Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Moral dilemma about xmas

339 replies

WouldIBeATwat · 05/12/2021 22:19

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

OP posts:
Report
Please
or
to access all these features

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

SwanShaped · 06/12/2021 08:24

Oh my god just take the time off! Tell him afterwards if you want to. Don’t let him sabotage your time off.

Please
or
to access all these features

SwanShaped · 06/12/2021 08:24

Sounds like it’s always about him and his needs.

Please
or
to access all these features

Cornonthecobblers · 06/12/2021 08:24

I think it’s a shame that you feel you have to lie to your dh in order to have yourself a break, you certainly deserve one, especially if he’s gone on breaks himself. Sounds like you married a selfish baby. The term “dont sweat the small stuff” springs to mind but I sense this is not a small thing to you and you will really benefit from time to yourself.
However I also think it’s highly advisable to be honest with your dh. What happens if you forget next year and say you get the Christmas bank holidays off. You’ve been married 20 years so you know the best way to tell him that you’re not going to be visiting his family this year, he’s going to have to be big enough and grown up enough to accept that.

Please
or
to access all these features

arethereanyleftatall · 06/12/2021 08:30

Having read some more replies now, I've changed my mind. If you think telling him will sabotage your plans, then don't.

But...do have a very frank discussion with him afterwards.

Yours is a perfectly perfectly reasonable request - you're asking for 2 days off to do what you want in, in the same way that he's had many more days off to do what he wants in.

In a good, balanced, fair relationship, there shouldn't be any worry whatsoever with this.

(Be aware - you'll find the days to yourself glorious, heavenly bliss. It might make you question getting it EOW. )

Please
or
to access all these features

Lavender24 · 06/12/2021 08:35

I wouldn't go to visit people for that long even if I liked them. He's being massively unreasonable expecting you to go. They're his family.

Please
or
to access all these features

thedefinitionofmadness · 06/12/2021 08:37

@WouldIBeATwat

My 2 week break in the summer was spent with the DCs while he was off cycling with his mates. So I didn’t really get a holiday.

There's your answer and no need to lie about it. Take the time for yourself. He does
Please
or
to access all these features

ThinWomansBrain · 06/12/2021 08:38

Don't lie about it - whether it's his family or whatever - he needs to know and understand that if it's OK for him to use leave for solo cycling trips, then it's perfectly OK to use your leave for time to yourself - with or without the challenging work changes.
If his family are so ghastly, maybe the twattishness & entitlement is genetic.

Please
or
to access all these features

Tal45 · 06/12/2021 08:44

Just tell him. He can be as upset/disappointed as he likes. You were probably upset/disappointed that you spent your summer holiday at home with the kids while he went off cycling. You don't have to be confrontational just tell him you really need a break, you find his family difficult and so you're just going to have a bit of time home alone while he goes.

PS next time he goes cycling in the summer holidays make sure you plan a holiday for you and the kids at the same time.

It seems to me that he expects things all his own way and sulks when he doesn't get it so you let him get what he wants. Time for him to grow up a bit I think.

Please
or
to access all these features

user1471554720 · 06/12/2021 08:46

**Do you have a good relationship? Could you really enjoy the break knowing that you’d lied about it to your husband?

On the other hand, do you have the energy to 'fight your corner', being honest with dh even if it leads to a huge argument which leaves you feeling drained.

It is all very well and good being honest and decent if you are dealing with decent people. How will you feel if you take the break but can't enjoy it because dh fought so much.

Please
or
to access all these features

MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/12/2021 08:49

you had a two week break - most people have breaks with their kids.

i dont think you should lie
perhaps you could tell a white lie,
last minute leave

Please
or
to access all these features

C8H10N4O2 · 06/12/2021 08:51

He goes full “little boy” when with his family

And he cheerfully goes off on holidays knowing you haven't had a break for two years?

You should be able to tell him you need the break and are taking it without it being an issue. If, after two years with no break whilst he has been off on jollies he really thinks you should spend your time sucking up three days with his family then you have a DH problem don't you?

So is the real issue that he will make a fuss about you having a break because fundamentally you don't have an equal or fair relationship?

Please
or
to access all these features

fluffi · 06/12/2021 08:52

Given you've been working non stop for 2 years you definitely need a break. Take the time off and relax at home in peace. Don't tell DH if its going to cause more hassle.

