank you text message?

I don't think I will ever host another party after this :(

Did the guests not say thank you when they left? For some people they feel that is enough. I always say a second thank you but I've noticed not everyone does.

[quote Kanaloa]@mydogisthebest

It has been suggested in this thread that it’s appropriate to bring drinks ‘and a small gift’ with many saying flowers or chocolates. If everyone did this then yes, you would end up with 30 bunches of flowers or boxes of chocolates.[/quote]
But in reality if quite a few people are too rude to bring anything and a few bring alcohol (which is the more normal thing to bring) then getting loads of flowers is extremely unlikely.

I would be only too pleased to receive a few bunches of flowers.

I'm a social person and love meeting friends and parties, but nowadays it seems like a minefield of things you can't say because someone will get offended. Then anytime anyone hosts a party one of the group will jump in and say "should you even be hosting a party, what about Covid"

This is madness.

I don't constantly worry about saying offensive things because I'm not racist/sexist/homophobic/bigoted. I don't worry about my friends pouncing on things I say or getting performatively offended at parties because we live in the real world, not Twitter.

People do occasionally express worries about socialising in a pandemic, but my friends tend to do it in a normal way, not to score points off each other.

If your friends are this shit, then it's your friends that are the problem (or you, if you're making bigoted remarks and getting upset when people are offended). It's not general society, just the bit of it hat you choose to surround yourself with.

Some of your party guests sound rude IMO @Fairylights25. I held a little drinks do last night, and everyone brought something except for two people who'd called yesterday and asked what they should bring. When I replied 'just yourselves, I've got everything', one invited me to dinner next week, and the other's coming round on Friday with pastries from the new local bakery. We were a merry group of about a dozen, only missing two people whose DM had had a fall so obviously had to cancel, and it was a very pleasant evening.

Everyone was happy with my catering, and besides the thanks as people departed, I also received thank you messages last night and this morning. Most people were dressed in smart casual or something festive, yes there was a velvet dress and a couple of xmas jumpers, but it was all very relaxed. That's because when Covid came in last year I used it as the perfect excuse to cull my invitee / 'friend' list and got rid of all the 'where's the beer' types arriving empty handed to a specifically champagne do, or the ones who eat everything in sight but bring only a packet of crisps to communal events.

I agree with everyone who says manners have slipped, for whatever reason - you can blame lockdown, I might be tempted to blame reality tv where nothing's real and everyone's rude and self-obsessed! So feel sorry for you Fairylights, and hope your special party in February is attended only by people who think you're special and will treat you that way.

That sounds quite a formal approach to socialising. It is how I behaved when visiting the in-laws.
But with friends we are way more casual than that. Its about fun.

Julieca I'd never been to their house before, so yes it was formal.

But bringing something along and making an effort to make conversation and be friendly are all things I'd do with my close friends too.

I don't agree with the idea that you can be so familiar and casual with people that you don't make some effort, although of course you cut people some slack if they have got stuff going on in their lives.

This is why i miss student parties....everyone turns up with a bottle and gets pissed. Someone may throw up but people will have a laugh.
Low expectations = more fun.
I would get rid of balloon arches etc and do a big pot of chilli. People can bring nachos and dips if they like. Perhaps make a big bowl of sangria or punch and have a disco in the lounge so no one has to make small talk about bollocks!

If you don't enjoy all that planning, ordering food and cooking, why did you organize a party?
If you did enjoy the process, why would you need thank you texts?
If it did not match your expectations, maybe, your expectations were too high?

I have never thanked anyone by text after a party but i do turn up with drink/nibbles.

gloria Your evening sounds exactly like most of mine in the past, and precisely how it usually is. The things I listed are not deal breakers, no one is going to lose sleep but I am not sure I can summon the energy to do it again when it seems to mean so little. A text is not so hard to send and no one is that busy!

Notquite I enjoy organising and planning parties so that is why I hosted it, it was not quite so fun having so many very last minute cancellations that stressed me out a lot, and none were actually ill so doubly annoying and my expectations/hope of one single text is not especially high in my view.

