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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moral dilemma about xmas

339 replies

WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 06/12/2021 07:45

@rookiemere

But *@Thatsplentyjack* I'll hazard a wild guess here - you'd never take 6 weeks of solo holidays, plus hog all the free time for months before, either.
Ok, I've committed thw ultimate crime and oy read the OP so didn't see that. Go for it OP.
HeadNorth · 06/12/2021 07:45

Take the time off. Tell your husband - you obviously have resentment there and it will be far healthier long term for your marriage to have a conversation with him about this, rather than lie and let it fester.

Thatsplentyjack · 06/12/2021 07:46

Although, the fear of getting caught out would ruin my week off, so I really couldn't lie about it.

BetterCare · 06/12/2021 07:48

Fuck telling your husband. You know him better than anyone and have already said that he would not be happy or understand.

Put yourself at the top of your own list for once. Take the time off, buy some lovely food for yourself, lie in, watch films, take long baths and get some rest.

Don’t be guilted into going and being honest. It sounds like this rest is much needed and important.

Enjoy.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 06/12/2021 07:48

In your particular circumstances, I wouldn't hesitate. Let him take the children and go to his family. You can say truthfully that it's a new job, you had no sort of priority to book leave, and you may be needed to cover for other people during that week, which you can't do at his folks' place, so you need to stay at home. You have to make a good impression in this new job, after all. I assume this is not so far from the truth?

Drunkpanda · 06/12/2021 07:51

@rookiemere

I can't see the age of the DCs but the other thing I'd do - hopefully as well as a solo trip- is book a family Neilsons summer holiday or similar. The DCs will have activities, your H can cycle every day and you can get some relaxation time.
How is this a family holiday?
Angliski · 06/12/2021 07:52

Good lord, take it! If he’s had weeks off he totally owes you and if he would make a scene if he knew then don’t tell him. He doesn’t sound v supportive!

Antsgomarching · 06/12/2021 07:54

I would normally be really against lying about it but I get the feeling that even if he went to his family and took the kids and you stayed at home there would be an “atmosphere” which would basically ruin your time off.

I would in this situation take the days, don’t mention it and then next year fresh start get some time back for yourself. Book things you want to do, consider going away for a few weeks. Tbh though he sounds really selfish and you would probably get more time to yourself if you were divorced.

Cam2020 · 06/12/2021 07:55

Could you say you're covering from home? You just can't say how busy it'll be and whether something will come in?

cookiemonster2468 · 06/12/2021 07:58

You should be honest with your husband. You should also take the break.

Don't try to lie/ cover up the fact that you find his family difficult, and need some time to yourself after a crazy two years.

If he can't respect that then there is something wrong.

rookiemere · 06/12/2021 07:58

@Drunkpanda a Neilson holiday is a compromise, that at least means some rest for OP and that the DCs spend some of their holiday time with their F. Personally in OPs circumstances I'd be looking at divorce, but an activity holiday is an in between option.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 06/12/2021 07:59

I'd probably work it, you'll be having a rest by coming home to an empty house, no DC no chores building up etc plus you'll get the bank holidays/weekend that they are away, work can't be that busy if everyone else is likely to be off and you get more leave to take next year.

gogohm · 06/12/2021 07:59

I think you need to be partially truthful, tell him you have a couple of days off owed to you but don't mention the option of an unpaid day (just work that day) nobody is hurt that way.

onelittlefrog · 06/12/2021 08:00

@WouldIBeATwat

He would be really offended if I didn’t go to visit his family when I had the opportunity to. There is soooooo much history with that. :-/
So you probably need to address that head on rather than letting it cause damage to your relationship. Lying isn't going to help and it will continue to be a problem in the future if you don't talk about it.
MsTSwift · 06/12/2021 08:02

Yes this seems to be a symptom of a deeper issue. I would just say I’m not coming as I need a rest and you’ve had loads of cycling trips but then my Dh not a dick.

zafferana · 06/12/2021 08:03

Take the time for yourself OP. If you're really exhausted and burnt out the last thing you need is to spend 10 hours in a car going to visit people you don't even like. I couldn't imagine being married to someone who didn't understand that, but if your DH doesn't, then keep it to yourself. The important thing is to put yourself first - middle-aged women are generally rubbish at this! Take this time for yourself.

And thank you for all your hard work during the pandemic Flowers

givemepiece · 06/12/2021 08:03

As a PP suggested, I would work that third day. My white lie would be omitting the fact it had been offered as unpaid holiday. That way you can't travel to the family and you get some lovely days rest !

Staryflight445 · 06/12/2021 08:06

‘ So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working)’

Wrong on all levels op, the pair of you need to step back and assess how you both don’t respect one another.

Shodan · 06/12/2021 08:09

I would do this, pack them all off on boxing day with cheery waves and generous presents for the grandparents. On the 28th or 29th drop him a text and tell him that you have been given the option of a few days off, and as you are feeling sick from exhaustion you will be taking them. If he requests you join them, tell him you are simply not well enough. Then you haven't lied, nor have you misled him you have just changed the time frame.

Yeah I'd do this too. I get that lying to your partner is Wrong and Bad and all of that, but in this particular case I can't help but feel that OP's DH would do his best to sabotage her week off- either by constant rows/whining about how awful she is for not wanting to go and visit his delightful family, or he'll find things for her to do while he's away, or possibly might even say there's no need for him to take the kids when she's at home now to look after them, especially if he likes to revert to boyhood when he's with his family.

I do agree that the relationship issues need to be addressed though- but OP you can best do this when when you're more rested. A week's peace and quiet will go a long way to achieving this.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/12/2021 08:12

As absolutely everyone has said, take the time off to rest 100%.

The fact that you need to lie about it, is bad.

I am, happily, divorced now but one thing I've decided in any relationship I have in the future, is I won't be sucking up things that upset me, as that's where resentment/bitterness builds. I'll be calling them out (in a nice way) on it all. 'Just to let you know, I've got an extra few days leave, so im taking them to chill at home over Christmas. I need the break.'

rookiemere · 06/12/2021 08:12

Oh yes @Shodan good spot that he'd likely avoid taking the DCs if OP wasn't coming. Keep schtum OP, work the middle day as a compromise if it makes you feel better.

Liz1tummypain · 06/12/2021 08:17

Work out how you'll put it if he found out and then go for the break. I don't think a reasonable partner would begrudge it.

bluelemming · 06/12/2021 08:19

@GorgonzolaSouffle

Stay quiet and take the break
This
Jota67 · 06/12/2021 08:22

Say nothing. Take the rest.

Next year you need to reset the balance in your relationship and be less available for swanning off for his cycling.

He sounds like a selfish arse

cptartapp · 06/12/2021 08:22

Was he worrying about you being 'offended' when he went off on his cycling trips leaving you with the DC? I'm not sure I understand why you would be at all bothered that he might be offended now. You put your own wants first. Not his or his family. Like he does..
Strange.
Take the trip and if he kicks off you have much bigger concerns.

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