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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bad manners/no filter/rude what has happened to lots of people?

349 replies

Fairylights25 · 06/12/2021 10:38

We held a Christmas party at our house for our friends and neighbours on Saturday night, and I wish I hadn't bothered. It was A LOT of work preparing all of the food, buying all of the drinks and decorating etc and took weeks to organise.
On the day people were texting as late as 4pm to say they had the sniffles, but negative lft so clearly not covid, but they couldn't make it (they go out all of the time so not scared of the virus) Totally rubbish excuses like a long week at work etc etc. Really I was offended by the excuses and why couldn't they have let me know in the morning? Or the day before? Or not accepted in the first place.

On the actual night many people turned up totally empty handed, extremely late in some cases, in random clothes like shorts with no effort, were rude to each other and criticising the music and a few other things like the lack of craft beer etc.
These people are (supposedly) good friends, we haven't seen them for a few months, so this is out of character for many of them, but they were barely polite and some had no filter at all. It was REALLY hard work for some reason.
Half way through I wondered why I had even thought this was a good idea to have the party, it cost so much money. I tried to make the most of it, and ensure everyone had a good time and they did I am pretty sure. People got into the swing of it, and really seemed to enjoy the evening and it ended very late at 2am - we provided everything fine wines, gorgeous food.

I have had two thank yous by text from the 30+ people that came. I feel so deflated and hurt. Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a thank you text message?

I don't think I will ever host another party after this :(

OP posts:

Slowchimes · 06/12/2021 14:18

I don't know why people are criticising "English" manners for being too formal. Try living in continental Europe where mostly, etiquette is much more strict. As ever it depends who you are mixing with, but the UK is relatively relaxed in comparison to many places.

CSJobseeker · 06/12/2021 14:19

The threads saying things along the lines of "I invited a bunch of wankers to my house and, guess what, they all behaved like wankers!" always make me laugh. It's not dissimilar to the people who complain that their FB friends are all braggy or attention seeking.

The trick is to surround yourself (in real life and on FB) with people who aren't wankers. I went to a party on Saturday night. No-one was rude to the host, everyone I saw had brought a gift for the host, and everyone was pleasant to each other. People had worn a variety of clothing styles, including very casual clothes, and the host didn't judge them.

Just because your particular friendship group contains a number of very rude people who complain about craft beer/people wearing shorts doesn't mean that everyone is rude.

HoppingPavlova · 06/12/2021 14:20

I would only text the following day if I couldn’t find the host to say thank you when I was leaving the party. How many thank you’s should there be?

The offence at the shorts is odd, doesn’t sound like a fun do if formal attire is expected. Most people suffer through formal work do’s, hardly a bag of fun or something you would voluntarily attend , especially at a friends.

The example of the (to you) jaw dropping conversation seems normal. Surely not a crime to ask someone what they are planning for the future if they are not doing anything now?

The example of the beer is extremely rude. People generally take what is on offer or go without if not to their taste. Mentioning that the beer on offer is crap is woeful.

In short, it seems you were planning some odd twilight supper ‘Bucket style’ and everyone else just thought it was a get-together and there was a mis-match in expectations all round.

Lanareyrey · 06/12/2021 14:20

OP YADNBU. I experienced similar Saturday night just gone, told my husband that it was the last time I am hosting. My friends seem to have all turned into self entitled assholes and I’m just done. Chalk to up to a learning experience and don’t do it again.

Original poster

Fairylights25 · 06/12/2021 14:24

I really need to explain the shorts thing.

If you have a party where everyone is wearing dresses or trousers and blazers and the chaps are in jackets and shirts, and that is how it has always been and then one person rocks up in paint splattered combat shorts and trainers, they are going to stand out, as they did, not only for what they were wearing but also because they have been so super smart in the past. It was very noticeable because he is usually such a thoughtful and well dressed friend.

Why the shorts?
Making a point by deliberating under dressing? - maybe
Can't be bothered to change? - fair enough
Having some problems and past caring? - possible

It doesn't actually matter about the short themselves, it was just that for him it was very out of character. It gave me a bad feeling about the night, and it was an omen of things to come.

OP posts:

greenmarlin · 06/12/2021 14:28

Fairy I get what you are saying. We were invited to our neighbours house the other night for dinner and they cooked a beautiful meal, offered drinks etc, and I appreciated it so much. When you turn up at someone's house for a meal, you shouldn't arrive empty handed and you should also make an effort to 'carry' the evening somewhat, to be pleasant and make conversation, because by that point the hosts are usually exhausted and wondering why they bothered. It's basic manners.

Original poster

Fairylights25 · 06/12/2021 14:29

Lanareyrey I am sorry your Saturday night was the same as mine. It is crap isn't it, and I am still tidying up even now!

I don't pp are listening - these people were not wankers/entitled/aggressive or rude before, not at any point ever, or they would not be invited, but they are now.
I don't honestly know why, I can only think it is the pandemic. It was not every single one of the guests, of course not, many of my friends were amazing.

OP posts:

WarmWinterSun · 06/12/2021 14:29

The shorts thing is rude because it shows the host that you couldn’t be bothered to dress properly when the host has gone to an effort. Shorts for a bbq are fine, but not a winter drinks party. I thought that one was pretty obvious so it’s interesting others find it weird.

IntermittentParps · 06/12/2021 14:29

@greenmarlin

Totally. I can't imagine going to someone's house for dinner or a party empty-handed. It's just so basic, isn't it? And yes, there is such a thing as a good guest as well as a good host.

CSJobseeker · 06/12/2021 14:30

And it should go without saying (although apparently it does need to be said!)- you say thank you. On leaving, and the next day, by text/email/phone call.