I too miss the student parties, but even then people at least contributed something even if was home made wine that would ensure many of us were unable to stand up from the blinding headaches for days afterwards!

Sorry OP, but I can’t get over hosting a house party in the middle of a Pandemic. Do people like you really not give a stuff about Covid? Is it a “Londoners” thing?

We used to host a NY Day party every year (no-one really bothers with NYE around here), and obviously cancelled it last January and won’t be holding it next month either, due to Covid.

I think December is especially difficult for parties - people seem to over commit themselves and then pull out last minute with a poor excuse. Covid has probably made it worse, as everyone is out of practice and lacking stamina.

I entertain a lot, and generally love it, but haven’t held a Christmas party in years - I get fed up with all the no shows and poor excuses. I could invite all the same people in June and it would be a great success, but December is tough.

@FatBettyintheCoop

Sorry OP, but I can’t get over hosting a house party in the middle of a Pandemic. Do people like you really not give a stuff about Covid? Is it a “Londoners” thing?

We used to host a NY Day party every year (no-one really bothers with NYE around here), and obviously cancelled it last January and won’t be holding it next month either, due to Covid.

1. no one asked
2. everything is open, everywhere and there are parties going on ALL the time amongst both the rich and famous and the rest of us

I wouldn't go to an adult party right now, I also wouldn't host one, but do I take my children to soft play or parties they are invited to? Yes. Am I going to one of the school's nativity showings which will be a room of 60 people? Yes. So I'm no different really. They've missed out on enough so I'm not going to deny them anything.

fatbetty parties are happening up and down the country, not just here in London! We are ALL vaccinated, most of us three times over and all of us have had covid at least one, some poor buggers have had it twice and three times over. Why on earth would we cancel??

None of us are CEV and all of us have teens and kids so massively exposed every day at school, work, tube, shopping and god knows what else. I don't know why you won't be having your NY party but it is up to you. You can judge for yourself - if you have health concerns or other reasons why you should cancel then organise it for next year. The rest of us will be partying for as long as we can!

I entertain a lot, and generally love it, but haven’t held a Christmas party in years - I get fed up with all the no shows and poor excuses. I could invite all the same people in June and it would be a great success, but December is tough

That is an excellent point.
I had a friend that organised a massive party in December and only 50% turned up despite accepting her invite, as they had a better more glamorous offer elsewhere. Perhaps I should be grateful they turned up at all! {hmm]
Excellent point though, I had kind of forgotten how busy December can be, and just assumed it would be fine as we were only just emerging from the restrictions when it was organised - and it is early enough in December. I don't blame you for not doing it again, I am not sure I will after this either!! MyAnacondaMight

I feel like a lot of people have totally lost their manners lately but it pre-dated COVID. I reckon whoever said it's social media, and too much time online is right. And it's got bog all to do with some "English etiqutte"! Try going out in Italy or Spain-you will find people generally have rather formal manners and behave very properly!
Sorry OP, it sounds like it was hard work. I would love to put on a sparkly dress and go to a big party. I always bring posh soft drinks, some home made cheese straws and I help clean up!

@Fairylights25

I'm a social person and love meeting friends and parties, but nowadays it seems like a minefield of things you can't say because someone will get offended. Then anytime anyone hosts a party one of the group will jump in and say "should you even be hosting a party, what about Covid"

Yes you have made such a good point, maybe it is not just the lockdown and after effects but general wokery. I noticed some subjects are just to sensitive to even raise, and the potential for explosive differences increased since we voted to leave the EU and have continued about every subject under the sun ever since. Some evenings I have sat at the table praying no one will mention kids vaccines for instance, or university sexual assault policy these days or GC discussions. When did we ever get to a stage in a free democracy where we could not debate things properly? As a result lots of people just don't even go there now, which is a shame because I miss having a loud discussions about current affairs and all were respectful and good humoured.

