Moral dilemma about xmas

[WouldIBeATwat]

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

[Eddielzzard]

Definitely do it. You need time to yourself too.

[tangyandsalty]

But what happens if he rings you when he's away and asks "how was work today?" It's one thing omitting the truth but then you'd have to carry on lying, which I couldn't deal with.

I'd just tell him you're exhausted and you're staying home, and deal with him getting offended!

[rookiemere]

@tangyandsalty from what we've heard so far about the H, I'd lay good money on him a) not ringing up and b) not asking that or any other question of the OP.

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

You deserve a break, for sure. If I were you, whether or not I would take it would depend on 1) age of the children. If they are young and would miss me/be sad about my absence then I wouldn’t be able to do it 2) how much I was willing to argue. Because OF COURSE you have to tell him. You need to just tell him and stick to your guns and he needs to suck it up given all the breaks he’s had. It would ruin my marriage and all the trust if my husband did this to me, and I’m amazed at how many people are saying “lie because he won’t like it if he finds out”. That’s the principle used by adulterers ffs it’s completely unacceptable to lie and if someone came on here and explained their husband had lied to get out of Christmas with their in laws and have a mini holiday at home everyone would shrieking LTB!

[1234comeonbaby]

I think be honest and tell him. But, dont go for a week. Thats too long. three nights max. Especially if staying at somebody's house

[RowanAlong]

Sounds like you really really need it. I’d take it, and enjoy. I wouldn’t think you were a terrible person if just this once you didn’t mention the ins and outs to DH, if otherwise you are generally in a loving and happy relationship.

[ChaToilLeam]

Do you think he would sabotage your break somehow? If so, then I would have no compunction about lying. Top priority is: you need a bloody break after running yourself ragged for two years. Your husband is a selfish git, but I don’t think you have the energy to confront this yet.

Morals and honesty be damned. You need a break. Deal with any fall out later, you have a cast-iron excuse for being economical with the truth. You can always say that work required you to take some leave, you weren’t allowed to carry it over this year.

[Tulips21]

Sound like he will kick off knowing you are choosing not to go and won't understand he has had a lot of time to himself but you have'nt.
If he will kick off dont bother telling him and enjoy your rest.
Or tell him and dont engage in any debate bit still enjoy your time off.
Personally, I wouldnt tell him - He sounds a bit selfish and wont understand your need for a break.

[44PumpLane]

Take the break, take the break, take the break!!
Honestly do whatever you can to facilitate a relax for you, it sounds like you need it.

If it makes you feel better about life, work the Wednesday then there would be no point travelling as you'd have to be back for work and you'd still get a decent stint of relaxation with no drop in salary, personally I'd just do the whole 3 days off and bask in the glorious silence!

[HugeAckmansWife]

hearts and clubs your 'what if it was the DH posting this' attempt is ridiculous. It misses out the rather salient point that the DH has fucked off for weeks at a time for his hobby leaving the op to run the show and she's had no holiday for two years. It's not JUST about this particular week. If a woman came in and said 'I leave my DH to look after all the kids for 6 weeks a year so I can do X hobby and now he's lied about his annual leave to get some time to himself instead of visiting his toxic MIL' no, I don't think she'd get support. OP do it, lie or don't, but if you do, I'd tell him when he gets back and tell him why. And tell him next year or annual leave will be used at least 50% for YOU to have a break and not just facilitate him.

[FutureHope]

Take the break.

To get through the next year - when your DH will presumably continuing to ask for your support - you will need it.

You will regret it if you don’t. Plan some restful and lovely things for you.

[Dozer]

Not a ‘moral dilemma’. A relationship issue.

YANBU to take the time off and not travel to visit family, when you’re exhausted. YABU to lie about it.

Your H would be U to give you a hard time over your choice.

[rookiemere]

I like @44PumpLanes suggestion. Work one of the days and that way you're not really lying.

[Fairylights25]

Okay ~ well I think op has made it clear she does not have the energy to get into the inevitable row that will be caused by her stating her needs, which she is more than entitled to given how generous she has been with his bloody hobby.

I can't actually believe his hobby is taking precedence over your well being op, but that is a whole new thread.

I would do this, pack them all off on boxing day with cheery waves and generous presents for the grandparents. On the 28th or 29th drop him a text and tell him that you have been given the option of a few days off, and as you are feeling sick from exhaustion you will be taking them. If he requests you join them, tell him you are simply not well enough. Then you haven't lied, nor have you misled him you have just changed the time frame.

I would do absolutely nothing but the most lovely things for you and bask in the peace and tranquility.

[TokyoTen]

I'd take the break - but I'd be honest with DH about it

[Fairylights25]

I agree he definitely sounds totally selfish, why doesn't he care about you?

I could not be married to someone that put cycling over my need for a rest and to recharge, given the hours you work and the children/house demands.

[DrWankincense]

DO IT. DO IT. DO IT.
And don't feel guilty about it. Enjoy the me time.

[rookiemere]

I can't see the age of the DCs but the other thing I'd do - hopefully as well as a solo trip- is book a family Neilsons summer holiday or similar. The DCs will have activities, your H can cycle every day and you can get some relaxation time.

[MsTSwift]

The best thing about a cycling Dh is that they can never ever raise the slightest quibble about anything you do. I have recent extended my girls long weekend to an entire week workout a second thought.

[Thatsplentyjack]

I would definitely want to do this, but I would be very uncomfortable about lying about it. I would also be so angry if my dp did it. Can you imagine the thread and the responses on here if this was the other way around?

[Hellolittlestar]

I’d take the time off, but wouldn’t lie to my husband.

[rookiemere]

But @Thatsplentyjack I'll hazard a wild guess here - you'd never take 6 weeks of solo holidays, plus hog all the free time for months before, either.

[JanFromLaMancha]

Do it. Don't feel guilty, but think about whether you really want to stay in this marriage.

[PPCD]

Work the middle of the three days. Then it's impractical for you to go but you still get a break.

[SoupDragon]

He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer.

Presumably he didn't lie to you about any of them though.

I think you need to be honest.