Doing both is not the norm, and not required at all. I have hosted many parties and the norm is just to say 'thanks for a lovely evening' before you leave. That is perfectly polite and sufficient.

WhenSepEnds · 06/12/2021 14:31

You are DNBU OP.
Really, I don't know why anyone thinks its fine to turn up to a party empty handed. So someone has put food and drink on for you, opened their home up to you, spent time cleaning, choosing music etc and you don't think it's just common decency to bring something, even just a token gift? I think that's pretty rude.
No thank you text - I also regard that as rude. It literal takes seconds and lets the host know you appreciated their effort.
The craft beer thing- I think I would have told them they were welcome to bring their own if they are picky about what they drink. Guaranteed they will not be so picky at home and just buy whatever is on offer.

Original poster

Fairylights25 · 06/12/2021 14:32

I do think culturally we are going in the wrong direction though. SM has made people grandstand endlessly, some have become selfish and it is all about ME now, rather than genuine interest in other people. Many just seem very much out for themselves, and don't bother hiding it anymore.

I am not like that, I don't appreciate it and it makes me feel like emigrating to somewhere nicer!

OP posts:

FabriqueBelgique · 06/12/2021 14:32

I feel bad for you!

You went to a lot of effort for your friends to enjoy themselves after lockdowns, that should really be appreciated in times like this, we’re becoming more separated than ever!

Is this how we all end up in pods, like in Wall-E ?!

CSJobseeker · 06/12/2021 14:33

he is usually such a thoughtful and well dressed friend

Do you have any idea how that sentence sounds?

I wouldn't personally wear shorts, but I also wouldn't blink an eye if a friend dressed casually for a party. I invite them because I like their company, not because I like their clothes.

Original poster

Fairylights25 · 06/12/2021 14:36

CS I feel like I am really not explaining myself well, because he would never usually rock up in old shorts, it is not him, he is the pristine guest that always is well dressed, he looked like he was camping. It was odd choice for a Christmas drinks party. Will I hold it against him? No of course not, but I do hope he is okay.

OP posts:

PleasantBirthday · 06/12/2021 14:39

@Fairylights25

This is a mixed message though because you did originally use wearing shorts as an example of rudeness but from this post, it looks like you are saying you are concerned for his mental health.

Shodan · 06/12/2021 14:43

Doing both is not the norm, and not required at all.

Maybe not, especially at a small gathering - but I've yet to meet a host/ess who doesn't appreciate a follow-up text, even after an in-person thank you as you're leaving. Particularly at a larger party, where many people might be leaving at the same time. Or, maybe, if the host/ess has had quite a few to drink.

I think it's nice to reiterate what a good time you had, and perhaps to mention a particular highlight of the evening.

But- different strokes and all that .

CousinKrispy · 06/12/2021 14:47

I'm feeling worried for your friend, OP! I'd have been freezing in cargo shorts this weekend. I hope he's OK!

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 06/12/2021 14:50

I think it's a combination of things- people were on edge this last weekend about Omicron, a few people will have decided a packed party isn't worth it/too risky, so that's probably why there were last min cancellations. People are a bit snippy or introverted at the moment, I noticed it at work, especially in masks but then I think they are out of practice when they take them off. There is just an edge to life at the moment, it's not relaxing, a lot of people are worried about money/depressed and there just isn't the party atmosphere going on. My Christmas party was cancelled, which says it all.

Given all that, your friends sound like they had a good time, you sound on edge and not relaxed yourself, so it may be six of one and half a dozen of the other. I'd do smaller things with a few people who you know their circumstances for your own birthday, and forget the big bash for a little while. Sad but realistic.

julieca · 06/12/2021 14:56

@greenmarlin

That sounds quite a formal approach to socialising. It is how I behaved when visiting the in-laws. But with friends we are way more casual than that. Its about fun.

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/12/2021 14:58

Ah OP what a shame and YANBU!

I had similar a few years back and have changed my hosting style as a result. We used to go ALL out and I got very annoyed with it all for similar reasons.

Now we are much lower key and literally do nothing beyond:

a good clean of the house
some cheap fresh flower arrangements
maybe balloon arches as decoration
some decent-ish booze from aldi
Costco platters and a big cake for whatever event it is.

-disposable everything

Weirdly… we get a lot more high end champagne / fancy house candles and macarons etc now we put in less effort 🤷🏻‍♀️

People are strange…

Kanaloa · 06/12/2021 14:59

@mydogisthebest

It has been suggested in this thread that it’s appropriate to bring drinks ‘and a small gift’ with many saying flowers or chocolates. If everyone did this then yes, you would end up with 30 bunches of flowers or boxes of chocolates.

BoredZelda · 06/12/2021 15:04

It doesn't actually matter about the short themselves, it was just that for him it was very out of character. It gave me a bad feeling about the night, and it was an omen of things to come.

Because your immediate thought wasn’t “oh my good friend normally takes pride in his appearance, this is out of character, I do hope he is ok, I should chat with him to see” it was “how rude of him to wear shorts (which apparently now were all paint splattered) to my oh so special party”

TedMullins · 06/12/2021 15:04

@Fairylights25

julieca I have had parties for the last twenty years, I can assure you I don't make up the rules, it is common courtesy at least around here to send a message of thanks and has been for decades!

It is not my expectations, but one that has always been observed to now. As shodan said, certainly in the UK this kind of etiquette has evolved for generations.

To you and your friends maybe, but I wouldn’t be bothered if someone didn’t text me the day after a party to say thank you, and neither are my many friends who’ve had parties. We thank each other on the night and that’s sufficient. You do sound very rigid and uptight in your expectations.

BoredZelda · 06/12/2021 15:05

some have become selfish and it is all about ME now, rather than genuine interest in other people. Many just seem very much out for themselves, and don't bother hiding it anymore.

Indeed.

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