But this kind of conversation again sounds like dinner party stuff, rather than the kind of party that has 30 + people dancing? Is it possible you're giving off mixed messages about what kind of event to expect -- dressed up, painstakingly made/selected food and wine, or a much more casual affair where there's no dress code or expectation of punctuality?

I agree with a pp that it seems deeply odd to me that, even if you're OK with throwing a party during a pandemic, you don't factor in that all your guests may not be, and may drop out from fear of infection, or for fear their sniffle is something more serious...?

@vickyp0llard, people want to bring their dogs everywhere because the dogs have been socialised to depend on their constant company during lockdown and if their owners are still working from home.

The dogs bark and howl and annoy the pants off the neighbours if left alone, not to mention the destruction of rugs and furniture and handbags, shoes, etc.

@Fairylights25

fatbetty parties are happening up and down the country, not just here in London! We are ALL vaccinated, most of us three times over and all of us have had covid at least one, some poor buggers have had it twice and three times over. Why on earth would we cancel??

None of us are CEV and all of us have teens and kids so massively exposed every day at school, work, tube, shopping and god knows what else. I don't know why you won't be having your NY party but it is up to you. You can judge for yourself - if you have health concerns or other reasons why you should cancel then organise it for next year. The rest of us will be partying for as long as we can!

Then why did you get so stressed about the possibly of spreading Covid? Your posts are a bit confused on that point.

I don’t know anyone who has had Covid three times and you know more than one who has? How unusual.

@Fairylights25

I really need to explain the shorts thing.

If you have a party where everyone is wearing dresses or trousers and blazers and the chaps are in jackets and shirts, and that is how it has always been and then one person rocks up in paint splattered combat shorts and trainers, they are going to stand out, as they did, not only for what they were wearing but also because they have been so super smart in the past. It was very noticeable because he is usually such a thoughtful and well dressed friend.

Why the shorts?
Making a point by deliberating under dressing? - maybe
Can't be bothered to change? - fair enough
Having some problems and past caring? - possible

It doesn't actually matter about the short themselves, it was just that for him it was very out of character. It gave me a bad feeling about the night, and it was an omen of things to come.

An omen? Seriously?

I completely see where you’re coming from about one person dressing unexpectedly. I would make sure I spoke to them to get a general feel for how they were coping.

But to take that as an “omen” for the evening? Well, it’s not wonder you ended up having such an awful time. Honestly, the weeping and wailing about all the effort (I don’t think you explained why it took weeks to plan?) about being nervous about it before hand, about it all being a nightmare beforehand - and now this stuff about omens? Because one guy wears shorts? You sound like you started that night extremely highly strung, and no doubt that led to you over reacting to some of the behaviour.

I know loads of people who haver had it twice. Not everyone works from home...if you are a nurse, or a supermarket worker, a teacher, a care home worker, a nursery worker, a waiter etc etc you could well have had covid a couple of times already.

I think a large percentage of people have become aggressively, pro-actively rude, self-absorbed and entitled after the last 2 years of restrictions, limitations and rules. It's kind of frightening in some ways.

@Fairylights25 you’re explaining yourself perfectly well, some posters are just determined to behave like arseholes. Not unlike some of your guests it seems.

Parties are so variable. I’m hosting a Christmas party in a couple of weeks and men will be in trouser/shirt/blazer combos but I’ll guarantee all the women will dress up. There will be lots of effort. If one of my friends who would usually make an effort turned up in her yoga pants and trainers if find it very odd.

I’ve been hosting parties for two decades and I’d say it was very unusual to turn up empty handed. In the early days when poor students people would bring alcohol or drugs now I get diptyque candles, coffee table books or similar.

How times change

@ifnot yes, I know several who have had it twice. Just none three times! Do you?
Even if OP just has a bunch of super susceptible, unusually exposed or just unlucky friends, I don’t know why on the one hand she was stressed about hosting in case of spreading Covid - and then changed to sounding rather defensive about the suggestion of cancelling.

Fatbetty your 'Londoners' comment is pretty offensive. We're not a separate species, and people here care just as much about Covid as anywhere else.

This is bonkers! You have decided that the op needs to be you!