I also like @VimFuego101 approach of letting DH know that work said have the time off after he has arrived at his family ... assuming that you can't / it wouldn't be reasonable to travel up by yourself. Obviously don't do this if you think they will try to get you to go there.

Please
or
to access all these features

Iloveacurry · 06/12/2021 09:00

Work one day and have take the other two as holiday, and don’t say anything to him.

Please
or
to access all these features

Cactusandmarshmallows · 06/12/2021 09:02

I’d work the days and carry the leave. I’ve done that before when dcs and dh have gone to the in-laws and it’s still relaxing. Evenings feel so much longer when you only have to look after yourself!

Please
or
to access all these features

greenmarlin · 06/12/2021 09:17

I definitely wouldn't go as it won't be good for you, but nor would I miss the opportunity to loudly and clearly set a few things straight with him re. his cycling holidays and how you have facilitated them.

You have an opportunity here to stand up for yourself and also let him know you're doing it. Take it!

Please
or
to access all these features

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/12/2021 09:27

And just in case there is any doubt - do not save this this extra leave to stay at home with the children while your DH swans off on another of his cycling trips.

Please
or
to access all these features

irishfarmer · 06/12/2021 09:33

Tell him you can take two of the days off but still have to work 1, which is true. I wouldn't be able to not tell my DH. It does sound like you could use a nice break though. And that is a long time to be with in-laws!

Please
or
to access all these features

JuicySatsuma85 · 06/12/2021 09:35

The amount of people advocating lying to your husband is so gross and disturbing. If it was a husband asking if he should lie to his wife for a few sneaky days off people would be up in arms.

I don’t care if there’s “family drama history”. God, we’ve all got that! Be a grown up and have the conversation. It isn’t a question. You are just telling him you are taking some time off work.

Also, don’t be a martyr in the future. Don’t agree to look after the kids while he goes on cycling trips and then complain about it later.

Please
or
to access all these features

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 06/12/2021 09:37

YANBU! You need the break.

Please
or
to access all these features

thisplaceisweird · 06/12/2021 09:38

@WouldIBeATwat

My 2 week break in the summer was spent with the DCs while he was off cycling with his mates. So I didn’t really get a holiday.

You should be honest and say you are taking leave but staying at home. Don't ask, just tell him. You need it.
Please
or
to access all these features

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/12/2021 09:38

I'd take the break - or at least maybe one extra day of it - but not enough that you could go with your DH etc. to his family.
I would also tell him that you have more holiday than you thought but I might be tempted to carry some of it over, so that you can use it in a more conducive manner!

Please
or
to access all these features

HeartGoesLast · 06/12/2021 09:40

You have much bigger issues than this scenario. This is the red herring. If your husband selfish for taking his breaks? Sure. But you’re enabling this. You’re staying at home with the kids, you’re waving him off, and then you’re complaining about it. You should be having open conversations with him about what you are willing to accept and not accept, listen to his needs, and then finding mutually acceptable compromises together. What you are willing to put up with in terms of bad behaviour is on you, not him. People are complicated, people are often blinded to their own faults. This is why communication is so important in a marriage.

You deserve this break. You do not have to see his parents. But you should be telling the truth.

What you are describing is a facade of a marriage.

Please
or
to access all these features

MsTSwift · 06/12/2021 09:40

Totally agree with Juicy. We have equal trips if he has a cycling trip you better he will hold the fort for an equivalent time when I go away. Anything else is unfair and sexist.

Please
or
to access all these features

CharityDingle · 06/12/2021 09:41

Definitely take time to yourself, whatever way you decide re work. And don't go anywhere.

As for him being man of the year for bringing his children to their grandparents, what about you being woman of the decade for facilitating his cycling trips. Hmm

Conversation needs to happen, but get some rest in first.

Please
or
to access all these features

Mix56 · 06/12/2021 09:49

I would reserve this holiday gem for when he has already gone !!
say you have just discovered you get 2 days off, you are not hacking up the motorway to his family. you are spending it in pyjamas, recharging you batteries. You are knackered.

If he makes the slightest noise about "his family, the children, blah blah". say he has had X weeks of holiday this year, while you are left entirely alone with DC. So wind his f..king neck in.
He should be supporting you, not making your life harder

Please
or
to access all these features
Similar threads
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?